BECAUSE YOU KNOW

Presenting: Scorpius…the rapper. (I’m so sorry - I don’t know what any of this is.)

Doodle inspired in part by the incredible works of @platinasi. 😄Wishing you luck on the upcoming national nursing license exams!! ✨

-Yes, that’s supposed to be the Time-Turner on his chain. Gleams like gold, just the way the Malfoys like it. True, only the adults use this one in Cursed Child, but let’s just ignore that, okay?

-So I like to think Scorpius’s propensity for singing + killer pun game + tendency toward wordiness in general = rapper potential.

-Albus…disagrees.

-But you can’t deny that the boy who gave us “engorgimpressed” and “it’s time that time-turning became a thing of the past” wouldn’t be able to spit some clever rhymes. Plus he genuinely sings nearly every other line in the play so he’s clearly musically inclined.

-The biggest challenge he faces is choosing a rapper name to use during the one (1) week (albeit the longest week of poor Albus’s life) that he spends fixating on this potential career path. There are simply too many to choose from. I mean…

(Btw, Albus is normal, Scorpius is italics.)

-“Scorpius the Dreadless”

-“Malfoy the Unanxious”

-“Scorpion King”

-“Son of the Dark Lord” “Do you really want more people to call you that?” “I thought maybe I should just embrace it…”

-“Pepper Imp” “Scorpius, no, you can’t call yourself that.” “But there’s a Muggle rapper named after a Muggle candy! Have you ever tried Muggle candy? It’s fan-taaastic!”

-“$corpiu$” “We’re supposed to be English, remember?” “Oh, right…”

-“MC Awkward” (I shit you not, I took a rapper name quiz as Scorpius and this is what it came up with for him.)

-“Floorpius. It’ll make more sense when I’m famous for my breakdancing. I’m playing the long game, Albus.” “Please…no more-pius.” (Credit to @ohscorbus for coining “Floorpius.” Bless you for this gem.✨)

-“Hyper.i.on.am” “But you’ve changed it.” “So?” “So it’s technically not your middle name anymore.” “It’s close.” “It won’t make sense now, Scorpius.” “But I’m…so hyper…”

-“Master Malfoy…It’s what our House-elf calls me…”

-“Hyper Ion” “That’s not even clever.”

-“Lil Scorpy” “OKAY, ALBUS! THANK YOU FOR THE SUGGESTION.” “No, no, Scorpius, I was kidding - it was a joke!” “NOPE. I LIKE IT. CALL ME THAT.” “S-scorpius…p-please…I’m begging you…no.”

*12 hours later*

-“Scorpioncé” “Go to sleep, Scorpius.”

-He’s also definitely tried to commit the Twelve Uses of Dragon’s Blood to memory via rap. 

-And on one hand, I think Scorpius probably listens to songs and is entirely oblivious to any and all innuendo present, but on the other hand…engorgimpressed.

Stress baking be like
  • Someone: Hey, how are y-
  • Me: *opens oven to point at loaf of bread*
  • Me: *makes sweeping gesture at the other three loafs of bread already on the counter*
  • Me: *gesticulates wildly at the five trays of cupcakes on the table*
  • Me: *pulls open cabinet to reveal it bursting with cookies*
  • Me: *explodes violently into a mess of dough and frosting*

I bet APH Sweden basically texts ESSAYS, and everyone is like WTF YOU DONT TALK THAT MUCH IN PERSON WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU.

I mean seriously, America would be all DUDE DID ALIENS TAKE OVER YOUR BRAIN ARE YOU AN ALIEN I WILL DESTROY YOU AND RESCUE THE REAL SWEDEN YOU ARENT SCARY AND DICKISH ENOUGH TO BE THE REAL SWEDEN.

And Fin (and the other Nordics) would laugh his ass off because oh my god tHEY HAVE NO IDEA

a serious consideration

I think it’s time we had the Joker played by an Asian female with long, haphazardly coloured hair (with a bit of an under shave), a flat chest kept even flatter by being bound, the ability to code-switch and do multiple accents and could easily rock a burgundy tux as well as an emerald-green cheongsam

i.e.

I would like to play this next incarnation of the Joker, should it so exist. 

things i learned about/how to do in elementary school:

  • start fires using sticks and string/lighter and steel wool
  • build a tipi-like shelter (as well as how actual tipis are built)
  • identify animals by their poop
  • identify a poisonous snake (vs, yknow, a non poisonous one)
  • dust/lift finger prints using commonly available materials
  • accommodate people with various disabilities
  • various native american/mexican cultural traditions
  • environmentalism/conservation practices
  • grow food in my area/making butter by hand