Alien Hunter


So a few weeks ago I got interested what made us human apex predators(cuz lets face it we don’t look intimidating). One of the obvious is superior intelligence but that can’t be all. I figured I put a list together for any writer that want to use this information. (these are all google facts so feel free to do your own research or correct me)

Also disclaimer: This post excludes anything that has to do with our above intelligence(like use of weapons) and dexterity thumps, because those are a given. I wanted to concentrate on what else helped us survive in the wild. And this post does not say that the modern human is like this, its about people that still live out in the wilderness or 10 000 years ago.

  • Unique Hunting
    • We humans are persistent hunters, so instead of the typical predator approach by stalking our prey and kill it fast, we let our prey know we are here. We tried to hit it with rocks or spears, if the first strike didn’t kill it, we would just calmly walk after it and try again. This goes on over hours, usually during the hottest time of the day, not giving the poor thing a chance to rest until it’s finally to exhausted to run away. We would literally walk our pray to death. There are other animals that hunt like this(wolves) but we humans are the best at it.
  • Insanely Good Trackers
    • This is tied in with our intelligence but I wanted to give it an extra point. Most animals track by smell, which we don’t. We track foot print and things like fur on branches or broken twigs. Water or rain will wash away a scent but following broken twigs is a bit easier in the rain.
  • Amazing Cardio
    • We can’t out sprint any animal but we can outrun them. Humans are within the top 5 animals that are able to walk/jog/run long distances without needing a break. And we are the only predator in that  list.
  • Incredible Aim (hand eye coordination)
    • Out of all the animals we have by far the best aim. Other species with similar abilities just don’t have the same success rate.
  • Best climbers
    • We are one of the best climbers there are and if you don’t believe me watch a parkour video.
  • We eat everything (and i mean everything)
    • We eat many things that are either unenjoyable for animals or poisonous. Our digestive system is unique and allows us to digest these poisons without a problem. While some of these poisons would be dangerous enough in large doses, it is literally impossible for us to OD on them if we eat them as food. Here’s a list:
      • Chocolate
      • Spicy food (is not deadly just unenjoyable)
      • Milk (Humans are the only animals on earth that are lactose tolerant when we grow into adulthood)
      • Avocado
      • Garlic 
      • Coconut
      • Yeast bread
      • Eggs
      • Grapes/Raisins
      • Onions
  • Super Healing
    • Our flesh wounds stop bleeding relatively fast and heal fast too.We heal so well that a broken bone is considered a relative minor medical issue. A broken bone is a death sentence in the animal kingdom and even for modern days vets its impossible sometime to heal an animal’s broken bone. Not only do our bones heal fast but it grows stronger afterward.
  • Lack of Fur
    • Animals that don’t sweat need to regulate their heat by panting. Humans have much better way at regulating heat: we sweat. Sweating happens parallel to whatever activity we do and allows us to perform these task without needing a break. If you made a dog do sports like a human it would have a heatstroke.

All in all we are a species that can adapt to any sort of environment thanks to these traits. 

As I sit in this Federation prison, I lay awake in my cell each night. I am still too afraid to rest my ocular receivers for even a brief moment due to that hunter.

My brother and I ran a slavery market, and business was booming. We sold to all the planets beyond federation reach and to some of the pocket clans. The federation had been after us for years and they never found us until they sent that wretched human. One night as Kurlog and myself were celebrating that cycle’s profits, the enforcer we had posted outside the door screamed. Kurlog grabbed his plasma rifle and we began walking to the door, angry that the guard had been startled by what we thought at the time was nothing.

We walked outside and saw the enforcer dangling from the rafters with a chain around his neck, pulled up from the ground. We were shocked, the Varanians were renowned throughout the galaxy as some of the best hand to hand fighters, how could he possibly have been taken by surprise and killed? Attached to his lifeless form there was a note. A note that is burned into my memory. It read seven simple words that shall haunt me for as long as I live:

“I am coming for both of you.”
You see, this hunter had a talent for what he did, this human knew how to capture his prey, and now as I look back I see just how ruthless, just how methodical and elaborate and ahead of us he was. For a few days after that note, we would hear sounds from nearby, only to find nothing but another note, with the same ominous message written on it. We would be awoken in the middle of the night to the sound of one of our body guards being killed, only to find no perpetrator at the scene. I now know the mind games that he played upon us and realize their morbid brilliance. We would see things out of the corner of our eyes, we would receive messages that our closest family members had been tortured for information by some mysterious human and he was coming for us next. The dismembered corpses of my crew were found through my ship one day. Each day, we were set into more panic, feeling more panic, knowing that this human was a wraith, never seen by the living in this brutal business of ours.

Then came the breaking point. He stopped completely. For a week, he was responsible for nothing that happened, and all he did was follow behind, just out of our sight. Every day, panic grew more and more as we waited for something, anything to happen. My brother and I didn’t eat, we couldn’t sleep, wondering in fear when the next strike would be. Then, as we were at our weakest and as we were most afraid, he struck.

Having not rested in days, my brother and I were weary. As we walked down the hall of our base on Dranax-9, neither of us heard of any news in days, but our fear was at its peak. Deceptively, he hacked our security system, locking all of us in the base together. No way out until that hunter wanted us to leave. For the next week he haunted us, banging on doors at night, never letting himself be seen for longer than he wished.

On the seventh night, as we lay in our beds, our door was kicked open. Foolishly, Kurlog attempted to attack, but the weeks of deprivation of all rest left him slow and sluggish. The Hunter stepped gracefully out of the way of Kurlog’s swing and pushed his arm so the momentum drove him to the ground. As he lay there, the hunter unloaded two shots into his back from his Earth pistol. He turned and pointed it to me. “Drunax, you are under arrest by the Federation. I have been authorized to use lethal force and will use it if you resist.” I surrendered immediately, that rough, gravelly voice still ringing in my auditory nerves.
My trial is in a few days and I pray that I will be convicted and sent to prison, for that hunter will not be able to reach me there. I have heard stories of this hunter from the other detainees, and that if I am not convicted, he will take the law into his own and and deliver justice in his own brutal way.

The year is 2031

Roosterteeth has acquired anything to do with gaming or comedy

Markiplier? Roosterteeth

Pewdiepie? Roosterteeth

Comedy Central? Roosterteeth

BBC? Roosterteeth

They were sued by multiple governments for being a monopoly

They were simply acquired as well

They have 37 thousand employees named Adam

The original founders are revered as gods among humans

Aliens came to earth

They were acquired as well

All is roosterteeth

Roosterteeth is all

Guys, what if we’re the only truly violent race in the galaxy and when our Alien neighbors find us, they’re really scared? Like, we come to be seen as basically the alligators of the universe, really basic and comparatively primitive but will 100% gator roll your ass with a few nukes attached over literally nothing. Then, of course, you eventually have those brave few who come visit us for entertainment and it’s like an episode of Cosmic Crocodile Hunter:

Alien: Crickey! There’s an angry one there! Aw look ‘ah him, he’s committing mass genocide! What a little devil he is! Let’s go see if we can’t beam him up, shall we?