This is it, people. It’s the day after Christmas, I’ve consumed more white wine in the past
two days than the entire cast of Real
Housewives of Orange County did all of last season and now I’ve been smacked by a soul-sucking stomach virus as retribution. So there’s only one
thing left to do—take on the Mount Everest of Christmas movies. Oh yes, I’m
talking about LOVE. FUCKING. ACTUALLY. Gird your loins.
00:00:37 Crikey, I always
forget about the 9/11 airport angle they tried to shoehorn into this shit.
Nobody looks that happy at the airport, NOBODY. I step foot into LaGuardia and
instantly morph into a gremlin after midnight.
00:02:44 “Oh! Fuck wank bugger shitting arse head and hole!” Billy Mack
is what my insides look and sound like.
00:06:21 Drinking game: Take a
shot every time you see a hideous turtleneck, sweater vest or any other form of
aggressively patterned topwear.
00:07:14 DRINK, BITCHES. Also,
Chiwetel Egiofor, you are a Commander of the Order of the British Empire—just say
no to magenta on your goddamn wedding day.
However, fabulous lady behind
you in the feathery magenta hat? YOU. BETTA. WERK.
00:08:30 “Anything to put off
actually running a country.” Too real, Hugh Grant, too real.
00:10:04 Chiwetel Magentiofor
is marrying Keira Knightley, who’s dressed like a glamorous chicken, so
obviously these two are made for each other.
00:10:27 FOR GOD SAKES, LAURA
LINNEY. You are a four-time Emmy-winning, three-time Tony-nominated, THREE-TIME
OSCAR-NOMINATED WHIRLWIND OF TALENT. Who let you wear this crochet foreskin on
your head to a wedding? WHO?
00:11:22 “Oh, pardon me, sorry
about that, just have to shove my trombone under the church pew.” I hate
everyone at this wedding.
00:12:23 Keira Knightley is
mainlining champagne at her own wedding reception which, if I had a full
cockatoo nesting in my updo, I would be, too.
00:13:46 “Colin, you’re a
lonely, ugly asshole. And you must accept it.” Tony knows what’s up.
00:16:25 I know this is
supposed to be a funeral and all but is there no indoor heat in the U.K.? Why
is everyone and their mother dressed like they’re trudging through the tundra?
00:18:17 Cue Alan
Rickman-related tears here. Genuinely terrified of the day when everyone I know
and love from Love Actually will have
passed. Except for that fuckturd Colin. He can leave this earth at any time.
00:18:42 Double sweater-vest
horror for the price of one. Drink and then drink again.
00:19:28 Side drinking game:
take a shot for every HR violation in this movie. GOODBYE LIVER, GOODBYE WORLD.
00:22:24 Ok, so sometimes I’m
Billy Mack but all the time, I’m his fat manager.
00:24:01 We’re just going to have
to set up an IV of Hennessy for the entirety of the Prime Minister Hugh
Grant/Not-Really-Fat-At-All Natalie subplot. Also anything involving that
turtleneck trollop, Mia.
00:28:04 “No one’s ever going
to shag you if you cry all the time.” Literally years of one-on-one sessions
and NOT ONE therapist has ever summed up my life problems as succinctly as Emma
Thompson just did.
00:30:30 Laura Linney, I’m docking
an Emmy for every godforsaken butterfly clip pinned to your already hideous
sweater. I AM NOT FUCKING AROUND.
00:33:20 We’re discussing
Non-Fat Natalie’s non-fat thighs whilst in the Prime Minister’s office. You
know what to do.
00:36:40 Kentucky Fried Keira
might be wearing one of those wildlife-killing plastic soda rings around her
neck. Sartorially offensive and environmentally irresponsible.
00:36:55 Professor Snape just
smacked Sad Laura Linney in the workplace but she is wearing a sweater that
looks like it’s knitted from the stomach spew of a drunkard, so she 100%
00:37:33 The Turtleneck Trollop
is trying to seduce Professor Snape in this getup. Girl, it literally looks
like you wrapped your English muffin in origami. DO LESS.
