I have written you countless letters like this one. They are scattered through every notebook, on old receipts, on loose papers tucked into my favorite books. I wonder what you would say if I gave one of them to you. Would you smile and be pleased, like you were with the little ones I left on your pillow on the nights I stayed over? Or would it simply be weird now? It has been 7 months. I still miss you every day.
For a little while I thought I was making progress. I hadn’t seen you in almost two months and I had come close to convincing myself that maybe, just maybe, it was the memory of you that I was in love with. Then one night you showed up unexpectedly while I was hanging out with friends. And even after time and space it was exactly the same. Seeing you made my heart beat too fast and I couldn’t keep my eyes off of you. It felt like finally coming home. You hugged me and I couldn’t remember how to breath even though I wanted to drown in your scent. You still remembered exactly how to move around me. I’ve never met someone so good at reading my movements and knowing how to make the most awkward of interactions look perfectly practiced and easy.
I do not regret anything that happened with us. You were a blessing, a gift I never underestimated the value of. And even though I miss you every day, even though I fall asleep to thoughts of you and dream of more, I want you to find happiness. With or without me.
I know that you are unhappy. I know that you have endured things that I can only imagine the edges of. I know that you are lonely and scared and so very very tired of fighting. I wish you would let me help you. And not only when you are so drunk that you cannot help falling apart. I wish you knew that no matter what you told me I would not be disgusted or repelled. I would not pity you. You are too strong and too brave for pity. You’re a beautiful person Darling and you deserve someone to take up some of the fighting for you, beside you. You don’t have to do it alone. Please don’t ever forget that whenever you’re ready to need a friend, I’m always, always here.
I love you. I will always love you. And I think I will always hope that you find your way back to me. But if you do not please know that I wish you the utmost happiness in everything. And I am forever yours.
With all my heart,