Because-I-like-to-depress-myself

cruelhumanbean  asked:

im rlly sorry you're getting crappy messages :/ I think if these people were REALLY concerned about health they wouldn't be harassing someone whos just existing and loving themselves, like it's been proven that type of attitude leads to eating disorders and or stress/depression that makes losing weight even harder. (not to mention they don't know you or know what your situation even is!!) I'm glad you're not letting them get to you and I just want to say you're super pretty and I love your blog!

not your fault!! i agree, though, especially if they’re not personally my doctor lol. i had an eating disorder due to hating myself because i wanted to be as skinny as the other girls and ended up hating myself and tearing myself down to the point where people didn’t want to be around me. ever since i started loving myself, i wanted to be healthy for myself and nobody else. 

thank you as well, sweetheart!!! i’m glad you love my blog and i hope you will for a long time! :o hugs and well wishes <3

i want to die. i want to end it all. please make this shit stop holy fuck i can’t take it anymore. the only reason i even try to keep myself alive another day is because i don’t want to hurt other people. i don’t want to bring any unnecessary pain onto them. i feel like i’m a burden to everyone and me being around hurts them but i know killing myself will hurt them more. so i just keep trying to hang on as long as i can. i would kill myself in an instant if i knew it wouldn’t effect anyone. seeing how much i’ve hurt my mom throughout the last 6 years with my suicide attempts and overdoses and my depression and being in and out of the hospital constantly breaks my heart. every time i hurt myself, i hurt her too and she doesn’t deserve that shit. i wish i could just disappear and have her and everyone else forget about me.

anonymous asked:

Hi. I'm a bit depressed and by a bit I mean a lot and my meds aren't working. I was wondering if you had any tips about getting out of bed easier, or being motivated for the day. Thank you.

Hey anon.

This is tough because everyone is different, and whilst a lot of people have depression is affects us in so many different ways. 

I set myself a goal. Sometimes its only small but its something. Like today was to get up and watch Marks video from last night, then this evening to watch Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. I know it sounds silly but I had to do those things, and in order to do that I had to get out of bed. 

Find one thing you love. You truly enjoy. Youtube, films, TV, drawing, singing, whatever it is and wake up for that. The rest will come.

Oosh out
Thank you for existing

hermajestyreginamills reagiu à tua publicação “I don’t think they’re homophobic. It’s just that it’s not the way they…”

now im crying again

i love you a lot okay and trust me i know it hurts. i remember last summer i was really depressed bc i knew sq was never going to happen and it all just hit me like a brick wall. like… i had flashbacks of how badly we’ve been treated and i was just so sad i legit cried myself to sleep. people think that this is dumb as hell bc it’s just a show but?? no. this is literally real life and some people in the fandom treat us with disdain just because we’re lgbt+ and we ship swan queen.

it took me awhile to heal but! watch more lgbt+ movies/ shows if thats your thing! read more fluffy sq ff!! trust me it works wonders. 

when you realize how unfeminist and ugly this show is you’ll start to slowly drift away even when the love you feel for the swan mills fam is huge. and when you’re finally done w the show you’ll feel better, ok?

“I felt like sometimes she didn’t want me born. I was like Cinderella—even though I was a dude. She blamed me for everything. Maybe it’s because I was ugly, I guess. Girls were all running from me. My brothers were better looking. When I grew older, it was all about money. Mom and I never discussed anything personal. It seemed like she always wanted something from me. One time I called her crying, because I was trying to quit marijuana, and I felt really depressed. She just told me: ‘You’re wasting all that money on weed. You could be giving it to me instead.” She used to cash my student loan checks. One time she even used my social security number to get a credit card, and I didn’t even know until I got the bill. So I detached myself from her. I stopped answering the phone. Then two years ago she called to tell me she had cancer, and she needed an operation, but I didn’t even answer the phone. I thought she was tricking me again. She left a message, it said: ‘Michael, I’ve been trying to get a hold of you. I love you. And I know you love me.’ And I just ignored it. And she died. And I’m haunted by that. I’ve been trying to write about my life lately, but I can’t get past my mother. I wish I could just start my story with that phone call. With her saying that she loved me. The only other time I ever felt love from her was when I tried crack cocaine. I was a teenager, and I had been using for a couple weeks, and I went in her room to ask for baking soda. She started crying, and she looked scared, and she said: ‘Michael, why do you need baking soda?’ And I felt love at that moment. And it was so strong that I quit doing crack right then. I never used again. I didn’t go to a program or anything. That’s how strong that feeling was.”

