CasterLife

The simple fact is that
God loves you.
Not because he has to,
or has some obligation to,
but because he wants to.
He delights in you.
He sees beauty
when he looks at you.
He sees potential in you.
He called you beloved,
even when you wanted
nothing to do with him.

what utterances can
          we make of
          transient, shifting light?
a windowsill of thought
          gently murmurs towards
          a longing
in my heart and
          like the earth, I move
          in a whorl of missing
spaces lingering
          on a memory of softer
          winds whose moment
cannot recall its
          own rumination
          foretold, forgone,
forever furrowed
          into the clouds
          of an errant sun,
gold-enlaced with the
          caution of gabardine
          because my heart
can’t stand the cold
          any longer …
          so I castigate the transition
of tomorrow’s folded light
          as it releases me
          from fear, from love’s
          own requisite longing



© Thespian Drummer / Utterances

For I know the plans
I have for you,” says the Lord.
“They are plans for good
and not for disaster,
to give you a future and a hope.
—  Jeremiah 29:11
Humble yourselves, therefore,
under God’s mighty hand,
that he may lift you up in due time.
—  1 Peter 5:6
You are serving
a supernatural God.
He is not limited
by our beliefs.
He is not limited
by what we know.
He is not limited
by our environment.
He is not limited
by our failures.
He is not limited
by our present health!
He is God of miracles!
20 things I learned at 20

1. You can have only one best friend and that best friend can only be you. Because you may come across a dozen lovely people but the only one who can keep the ‘forever’ promise is you.

2. Family is the most important. This is the only love that is truly unconditional and absolutely pure. They love you when you’re 5 and when you’re 18. They love you in your failure and your success. Their love doesn’t increase because it’s already at its maximum right from the beginning, it’s already infinite.

3. Cocktails and aerated drinks may soothe your taste buds but tea soothes your entire body. It’s warm and calming and well, healthy.

4. Your first kiss means nothing if it’s not with the right person. And the right person doesn’t mean your soulmate or someone who will never break your heart but someone who in that moment loves you as much as you love them.

5. You’ve written over 350 exams and you’ve got a perfect score in some and scored miserably in others but do you remember your 9th grade math score? Do you even remember 9th grade math? Education is so important but not the stress and competitive grading that comes along with it. If you get a low score or even fail, not much will happen – you will get a retest. But if you get ill – mentally or physically, it will have undesired long term effects.

6. In 8th grade your school psychologist told you that you’re one of the few people who walk in life with open arms loving and helping everyone, not because you haven’t bled but because you know you will heal and have the strength to do so. At that point you laughed at her but now, years later you’re loving, accepting and helping in spite of having both, actual and metaphorical scars.
You’re kind and admitting that doesn’t make you conceited.

7. Goodbyes don’t always have to be dramatic. Writing an 800 words message won’t make it hurt any less than an 8 words one. Closure usually has not much to do with the ones who wronged you but with taking your time in dealing with all the stages of grief. Some stage like anger may take only a month but acceptance may take years and that’s okay.

8. Jealousy is a basic human trait. They can be the closest to you and yet envy your happiness and life. Envy is something you too experience and you can be happy for them and be sad for yourself at the same time because so bitter it is to view happiness from someone else’s eyes. You aren’t a horrible human being if you feel like there are better shades of green your grass could be.

9. Read at your own desire and pace.
You don’t have to read particular books to qualify as a bibliophile or read a specific number of books to be a bookworm either. Read what truly interests you and take your time because reading was never a task, don’t make it one now.

10. Money is important. Money can’t buy love but it can buy happiness. But not blood money. Money honestly earned through hard work. That kind of money is good, that kind of money is required. You have a certain standard of living and if you want to maintain that after your parents stop financing you, you must make sure to earn the same. It doesn’t make you a snob or a spoiled brat, it only makes you a human aware of your wants, many of which have turned into needs by now.

11. There are somethings you just never grow out of like bubbles and glitter and your mother’s hot chocolate and hugs. Those are the kind of things that make life bearable when adulting gets too hard. Those are the little things that matter the most.

12. You cry. A lot.
But you don’t cry in front of people for their pity. You don’t cry to manipulate situations. You cry because you accept the pain. You cry because you don’t reject or lock away your emotions. You cry because your mental, emotional and physical self are in sync and that’s healthy. That’s so lovely.

13. Bake cakes. They don’t have to look pretty as long as they taste delicious. Paint canvases. They don’t have to be a master piece as long as all the paint in your hands and face and jeans makes you feel complete. Write more. It doesn’t have to a novel or even be posted online as long as it lets you breathe a little lighter and smile wider.