00:39:19 Oh for fuck’s sake, I
totally forgot about that “Mr. Darcy boinks the Portuguese help” subplot. Can
anyone be employed in this fudging movie without penetrating their coworkers?
Anyone?! NOT EVEN THE FUCKING PRESIDENT CAN KEEP IT IN HIS PANTS.
00:44:42 The Prime Minister
just basically launched WWIII because he wants Non-Fat Natalie’s non-fat thighs
all to himself. Sadly, this doesn’t seem all that far-fetched considering our
current batshit political climate.
00:46:47 I’m not saying I’ve
recreated this exact dance in my underpants whilst alone in my apartment but I am saying it’s happened a couple
00:49:03 I’m going to need an
entire dissertation paper on why the Portuguese help had to disrobe down to her
underpants but Colin Firth got to keep on THREE LAYERS OF SHIRTS when they go
into the lake for his dump typewritten pages. I want that shit APA style and
with full citations and multiple sections dedicated to the Mr. Darcy wet-shirt
scene from Pride and Prejudice, you
hear me? Also, you should be chugging alcohol straight from a garbage can based
on the HR violations in this scene alone.
00:53:11 “I know you’ve never
particularly warmed to me.” Well, Kentucky Fried Keira, that might be because
you insist upon dressing like the homeless pigeon lady from Home Alone 2.
00:58:02 THIS BITCH. We all
know that this bitch just wants to have her own private audience with the Prime
Minister’s prime minister and that’s why she’s size-shaming Non-Fat Natalie’s
non-fat thighs. If we’re gonna get real, girl, Chris Kirkpatrick had your
hairstyle for most of the ’90s and it ain’t doing you no favors, either.
01:03:21 Now, we can all agree
that Thomas Brodie-Sangster was one of the cutest children to ever walk the
planet, but we’ve got to talk about the hair height on this poor child. Exactly
how many foreheads does he actually have under there?
01:04:12 FOUR FLOWER BROOCHES? That’s
it, Laura Lonely, I’m taking away your Golden Globes, too.
01:05:37 The Turtleneck Trollop
is wearing devil horns to the office Christmas party. At least you can’t accuse
her of subtlety.
01:10:10 Laura Lonely is trying
to get all up on her co-worker Karl because he looks like he stars in the porn
parody of Aladdin but she keeps
getting clam-jammed by her unwell brother and it’s just like CAN SOMEONE CUT
LAURA LINNEY A GODDAMN BREAK IN THIS MOVIE? She had to go topless for this
bullshit and is constantly covered in hideous brooches and FOR WHAT? Not even a
little jammin’ of the clammin’ from real-life Aladdin? FOR SHAME.
The Turtleneck Trollop coerced Professor Snape into buying her jewelry without
even serving up her English muffin to him yet. She’s a grade-A slutbag but you
gotta admit, she’s masterful. Also, if I were on the brink of breaking up a
marriage and ruining a family, it would have to be for something that doesn’t
look a gold nugget that’s been pooped out and put on a string.
Listen to me: I adore Alan Rickman and mourn his passing on a near-daily basis
but the way he says “yogurt” has haunted me for fifteen fucking years and now
even more so because I’ve discovered AN ENTIRE SONG OF IT.
Know how you know Colin’s is the worst subplot of Love Actually? It’s soundtracked to not only “Smooth” but also “Wherever
You Will Go.” It goes without saying but we’ll be skipping his scenes from here
01:29:39 Try to argue that Emma
Thompson didn’t deserve an Oscar nomination for these three minutes of exceptional
acting alone. YOU CAN’T.
01:32:34 This woman only had
one scene and she and her overacting eyebrow were going to make it COUNT.
01:34:43 I yell out “I HATE
UNCLE JAMIE” at least twice a week, for no reason at all. I wish I was kidding.
