Bleachlists

How Bleach characters would have ruined Bleach Lists Girl’s wedding (had they come)


Wedding + Bleach requested by @crimsonightmare . :)


My actual wedding went off with very few hitches! Yes, my new wife stepped on and ripped my dress, and a bridesmaid tripped both up and down the aisle, and my hair was so short that my veil couldn’t stay on and fell off during the ceremony…but all of that was both minor and funny. But let’s be real. If any Bleach characters had crashed my wedding, it would have been RUINED. In fact, here are the ways that various Bleach characters would have ruined my wedding, if they had come!

Oh, and just a note for my new(er) readers: BLG stands for Bleach Lists Girl and is me!


1. Rukia: wears her bankai outfit as formal wear

An elderly relative, clasping Rukia’s hand: You are a more beautiful bride than I ever imagined.

Rukia: …

BLG: THIS IS WHY YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO WEAR WHITE


2. Hitsugaya: Does not enjoy dinner

Hitsugaya: Wait, why does everyone else have steak or chicken but I have chicken fingers?

Matsumoto: It’s probably nothing!

Hitsugaya: In fact, the only other people who have this dinner…

Hitsugaya: …are all KIDS

Hitsugaya: DID I GET SERVED THE KID’S MEAL?!


3. Yachiru: Enjoys the dessert (too much)

BLG: Uh…didn’t there used to be a dessert bar here?


4. Grimmjow: Mistakes the dancing for fighting

Ichigo: Dude, why did you punch that groomsman in the face??

Grimmjow: He freakin’ challenged me!!

Ichigo: HE WAS DANCING

Grimmjow: It was CLEARLY a pre-punch dance!

Ikkaku: I make that mistake all the time.

Grimmjow: See?

Ichigo: NOT HELPING


5. Ikkaku: Is amazed (by all the wrong things)

Ikkaku: The number of flowers the brides had to grow - incredible!

Ikkaku: And they all turned out so uniform and pretty!

Yumichika: You’re right, Ikkaku.

Yumichika: But maybe you should loudly observe this at a time when the brides AREN’T walking down the aisle.

Ikkaku: …

Ikkaku (whispers): Sorry!


6. Yoruichi: Notices that the brides love cats

Yoruichi: I mean, the ceremony was very cat-heavy.

BLG: It was.

Yoruichi: You clearly wanted a cat at your wedding.

BLG: I did.

Yoruichi: So my showing up in cat form is a problem because…?

BLG: No, that was fine!

BLG: Turning human to dance with my brother and forgetting to have clothes on - that was the problem.

Yoruichi: Oh.

Yoruichi: Yeah, I keep forgetting the clothes thing.

BLG: THAT’S THE PROBLEM


6. Aizen: Gives a wedding toast

BLG: [sitting with her head in her hands]

Maid-of-honor: Look, things happen.

BLG: It was a twenty minute speech.

Maid-of-honor: The wedding is still going well!

BLG: He recapped what he had already said halfway through.

Maid-of-honor: This will be funny later!

BLG: It wasn’t even about us! It was about Ichigo!

Maid-of-honor: Yeah, that was a little weird.

BLG: Who gave Aizen a microphone???


7. Ulquiorra: Wants everyone to know his opinion on feelings

Ulquiorra: I once experienced a fleeting glimpse of what you humans might refer to as an ‘emotion,’

Ulquiorra: I immediately turned to dust.

Bridesmaid: Cool but this is a wedding.

Ulquiorra: Needs more dust.


8. Matsumoto: Gets very drunk

Matsumoto: Captain! It’s your song! You have to dance!!

Hitsugaya: I-I am not a single lady!

Matsumoto: Close enough!

Hitsugaya: PUT MY HAND DOWN


9. Ukitake: Brings a wedding gift

BLG: [staring at the nine-foot tall sculpture of her and her wife]

Ukitake: Akon made it!


10. Lisa: Leaves her gift on the gift’s table

Lisa: Which is exactly where gifts should go.

Kensei: Not if it’s unwrapped porn!!!


11. Bazz-B: Chooses the wrong venue for his fingers speech

Bazz-B: And that’s why one finger is all it takes!

Groomsman: I know this is a lesbian wedding, but is that really appropriate?

Bazz-B: …

Bazz-B: What what do you think I’m talking about?


12. Ichigo: Is somehow better at being a bride than the actual brides

BLG (muttering): He LOOKED prettier than us…

BLG: Had a better dance…

BLG: Greeted all the tables way faster…

BLG: Pretty sure he killed a couple of hollows…

BLG: HE’S NOT EVEN A BRIDE - HOW IS HE BETTER AT IT THAN US?!

Byakuya: I feel this in my soul.

Furry Fanart Friday!