14. Go for walks alone, sit on the beach without your headphones, look up at the sky without a lover, buy flowers for yourself. Nature is legit free (for the most part). And it’s the richest thing that the world has. Le it bring you peace, let it help you survive.

15. Make home feel home. Sometimes you won’t have your family to make it home. Sometimes you will have to make it home by putting a part of yourself and that means investing the time, energy and money in making it feel yours, in making it feel right. It may not be your ‘dream house’, it may just be a tiny room but it’s yours. Your surroundings play a major role in affecting your mood and vibe.

16. Energy is real.
You may not know much about Science beyond 10th grade but you do know this, e=mc ²  which means everything is energy, you are energy and there is positive and negative energy and you can feel it and you experience it in every person you meet, every place you visit, every room you step inside. You can and you must choose to surround yourself with positive energy. What you attract, you do get; what you attract you become.

17. Spend time with yourself. It’s some of the best time you will have. You need to unwind, you need it to re-energize, you need it to focus and you need it for peace. You can go to a cafe by yourself, write, read, meditate, talk to yourself out loud, dance in your underwear, cook and just be.


18.  Take care of yourself- no one else can, no one else will. Drink loads of water, there’s a reason why more than half your body is made up of water. Sleep well because staying up all night isn’t something to be proud of, it’s stupid. Don’t skip breakfast because skipping breakfast makes you crave fatty foods for the rest of the day. Stay healthy not because you want to look a certain way but because you want to feel strong and energetic and have an active mind, body and heart. Staying healthy emotionally and mentally is just as important. So let those who want to go, go and never say yes to something your gut wants to scream ‘NO’ to.

19. Love yourself. If you don’t love yourself you will look for other people to love you. If you don’t accept yourself, you will keep seeking other people’s validation and the moment they withdraw it or walk away, you will crumble. And you don’t want to crumble. You want to enjoy the one person’s company you have to live with forever – yourself. Work on being a person you’d love to spend your life with because let’s face it, you don’t have a choice. It’s a long term investment and the only one that will never fail you.

20. In Shakespeare’s words, “To thine own self be true”. In order to love yourself, knowing yourself is very important.  And knowing yourself doesn’t mean the adjectives that people use for you or what your zodiac sign says about you. It means what you know in your heart to be your truth.

One more for good luck?

21. You laughed and thought it was very witty when you came across the quote, ‘Don’t take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.’
but god. Can it be any truer? Most things you’re stressing over now won’t even matter 3 years from now. But good days will turn into heart-warming memories that will stay with you even 2 decades later.
Happiness and success are two different things but remember, they aren’t mutually exclusive. At least they don’t have to be.

You’ve lost someone you thought was the love of your life and I know you think it will hurt like this forever, but I promise you it doesn’t. I’m not saying you’ll suddenly wake up one day and it’ll be like it never happened – because it won’t…
There will always be a loss, there’s no if’s or but’s about that. If you lose an amazing person from your life – that leaves a hole in your heart that nobody else can ever fill… You can find happiness, you can find other people and things to fill your heart in other places… but the space that belonged to that person will always be empty. Because human beings are unique and complicated creatures, and when you combine two of them together you get a love that is just as unique and therefore irreplaceable. So don’t try to replace them because you can’t… and get out of the mindset that you’ll never love anybody as much or that no other relationship will compare to what you’ve lost. You don’t love people ‘more’ or ‘less’ than each other – you just love them differently.
The way you love somebody else will be different yes – but it will not be ‘more’ or ‘less’ or ‘better’ or ‘worse’… just different… and that’s okay. You will find love again, but it’s never going to be the same love… and it’s only when you’re able to accept that and open yourself to the idea, that you’re finally ready to move on.
—  Ranata Suzuki | Don’t say you’ll never love again

Read the book that’s best for you.

If you’re living with depression, read a novel about depression. If you’re heartbroken, read a novel about unrequited love. If you’re feeling suicidal or hopeless, read a depressing poetry collection, and in a weird way, it’ll give you some hope. And that’s what literature is all about, understanding and knowing that your pain, your suffering is universal.

