BREATHING FIRE

Did you know that I’m not her? And I partially agreed to the wait because I didn’t believe you existed in the first place. But in the slight rare possibility that you did, you would definitely not want me. Because I’m not ‘her.’ I choke on soft words like ‘want’ and ‘need’. I hate flowers, red boxes of unpredictable strangely textured chocolate, balloons that take months to die and everything Valentines Day. I’m sorry but to me The Notebook and Pretty Woman were just okay. I am the one fairies tell you to stay away from, I was never Cinderella, I was the evil stepmother. I was never the princess, I was the fire breathing dragon. I was Ursula, I was The Wicked Witch of the West, yet you chose to knocking on the door of this castle of my heart, unaware that an invisible fortress had been built due to much more pain and experience than a sting.

My first love on Earth cheated on me, visiting me on holidays bearing beautifully wrapped gifts of empty promises tied with bows the colour of wishful thinking and then leaving me. An egg can’t produce without a seed and winter came, then summer, then spring, then fall and I guess mine took the option to leave because although mummy said I was beautiful, and that it wasn’t my fault, it still felt like incarcerated incidence so beauty, to me, was incomplete.

So I stepped outside to bask in the sun only to find you sleeping night after night in front of the door of my cold heart, who led you inside? I was terrified. I’d never been this close but all you wanted to do was show me that we shared the same old wounds. For some strange reason you felt like heels click three times. I was a relentless unpredictable storm. I guess those other men were made of hay because I huffed and I puffed and the spirit of your big body howls wouldn’t go down. I hated the way my heart became a defiant teenager and listened to you instead of me.

It’s hard to breathe when anyone gets close. Stay close. And just let me inhale your exhale. Even when I punch you with my words, stay close. Even when I cut you with my fears, stay close. Look at my chilling eyes and remember, look at my bleeding knees and remember, I fell for you and it took my thirty three years to let that pain die so that new hope and new life could resurrect.

And when God removed the scales from my eyes, I remember looking at you and finally understanding the meaning of the word behold. I remember the first time looking into your eyes was like staring at the back of the moon only to find that it shines, too. You wear patience like a tailored suit.

All I can do is thank God and your mother for raising a man that I never believed could exist.

—  Janette McGhee Watson “I Waited For You

Wow, I don’t even know how to start this… THANK YOU!! Oh my god thank you all! I am so grateful and appreciative that each and every one of you have decided to follow me! It means so so so much to me so thank you all so much!<3 Love you guys!! :) So here we go I guess…

amazing mutuals and/or friends:

// alecdoesnotmakepie // arcticphan // avaz40 // beth-ah-nee // bonfirephan // britishtea1sugar // blossomhowell // catwhiskers767 //  damndanandphil // dan-meme // deadbeatdisco // dxntxuchmee // emmybeartheobsessivefan // eternallyphan // existentialdaniel // fire-breathing-misfit // fireworksphan // godzillable // gnarly-whiskers (<3) // grab-life-by-the-titballs // howellfornia // idgafaboutusernames // japanphan // joellethenerd // lolzorlester // madphan // meow-fangirl-meow // mermaidphil // myamazingphilip (<3) // onixn // phabulously // phan-is-in-the-tardis // phan-all-the-way // phancysomewhiskers // phanilyboy // phanissailing // phanks-fr-th-mmrs // phantabulous-killjoy // pure-phantasy // soffpop // sprfrt // suchphanveryhomo // synonymrolls // thepanphan // whisker-me-up //

blogs that i really love:

// amazinqphil // autumnlesterhowell // banana-phancake // beware-phangirl // catandbear-savetheworld // cookiephil // danhowellpng // danlsnotonfire // danscrotch // dil-howlters-piano-skills // emejig16 // flannelhowell // galaxyphan // happypandaparade // holysmokesphan // hovvells // howellslester //  httpdanandphil // i-make-doodles-lol // lavitaricca // littlephanfics // llster // orsholya-chan // parttimestoryteller // phanfic // phangirlingforphan // phanlight // phanscuddles // phantaray // phantheraglama // pjchaya // placentaandllamas // scientific-name // sliceofphan // sunshinehowelll // thatsmistertoyou // thek0leenset // transdimensional-void // 

my fab friends irl:

itsjayquellen (jackie! <3) oliveflavouredlambchops (olivia! <3) sc77ya (hannah!<3)

and of course my favourite people on earth…

danisnotonfire and amazingphil <3 i love you two so much.

i actually reached 700 a few days ago but i’ve been busy so i haven’t had much time to “work” on this. anyway, i know i tagged a lot of people because there are so many great people on tumblr. i’m really sorry if i forgot you!! <3 :)

can we please just ban smoking in public already

Smoke exposure on my way into work again. It hurts to breathe again. It has been the case, two days running, that the people I’ve asked to kindly consider not smoking at the top of the ramp into the building, within 5m of the building entrance, have looked baffled and disgusted at me and not even bothered to make a verbal response, so that was a load of exposing myself further for precisely 0 gain.

Which means I am getting around to typing up this rant.

If you smoke in public, you are the reason I can’t leave the house safely, where by “safely” I mean “without ending up coughing and wincing with every single breath for a week”.

Here is a partial list of things that prompt me to alter my breathing patterns in public, just in case, because I can’t really afford to be incautious:

  • people standing at bus stops
  • people standing outside tube stations
  • people standing near building entrances
  • people sitting at tables outside cafes
  • people waiting at pedestrian crossings
  • wind (because it means I need to be further away from any smokers to be safe)
  • absence of wind (because it means that smoke doesn’t disperse as rapidly)
  • people getting their phones out of their pocket
  • people getting anything out of their pocket
  • people using their phones while walking
  • people gesturing while talking to friends
  • people walking abreast across a pavement
  • et fucking cetera
If you smoke near building entrances, you’re the reason I can’t safely walk down the street or get into work. If you smoke near bus stops or stations, you’re the reason I can’t safely use public transport. If you smoke in public parks or while walking between destinations, you are the reason I can’t safely use or occupy those spaces. If you smoke in public but only when you’re not around me you are still the goddamn problem, and I shouldn’t have to spell out why for you. If you smoke in public, you are the fucking reason I can’t leave the house or even open windows safely, and I hope you feel fucking awful about it.
You have this fire inside of you, a fire so bright it would blind you if you ever saw it. A fire you cant blow out with a couple breaths, a fire so intense that water just makes it burn stronger. I dont know how you do it, after all thats happend to you. But you just stand back up. Day after day, you do it again. And what makes me love you more, is that you dont feel sorry for yourself. After everything, you wake up ready to fight whatever demons come next.
—  Something My Therapist Told Me
Zodiac signs as Skyrim shouts

Aries: Dragon Aspect
Taurus: Bend will
Gemini: Ice Form
Cancer: Elemental Fury
Leo: Storm Call
Virgo: Fire breath
Libra: Dragonrend
Scorpio: Throw Voice
Sagittarius: Become Etheral
Capricorn: Call Dragon
Aquarius: Unrelenting Force
Pisces: Frost Breath

You breathe, breathe, breathe fire not air, it runs in your veins, victory is so so so very near [his name, you think, should have been yours; you’re never never never quite enough]

For a while I thought I was the dragon.
I guess I can tell you that now. And, for a while, I thought I was
the princess,
cotton candy pink, sitting there in my room, in the tower of the castle,
young and beautiful and in love and waiting for you with
confidence
but the princess looks into her mirror and only sees the princess,
while I’m out here, slogging through the mud, breathing fire,
and getting stabbed to death.
Okay, so I’m the dragon. Big deal.
You still get to be the hero.
—  Richard Siken,
Litany in Which Certain Things Are Crossed Out
2

How freaking much of a coincidence is this????