Here’s a bonus: http://maounosekai.tumblr.com/post/118992750168/grumpy-cats-with-troublesome-hair-their 

..Well, I actually started with the bonus, then I thought of doing a fanart based on this list, as some sort of doodle break from working on my webcomic ;u;

How the captains would react (if their lieutenants quit)


As requested by anon. :)


Previously on Bleach Lists, we considered what would happen if the captains fired their lieutenants. But what if the lieutenants…quit? How would the captains react then?


1. Squad 13

Rukia: Captain, I can no longer be your lieutenant.

Ukitake: I understand.

Ukitake: You need to go to the world of the living, where you belong.

Ukitake: I was there, you know, when you trained Orihime Inoue.

Ukitake: I know she is your true love.

Ukitake: Go to her, Kuchiki, go to her!!

Rukia: …

Rukia: So, uh, I got offered a captainship…

Ukitake: …

Ukitake: Can we go back like ten seconds?

Rukia: How long have you been shipping us??


2. Squad 2

Omaeda: Uh, Captain, you know how my sister got hurt during the Quincy invasion?

Soi Fon: Yes. I recall.

Omaeda: It, uh, kinda makes you think, you know? About what’s important?

Soi Fon: I do not need to hear your personal journey, Omaeda.

Soi Fon: If you have decided to actually commit yourself to this squad, then do it. Otherwise, I don’t care.

Omaeda: What if it made me want to quit?

Soi Fon: Then I would kill you. Nobody quits Squad 2 alive.

Soi Fon: So do you have something to say?

Omaeda: No?

Soi Fon: ….

Soi Fon: So close.


3. Squad 3

Kira: Captain Otoribashi, I will be leaving your squad at the end of this week.

Rose: Izuru, why??

Kira: I am an undead zombie monstrosity with a permanent hole through my torso, and the underlings weep when they look at me.

Rose: Only for the first couple of days!

Rose: And I still say, if you let me decorate your horrible torso rods with brightly colored flags…

Kira: …

Rose: Right. Maybe you’ve earned a break.


4. Squad 12

Nemu: Captain, I would like to quit.

Kurotsuchi: Nobody cares what you want, you dolt. Now drink your poison.

Nemu: …

Nemu: Maybe this is why Nanao says we need a union.


5. Squad 5

Hinamori: Captain, I have decided to quit the Gotei-13.

Shinji: Very funny, you idiot.

Shinji: Make jokes like that, and you might end up in the Maggot’s Nest, which is occasionally canon!

Hinamori: I’m not joking, Captain.

Shinji: You’re not?

Shinji: Man, I have the worst luck with lieutenants.

Hinamori: DID YOU JUST COMPARE ME TO AIZEN?!


6. Squad 10

Matsumoto: Captain, I quit!

Hitsugaya: I do not accept.

Matsumoto: What? You can’t just not accept my resignation, Captain!

Hitsugaya: Yes, I can.

Hitsugaya: I don’t accept it.

Hitsugaya: You know, you could just ask for time off if there is a big sale in the human world or something!

Matsumoto: You’d give me time off for shopping??

Hitsugaya: NO

Matsumoto: See? Maybe this is why I want to quit!

Hitsugaya: JUST DO YOUR PAPERWORK


7. Squad 11

Yachiru: Ken-chan, I’m not gonna be a lieutenant anymore!

Kenpachi: Yeah?

Kenpachi: Okay.

Kenpachi: What are we going to do now, then?

Kenpachi: Look for stronger people to fight?

Yachiru: Sure!

Kenpachi: Sounds about right, for us.


8. Squad 4

Isane: Um, Captain Unohana?

Isane: I, uh, need to talk to you about something. I’ve….decided to quit the Gotei-13.

Unohana: Is that so, Isane?

Unohana: I understand.

Unohana: It is time for your murder phase. I had long seen it coming.

Isane: N-not everyone has a murder phase, Captain!

Unohana: Don’t be embarrassed, Isane. It is part of growing up.

Isane: C-Captain!


9. Squad 9 (Mashiro)

Mashiro: Kensei, I QUIT!

Kensei: You don’t even know what that means, idiot.

Mashiro: Yes I do!!!! It means I’m done following you!!!

Kensei: Whatever happened to “a lieutenant always followers her captain”??

Mashiro: That’s why I’m quitting!

Kensei: FINE

Mashiro: FINE

Kensei: THANK GOODNESS I WON’T HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOU

Mashiro: LIKE YOU CAN SURVIVE WITHOUT ME

Hisagi: It’s like watching your parents divorce.


10. Squad 9 (Hisagi)

Hisagi: …and that is why, Captain, I need to leave your command.

Kensei: Shuhei, don’t be an idiot.

Kensei: You have our squad number TATTOOED ON YOUR FACE

Kensei: What are you gonna do, porn??