01:36:36 The last we see of
Laura Lonely, she’s hugging her brother which, okay, cute, but we both know
you’d rather be hugging that beautifully tanned Aladdin dick. WE BOTH KNOW IT.
01:37:59 Okay, so we’re at the scene. And I
have SO MANY QUESTIONS. Firstly, how did Rick Grimes know that Kentucky
Fried Keira was going to answer the door and not Chiwetel Magentiofor? What was
the back-up plan, with you standing there with a boom box and notecards
declaring your undying love for his wife?
What if KFK didn’t play along with the carol singers bit? MANY QUESTIONS, NO ANSWERS. But, real talk, if a dude looking like Andrew Lincoln showed up to
my door with all of this fuckery, I would relocate myself into that perfect little
chin dimple of his and never come back out, bye.
01:41:10 I am 100% behind this
old-man ship between Billy Mack and his fat manager. Which I think also means
that I ship myself, er, with myself. Sounds about right.
01:42:12 That earth-shaking
screech you just heard was my soul leaving its earthly form due to the fact
that a movie about Christmas SPELLED FUCKING CHRISTMAS WRONG.
01:43:41 Why didn’t the Prime
Minister just take the goddamn envelope with Non-Fat Natalie’s return address
on it for when he searched for her apartment? I’m legitimately getting a
migraine from trying to make this movie make any sense.
01:52:09 Yes, the performing
kids are adorable but the sparkly scarf-wearing, obviously-gay back-up singing
teacher is the real winner of the Christmas talent show.
02:01:25 What is this half-yarmulke
that Mini Mariah is wearing to the airport? Also, Five-Head Tommy wouldn’t be
able to catch Mini Mariah in time because Heathrow is the seventh circle of
hell and also when the guards do catch him, he 100% would be interrogated in
the tiny terrorism room because of 9/11 but no, racial profiling and ARGAPSGAIHATGAEIS.
02:04:46 Mr. Darcy is proposing
to his Portuguese help even though he doesn’t know her and only spent a few
weeks talking at her but she has a cute little lower back tattoo and that’s all
he needs to know! Also, I love Colin Firth as an actor but his on-screen kisses
look like those adult virgin couples smooching for the first time at their
wedding. What is your hand doing?
02:09:31 And now we’re back at
the airport and all of the subplots have woven together unrealistically
and everyone’s hugging and not miserable and I STILL HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS. Like
how are Kentucky Fried Keira and Rick Grimes going to hang out with Chiwetel
Magentiofor like nothing happened? Does he ever find out? Does the weight of
their collective lie ruin their beautiful biracial marriage? Also, does Emma
Thompson go crazy from resentment over Professor Snape cheating on her and kill
him in a rage soundtracked to Joni Mitchell? And how does Non-Fat Natalie
handle the public pressure of dating the Prime Minister? And does she use her
vag power to have him fire Chris Kirkpatrick who shamed her non-fat thighs? AND
WHERE THE FUCK DID LAURA LINNEY GO? Someone send me Pepto-Bismol and a new brain, please and thank you.
Happy 32nd Birthday Kate! (January 9, 1982) – Words can’t explain how much you truly mean to me, and to so many women and even men around the world! I’m extremely proud of what you’ve accomplished so far at the age of 32, and I only know you’ll go on to do more amazing things in your lifetime! Thanks for simply staying true to yourself, and for always just being “Kate”. I also can’t believe you’re not only a wife, but a mother now! You’re doing an amazing job being a mom, and I know in time baby George will come to fully appreciate that so much! Anyway, thanks for being such a constant positive and beautiful figure in my life that I can look up to - not just for myself, but for everyone! People keep doubting you in your endeavors, but you keep proving them wrong every single time! You said you hoped to make a difference if even in the smallest way, and I’m here to say you’re making a difference in some of the biggest ways! Here’s to 32 more years! Happy Birthday!
PS. Gurl, you are looking too good for 32. Seriously, you betta WERK. xx