this is why I get high

• I have more patience for things (from annoying people to video games)
• I’m more optimistic
• I get more done because I’m motivated
• I’m not depressed (actually since i started, my depression is less frequent even when I’m clean)
• I’m more organized
• I’m more social
• I work out better (longer amounts of time, more intensely, etc)
• I sleep better
• I’m more confident in myself
• I don’t eat as much
• Everything feels good
• No stress
• Music sounds better
• I notice minor details that would normally go unnoticed
• I fucking like to

yoonbum isn’t crying out of fear in this frame like we have seen him do before. He just sits on the ground after rejection. This frame breaks me, because i relate. 

This type of crying is reflecting years of loneliness, being and outcast, depression, mental illness, little to no self love. Bum crying here, is after rejection, of being treated like he is unworthy, and for people to not care. He is blatantly pushed to the ground like he is some underserving creep. This kind of crying i have experienced a lot in my life. Of course bum is in a worse situation so his crying is probably more stress filled.

But in this frame i see myself a lot: The lonely outkast kid, who so desperately wants to be part of something with someone, so much that people being kind once can make love appear in their head out of the blue. The child who is rejected again and again, constantly and forever reaffirmed that he is not welcome, that he is gross and disgusting and wrong. His tiredness, his stress, his hopelessness. He is in this frame sensing that there might not be another alternative outcome; nobody wants to save the loner with poor social skills.

It’s no explosive crying, but it’s the rawest most heartfelt of them. There he sits, rejected again. I see myself in that and it breaks my fucking heart to at any point acknowledge these feelings myself. 

What an amazing artist koogi is, to convey this exact emotion of hopelessness and real raw sadness. 

So, i know most of you probably won’t give a damn about it, but i’ve recently came out to my parents as gay.
I mean, i don’t even know why i have to label myself as gay, like yes i like boys but does it really matter? I mean, is it so important that i’m more into boys than girls?
Anyways, what surprised me was my dad’s reaction to it.
He basically said he was given his son this way, and he would never change anything of him. This made my whole day, seriously. I was desperate because my ex dumped me without any kind of explanation, literally, he just left.
I was lonely, depressed, but my dad was there for me, and helped me get through this.
There’s nothing bigger than our family’s love, just never underestimate it.
I know i barely share private contents with you guys, but this time i just felt like doing it.
We’re almost at 95k and this is beyond amazing, considering i joined tumblr since may (and i still have to learn so many things about it lol.)
So, thanks to everyone who follows & supports this blog, i love y'all
-Nick

People fear someone falling out of love with them, but no one usually questions what it’s like to be the one falling out. They can’t picture feeling that something must be horribly wrong with you because there’s no other plausible explanation for why your heart doesn’t flutter when you look at him like it used to. It was the position I never thought I would find myself in, yet here I was, looking at the man I supposedly loved and not feeling a thing. If there was anything there, it was negative. Annoyance, anger, sadness, the complete opposite of everything he used to make me feel. It wasn’t right to let him believe things were okay, so I told him. Watching his facial expression drift from a quiet seriousness into a brokenness I never thought I would cause, I wished I didn’t mean the words I said but I knew I did. I couldn’t keep running away, after all, where could I go when the person that used to feel like home no longer did?
—  Maxwell Diawuoh, Request: Telling the guy you love that you’re falling out of love for the same reason you fell in love with him.
I swear being heartbroken is the worst feeling. To myself anyways. Your chest feels like it’s on fire, then its like your ribs have punctured your lungs because you cant breathe, no matter how much you think about nothing, to try and numb the pain of thinking of them, your thoughts creep up on you.
—  This is life until you put yourself back together. Please take your time.
I was taught young how to be stone-cold, self-reliant, to hold myself high and poised, with a ready smile and a subtle charm ready to conquer the world. So I learned from early on to only cry behind close doors, on dim lights, without sound, to howl in pain silently, to break down without anyone knowing, and to never ask for help. Because when no one sees you suffering, do you really suffer? Much like, when a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? I can always just pretend that whatever pains me never happened, and I can always go back and face the world pretending I’m okay.
—  cynthia go // If a tree falls in a forest [88/365]
For me, compassion and companionship are the enemies of depression, the best ways to fight it. Compassion for myself because I know I’m struggling. Companionship because I can’t fight it alone.
—  Hannah Hart in her book Buffering: Unshared Tales of a Life Fully Loaded
and he was like cough syrup. easy to swallow and you would feel a little bit drunk afterwards. he was smoother than alcohol and cheaper than cigarettes and he was always there. either pressed against my hip or pressing bruises into my skin. my teeth were rotting from the taste but I didn’t care because he coated my mouth like sugar. I was so busy thinking he covered up the pain that I didn’t realize he was the pain. and maybe it doesn’t matter. that someone else’s mattress sags from his weight. or that I won’t have to keep buying concealer to cover up his love in the form of aggression on my neck. all I know is he’s out there forgetting me and I’m right here forgetting myself because alcohol is easier to get than anti-depressants. and it’s just funny. that I used to think of myself getting better and now I can’t even think of myself as okay. i guess now ill try yellow paint but it won’t be as smooth.
—  this isn’t poetry and you aren’t happiness but I’m getting better at pretending

