7.29.2016

3pm in Texas, so hot and sticky I could melt into anything: a person, a job, this cup of coffee. My thighs are a swamp. Gonna emerge this evening from a caffeinated chrysalis a bog girl.

When I lived north I used to ask what made people drip bullets, what bumped in their nights, but in Texas that’s the wrong question. Everyone’s always already sweating bullets. No one bumps until nighttime, not just shadows and slime.

Maybe the better question is: Where are you sweating? What are you softening into? Where do your swamp monsters go in the afternoon?

Let me tell you a cute little story I’ve had in my head recently:

A girl offers to let her guy friend drive her fancy car. The two get so distracted staring into each other’s eyes that they almost crash.

The two smile, laugh, and spend a lot of time together.

The boy shows off sometimes to impress the girl.

The girl knows that the boy is having a lot of trouble and stress in his life, and becomes his sole confidant.

When the two have to spend some time apart, they keep up frequent contact because their relationship with each other has become so special.

The girl flirts confidently with the boy when they’re together, complimenting his looks, and the boy is a bit awkward and stammers whenever he compliments her back because he’s such a dork, but the message gets across.

When hanging out with their group of friends, the boy and the girl steal away from the group just to simply be alone, have some coffee, and talk about life.

After years of this going on, the two finally realize that they’ve been there for each other all along. They happily take the step into being an official couple.

Everyone: “Aw, what a happy ‘lil story. Such a perfect couple. Glad they finally ended up together.”

Okay, I’ve got another one, then, since that one was so pleasant:

Asami Sato offers to let her friend Korra drive her fancy car. The two get so distracted staring into each other’s eyes that they almost crash.

The two smile, laugh, and spend a lot of time together.

Korra shows off sometimes to impress Asami.

Asami knows that Korra is having a lot of trouble and stress in her life, and becomes her sole confidant.

When the two have to spend some time apart, they keep up frequent contact because their relationship with each other has become so special.

Asami flirts confidently with Korra when they’re together, complimenting her looks. Korra’s a bit awkward and stammers whenever she compliments Asami back because Korra’s such a dork, but the message gets across.

When hanging out with their group of friends, Korra and Asami steal away from the group just to simply be alone, drink some tea, and talk about life.

After years of this going on, the two finally realize that they’ve been there for each other all along. They happily take the step into being an official couple.

Homophobes: “Ughghhhhh, that ending was so out of nowhere! They’re just friends! Come on. I just can’t see this happening. That last thirty seconds ruined the entire show for me!”

Girls could frickin’ grind out in public and still be labeled as “just friends.” It’s very frustrating.

20 Insanely Mind-Blowing Facts About Coffee

If you’re addicted to coffee, chances are you know a decent amount about its seemingly magical abilities, but here are 20 incredible facts about the morning beverage that you probably didn’t know.

1. The three chemicals in coffee are caffeine, brown, and flavor.

2. The ancient Assyrians traditionally used coffee beans to make little sofas for ants.

3. When coffee has bubbles in it, it is called “soda.” When coffee does not have bubbles in it, it is called “oil.”

4. This is the only known footage of Terrence C. Folgers, the famously reclusive coffee mogul:

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