Call of Duty: Black Ops II

Day Forty-Five

-I entered the store to find a child barely old enough to speak demanding coffee from their parents, and I understand.

-I witnessed a man in his eighties with a very long yet well-maintained beard, an all-over print shirt of a grizzly bear, and a hat that read, “Happy! Happy! Happy!” The amount of respect I hold for him cannot be put into words, but I will try: lots.

-A young child sprinted ahead of his family towards my register, Christmas cookie cutters held victoriously above his head, shouting, “CHECK OUT! CHECK OUT!” I see no fault in any part of this.

-An older woman and her thirty-something daughter came through my lane with separate purchases. The elder remarked that the younger was free to pay for her purchase. This seemed to have sparked an idea in her mind, as the mother set off on a lecture directed at me to remind me to take care of my parents. In a moment of panic, not wishing to be on the receiving end of the lecture anymore, I informed her that I was actually an orphan. I am not proud of this, but I knew that it would be worse were I to inform her that I was not serious and that she had just been pranked. She was taken aback, but only missed a beat. Still searching for a target for her lecture, she told me that all good parents should also take care of their children. I began to feel bad for my hypothetical parents, being attacked like this for having done nothing, so I did the only logical thing to shift the blame off of them. I informed the woman that my parents had actually been killed, so that was not really on them. I was in too deep to turn back now. I had to commit to this tortured past that I had stolen from the likes of Bruce Wayne and Harry Potter. The conversation dwindled after that, but I could see the feelings of guilt behind her face, and I could sense the feelings of bewilderment at myself behind mine.

-I heard a woman ask, “Do you need me to make it sticky?” I do not know the context, but I know that no circumstances exist that would warrant someone to say yes to this.

-Looking at a sticker I handed her son, a woman remarked, “This dog has bunny ears,” in the same tone of voice one would say, “This sinful atrocity is a zoological nightmare!”

-I handed a woman an automatically-printed coupon for menstrual pads. She looked it at, then looked me in the eyes, forcefully handed it back to me, and told me, “I will never, ever use that.” I felt that I offended her deeply and found myself apologizing on behalf of the printer.

-I thought that a girl was returning a cart properly. I appreciated this. She then simply barricaded a lane with the cart, blocking all traffic, and fled the scene. I somehow appreciated this even more.

-A man became very upset with me, after finding out that while his son had purchased two bags full of items at the next lane for $40, I had rang up his daughter at mine for one bag and charged her $70. He insisted that it was unfair that I charged more per bag than my coworker. When one of his children said that he did not need to be giving me trouble like this, the man loudly stated that someone had to. My knee-jerk reaction was to inform him that I would be just fine without it and that no one had to bother giving me trouble. This seemed to work, and the reasonable man with the unique outlook on how items are purchased left the store calmly without another word.

-A young girl rhythmically chanted the phrase “chubby puppies” with various inflections, which I thought was great. I then found out that it was actually the name of an entire franchise of toys, which I thought was amazing.

-Upon being asked if she had found everything alright, an elderly woman remarked that she was not planning on buying anything, but then saw her purchase on the shelf and simply had to have it. Before I could respond and offer solidarity in that experience, I saw what she was buying. I have never found myself in a position where I felt an intense need to own four cans of chicken stock, but now I hope I one day do so.

-In the last several weeks, several separate men have used the same leather wallet covered in the logo of The Flash. I do not know what has caused this sudden rise in popularity of the fastest man alive among middle-class white males in southwestern Virginia, but I will investigate. 

-Cat Lady passed me on her way out with an empty cart and informed me that she would be back. She did indeed return a few hours later, but she left once again with nothing in hand. Regardless, I was happy to find she was a woman of her word.

-A white man bought a large stack of Tyler Perry’s Madea films, seeming to be fully unaware that he may not be the target audience for this.

-Two young women came through my lane, corrupting a youth by teaching the young child accompanying them to chant the name Trump. As soon as this infant was not receiving attention anymore, he began to scream and cry until someone looked at him. Clearly this baby had tapped into chaos magick and invoked the spirit of Donald Trump, as his impression was spot-on.

-The man who walks laps through our doors and leaves struck the store again tonight. I hope to one day learn more of his motivations.

-I served a white man with greasy dreadlocks who reeked of weed, stereotypes, and ignorant racism.

-Upon exiting a restroom stall after unloading the trucks, so to speak, I found two men at the urinals, hands against the wall as if being arrested, whizzing into the wind as if being free, passionately discussing the pros and cons of Call of Duty: Black Ops II. I hope to one day have a friend this close.

-As the store closed, a young woman came through my lane, accompanied by a man who seemed to be looking for any excuse to verbally abuse her. He went out to their car, at which point she seemed to nearly break into tears. I gently asked if she was alright, and she told me how he was her former boss and, after giving her a small loan, felt entitled to treat her this way. We bonded over how terrible men can be, how those who treat women this way are compensating for plenty of faults of their own, and how no one deserved to be treated this way. She thanked me at the end of our conversation, nearly ten minutes past close, telling me that I was able to help keep her from crying and helped her recover her night. I hope that she knows that she does not need to put up with this, that he is a horrible man, and that she has every right to swing a brick towards his Nether Realm at any time at her own discretion. 

I’m seeing a few people legitimately confused about the Wolfenstein series

So here’s the official deal of what is currently canon:

The current canon series started with Return to Castle Wolfenstein.