One very important thing that I have learned is to stop comparing my life to others. Sometimes, my chapter 1 isn’t like her chapter 1. And more than likely my chapter 14 isn’t like her chapter 14. And I can’t compare my chapter 1 to her chapter 21. They’re all completely incomparable. Everyone has a different path that life is taking them down. Each path is filled with lessons that you can either learn and grow from or let hinder you and depress you. I have accepted my path and what is possibly in store for me, and I’ve chosen to be optimistic about it all. Because honestly, tomorrow (or any day) could be the best day of my life! I will not allow myself to be sad because my life is not moving at the pace I may want it to. There is a silver living in every day and I’ve chosen to see each one. Life is not a competition to see who has the “better” one. The only person who you should be competing with is your past self.

I hate that I’m missing you. I really do. I hate that I’m sitting here, reminiscing on a time when things were easier. When we were together. When we were happy. I hate that I’m wondering if you’re missing me too. I hate that you’ve made me this weak. Because I never used to be like this- I never let myself be like this. I was always in control. But, you… you’ve put my mind in a constant disarray, with no hope of being put back into line.
—  You’ve made me weak, and soft, and I hate you for it.
2

Big Girl Appreciation Day 👑

Right: June 2014
I just turned 19 , finished my first year of college and was working in retail for my very first time . I was extremely stressed from school/work and depressed that I tried to kill myself on March 19th , 2015 . Nobody knew I was dealing with depression because I’m the type of person who always had a smile on my face everyday . I felt like nobody in the world such as my family and friends would care if I talked to them about it that’s why I didn’t try but I was completely wrong .

Left: Present ( 2016 )
Today , I am extremely blessed to be able to have another opportunity to live and make it to see 21 this past summer . A lot has changed for me in 2 years , my self-esteem and the love I have for myself have improved so much . I had lost a few friends but I gain new ones and even a relationship . I’m just so proud of myself that I have overcome my depression and no longer afraid to ask for help . I know I am still a working progress but just know I am a beautiful black queen who can overcome anything thrown my way .

Keith enjoying quietness is possibly my favorite thing because so many people (myself included) imagined Keith’s life in the desert to be empty or depressing at times, if not always (due in part to Shiro’s disappearance), but this new info not only rules it out, it also makes it much more likely that Keith actually had a pretty good time in his lonely shack. It is literally in the middle of nowhere, it’s quiet, and he had the most spectacular view of the night sky every time he looked up at the stars.

I imagine he not only has fond memories of the shack,

but also actually enjoyed and cherished his time in it. He wasn’t lonely, empty, bored or depressed. He was enjoying himself.

Why do we never talk about the super hyper feeling of bpd. That positivity that has a touch of darkness to it, like suddenly I desperately need to talk to everyone and feel like laughing or going out (also most likely to self destruct) but it’s after a period of depression or dissociation (or both) and it feels like I’m throwing myself into things because I don’t want to be alone because I’m so close to having a breakdown?