Hisagi: Well…

Kensei: NO SHUHEI


11. Squad 1

Sasakibe: Head Captain, I am afraid I must tender my resignation.

Yamamoto: Are you…are you SERIOUS?!

Yamamoto: I tried to promote you like 1000 times!

Sasakibe: I-I couldn’t take a promotion, Head Captain! It would have felt disloyal!

Yamamoto: But quitting isn’t?!

Sasakibe: …

Sasakibe: I’m a complicated guy.


12. Squad 8

Nanao: Captain, this is my three week’s notice. 

Kyoraku: Notice until what?

Nanao: Until I will be quitting.

Kyoraku: Q-quitting, Nanao-chan??

Kyoraku: Please don’t quit, my lovely beautiful lieutenant flower!

Kyoraku: Is this because I drink too much? Because of all the naps? Because I accidentally used your report as a coaster?

Nanao: You did WHAT to my report?

Kyoraku: See? How will I survive without that cruel, harsh look, Nanao-chan?

Nanao: …it’s going to be a long three weeks.


13. Squad 6

Renji: Captain, I am quitting!

Byakuya: Renji, you should leave the jokes to me.

Renji: This is not a joke, Captain. I am quitting.

Byakuya: You cannot quit, Renji. This is the Gotei-13.

Renji: Y-your last lieutenant quit! 

Byakuya: He had a very good reason.

Renji: He opened a sunglasses shop!

Byakuya: Are you suggested that sunglasses are not a good reason? Are you, Renji?

Renji: …

Renji: This went very differently in my head.


14. Squad 9

Iba: Captain, I need to speak with you!

Iba: I want you to know, Captain, that being your lieutenant has been fantastic.

Iba: I grew as a soldier and as a person.

Iba: Your courage and honestly and loyalty always inspired me!

Iba: And I could not have served a better man!

Iba: But I can no longer be your lieutenant.

Puppy Komamura: Wuff?

Iba: …

Iba: I think you need a friend, instead.

Bleach Characters Cooking


As requested by anon. :)


1. Ishida: Follows the recipes (mostly)

Orihime: Wow, Ishida-kun! These cookies are good!

Ishida: Thank you!

Orihime: I can’t believe you found a recipe for these tiny sugar Quincy bows that you used as decorations!

Ishida: Oh, I’ve been making those since I was eight.


2. Ichigo: Does not follow the recipe

Ishida: Kurosaki, WHAT did you do to these cookies?

Ichigo: Well, I didn’t have flour, but I figured that since bread is mostly flour, if I just cut off tiny, tiny pieces of bread it would basically be flour!

Ishida: …

Ishida: It’s the menos grande all over again.

Ichigo: Yeah, my plans usually work way better than this.


3. Grimmjow: Gets impatient

Grimmjow: Oh, you want me to WAIT for the water to BOIL, do you?

Grimmjow: WELL FUCK YOU THE PASTA IS GOING IN NOW!!

Ichigo: So now you have pasta in water…

Grimmjow: Nobody asked you!


4. Nnoitra: Lives off of protein shakes

Tesla: Sir, I keep telling you, if you want to bulk up, there’s another way!

Tesla: Just a little bit of contouring around the pecs and -

Nnoitra: PUT DOWN THE MAKEUP BRUSH BEFORE I BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH IT TESLA


5. Yoruichi: Cooks well (unless she gets her human and cat palates mixed up)

Soi Fon: Y-Yoruichi-sama, these cookies are so…

Soi Fon: …

Soi Fon: …

Soi Fon: Tuna-flavored.

Yoruichi: Gotta stop shopping in cat form.

Soi Fon: You shop in cat form?!


6. Soi Fon: Judges recipes by their speed

Soi Fon: A true ninja can make two-minute eggs in half a minute!

Omaeda: So….basically just raw eggs then?

Soi Fon: …

Omaeda: What?


7. Hiyori: Yells a lot

Hiyori: PAPRIKA?! Who the hell keeps paprika just sitting around?!?

Kensei: It’s in the spice cabinet.

Hiyori: AND SINCE WHEN DO WE HAVE A SPICE CABINET?!


8. Kensei: Cooks beautifully

Kensei: Don’t have much of a choice, really.

Kensei: Since none of the other visored cook, someone had to step up.

Kensei: What was the alternative?

Hisagi: Day 57 of delicious pre-packaged ramen, here I come!

Kensei: …

Kensei: SHUHEI


9. Sasakibe: Tries to cook English food

Sasakibe: Sir, be honest.

Sasakibe: What do you think of my flavorless gruel?

Yamamoto: It’s…horrible.

Sasakibe: Nailed it!


10. Yumichika: Mostly cares about how the food looks

Ikkaku: Yumichika, be honest with me.

Ikkaku: What percentage of this dish is glue?

Yumichika: Mmm….probably a solid 30 percent.

