It’s my birthday today, my love.
My most memorable birthday was my 18th, when I spent it at a school camp solely because I was excited to wake up surrounded by nature. I don’t care much for birthdays, but they hold a special meaning to me. Not in the sense that I look forward to people remembering my birthday. More in the sense that I look forward to learning something new about me.
On my 18th birthday, I learned the impact I had made on the people around me. My entire camping group had brought a cake, candles, and a frame to put a picture of us in just for my birthday. Someone snuck in a tiny bottle of vodka. During the early morning meeting, my friend at the time gave me the cake she told me she’d bring. In about ten minutes, the entire group had carried me out to the field chanting ‘Happy Birthday’ where we ate cake, took a picture, and just enjoyed the cold morning air.
Once, you told me that I don’t expect much of people. You made it sound like it was a bad thing. It CAN be a bad thing - it can lead to people taking advantage of me (and that has happened way too much). But I think that’s what gives me the strength to smile on the worst days. I remember the time I was sat in the corner of my old living room, hunched over smiling at the sound of your voice singing, what has to be one of the most depressing songs. Prelude 12-21 by AFI. I was so happy that you were willing to do that one thing for me, even if you didn’t seem like you wanted to. It was such a genuine action.
I remember when you sent me a snapchat of you blowing me a kiss, with a sideways smile on your head like I just reached up and messed up your hair. I don’t know if I can put into words the surprise and love I felt for you in that moment. Today, I wish you would do the same. I wish you would reciprocate the way I express my love. I wish you would tell me all the little things you love about me. Tell me that the picture I just sent you reminds you of a cute puppy. Tell me that your favorite thing in the world is my laugh.
I know you’re not that person, but tonight I wish you would be more open about your feelings towards me. I can hear you sign as I write this, rolling your eyes and saying 'I’m not as romantic,’ but you are! You so are. It just takes you a while to get on a roll. Maybe it’s because I love you more than you love me. Maybe I’m more involved in this mess than you are. Maybe my feelings are a lot more poetic and romantic, and yours are a lot more practical and companianate. I wish we could find our rhythm, find the moments that make our souls 'ping’ together.
I realized something today - you really just need someone. Whether it’s me or someone else, you need someone to talk to and express yourself to. Someone who can sit there in silence as you vent, and hold you gently on bad nights. You would never admit this to anyone but you desperately need someone, if only for company. You need someone to distract you from your bad thoughts, who can remind you that bad thoughts are okay to have. Someone who can reassure you that you are loved, oh so loved, and that there are a million things about you that are beautiful and wonderful, even if some may need changing.
I’m willing to be that person, but will you be that person for me? How willing are you to stay up till 3am reassuring me repeatedly that I’m loved and cared for when I feel worthless? I’d like to hope so.
Whether it’s me or someone else, I hope someone holds your hand soon. I hope that you get all the pent up kisses and hugs between us. I hope that you get your brains fucked out by me against walls, on beds, on floors, in kitchens - anyone I can get my hands on you. I hope someone can show you all the ways you’ve been loved in their head, show you all the ways you’ll experience new found joys and laughs. I hope someone can be that someone for you. I hope that someone is me.
As I write this, I won’t be seeing you for at least two years. At this point, you’re kind of disappointed that a) I don’t wanna marry you right away and b) I don’t wanna move in with you right away. It’s funny to me that you are disappointed because to me, our relationship just began. We have known each other 6 years, and in those 6 years we’ve only hurt each other. We’ve learned how to love but doing all the things to hurt. We learned the do’s by doing the don’t’s. In my eyes, this is the beginning of our new found love. And by that standard, it is way too early to be marrying you just yet. You’ve barely begun to unravel me, jaan. Just you wait, there’s more to me than what you see. You’re going to have to be patient.