Captain-Carrot

The boldest of the three moved suddenly, grabbed Angua and pulled her upright. “We walk out of here unharmed or the girl gets it, all right?” he snarled.

Someone sniggered.

“I hope you’re not going to kill anyone,” said Carrot.

“That’s up to us!”

“Sorry, was I talking to you?” said Carrot.

—  Terry Pratchett - Men At Arms

I had Discworld thoughts again…

So Carrot is a dwarf, right? And what distinguishes dwarves? They all have beards and they’re all (at least when Carrot was growing up in Copperhead) considered men. Until Cheery, there was no openly female dwarves.

But Carrot is always drawn and described as clean-shaven (we get pretty regular descriptions. He’s tall -around 6′6″, has short red hair and is clean shaven). Why though? Surely as a dwarf, regardless of height, he’d want to grow a beard, especially considering how important a beard is to dwarvishness (no references, but isn’t it canon that if a dwarf can’t grow a beard, they buy a fake one?).

We know his father kept his hair trimmed for Reasons of Hygiene, but maybe the reason Carrot doesn’t have a beard is because he can’t grow one…

Basically, I’m suggesting trans man Captain Carrot Ironfoundersson. After all, armour can compress quite a bit, and while the dwarvish gender system can grate upon those like Cheery, maybe for Carrot the reason he never questioned it was because he always identified as a man, well dwarf.

Imagine Vimes taking a while to realise, before quietly figuring it out. He considers for a long time what he should do with the information before eventually casually asking Cuddy about dwarvish gender. Cuddy is confused but explains how all dwarves are he and thus Vimes quietly settles down, deciding he can’t fault the boy, who after all is a good dwarf, and an amazing officer.

Nobby, who was the first Carrot actually told, because while Nobby may be a petty thief and his species is somewhere up in the air, once he’s your friend you can trust him with your life, if not your wallet. As the Watch begins to expand, Nobby is the one who kicks up a fuss about the privies and gets a few individual ones set up away from the big communual ones. Carrot gives him some dwarf bread, sent down fresh from the Copperhead hills in thanks. Nobby then turned out to be the one being capable of eating Ironfoundersson dwarf bread. Carrot now shares his monthly care package with Nobby.

Colon, who never worked it out, who only found out when Angua and Nobby got onto the topic whilst patrolling together and was shocked beyond measure. Lots of exclamations of “But the lad’s near 7 foot!” and “He never said!” were proclaimed. Luckily, the bustle of Sator Square hid the shouts. After the initial shock, he’s odd around Carrot for a few months before Carrot very earnestly asks him what he’s done wrong. They have a long talk but things only really return to normal when Carrot talks down the Slabbed-out troll who was about to eat Colon.

Angua, who knew the moment she met Carrot, but knowing the customs of dwarves thought nothing of it. It’s only when she asks him about it, after the incident with the gonne that she realises that he isn’t just living within the dwarvish monogender (which technically is neither male or female, dwarves are just dwarves), Carrot identifies with the human male. She shrugs it off. Igors became Igorinas and vice versa all the time back in the Old Country. And she liked Carrot, just as she had liked both Gavin and Ygritte, the poor foolish human that Wolfgang had taken great delight in hunting.

Deterius, also, works it out surprisingly quickly. He may not be academic but he’s a good sergeant and sergeants are good with people. It takes him a while to get the idea properly formulated in his head, but when he does he methodically files it away. After Cuddy died, he made a point of studying dwarvish customs and since Carrot is a dwarf, it makes perfect sense in his mind. He is a little more protective of Carrot than usually after that though, especially in situations when he could be in danger for who he is.

It took Cheery a very long time to realise why Carrot was so afraid of her decision to present as a woman. Eventually, she stormed into his office and demanded to know why he didn’t approve. Only when Carrot quietly responded with “If you do it, eventually someone might force me to as well, and that’s not me. I am a he, I am a dwarf who is definitively he, never she.” did she understand. They eventually came to a comfortable agreement, secretly meeting up every few weeks to chat about gender and dwarvishness. Eventually, Cheery coaxes him along to the feminine-dwarf support group and while at first the dwarves are uncomfortable with him being there, once Carrot explains they end up with two of their number admitting that while, if a human looked at it, they might be considered male, they identify as female regardless. Thus Carrot somehow ends up accidentally starting another offshoot group of dwarvish gender support for dwarves of either gender who might have strong feelings on their own gender which others, even those in support of women dwarves coming out, may disagree with.

