Hockey Penalties and other phrases

  • Too many men = too much man.
  • Icing = skate too slow, team too tired
  • “Play is under review” = 4 blind men didn’t see the play and now will spend 15 minutes trying to revive their eyesight.
  • Off-sides = skate too fast, no goal for you, dumb af
  • High sticking = stick to yourself, no one wants your stick in their face.
  • Goaltender Interference = no idea, such bullshit.
  • Roughing = too touch, much bad touch
  • Game Misconduct = very bad touch
  • Fighting = slight scuffle, mostly hugs.

Is your (hockey) tumblr also being flooded by more bad news about the orange cheeto in the Oval Office? Are you also a disappointed hockey fan, pissed off with the NHL? Or worse - are you a Pens fan and cried yourself to sleep last night, because you hate that your own team did wrong?

Well, don’t despair, for I have a remedy post of fluff for you! Filled with soft boys, epic hockey bromances, Instagram chirping, puppies and the smile of Gabriel Landeskog. (Not that it solves anything to close your eyes to stuff that is wrong in the world, but a bitch can only take so much!)

Enjoy!

Thoughts of a Hockey Penalty Box Attendant

  • ‘Get a job in the NHL they said, it’ll be fun they said, fuckin’ lied though didn’t they.’
  • 'Here comes our first prisone–I mean player.’
  • 'Why do you guys have to hit the glass with your sticks? Why? You could poke an eye out.’
  • 'Oh no, no no no, not the camera– damnit, we just got a new one.’
  • 'How many times is this guy gonna get a penalty.’
  • 'Oh great, here comes another one. Joy.’
  • 'Okay guys, I’m running out of roo- okay honestly, I have no where to sit now.’
  • 'Ew, I just stepped in some sort of bodily fluid.’
  • 'Just once I’d like to see a fan come in the box circa Tie Domi. Just once.’
  • 'It’s a good thing there’s no hot mics in here. A sailor would blush after hearing some of this shit.’
  • 'Can–can you not try to continue the fight while in the pout palace? You’re basically in a glass case of emotion and no one can hear you but me.’
  • 'I will either go deaf from players yelling or fans. Probs both.’
  • 'I am the keeper of the bad children and I alone can release them from their prison.’

The benches in hockey dressing rooms are built so that your feet rest on the floor with your skates on which means that there are pictures of Large Professional Athletes with sock feet dangling off of the bench and I think that is a beautiful thing.

Goalie Warm Up Mini Compilation

You had a rough day? No problem my dear fella I got a little compilation for you that might make you smile ;)

“Goalie Warm Up Mini Compilation”


Reto Berra going down in a, what it seems to be a blocking butterfly then ‘shaking’ (correct me if I’m wrong)..

Originally posted by nylander

Alex Stalock also going down in butterfly and ‘shaking’  his pads..

“The Wild’s Darcy Kuemper taking a breather.

https://www.nytimes.com/2015/05/20/sports/hockey/nhl-goalies-need-their-alone-time-er-stretching-routines.html?_r=0

McDonald nugget (Fleury) spreading his chicken wings..

Gotta be flexible to make acrobatic saves..


Originally posted by hockeynat96

‘Shaving’ the ice.. Ice might be slick and you don’t wanna slide out of postion, good warm up for your legs and the puck slows down easier.

I don’t know what this fucker is doing.. (’Scuse my french)

Carey Price teaching the kids..


Jonathan Quick streching his legs..

Sometimes I wonder...

…if I will ever outgrow giggling about double entendres in hockey interviews.

I mean, I really shouldn’t make fun of these guys…

…but then again…

…it’s so easy. And maybe they are even doing it on purpose? I mean…


Oh well, even if most of them are clueless little cinnamon buns, at least one of them knows exactly what he’s doing:

Okay, guys, let’s talk about the pit for a second. Most people don’t even know it exists, so we’re here to tell you a little about it.

This is the pit:

It sits under the cement on the Avs-shoot-twice side of the rink:

Most of the time, it’s empty and covered.

However, at the end of each season, we break up the sheet of ice and push it into the pit:

And even though it’s depressing because it signifies the end of the season, it’s also kind of beautiful:

But anyway, the pit is where the ice melts. And all of the water from the ice can then be drained easier.

So, if you ever see a photo of the pit or wonder where we melt the ice, now you know.

Hockey Returns vol. 100.  Excited!