The Game (Ethan Dolan)
Inspiration: Eyes Closed by Halsey
(this is really important to the part, some lyrics will be in italics)
Warning: If you are triggered easily, please don’t read.
I felt my heart racing. Grayson was about to kiss me. I could feel his breath hitting my face as he got closer to me. His lips were practically on mine.
“Grayson wait.” I said putting my hands on his chest.
Grayson pulled away rubbing his neck awkwardly.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have..” Grayson started but I quickly cut him off.
“No, G don’t apologize. I just need time to think about all of this.” I said crossing my arms over my chest.
“I don’t mind waiting.” Grayson said pulling me in to another hug.
I really didn’t deserve him.
“call me later okay?” Grayson asked.
“I will.” I said giving him a half smile.
Grayson walked out of my apartment leaving me alone with my thoughts. As soon as I closed the door I let it out. I grabbed the nearest pillow screaming as loud as I could. Grayson really did know everything about me. He’s seen all my quirks and he’s been with me on the worst days and he still says he’s in love with me? Grayson was perfect for me, I knew that. Why couldn’t I stop thinking about Ethan though? I walked over re-reading some of his previous messages.
Ethan: please just meet me somewhere so we can talk?
Ethan: I’m begging you.
Ethan: I know you hate me but just give me a chance.
Ethan: I don’t want to lose you.
Ethan: I will do anything for you to please just talk to me.
Ethan: I’ve called 32 times and this is the 9th message I have sent you, I didn’t expect you to answer.
I don’t know why but I messaged him back.
: I don’t know why I’m agreeing to this but fine, we can meet so you can try to talk yourself out of this.
I stared at my phone waiting for Ethan to text back. I must have sat there for an hour just staring and waiting. Finally my phone dinged with a message from him.
Ethan: It’s cool, I have nothing to say.
I stared at his message, angry tears streaming down my face. He was begging me to talk to him and now he has nothing to say?
: are you serious right now Ethan? You were the one begging to talk to me and now you have nothing to say?
: you said you were sorry, but apologies mean nothing if you keep doing what you’re sorry for.
: I wish I could go back to the day I met you and just walk away. Because honestly, it would’ve saved me so much hurt and pain.
I held myself together as I cried on the couch. I hated him. I hated him so much. I hated him because I have to wonder why I wasn’t enough. I hated him because I still repeat the things he said to me in my head. I hated him because he learned my secrets, my scars, my bruises, my flaws, and then he left. I hated him because he knew I was fragile and dropped me anyways. I hated him because while I was full of love, he was simply full of shit. Above everything, I hated how I didn’t hate him, not even a little bit, not even at all.
“Grayson, can you come over?” I said into the phone.
“I was really hoping you would call, I’ll be right over.” Grayson said.
“see you soon.” I said hanging up.
I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t want to lead Grayson on, but I needed to fill this black hole that Ethan left. I needed to feel something, anything. In just a short amount of time there was a knock on my door. I opened the door to see Grayson standing there with a single rose.
“I’m glad you called.” Grayson said smiling.
I gave him a forced smile stepping aside so he could come in. Grayson walked over putting the flower in a cup of water. I stood there staring at him.
“what do you want to do?” Grayson asked putting the cup with the flower on my window sill.
“Grayson, kiss me.” I said.
Grayson turned around giving me a look. He obeyed though, making quick strides to where I was standing. He cupped my cheek with his large hand before crashing his lips on mine. I kissed him back making him smile in to the kiss. I feel bad, but I didn’t feel the same kissing Grayson as I did kissing Ethan. Grayson pulled away from the kiss smiling down at me.
“you are so beautiful. You don’t know how long I’ve been waiting to do that.” He said kissing my nose.
I didn’t say anything, just hugged him.
“let’s watch a movie.” Grayson said pulling me over to the couch.
I slowly nodded my head. Grayson picked out a movie and sat down on the couch cuddling me to his chest. I looked up at Grayson. He looked like Ethan but their features were so different at the same time. He stared at the screen with a smile on his face. I felt horrible for doing this to Grayson.
“the movie is on the screen babe not on my face.” Grayson said looking at me.
babe didn’t sound the same coming out of his mouth.
“sorry.” I said turning towards the television.
“I was only joking, I think it’s cute that you’re staring at me.
I disgusted myself. I looked at him but all I saw was Ethan.
now if I keep my eyes closed he looks just like you
now if I keep my eyes closed he feels just like you
Grayson turned off the movie halfway through.
"you know we need to talk about all of this right?” He said turning to face me.
He was immediately alerted as he saw the tears falling down my cheeks.
“talk to me.” Grayson said wiping a tear from my cheek.
I hated myself. I had an opportunity here with Grayson but I couldn’t think about anything other then what I lost with Ethan.
would’ve gave it all for you, cared for you.
so tell me where I went wrong.
would’ve traded it all for you, been there for you.
so tell me how to move on.
“I hate myself Grayson.” I said through the sobs that racked my body.
Grayson pulled me in to a tight hug as I sobbed.
“why do you hate yourself?” Grayson asked stroking a hand through my hair.
he don’t realize that I’m thinking about you.
It’s nothing new, it’s nothing new.
“I hate myself so much.” I sobbed.
Grayson slowly pulled away from me standing up.
“you love him don’t you.” Grayson said a single tear slipping out of his eye.
“I don’t want to love him Grayson, I really don’t.” I said standing up to face Grayson.
“but you do, tell me the damn truth, you at least owe me that much.” Grayson said balling his fists.
“Grayson, I love him.” I whispered.
Grayson was silent.
“wow, you’re even more stupid than I thought.” Grayson said walking away.
ouch, that hurt.
“G please, I don’t want to lose you.” I said running after him.