Vetinari knew from the start, of course he did. He finds it mildly amusing, that Carrot, the One True King of Ankh-Morpork, would by some only be accepted as a Queen if his information became common knowledge. Originally he kept it as blackmail. Over the years, as it became clear Carrot not only had worked out his origins but was actively hiding them, did Vetinari one night creep into a hidden room in the palace and burn a series of genology, a chit of birth and the diary of a midwife, long since dead and longer still paid off.

The Igor in the Watch first finds out when Angua brings Carrot in bleeding, from a knife wound to the gut. She curses him out, making it clear that if anything happens to Carrot, or if one word is breathed of this to anyone outside this cellar, she would tear him beyond even an Igor’s saving. Igor simply nods. A few months later, both he and Carrot are on leave at the same time. It’s only after that does Carrot take his shirt off for the first time in the Watch showers to clean up, no scar from the stab wound visible. After all, Igors are good at what they do, and when they want to, they won’t leave a mark.

Ankh-Morpork City Watch & Social Media Headcannons

(brought to you by maesonc​ and hardly-questionable​)

Angua and Sally are the Watch’s biggest Twitter users. They regularly live-blog Watch mayhem.

Cheery, on the other hand, is an avid Vine and Instagram user.

Cheery: “Do it for the Vine, sir!”
Angua: “DO NOt DO IT FOR THE VINE”
Unfortunately, due to irreconcilable height difference, most of Cheery’s Vines just feature Vimes’ knees.

Vimes has no idea what a Vine is and wants to know why everyone keeps shouting his name and what they are doing for him.

Sybil runs a rather popular, very informative and debatably cute Instagram for her Dragon Nursery.

Nobby Nobbs does have Vine, Twitter & FB accounts, for public safety reasons they have all been deemed ‘unsafe for human consumption’

he is, however, a rather avid SJ blogger on tumblr

Carrot does NOT have a Twitter account (its for his own good)

Carrot tried to start an ‘Official City Watch’ Twitter account. Angua shot it down. 
They let him manage the FB page

The #FuckingCarrot tag is NSFW

Angua did not start the #FuckingCarrot tag
Neither did Sally. 

In Uberwald the trending hashtag is #pullingaVimes which is the Discworld equivalent of #YOLO

71-hour Ahmed started a hashtag in Klatch that roughly translates to #Vimesdid. People use it when suggesting impossible/highly improbable acts

example: “Swim the Circle Sea in only on breath? #Vimesdid”
It is a very popular tag

(will hardly-questionable and i stop? who knows)

Discworld Limericks

Rincewind
There once was a wizzard subpar
Whose only wish was to stay far
From the danger and strife
Of an int’resting life
But trouble clung to him like tar.

Nanny Ogg
There once was a woman named Ogg
Who was really quite fond of her grog
Though she was an old dear,
It did well to stand clear
When she started to sing of hedgehogs.

Captain Carrot
There once was a dwarf six feet tall
Who was dearly beloved by all
Although maybe a king
He cared not for such things
And just heeded the night watch’s call.

Reaper Man
Death once took a little vacay
But the world very quick went cray-cray
So he said “I’M THE REAPER
THAT MAKES ME THE KEEPER
OF THIS WORLD, SO I GUESS I MAY STAY.”

Going Postal
There once was a con man quite clever
Who, thanks to the good hangman’s lever,
Fell out of the noose
And into good use
In charge of the Post and its letters.

Monstrous Regiment
A girl once went off to enroll
With a vampire, some lads and a troll
Though prepared to be warriors
They saw naught but horrors
In war and in old gender roles.

Good evening, Sir Samuel, and may I say what a nice scarf you’re wearing. And Captain Carrot. Please sit down. We have a lot of business to finish.
— 

Jingo

Ok this is one of my favourite little lines in terms of Sam/Sybil.  Just that little throw-away comment pointing out he’s wearing the scarf.  And the fact that Sam is wearing the scarf is so important because

  1. It’s a terrible scarf. It was a supposed to be socks but Sybil messed up.  He’s wearing it anyway.
  2. It’s not even winter. I don’t think a season is specifically pointed out, but it’s certainly not winter given the lack of snow.  It’s probably far too warm to even need a scarf.  There is no reason for him to wear this ugly scarf and yet.
  3. Sam was in the bath when Sybil told him Vetinari wanted him right away.  That means that while rushing to get dressed to go present himself to the lord of the city, he went out of his way to specifically pick up an ugly scarf it’s too warm to wear.

And he went out of his way to wrap an ugly, probably knobbly and itchy scarf that was supposed to be a sock around his neck and then wear it to the palace all because doing so would make Sybil happy.  And he just loves Sybil so much.