No offense but I’m really /REALLY/ tired of seeing Eren portrayed as a woobified cute little innocent baby who can’t do shit in fics. I can understand if he’s a little less intense in modern au’s but it gets really annoying (and fetishy) when all I see is cutesie baby Eren who is constantly crying and needing Levi to come save him.
Eren “Killed three people at the age of nine, canonly stated by his own dad that he was antisocial as a child, watched his future best friend get beat up from around a corner, got top in hand to hand, ranked number 5 in the 104th squad, plugged up the wall TWICE” Jäger is a cynical asshole who doesn’t need to wait for some prince (or princess depending on the ship) to come save him. He’ll fucking stab his captors, take all their shit, and find his own way out while screaming bloody murder.
It’s the third time the lady behind him has tutted in just as many minutes, and Levi is on his last thread of self control. He turns to her slowly.
“There’s no changing table in the men’s,” he grinds out.
She hums at him in distaste and Levi turns back around, his grip on Eren tightening a little.
It’s not like he wants to go in there. Listening to people pee as he changes a shitty diaper is not exactly his idea of a good time. Besides, public restrooms are gross, and the changing tables in them, he’s found, are not any better off.
He’s changed Eren on the sink before because the table was so disgusting. He got disapproving looks then, too, but they were as unwarranted as the ones he was getting from this lady. It’s not like anyone was eating off of the sink - some of the fuckers that gave him the stink eye didn’t even wash their damn hands - and he was closer to hot water and soap to clean up that way.
The woman sighs deeply and tuts again, and Levi is this close to decking her when someone else clears their throat and a deeper voice says
Levi turns his head and looks up at a tall, blond man.
“Hello. I’m sorry for coming up to you out of the blue, but I couldn’t help but notice you are having some trouble,” he says, eyes flicking furtively to the lady behind Levi. “Might I offer you the use of our changing table?”
He gestures over to another, taller blond man who cradles a baby in one arm and lifts what looks like a laptop carrying bag towards Levi.
“That’s…a changing table?”
“It folds out.”
“I didn’t know they made those,” Levi says as he follows the man.
Levi is woefully unprepared for taking care of a kid. He’s just been using - and rebuying once he runs out - whatever Izzy and Farlan had.
“My name’s Erwin,” the man says once they’ve joined the other. “This is my partner, Mike, and this little fellow is our son, Armin.”
Armin makes a noise that is a cross between a sneeze and a hiccup, and Levi’s heart twinges because that is damn near the most painfully cute thing he’s ever heard. The most endearing thing Eren has done so far is a fart that sounded like a whistle.
“He says hi,” Mike translates and Levi’s mouth twitches briefly into a smile.
They go into the men’s bathroom, Levi giving the woman still waiting in line a surreptitious middle finger as they do, and Erwin unfolds the contraption - which is clean, thank fuck - on the far end of the sink.
“Need me one of these,” Levi marvels.
“Yes, they’re very handy.”
He takes a step back when he’s done and Levi comes forward.
“What’s his name?” Erwin asks as Levi begins to change Eren’s diaper.
“He must look a great deal like his mother.”
“Sort of,” Levi answers. “He’s kind of a combination, really.”
Erwin and Mike tilt their heads in consideration.
“I’m not the dad,” Levi says.
“Ah,” they both breathe.
“Are you babysitting?” Erwin asks.
“For another seventeen and a half years, yeah.”
“Oh…I’m so sorry.”
Levi shrugs. “I was planning on being the cool uncle, but I guess that went up in smoke.”
It’s a joke that’s in poor taste, but that’s how Levi deals with it. It’s a trait that’s pretty off putting, and probably why he doesn’t have any friends. He imagines these two are regretting helping him now, and will take their leave as quickly as they can.
“You’ll just have to practice your dad jokes instead,” Erwin says.
Levi looks up at him in surprise. “…I guess so.”
Levi’s done changing Eren at this point, so he lifts him in order for Erwin to take away and refold the changing table, and then puts Eren’s blanket down so he can begin wrapping Eren’s squirmy little ass back up. He starts by lifting the left end of the blanket, pauses, rethinks it, lifts the right end, and pauses again.
“Hey,” Mike says, “give me your phone.”
Levi raises an eyebrow at him.
“No offense, but you look like you don’t know what you’re doing.”
“What? Like you don’t agree.”
“You could have said it more kindly.”
“It’s fine. I am clueless.”
Mike gives Erwin a triumphant smile and takes the phone that Levi hands him, tapping a number in quickly before handing it back.
“So, you want a demonstration?” Mike asks then, nodding at Eren.
“Yes or I’ll be here all day,” Levi sighs.
Mike hands Armin off to Erwin and stands next to Levi.
“The key is to pretend you’re making a burrito. You don’t want the good bits spilling out.”
Levi snorts and Erwin sighs.
“What have I told you about comparing children to food?”
“That I need to stop because it makes you weirdly and unexplainably hungry?”
Levi snorts again. “You guys are nuts.”
“Don’t mention those or he’ll want pad thai.”
“They do have a Thai restaurant in the food court…” Erwin muses.
“Give me more baby tips and it’s my treat,” Levi says. These guys are nuts, but knowledgeable. Mike already has Eren swaddled, and Levi swears it was by magic.
“Come,” Erwin says, hand on Levi’s shoulder, “we have much to discuss.”