B-

B,

eu gostaria que você voltasse e me salvasse dessa porcaria de mundo cruel. eu estou chegando ao meu limite de novo. eu já fui forte antes, mas agora eu não acho que conseguirei ser forte novamente. eles estão me sufocando e me empurrando para o fundo. eu já vejo a escuridão lá embaixo. eu não quero voltar pra lá. eu não quero sentir aquela dor novamente. eu não quero viver a minha morte outra vez.

se eu cair, eu não vou levantar.

de já, desculpa.

Dear My Once Golden HoneyBunny,

Can you believe it’s almost been a year, now? I still think about you every day… I’m sure that’s a terrible thing to do. After what happened between us, I couldn’t blame you if you wanted me to never think of you or mention you ever again. I’m engaged now, Bunny. We have a house together, like you and I used to dream of.

It’s funny how often you plague my thoughts considering I’ve never even gotten to see you through anything but a camera lens.

The other day I was just thinking about how I was starting to forget your face. A face you were so self conscious about, and a face I loved like none other. I dreamed about you last night, and with everything that happened in it, your face came back to me in vivid detail. Every freckle, your shy smile, your gorgeous hair, the forehead you were so embarrassed of. I was back in highschool, and somehow you’d convinced your father to let you come live in the room across the hall from me. I fell in love all over again, starting with us playing videogames together (sound familiar?) and going as far as kissing the lips I’ve never even gotten to touch. 

Do you ever think about me? Dream about me, the way I do about you? Probably not. You hate me, I know. I’m sure there were things I could have done better. I don’t think I’m solely at fault, to be clear. I felt trapped, but that was no reason to do things the way that I did.

Sometimes, I wonder, though. I’ve met so many people, and none of them have permeated my every thought like you were able to. None of them made the highs feel so goddamn good or the lows feel so terribly, terribly low. What if you were the One, and I blew it? Do I have to settle for the rest of my life?

Either way, it was an amazing dream. I woke up crying.

Thank you, Bun.

I’m sorry.

AM,

I can’t believe I actually missed you. I don’t know if you were just trying to be polite or feel bad that I’d spend money for you but what the fuck. Also you were one of the people I wanted to wish me a happy birthday, and you didn’t.

Had a pretty shit birthday by the way in case you were wondering. Or did you just not give a shit today was my birthday? Anyway I ran around all day with my dad prepping to go to Florida during Thanksgiving break. Dad didn’t bother mentioning my birthday till like late afternoon. And his reasoning was like “oh don’t think I forgot I was just waiting for you to whine about it.” No I just didn’t care enough to fucking say anything. And he told me “oh I don’t have anything for you, but if you want a video game for the way down we can get it tomorrow”

After I got done packing, and doing editing stuff I went around to people I wanted to Christmas shop for and asked them what they wanted and if they’d appreciate it. After your text, one of the girls I wanted to shop for at college was like “oh you don’t have to but thank you anyway!” Didn’t annoy me as much as yours. “It’s okay you really don’t have to.” I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t want to. Yea maybe my reply was a little bitchy, I’ll admit, but I don’t regret it. Sorry for wanting to be nice I guess.

I almost did it without asking but I was like “I’d rather know beforehand before I do it in case he didn’t want me to buy him anything.” Guess that gut instinct was right. Our friendship changed since you and your girlfriend got together, it really has. Or maybe it’s cause you’re at college. I don’t know.

You know a thought I had all day was “oh hey wouldn’t it be ironic if I killed myself on my birthday?” Can’t tell you how many times that crossed my mind today. But I didn’t follow through only because of the Florida trip and the fact my grandma’s still in rehab till the 5th.

I’m sorry for trying to be nice to one of the people in my life that I actually give a shit about. Sorry for fucking caring. Guess you are like every one else I’ve been “friends” with.

~AB

B,

You talked to Y the entire day and didn’t even really look my way, and I saw how intimate the two of you were during the movie. And I suppose it’s a good thing. She will make you so much more happier than I ever could, and I promised myself I’d try to move on. You two are both friends I cherish very much, and I will feel nothing but happiness if you two get together.

Maybe I to you is just like R was to me: nothing more than an initial attraction to the first person who paid attention to us. I’m glad we didn’t have to break each other’s heart, that you found someone, that I stopped myself before it got anywhere.

I hope you will be happy. I really do.

With love (and now I can finally say it as a love between friends rather than something more),

K