anonymous asked:

You've made your disdain for onions abundantly clear, but what are your thoughts on celery?

Funny you should ask! I was just thinking about this. In the days before the dawn of humankind, the vice admiral of the Great Light looked out upon the Earth and smiled. So pleased was he by the creation of the Great Light that he sent out an invitation to all the vegetation on the Earth to a great feast he was to hold in his castle. He spent the next two weeks preparing, and on the day of the feast, all the vegetation showed up: cucumbers, plums, mint leaf, artichokes—all of them. There was a jovial air in the castle, and everyone enjoyed themselves talking, laughing, dancing, and feasting on the original food of the Earth (kestwa, malador, sweet disti, laffa, etc.). As they finished eating, the vice admiral raised his hands for silence. “My friends!” he said. “We have such a perfect existence, that I have decided to bestow upon you a great gift!” A murmur arose.”Today I give you the gift of flavor!” The murmur grew to a general roar of confusion, as no one knew what this meant. “This is a new concept, I know, but I will show you what I mean. Let us start with my good friend Pineapple!” And so the mighty pineapple stood and strode proudly up to the vice admiral. The vice admiral looked at him and said, “My dear Pineapple! Thank you for being you. I now give you…flavor!” There was a frisson as a smell and sensation rushed through the air: the original sensation of the flavor of pineapple. The attendants were overcome, and instantly started leaping from their chairs, unable to contain themselves and excited to claim their own flavor. The vice admiral laughed and raised his hands again, “One at a time, one at a time! I promise I will get to each and every one of you!”

And good as his word, so he did! He delivered sweet flavors to the mango, the strawberry, and the banana; fresh, crisp flavors to the apple, the cucumber, and the proud, proud carrot; earth flavors to the potato, the beet, and the radish; and even pestilential flavors to the durian fruit and the onion, who were somehow pleased by this. He continued on, giving a flavor to each and every vegetable and fruit and gourd and root, ending finally with the avocado, to which he gave the flavor “vague”. And at the end he said, “And so, my dear friends, I thank you for coming, and wish you a wondrous and beautiful future filled with fun and flavor!” And the vegetation cheered and thanked him, with tears in their eyes, pits, and kernels, and they all went back to their homes.

Now, what flavor did the celery get, you may ask? Perhaps I can answer this question by telling you what the celery was up to during the great feast at the vice admiral’s castle.

To put it bluntly, the celery was asleep. It was up all night worrying about what it was going to wear the next day (hint: the vegetation didn’t wear clothing, it not having been invented yet) that it didn’t sleep a wink, and when the time to leave came, the celery was sound asleep in the middle of its floor. And there it remained until late that night when all the other vegetation was returning. When the vice admiral realized the celery hadn’t attended, he was so hurt and shut up his castle forever, returning to the future whence he came, and taking with him the secret of flavor, which he gave to a character in a Futurama episode, who later shared it with Bender.

So, as for what flavor the celery got? None. It got no flavor. At all. As a result, it is less flavorful than plain water—even less flavorful than the vaguely flavored avocado which can win fans through hypnosis only.

So, to answer your question, what are my thoughts on celery? It is food. It is plain food. If I had to eat it to keep myself alive, I wouldn’t mind, because all it has is a texture. And strings. No idea why they decided to add strings to celery, but that’s not my business. It’s been observed and scientifically tested that you can feed celery to a sleeping human and they won’t notice. The celery’s favorite color is clear. If you give a stalk of celery to a cat it just confuses them. They asked a million American football fans what they preferred—a football game that ends in a tie or celery—and they went with ties in football because they were “more definitive”. Celery is used as a vehicle for peanut butter and crab salad because it’s considered impolite to eat either substance with one’s hands in public, and because with a spoon, it’s impossible to ensure party goers don’t double dip. The great thing about using celery for this purpose is that it has absolutely no flavor, so it’s the same as just eating peanut butter or crab salad—just with added strings to remind you that life is unfair. (Seriously, think about any other food on the planet where you’d say, “Damn! I want to put either peanut butter or crab salad on that! Doesn’t matter which, since this food goes with either peanut butter or crab salad equally well!”)

Now don’t take this to mean that I hate celery. How could I? How could any? They had to stop giving it to babies because babies exposed to celery in the first couple months didn’t realize they were eating anything, and had trouble thereafter recognizing what food was, and how eating worked. If celery were a person and you asked me to date it, I’d say, “I have no opinion”—and I’m married! I mean if it’s there, I guess I’ll take it, because boy howdy, do I love getting strings of stuff stuck in my teeth. How satisfying! It’s like, “Hey, girl! You want to feel like you came out of the bathroom after flossing but left some of that floss stuck in your teeth?” Sign me up for some of that!

But I guess the best thing about its lack of flavor is it doesn’t shove it in your face, you know? It’s an extremely subtle complete lack of flavor. It’s like if someone goes to an award show wearing a folded over bed sheet, but arrives in an unopened cardboard box, so you don’t even see the sheet—or the person. So you’ve got to hand it to celery for that. Like, good on celery for not being all showy about its total absence of flavor.

So those are some of my thoughts on celery. I have others, but this isn’t really the time or place to discuss them. Thank you for your query, and please have a wonderful day on my behalf.