—  Juansen Dizon, Bibliotherapy
Here’s to the people we said goodbye to, even though all we ever wanted was to hold on to them, begging them to stay. Here’s to those of us who still think of someone who’s long gone and struggle to let go. Here’s to the people we miss so much that the mere thought of them feels like a knife to the throat. Here’s to chances we didn’t take because the fear of failing was more than something that crossed our minds, it was a tangible thing that seeped into our skin and paralysed our bones. Here’s to the tears we allow to stream down our cheeks before we fall asleep at night so no one sees. Here’s to the love we have given over the years, the pieces of our hearts we handed out and never got back. Here’s to feelings we had to hide and fake smiles we plastered on our faces to uphold our charades. Here’s to whatever obstacle we’ve had to overcome, whatever battle we’ve had to fight, whatever pain we’ve had to feel, to make us kinder and better people - to make us evolve and grow. Here’s to everyone who believes in something more, in magic, in love, in the power of dreams and faith and everyone who has something to fight for. Here’s to everything that made us who we are today. Every glorious thing, the mountains we had to climb, the stars we had to count. Here’s to our ordinary lives we never fail to turn into something extraordinary. Here’s to our beautiful selves, raw and real, a reminder that life is not a line or a constant, but a vivid creature with its ups and downs and that all inconveniences considered, we’re doing pretty damn great.
—  here’s to life / n.j.
Everyone has that one person they can’t quite get over.
You can move forward with your life, you can find happiness elsewhere but every once in a while your mind will always linger back to this person. It just feels… unfinished… like there are things left unsaid.
But the funny thing is, even if you find this person and say all the things you want to… even if you do this time and time again, you will never get rid of that feeling. You will always feel unsettled and uneasy about the way it ended because the truth is it’s not about anything left unsaid or undone… What’s unresolved has nothing to do with words or actions – it’s your feelings. And it doesn’t matter how many times you go back to this person, weather you confront them or write them a letter or call them on the phone to say the things you feel you need to say to get closure… none of it will make a difference because deep down inside, for better or for worse… this person will always have a piece of your heart. Nothing you say or do will ever change that and it’s pointless to try so you may as well accept it.
No matter what you do… it will never be over between you.
Suddenly you’re 21 and even though three years ago you swore to yourself you’d have everything figured out at this age it’s not the case. At all. You still cry your heart out over boys who do not deserve a single one of your tears, you still struggle to let go of things and people you told yourself you were done with. You don’t speak up for yourself or people who deserve it. You live in the background even though you’ve been fighting for it to change. Life passes you by and you’re never in control - you’re always stuck in the passenger seat. You told yourself “I’ll be happy in a year’s time” but you’re not. Happiness is always something that waits around the corner for you, but you’re never fast enough to catch it and close your fingers around it so it doesn’t escape. You don’t know what your life will be like in another three years, you have absolutely no idea, and it scares you senseless, not knowing where you’re going, where you want to be. It’s like you’re walking with a blindfold covering your eyes.
You know what? It’s not too late to get your life together. It’s not too late to write that letter, to send that application, to say goodbye to the people who do you no good and to be who you want to be, whether you’re 15 or 21 or 45.
—  tearing off the blindfold / n.j.
It takes time to work on not being alone. You have to call a friend. You have to take a shower and eat breakfast with your mom. You have to put in the effort to feel loved and be loved by the people around you. Passiveness leads to loneliness. Be active and spread your sadness to the people you trust your feelings with. Be understood. And be okay.
—  Juansen Dizon, It Takes Time
The moment you let somebody into your heart you’re taking a risk…
Not everybody’s going to hurt you of course but from the moment you begin to care for someone you’re giving them that power and whether or not they use it is completely beyond your control. It’s terrifying I know – but it’s the risk you take when you love somebody. That’s not a negative attitude on life or love – that’s just how it is and sometimes you win and sometimes you lose.
When you lose it feels like you always lose… like every relationship ends in tears and that this is just the latest in a long line of risks that didn’t pay off. But there was happiness before it ended – if there wasn’t you wouldn’t be so upset about it, so it’s not really a loss because you had love. Not everything has to go the way you wanted it to for you to have gained something valuable. Trust me, the longer you live the more you’ll realize that life rarely goes the way you want it to… but that doesn’t make it a loss.
It didn’t work out and it hurts I know, but take it from me – you didn’t lose. You had love, you had happiness, you opened your heart and connected with another human being and just because it didn’t last forever doesn’t mean it wasn’t worthwhile. The people who lose are the ones who close their heart or don’t know how to love… The ones who lose are the people who will never have the happiness you’ve had because they live in emotional isolation and will never experience what it’s like to have a connection with somebody…
You may have been hurt, but you were brave enough to open your heart in the first place and one day, when you’re ready, I hope you open it again for somebody else… because the only way you lose is if you don’t…
—  Ranata Suzuki | Love is worth the risk
“Why do you write sad things?” is one of the hardest questions I’ve always been asked.

