2016-17 Washington Capitals as cinnamon rolls
  • looks like a cinnamon roll but could actually kill you: Nicklas Backstrom, Marcus Johansson, Karl Alzner, John Carlson, Lars Eller
  • looks like they could kill you but is actually a cinnamon roll: Evgeny Kuznetsov, Dmitry Orlov, Braden Holtby, Brett Connolly
  • looks like a cinnamon roll and is actually a cinnamon roll: Andre Burakovsky, Nate Schmidt, TJ Oshie, Philipp Grubauer, Jay Beagle
  • looks like they could kill you and could actually kill you: Alex Ovechkin, Brooks Orpik, Matt Niskanen, Justin Williams, Daniel Winnik, Kevin Shattenkirk
  • sinnamon roll: TOM WILSON, Taylor Chorney
10

i spent 3 hours on this

Caps drinking game

Take a shot whenever:

  • ovi and nicky display PDA
  • locker pronounces johansson “joe hanson” or burakovsky “bear-akovsky”
  • holtby leaves the crease
  • tom wilson gets in a fight or scrum
  • joe b says that someone “rips one wide”
  • that ad that goes “jay beagle’s a sport fan, you can be one too” plays
  • tj oshie scores a shootout goal
  • ovi moves up the ranks of some NHL list
  • kuzy has an overdramatic celly
  • jay beagle gets a point of any kind
  • someone’s facial hair is mentioned
  • joe b and locker call out a reporter or analyst by name
  • joe b and locker imply that they’re going to dinner together
  • you get 50% off papa johns
  • mcgriddles are mentioned

Take two shots whenever:

  • holtby wanders near the blue line or looks like he’s aiming to get an assist
  • a defenseman scores a goal
  • pittsburgh is mentioned in a game in which they’re not playing Pittsburgh
  • there’s a goalie change
  • someone other than tom wilson gets in a fight
  • a goalie gets a shutout
  • nicklas backstrom is talked about beyond play-by-play on a national broadcast
  • Someone scores a hat trick
  • caps win in OT

Take three shots whenever:

  • brooks orpik scores a goal

lol at least the caps aren’t disrespectful and don’t have fans that literally say the worst things about the opposing team and their fans.
stay classy washington, love you always

6

I like to save the feature bits (usually all the derpy player survey stuff) from Breakaway, the monthly game playbook the Caps give out at Verizon. Here’s December 2016, and January/February/March 2017 (I uh sorta forgot I was doing these). Click to embiggen. Notable:

  • Ovi and Nicky both list Gladiator as their favorite movie. They are clearly soulmates.
  • Everyone except Holtby said their role model growing up was their mom, their dad, or both. Not Holtby. Holtby picked… Patrick Roy. This explains so much.
  • Karl Alzner’s favorite sports team is the Washington Nationals because he has excellent taste and is an excellent person all around.
  • Not gonna lie, as much as I’ve gotten fond of him, it still gives me a pang to see Brooks Orpik take sole possession of the Brooksie nickname.
  • Still not over Tom and Andre’s favorite television shows being “One Tree Hill” and “The O.C.” respectively.
  • Lastly, it took them three months to correct but Taylor “Chroney” Chorney finally got his name spelled correctly. Drinks all around!

Previous Breakaways

Caps True Nicknames

You’ve heard of nicknames like “Ovi,” “Nicky,” “Kuzy,” “Beags,” and “Burracuda,” but get ready for the true nicknames of the caps players:

  • Karl “Iron Man” Alzner
  • Nicklas “MVP” Backstrom
  • Jay “Lord and Savior” Beagle
  • Andre “Needs Adult Supervision” Burakovsky
  • John “Beanie” Carlson
  • Taylor “Rhinoceros Horn” Chorney
  • Brett “Steel Jaw” Connolly
  • Lars “Good Genes” Eller
  • Philipp “Pure Soul” Grubauer
  • Braden “Sock Enthusiast” Holtby
  • Marcus “Silent but Deadly” Johansson
  • Evgeny “Wizard Boy” Kuznetsov
  • Matt “Murder Face” Niskanen
  • Dmitry “Hip Check” Orlov
  • Brooks “Grandpa” Orpik
  • TJ “Baby Face” Oshie
  • Alex “hahaha )))))” Ovechkin
  • Zach “Nipple Piercing?” Sanford
  • Nate “Sunshine” Schmidt
  • Jakub “Favorite Son” Vrana
  • Justin “Ridiculously Good Looking” Williams
  • Tom “Sin Bin” Wilson
  • Daniel “Lord of the Beard” Winnik
  • Nate Schmidt: Skates sharpened?
  • Brooks Orpik: Check.
  • Nate Schmidt: Sticks taped?
  • Brooks Orpik: Check.
  • Nate Schmidt: Did you have breakfast?
  • Brooks Orpik: Breakfast is not on the checklist.
  • Nate Schmidt: I added it because I care about you.
  • Brooks Orpik:
  • Brooks Orpik: No, I did not have breakfast.
  • Nate Schmidt: Unacceptable. Look in your bag.
  • Brooks Orpik: *pulls a protein bar out of his bag*