BRUISE-CRUISE

Undead mummies are the new zombies in the final trailer for “The Mummy”

Color us officially creeped out. The final trailer for the newest installment of the Mummy franchise pulls out all the stops. It features a cursed Tom Cruise, a powerful ancient monster who seems totally unstoppable, and more huge action sequences than we can handle.

Oh, and there are a bunch of undead mummies walking around like zombies. But unlike zombies, these undead mummies seem super strong and are set out to take down humanity. So, you know, NBD, right?

Every second of this heart-pounding, mummy-filled trailer has us excited for this incredible new world.

Plus, it teases that this is only the beginning of a “dark universe,” which has us even more intrigued.

After surviving a plane crash without any bruises, Tom Cruise is told he’s cursed. And, under that curse, he has become something of a monster. All of that seems like bad news until Russell Crowe’s character tells us, “It takes a monster to defeat a monster.”

So because Cruise is cursed with what seems like invisibility, he’s the only one that can (maybe) save us all from ultimate destruction. But, to be honest, it’s nothing the superstar can’t handle.

As if it weren’t enough to have one powerful undead monster slowly taking down all of humanity, it’s clear from this trailer that she’s got a whole army of zombie-like mummies at her disposal. So wherever Tom and his costar Annabelle Wallis turn, they’re greeted by terrifying creatures in their path.

Unlike the more lighthearted and playful earlier versions of The Mummy, this movie takes itself pretty seriously. And that’s for a really good reason. Somehow, Tom Cruise’s character and his cohorts have awakened a dark evil force that wants to see the end of humanity.

And that evil force seems a lot more serious than one in the 1999, Brendan Fraser version of the story.

Not that we didn’t enjoy all the playfulness of those movies.

The Mummy premieres in theaters June 9th. So prepare to have the heebie-jeebies scared out of you just in time for summer.
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Brian Pillman with fans [1991]

The WCW Bruise Cruise was exactly what it sounds like. You pay a shitload of money and get to go on a cruise with a bunch of wrestlers. That sounds miserable, to me. Firstly, you get a bunch of roided up wrestlers in shitty moods stuck on a boat with fans that irritate the shit out of them all week or weekend or whatever it is. Then, you also get to be shirtless on a boat with your chick surrounded by dudes who are all in better shape than you.

Yeah. No thanks.

Of course my three second moment with Werner Herzog would turn out the way it did; an unplanned inconsequential moment of social malignancy and indifference.  

On the bright side, I’m now broke again, but I’m at least going on the Bruise Cruise in February thanks to some very key (see: awesome) people. Bring on the cocaine and kool girls with low self-esteem. Just kidding. The former, not the latter.

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