Today, at 277 lbs (5′11), I’ve decided to stop dieting.

I have been on a diet in one form or another since I was a child, including one severe bout with an eating disorder, throughout which I lost 100 lbs.

After losing all of that weight, I swung in the other direction and gained almost all of it back as a result of binge eating after depriving myself for so long.

I feel like being on a diet has become a familiar, hurtful, and enabling friend. I am constantly walking the line between trying to do what’s healthy for me, while not falling back into the hole of not eating, purging, and hating myself. I know that I need to lose weight, but I am now going to do it on my own terms.

I was previously yo-yo dieting by not eating carbs, and then when I had a run of feeling okay about myself, I would begin eating carbs again and immediately gain the weight back. I constantly felt like I was depriving myself, and the second I let myself eat something that I enjoyed, even if it was an extremely healthy food, I wanted to die. I hated myself, I was a failure.

So, I’m done. I’ve decided to cut meat out of my diet, and while that sounds like a diet plan, to me it isn’t. I was vegan for a year and a half, and felt better than I ever did in my life. So, that’s just a personal choice that I’m making. I know weight loss will not come with this diet unless I actively work out and give my body what it needs.

I plan to live mindfully. I will eat only as much as my body needs. I will stay active to keep my heart and bones healthy. I will allow myself to enjoy living, again. I will continue to post my thoughts on body positivity, whether I’m feeling good about myself that day or not. And I know this is going to be a struggle for me. But I’m ready to begin living. I’m ready to let go of the words “I can’t, I’m on a diet.” And I’m ready to stop apologizing.


Makuta The Mask Breaker by Djordje
Via Flickr:

Certified Couple (on Wattpad) http://my.w.tt/UiNb/MnhoVjYkaw

Ashley Moxley was a new, upcoming diva who had just signed a developmental contract to NXT with her childhood friend, Carmella. They were going to take over the roster and were soon paired with two guys who will forever change their lives, Enzo Amore and Big Cass. Ashley soon develop feelings for Enzo, but doesn’t want to ruin their perfect friend…