By-The-Throat

everyone’s arguing over who the bad person is in malachite and nobody wants to stop for a minute and thing, oh idk, maybe they’re both terrible but at least both deserve a shot at redemption. maybe it ain’t all fun and games for either or both? maybe they both had their flaws and did their terrible things, and both are suffering from it now? maybe people need to just not start so much fucking shit over the littlest things?

It’s Not You; It’s Me

So, I know anxiety gets the better of us all sometimes. And I know our brains do not listen to rational thinking. And I know that society has taught us to believe that when someone tells us “it’s not you, it’s me,” we should believe the exact opposite, right? But here are a list of things that when I tell you “it’s all my fault, it’s me, it’s not you,” I really, really mean it.

  • If you’ve messaged me just to say hi and it goes unanswered.IT’S ME. Sometimes you’ve seen something from my queue post and I’m not actually online. Sometimes you’ve caught me just as I’m going to bed and I don’t want to say hi only to be like JK bye I gotta go. Because my brain tells me that would be worse. Sometimes I read the message but am, for whatever reason, unable (or not in the right head space) to say hi back, and then it is marked as read, and THEN I FORGET TO TELL YOU HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU.
  • If I randomly just stopped talking to you in the middle of a conversation. IT’S ME. I use mobile A LOT. Which means that sometimes I fall asleep in the middle of a conversation. And sometimes I’m on my lunch break at work and got lost talking to you and then realized I am five minutes late getting back and shit I’ve gotta go.
  • If it’s been a month since either of us have even said hi. – IT’S ME. Okay, this one may be a little bit of both of us. But a friendship is a two way street. And if you’ve tried to hold conversations with me, and I’m being my typical anti-social self (I love you but I DON’T KNOW HOW TO CARRY CONVERSATIONS) and so you’re just waiting for me to say hi. I’m sorry, truly, that I let you down. Know that I’ve thought about you. And that I’ve missed you.
  • If you’ve seen me actively online, posting memes, reblogging threads without my queue tag, whatever, and I haven’t responded to you saying hi. IT’S ME. This is the hardest one to try to get people to understand. There are days when my best friends, the ones closest to me, get ignored by me. And it is not something they have done. It’s not something you have done. Sometimes I just… shut down. I can’t talk to people. I toss my phone to the side and say I don’t care, but I do care. I just don’t know how to be conversational/supportive/chatty at that current time.
  • If you’ve sent me memes (or if you’ve posted memes) and I haven’t posted/replied/or sent one in to you.IT’S ME. Basically I reblog memes to give me something to do to feel accomplished when drafts feel too daunting to me. They are something I rarely have the energy to answer at the time I initially reblog them. But don’t worry. If I find something in my inbox. I’ll add it to my drafts. And I will likely answer it eventually. (This holds particularly true for those of you who have sent me things and we’ve never interacted OOC before. I see you. And I’ll answer you soon, I swear.) 

Basically, what I’m trying to say here is, it’s not you, IT’S ME. And I’m okay with it being me, so long as you understand that I love you. That you are one of my homebois. My little nuggets. And I want to be your friend. I’m just… kind of a shit friend sometimes. Sometimes I need to hide away from the entire world. But I’ll come back. And I will still love the hell out of you when I do. 💜💜💜