Ikkaku: That explains why my throat feels like it’s closing up!

Yumichika: It looked really beautiful though.


11. Kurotsuchi: Nobody knows

Kurotsuchi: Nobody bought my cookies at the bake sale AGAIN this year.

Kurotuschi: Ridiculous.

Nemu: Maybe you should not have called them Poison Cookies?

Kurotsuchi: That was obviously a joke!

Kurotsuchi: The drugs in them would not have killed anyone.

Kurotsuchi: Nobody gets my sense of humor. 


12. Kukaku: Has her…own style

Ichigo: This is the most embarrassing cake I’ve ever seen.

Ishida: We can’t be seen eating this.

Ichigo: But if we eat it, then it won’t be here anymore!

Ishida: But then we’ll be seen eating it!

Ichigo: Not if we eat it really really fast!

Kukaku: Man, those boys sure are gulping down that cake!

Kukaku: I’m a cooking goddess.

What a coincidence! Just last night I was wondering how Kensei’s like when he’s drunk or how high or low his tolerance for alcohol is. Then this list came up today, haha! XD

Also *coughs* Shuuhei/Kamina seiyuu reference there *coughs* :3c

If Ichigo’s enemies got him presents


As requested by anon. :)


Ulquiorra: Kurosaki Ichigo, I and the other Bleach villains have thrown you this party.

Ichigo: …when I got an anonymous party invite, I kinda thought it would be my friends.

Ulquiorra: That is because you are bad at inference.

Ichigo: Hey!

Ulquiorra: Regardless, we are here to each give you a present that will promote your growth as a person.

Ichigo: Um…you’re my enemies.

Ichigo: And you want to help me grow as a person?

Ulquiorra: Did not fighting us increase your strength? Did not losing to us increase your resolve? Did not the heat of battle lead in every case to ridiculously unfair power-ups?

Ichigo: …

Ichigo: Yeah okay. Bring on the gifts. 

Grimmjow: There are so many things wrong with you.

Ichigo: Not a great start.

Grimmjow: So, so many.

Ichigo: Yeah, okay!

Grimmjow: But most of all - you need to learn to take a punch without folding like a dead fraccion!

Grimmjow: So here. This is one of those spring-loaded punching machines. I suggest you stand in front of it every day and take punches to the face.

Ichigo: …

Ichigo: …

Ichigo: Wow, that’s way more useful a gift than I expected!

Ulquiorra: You say that only because you have not seen mine.

Ulquiorra: I know that as a “human,” you care about keeping promises. Therefore, I got you this.

Ichigo: Ulquiorra, is this a chainsaw?

Ulquiorra: You promised to cut off an arm and a leg.

Ulquiorra: I know that has been hanging over your head.

Ichigo: Uh…

Ulquiorra: You are welcome.

Ginjo: Okay! Okay! Enough of the espada hogging the villain spotlight!

Ginjo: Ichigo, I got you this lovely box of chocolates.

Ginjo: Because you told me how much you love chocolate.

Ichigo: T-that was a private and weirdly intense scene!

Ginjo: Just take the chocolate! It’s cute!

Candice: ENOUGH FROM THE OLD VILLAINS

Candice: Kurosaki Ichigo, you MESSED UP MY HAIR in battle!

Candice: To grow as a person or whatever, you need to understand how shitty that is.

Candice: So here. It’s a coupon to a discount haircut place with terrible reviews.

Candice: Maybe you can get a haircut even worse than the one you have in the epilogue.

Ichigo: Wait, is there something wrong with my hair?

Candice: Oh shut up and get a bad haircut!

Yhwach: My gift is much more kind.

Yhwach: I got for you this baseball glove and this ball. I have a matching set.

Yhwach: I know you never had a real father…

Ichigo: I HAD A FATHER

Yhwach: …but since I am your Quincy dad, I thought we could play some fatherly baseball in the ancient bonding ritual.

Ichigo: I would really rather not.

Yhwach: Kids. So fickle.

Aizen: Please step aside, unpopular version of me.

Yhwach: I AM A GOD

Aizen: Whatever.

Aizen: Kurosaki Ichigo, I got you this five-year planner.

Aizen: You desperately need to work on your planning skills.

Ichigo: Um, Aizen? This thing is already filled in.

Ichigo: WHY DOES IT SAY ‘GET A BAD HAIRCUT’ FOR NEXT WEEK?!

Aizen: Planning is a skill.

Aizen: I have helped you by showing you the way.

Ichigo: …

Ichigo: Well gosh, this has been great but…

Ulquiorra: But you are eager to put our gifts to use. I understand.

Ulquiorra: I look forward to seeing you with many fewer limbs, an even worse haircut, and many black eyes.

Ichigo: …

Ichigo: This may be the last surprise party I attend.