Grayson turned around and I saw just how bad I hurt him. He had tears forming in his brown orbs.
“well you should of thought about that before you lied to me, before you let me make a fool of myself.” Grayson said shaking his head at me.
“G please don’t do this.” I said trying everything I could to save this friendship.
“maybe you and Ethan deserve each other, cause you’re both incredibly selfish.” Grayson said turning away from me.
“G please you’re all I have left.” I begged.
He stopped in his tracks.
“not anymore, let me know when you stop obsessing over someone who doesn’t even love you.” Grayson said walking out and slamming the door.
I broke down on the floor sobbing. I had no one to blame but myself. I chose to take part in Ethan’s little game. I chose to continue it letting myself fall for his act. I chose to pour my heart out to Ethan and now I was just empty. I walked over to the couch dialing his number. He didn’t answer, I didn’t expect him too.
“Grayson hates me now, but I don’t blame him cause right now I kind of hate me too. I know that you’re no good for me, but it’s worse without you, even when I try not to want you I end up needing you. You’re my favorite joy yet my endless pain. I tried to hate you but the only thing I hate is how much I love you. I acted like it wasn’t a big deal but you ruined me, and now I don’t see a point in trying to put myself back together. You left without a goodbye so here is mine.” I said hanging up the phone.
ETHAN POINT OF VIEW
It’s just too late. she doesn’t need you anymore. and she no longer misses you. and it’s all because you didn’t make her a priority. you took for granted that she would be there, waiting for you to serve her the scraps of your time. It’s funny actually while she waited for you to realize what you had, she finally realized that she didn’t need what you were offering. I heard the door to our apartment open making me aware. I saw Grayson walking in. He looked up noticing me standing there. He was staring at the bruises he left on my face. I glared at him, not because I was angry at him, but because I couldn’t be him. He walked past me bumping me in the shoulder.
“you probably should put some ice on your face.” He said walking in to his room slamming the door shut.
I went back to my room punching the punching bag as hard as I could. I just sat there punching the bag until my knuckles were bruised and bloody. I took a break taking a long drink of water. I hated feeling this way, this was simply why I didn’t feel. I picked up my phone which was flashing signifying I had a message. I opened it not expecting it to be her.
Y/N: I don’t know why I’m agreeing to this but fine, we can meet so you can try to talk yourself out of this.
I was going to tell her I loved her. I couldn’t say it now, not after what I saw happening between her and Grayson.
: It’s cool, I have nothing to say.
that wasn’t true. I had a lot to say but I was too scared to say any of it. She quickly replied to me.
Y/N: are you serious right now Ethan? You were the one begging to talk to me and now you have nothing to say?
Y/N: you said you were sorry, but apologies mean nothing if you keep doing what you’re sorry for.
Y/N: I wish I could go back to the day I met you and just walk away. Because honestly, it would’ve saved me so much hurt and pain.
I couldn’t reply. I heard the apartment door open and slam shut again. Grayson was going to comfort her no doubt, but I can’t help thinking how much that should be me. I know I messed up, I have nobody to blame but myself. I chose to start this knowing very well I had a girlfriend. I chose to continue to fall in love with her. I chose to kiss Allison the night of the party. I have no one to blame but myself. I walked over the punching bag releasing my anger on it. I didn’t care that my hands were bruised, bloodied, and swollen. Grayson wasn’t the only one with pent up anger.
“fuck!” I screamed punching the bag harder.
I ran a hand through my hair collapsing on the floor. I didn’t want to hurt anymore. I didn’t want to feel anymore. I didn’t know how long I sat there trying to turn off the feelings.
“ETHAN!” Grayson’s voice rang throughout our apartment.
I walked out of my room seeing Grayson with angry tears coming from his eyes.
“you just have to keep ruining everything, you ruin things without even trying.” He said balling his fists.
“what are you talking about?” I asked confused.
“I’m better for her, I’m what she needs, but her dumbass is still in love with you.” Grayson growled.
“wait really?” I asked more hopeful than I was trying to be.
“you’re ridiculous you know you’re no good for her.” Grayson said getting in my face.
“and you just can’t fathom the fact that she doesn’t want you.” I said getting back in his face.
Grayson raised his fist ready to punch me but this time I punched him. He fell backwards clenching his nose from how hard I hit him.
“you just can’t fathom that I screwed up but she still wants me. you know Grayson you aren’t as perfect as you think you are underneath it all you’re flawed just like I am.” I said walking away leaving Grayson alone.
I walked in to my room clenching my hand which was now hurting. I saw my phone blinking in the corner. I walked over grabbing it seeing I had one missed call and a voicemail from Y/N. I listened to her voice come through my speakers, she sounded broken.
“Grayson hates me now, but I don’t blame him cause right now I kind of hate me too. I know that you’re no good for me, but it’s worse without you, even when I try not to want you I end up needing you. You’re my favorite joy yet my endless pain. I tried to hate you but the only thing I hate is how much I love you. I acted like it wasn’t a big deal but you ruined me, and now I don’t see a point in trying to put myself back together. You left without a goodbye so here is mine. Goodbye Ethan.”
the last sentence got me immediately alarmed. I ran out of my room straight in to Grayson’s.
“what the hell do you want?” He growled wiping his bloody.
“I think Y/N is going to hurt herself.” I said feeling tears fall from my eyes.
Grayson quickly dropped his phone giving me a shocked look.
“what the hell are we waiting for then.” Grayson said pushing past me.
Grayson and I ran out to the car. Grayson drove because I was shaking too much. I dialed her number but it went straight to voicemail.
“come on babe please answer.” I begged in to the phone.
I couldn’t lose her, not before I got to say how I really felt.
uh so yeah I’m just going to leave you all here for now, enjoy!