How could I answer that? How could I tell you that all I have is sadness, and all I can share to the world is sadness? How could I tell you that every time I get a little glimpse of happiness, I always just save it for myself, keeping it close to my heart, memorizing every details and feelings, and not writing it down because writing it down feels a lot like giving it away, like I am letting that little happiness go. How could I tell you that I write sad things to purge it out from my system? That it is impossible to write sad things without sadness consuming you to the core to the point that all you can do is to bleed it out on the paper. How could I tell you that? That I write sad things to let it out, hoping that one day it would never come back, that maybe one day, I will finally succeed in writing all my sadness away.
—  cynthia go // Why do you write sad things?
I told myself I’d be braver this time. More confident. More trusting. More willing to put something at risk, to put my heart on the line. But slowly I can feel them digging their claws into my mind again: the doubts. Sense fear sending shivers down my spine, squeezing my chest with cold fingers. Instead of fighting, I find myself slipping back into old habits. They’re easy. Comfortable. They’re safe. I know how they work, how I have to act to get through. They’re always there to fall back into and welcome me with open arms. But sometimes the easy way isn’t the right one. Sometimes life is a gamble. Sometimes there is more to surviving than avoiding the path to danger. It is facing your fears, no matter how much they turn your stomach, no matter how scary the uncertain future is. It is stepping out of your comfort zone - difficult at first, but every small step gets you closer to being at peace with yourself. It is letting go of whatever makes you doubt, it’s learning to break habits that may feel safe but are nothing more than excuses to hang your head and give up. You are not your fears. You are not old patterns and your scars. You are so much more than your dark thoughts trying to take control. There are times when I forget how to be brave. When I can’t remember what it’s like not to be afraid. But I avoid old habits like the plague. I don’t let my fear take control. I don’t cower in front of anyone or anything. Not anymore.
—  habits / n.j.
And I am so tired of answering questions about my career. About the money I’m earning. I was so tired of explaining people about my degree. For once, I honestly want people to ask me how my soul is. How my heart is doing—if it is still beating. I just want a minute and talk about more meaningful things. I was such a deep thinker. I am craving for open mind and honest souls. I was such a lonely wolf wandering on a moonlit world.
—  Please Give Me a Minute to Forget About Some Things
you forgive the boy who broke your heart. not once, not twice, but more times than you can count. you lie awake at night and dry your tears on your pillowcase, but find yourself thinking that maybe you deserve being heartbroken for falling for his dark eyes. you forgive the girl who stabbed you in the back, who smiled whenever she saw you and spread lies about you as soon as you walked away. you forgive the person who did you wrong, the one who didn’t treat you right, the one who made fun of you and planted doubts in your head. you let your anger fade and you start to forget, slowly, but gradually. you forgive everyone else’s mistakes, but never your own. you hold on to the grudges you built against yourself, hold on to the hard feelings and prejudices. wherever you go, the rage accompanies you, rage for your mistakes, rage for things you could have done differently. if you’re not careful, said rage turns into self-hate and before you know what’s going on, you can’t even look at yourself in the mirror. until breathing suddenly gets harder and the pain in your chest never fades. but it’s okay - you have to remind yourself that it’s okay. okay to make mistakes. okay to cave beneath the pressure, okay to admit defeat and say you can’t do it anymore. okay to break down every once in a while and okay to fill yourself back up with happiness. you are not your mistakes or wrong decisions from your past or the unknown future that lies ahead of you. you are everything that’s happened to you, everything you’ve been forced to deal with until today. you are both new beginnings and tearful goodbyes, you are dancing in the rain and screaming into your pillow, you are good and bad choices but most of all you are deserving of your own forgiveness. so go ahead and do it. forgive yourself first.
—  forgive yourself / n.j.
Loving a strong, independent woman is not for the faint of heart…
You need to be self-assured and confident in your own masculinity because she will not fawn over you to give you constant gratification or cry down the phone to you begging to see you because she misses you… She is not the type to ask for your help or advice on how best to do something, so if you’re in love your own opinions and the sound of your own voice then this isn’t the woman for you.
She is spirited and confident and will embark upon projects and adventures without consulting you; you can either tag along for the ride or not, it makes no difference to her. So if you need to be in control of every decision in a relationship it’s best you call it quits now… She’s not a perfectionist or a control freak, in fact you’ll find her both reasonable and forgiving - but she’s also nobody’s fool so if repeating the same behavior and apologizing every time is the most amount of effort you’re willing to put into the relationship she won’t keep you around very long…
But the joy in loving a strong independent woman is knowing that if she chooses you it’s because she loves you – NOT because she needs you. A woman like that learned to rely on herself and stop needing people a long time ago so if she’s with you it’s because she admires and respects you for who you are as a person and not for what you can offer her. If you’re a man who can truly handle being a woman’s equal… then you just might be man enough for a woman like her….
God is still
the owner of
tomorrow.