Bulletboys

Bands and Girls They Like by Chuck Klosterman
  • GUNS N' ROSES:Bisexual models; submissive women; girls who would buy them booze.
  • MOTLEY CRUE:Strippers; women who have sex in public (particularly elevators); lesbians.
  • RATT:Hookers with a heart of gold. Or strippers with a heart of gold. Or thirteen-year-olds.
  • WARRANT:Virgins who exhibited the potential to become nymphomaniacs.
  • DEF LEPPARD:Drunk girls; female vampires.
  • THE CULT:Female vampires only.
  • FASTER PUSSYCAT:GNR rejects.
  • W.A.S.P.:Magician's assistants; women with rape fantasies; lower primates.
  • AEROSMITH:Models, but not waifs; high school snobs; more girls who like having sex in elevators.
  • CINDERELLA:Gypsies.
  • TESLA:Farm girls; whoever they used to date in junior high.
  • SKID ROW:Nameless, faceless, top-heavy sex machines (with hearts of gold).
  • BULLETBOYS:Girls with particularly deep birth canals.
  • L.A. GUNS:Drug-addled hitchhikers who like rough sex.
  • BANG TANGO:Faster Pussycat rejects.
  • VAN HALEN:Party girls; bikini models; the homecoming queen; cast members of "One Day at a Time."
  • DAVID LEE ROTH (solo):The same as Van Halen, except with bigger boobs.
  • BON JOVI:The girl next door.
  • VINNIE VINCENT INVASION:The dominatrix next door.
  • SLAUGHTER:Girls who couldn't make the cut as Bon Jovi groupies.
  • WINGER:Whoever Bon Jovi groupies used to baby-sit.
  • POISON:Girls who liked to tease; girls from small towns; good girls gone bad.
  • KISS:Any girl who wasn't dead.
  • IRON MAIDEN:Dead girls.
  • JUDAS PRIEST:Boys.
  • METALLICA:None of the above.