Children-of-Desire

“But what if you meet someone who wants children?”

This sentence is so problematic, but so, so often asked to a young woman who says she doesn’t want children. The insinuation behind this statement is that some hypothetical man’s feelings are more valid and important than a woman’s current, very real feelings. Well, so what if they did meet someone who wanted children? Why are his desires to be a father more important than a woman’s not to? Hyperthetical mens’ feelings are more important than a woman’s real ones. If the burden of parenthood was more fairly balanced in today’s society, it might make sense.

But it’s not. Women have to go through pregnancy (including numerous possible heath, emotional and financial issues) before the child is even born, so why is it still ultimately what is more important to the male?

A woman is also told repeatedly that she will change her mind. She can’t possibly know for sure that she won’t one day wake up and want to be a mother. Because, after all, isn’t that what we’re all here for? Yes we may go through the motions of a career and our young feminist years, but ultimately we all really want to get married and have babies! Anyone who tells you otherwise will change her mind. That or she’ll meet the right man who will want babies, and thus, her purpose on the earth will be served.

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MERCHANDISE - Time

I was in love and I had to leave it. It was someone who I loved but didn’t trust any more. I thought to myself, if only we were older… like the Beach Boys, wouldn’t it be nice? This person that I thought was the love of my life ended up being the love of my youth. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with letting that go. If only I could have known you at a different time, maybe this wouldn’t have happened.  - Carson Cox

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CHILDREN ON STUN - SIDELINED

Album : Tourniquets of Love Desire (1994).
From : US.

Normally I wouldn’t make this post, because it’s not exactly a-spec positivity. But given that there’s another trickle of “let’s accuse the mods of pedophilia” combined with “let’s try to guess the name of the mod” (all of which guesses are still wrong by the way) and I think that is particularly dangerous and manipulative, here it is anyway.

When I say that sometimes there are children who experience sexual desires, drives, and attractions, there are several things I’m not doing and only one thing I am doing. I am not saying “and therefore it is acceptable for them to engage in sexual relationships and behaviors”. I am not saying “and this is true of all children”. I am not saying “this is true of children at any and all ages”. And I am not saying “therefore it is acceptable for adults to consider children’s sexuality”.

The one and only thing I am saying is that there is no magic age at which a switch in a minor’s brain gets flipped and they suddenly find themselves sexually attracted to others or interested in their own sexuality. That minors who are going to experience those things may begin to during a pretty wide range of time. And because this is a normal part of kids growing up, that means that a child’s peers may discover, through interaction with children who have already begun to consider their own sexuality, that they AREN’T experiencing those things yet. Maybe they will and maybe they won’t. But the fact that their peers have begun to and they haven’t is often a discussion of feeling left out and disconnected within kids’ spaces. High school and even sometimes middle school can be tough for kids who don’t experience crushes or can’t figure out how to engage in conversations about classmates being cute or not.

But here’s the most important thing I want people to understand about that post I made that they keep having the nerve to call disgusting. When I made that post, I was specifically talking about myself as the child who experienced sexual desires and attractions at a young age. Some of them were “age appropriate” so to speak, but a lot of them weren’t. I did not engage with them around other children my age because I had already learned really quickly that my existence was (as so many of you have gleefully been calling it ever since I made that post) disgusting, predatory, and abusive. It was not the child abusers and sexual predators who were exposing my peers to violence and harm apparently, but myself. And because I internalized that message - the very concept of a child who understands themselves, personally, as having a definable sexuality is disgusting and therefore I, who embodies that, am disgusting too - I ended up exactly where people keep accusing me of causing others to end up. I was so disgusted by myself, so desperate to never let anyone see that I was a monster, that when one single person came along and said they understood and loved me anyway, that they were the only person who could look past my disgustingness and care about me, I believed them. And because the world seemed to agree that they would, as they said, be my only chance at love, I never stood up for myself over anything. The first few people who did this to me were my peers, my age. The next several were not.