  • Developed in 2001 by Gray Matter Interactive (they would eventually be bought out and merged into Treyarch, one of the main developers for Call of Duty and most notably World at War and Black Ops) and overseen by producers at id Software
  • RTCW is a combination remake and reboot, as the game has many callbacks and homages to the original Wolfenstein 3D, but also has a much more involved story.
  • Most notably, Blazkowicz mentions this game’s X-Labs location in The New Order.

The next game in this series is Wolfenstein 2009.

  • Developed by veteran studio Raven Software; known for Heretic, Hexen, Soldier of Fortune, Star Trek Elite Force and Jedi Knight II: Jedi Outcast.
  • Releasing in a time where the video game market was over-saturated in World War II games, it tried to lean much more heavily on the supernatural elements that were present in RTCW. The end result was met with very mixed reactions.
  • Caroline Becker, a Kreisau Circle resistance member, makes her debut in this game. She would continue being a major supporting character in The New Order.

Taking a five year hiatus, and following id Software’s buyout by Bethesda (id previously had these newer Wolfenstein titles published by Activision), the most recent release is Wolfenstein: The New Order

  • Developed by a then-newly formed Swedish studio called MachineGames (founded by multiple former members of Starbreeze Studios)
  • Following the events in Wolfenstein 2009, the game takes place years later after the Nazis use supernatural powers and amazing technological advances to win World War II, where the world is much like that seen in The Man in the High Castle by famed sci-fi author Philip K. Dick (known stories such as A Scanner Darkly, Minority Report, Total Recall and Blade Runner).

I’ve got the next century of Call of Duty’s lined up. You heard it here first.

2015: Black Ops III
2016: Ghosts 2 (Not that people liked the first)
2017: Advanced Warfare 2
2018: World at War 2
2019: Ghosts 3
2020: Advanced Warfare 3
2021: Trench Ops
2022: Modern Warfare 4
2023: Space Warfare
2024: Korean BBQ
2025: Modern Warfare 5
2026: Space Warfare 2
2027: Space Nazis
2028: Modern Warfare 6
2029: Space Warfare 3
2030: Communist Alien Trench Warfare
2031: Post-Nuclear Warfare
2032: Dimensional Warfare
2033: World at War 3
2034: Post-post-nuclear Warfare
2035: Dimensional Warfare Squared
2036: Black Ops 4
2037: Pre-nuclear-resurgent Warfare
2038: Dimensional Warfare Cubed
2039: Black Ops 5
2040-2049 (World War 3 happened so series hiatus)
2050: Happy Puppy Smile Negotiation
2051: Time Warfare
2052: Black Cops
2053: Modern Apology
2054: Multiverse Warfare
2055: Black Pops
2056: Modern Redemption
2057: Post-existence Warfare
2058: Big Tits
2059: Modern Interior Furnishings
2060: Pre-Natal Warfare
2061: Bad Taters
2062: Modern Independent Woman
2063: Passive Aggressive Warfare
2064: Bad Smells
2065: Melbourne, Australian Warfare
2066: Advanced-stage Wiener Cancer
2067: Boy Scouts
2068: Snowball Warfare
2069: Modern Man-Meat
2070: Black Boy Scouts with Big Tits
2071: Shetland Pony Ops
2072: Civil War 2
2073: Whale Wars
2074: Cola Wars
2075: Console Wars
2076: Indian Wars
2077: Star Wars
2078: Ghosts 4!?
2079: War of the Giant Noses
2080: White Ops
2081: Release Schedule Mandate
2082: Medieval Warfare
2083: White Ops 2
2084: Banshees
2085: Spy Ops
2086: Schoolyard Warfare
2087: Mental Warfare
2088: Dogs and just Dogs
2089: No Single-player this time
2090: Breakfast Wars
2091: Water Wars
2092 - 2101 (Another hiatus due to World War 4)
2102: Modern Warfare 7
2103: World at War Again (Based on the real WW3)
2104: World War 1!?
2105: Slap Wars
2106: Grey Ops
2107: Post-Modern Warfare
2108: Advanced Warfare 4
2109: Grey Ops 2
2110: Modern Welfare
2111: Advanced Warfare 5
2112: Grey Ops 3
2113: Geists
2114: Advanced Warfare 6
2115: Rural Horse Fair

Today, Treyarch has announced a special bonus to Call of Duty: Black Ops III, for all the Zombies fans…

Call of Duty: Black Ops III Zombies Chronicles

Includes 8 classic remastered maps for Call of Duty® Zombies: World at War, Call of Duty®: Black Ops and Call of Duty®: Black Ops II. Complete original saga maps remastered in HD available on Call of Duty®: Black Ops III.

Experience the remastered zombie collection and experience the undead story starting May 16, first on PS4™.

Zombie Chronicles includes:

  • 3 maps from Call of Duty®: World at War: Nacht der Untoten, Verruckt and Shi No Numa
  • 4 maps from Call of Duty®: Black Ops: Kino Der Toten, Ascension, Shangri-la and Moon
  • 1 map from Call of Duty®: Black Ops II: Origins
  • Takeo and Richtofen Calling Cards
  • Dempsey and Nikolai Calling Cards
  • Zombies Heroes Animated Calling Cards
  • Limited Edition Camouflage Tin Can