Favorite NHL Goalies

Marc-Andre Fleury - actual drop of angelic sunshine that none of us deserve

Braden Holtby - Holtbae, Holtbeast, constantly let down by his team

Eddie Lack - ray of sunshine and happiness who has never done anything wrong

Tuukka Rask - intimidating milk crate killer and strives to break his stick, kind of looks like an angry puppy, will probably end up killing his team

Jonathan Quick - bendy tendy, very bendy tendy

Carey Price - beater of Kyle Palmieri, stare-downer of Chris Kreider, might actually kill his team, savior of the NHL from Therrien

Sergei Bobrovsky - Very good hugger, happy goalie, loves his cap'n

Ben Bishop - injury prone puppy who I don’t get to watch enough

NHL regular season 2016-17

Arizona Coyotes & Buffalo Sabres

Boston Bruins

Chicago Blackhawks

Colorado Avalanche

Columbus Blue Jackets

Dallas Stars

Edmonton Oilers

Florida Panthers

Montreal Canadiens

Philadelphia Flyers

Pittsburgh Penguins

San Jose Sharks

Toronto Maple Leafs

Vancouver Canucks

Washington Capitals

Winnipeg Jets

Hockey Penalties and other phrases

  • Too many men = too much man.
  • Icing = skate too slow, team too tired
  • “Play is under review” = 4 blind men didn’t see the play and now will spend 15 minutes trying to revive their eyesight.
  • Off-sides = skate too fast, no goal for you, dumb af
  • High sticking = stick to yourself, no one wants your stick in their face.
  • Goaltender Interference = no idea, such bullshit.
  • Roughing = too touch, much bad touch
  • Game Misconduct = very bad touch
  • Fighting = slight scuffle, mostly hugs.
When you have your main teams you support but you also love specific players in the other teams and because you love them you kinda love their team too, so you're stuck loving all the teams like the hoe that you are

Hockey Phrase Definitions

  • Assist = I gotchu boo, have a goal
  • Blew a tire = ice much slippery
  • Boarding = wall for safe, not for face.
  • Breakaway = quick like a bunny
  • Chirping = much insult
  • Crashing the net = up close and personal, goalie edition
  • Delay of game = dumb
  • Dropping the gloves = gloves off, better for hugs
  • Empty net goal = participation award
  • Flow = to the fella over there with the hella good hair
  • Goaltender = marshmellow optimus prime
  • Holding = now is not the time for hug
  • Icing = belongs on cakes, not in sports
  • Jock strap = under the butt nut hut
  • Line brawl = much hugs
  • One timer = couldn’t do that again if I tried
  • Own goal = woo goal for the other team
  • Penalty box = pout place
  • Referee = not Denis Widemans friend 🐸🍵
  • Spearing = hockey players are not hot dogs

NHL Coach Lingo

  • “Day-to-day” = damnit man, I’m a coach not a doctor.
  • “Lower body injury” = could be a toe, could be a knee, could be the groin, could be diarrhea.
  • “We’re not worried” = we’re losing but I can’t very well say ‘we’re boned’ on TV.
  • When asked how they plan on scoring: “uh, you know, we’re just gonna hockey harder than the other team and hope hockey happens. We can play hockey but we need to play hockier hockey.”
  • “We lost because we didn’t score” = I’m literally only here so I won’t get fined.
  • “We lost but there’s another game so we just have to play” = boys are bag skating tomorrow, nothing but bag skating.
  • After getting interviewed by Pierre McGuire: “I would love to stuff that mic up your nose.”
  • “We just need to bring our A game” = I’m literally just gonna be praying to the hockey God’s the whole game.