This is why I made a post that said it was okay for kids to be asexual, allosexual, in between, neither. Because I grew up knowing I was, very much, a person with a definable allosexual sexuality. And I met hundreds in survivor groups as an adult who told me that same familiar story. Of learning of their sexuality too early, of being called disgusting and sick by friends and family, and of falling victim to people who claimed no one would ever love us if we left them. Because I heard stories from those survivors whose sexualities changed in response to their trauma. Whose trauma had been caused after someone found out they were already asexual. Whose trauma happened because they didn’t feel allowed to have or understand their sexuality and now they were afraid they never would.

So allow me to repeat myself.

Child-Me, your sexuality, however much people lied to you, was never the problem. The existence of your attractions, drives, and desires was to be gently learned, so that you could safely express them at an appropriate age, not ground down and repressed so as to be taken advantage of later. This is true for all others who were like you.

Child-Best-Friend, it was okay that you never understood what it was like to experience such drives and desires. You were loved in a million ways, as you are today, and you deserved support and understanding, not the vitriol of your peers, the mockery of your abusers, or the violence of your harm. You are whole and healthy and you will find affection and compassion and romance-free or romance-full love in many places. This is true for all others who were like you.

Child-Survivor, your uncertainty in yourself, whether or not you wanted the things your peers wanted, should never have been wielded against you like a weapon. You were so many good things, witty, loving, creative, and your value should have been allowed to lay there, not in how fast you figured out whether or not sexual relationships, attractions, or encounters meant anything to you. I know it may feel like that violence changes you. Maybe it did, maybe it didn’t, but you are still you and I still love you. This is true for all others who were like you.

To all children who hear their peers talk about sexuality and fear in their hearts that something is wrong with them for being unable to relate, whether because of asexuality, sexuality “too soon”, sexuality in “wrong directions”, whatever it is, it is part of you, and it is your normal. You will be okay. People will love you. And those who don’t, or who insist others won’t, are not worth your time. Whether you have found yourself fully yet or not, you deserve to be treated with respect and to not fear, in the way of children, that your life will be over if anyone learns the truth.

To all those who have decided that this message is somehow the “real problem”, the company you keep is violent and dangerous, and I remember your kind. You can’t threaten me into giving up on protecting your victims and I hope someday you realize how much you hurt yourselves by trying.

To everyone on the a-spectrum that doesn’t desire children: You’re not a bad person. You’re not ‘biologically broken’ or ‘ruining your family line.’ You’re not ‘denying your parents grandchildren.’ You’re not ‘selfish’ or ‘greedy’ for not wanting kids. 

It’s okay to not be interested in raising children. It’s okay to be repulsed by every aspect of child-rearing, from sex to childbirth to caring for that child. It’s okay. You’re not bad or broken. 

And remember, it’s your body, not theirs. It’s your life, not theirs. They cannot choose what you want or how you spend your future.

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William: What have we done?
Julia: Hopefully, the right thing.

[The kindly man talking to Arya about her options]

“Or if it is marriage and children you desire, tell me, and we shall find a husband for you. Some honest apprentice boy, a rich old man, a seafarer, whatever you desire.” (Arya, A Feast for Crows)

Oh GRRM, you absolute asshole tease.

On Bisexual Alpha Males

I have been thinking about this a great deal lately due to conversations I have had with an Alpha who describes himself this way.  It has long been my contention that Bisexual Alphas are not bisexual in the standard way.  While they may use both other males and females for sexual pleasure, they only develop romantic feelings for women.  And most are either married to a woman, or if young and single, will one day marry a woman and have children (the desire to breed is strong in Alphas).  The biggest mistake a faggot can make is to fall in love with an Alpha. 

This puts them in a category by themselves.  They definitely prefer women.  However, their sex drive is so strong and their desire to dominate and control is so intense they seek other males to validate their superiority.  Despite what feminist might say, women naturally submit to men.  Their sex with women is often soft and romantic while their sex with lesser males is almost always rough, degrading and sometimes even painful for the other male.  Forcing another male to take your dick is the ultimate domination of someone society has said is your equal.  Using another male as a whore, and reminding him he is nothing more than a faggot with convenient holes, gives him significant psychological pleasure.  His sexual power can force anyone into submission, both male and female.

Therefore, I don’t see them as bisexual at all.  I am interested in what both Alpha’s and other faggots think about this.