Adam Tod Brown

The most obvious gripe about Iggy Azalea is centered around the fact that she raps in a voice reminiscent of someone with firsthand knowledge of the gun violence that plagued so much of New York City in the late-‘80s, but speaks in a voice that’s more in line with the knife violence that plagued the Crocodile Dundee franchise during that same era.

It’s that last detail that sets her apart from the handful of massively successful white rappers who came before her. The Beastie Boys never sounded like anyone other than the Beastie Boys, and Eminem at least grew up in a shitty neighborhood with other rapper friends and such. Iggy Azalea, on the other hand, is very clearly just mimicking the sound of something she likes, with zero interest in understanding why the fact that she’s winning Grammy Awards for it now doesn’t sit well with some people.

Is it really that she doesn’t understand, though? Is she just from a foreign land where things work differently and racial politics are less of an issue than they are here in the United States? No. Fuck no. Quite the opposite. She’s from goddamn Racist Island:

5 Famous People We Didn’t Hate Enough in 2014

The video for Justin Timberlake’s “Cry Me a River” made it pretty clear who he was singing about and there has yet to be an instance in recorded history of anyone being mad at that guy for anything. So why all the guff when Taylor Swift does the same thing? Is it because so many of her songs are about ex-boyfriends? If so, and I can’t reiterate this enough, the fact that you even know who she’s singing about is the real problem here. If you’re that concerned about Harry Styles’ (whoever that is) right to privacy, read better websites and watch better television. If you do that, the problem will just work itself out, I promise.

We’re all reeling from Ferguson and Eric Garner. But why aren’t we looking north?

5 Stories That Prove Police Are Just as Terrifying in Canada

#5. The Saskatoon Freezing Deaths (aka “Starlight Tours”)

So here’s a guy who deserves his own movie. In the early morning hours of Jan. 28, 2000, Darrell Night, a member of the Cree Nation, was picked up by two Saskatoon police officers (both white) after a drunken argument at his uncle’s apartment got a bit out of hand. Like any clear-thinking intoxicated person, he expected to be taken to the town drunk tank to sleep off his buzz. That didn’t happen. Instead, Night was driven three miles out of town, removed from the vehicle, had his head slammed against the hood, his handcuffs removed, and was told to walk back. He was wearing jeans, a T-shirt, a denim jacket, and running shoes. In January. At night. In Canada.

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I suspect the issue is that, for all intents and purposes, pumpkin spice is the Uggs of the food world. Its primary use is to give lonely dudes a convenient means to talk shit about the women who will never fuck them while making it seem like there’s more to their “outrage” than that. There isn’t. You don’t hate pumpkin spice, you hate that you haven’t had sex in years.

“The public’s hate for Taylor Swift is still awash in that new love affair scent. Hating Taylor Swift is cool now, because, oh my God, does she have to write a song about every guy she dates? Well, yeah, she kind of does. Rather, she doesn’t have to, but why in the fuck shouldn’t she? For one thing, relationships are something musicians have been covering in song forever. It seems like a problem here because everyone knows who she’s singing about, but how is that her fault? Lots of easily entertained people want to know that kind of information. Why does that equate to Taylor Swift not getting to write the same kind of songs that so many men and women before her have written?”Adam Tod Brown

So if that’s a supervolcano…

…why are we all super chill about the one sitting under Yellowstone right now?

THIS WEEK ON THE PODCAST: Do you have what it takes to survive a mega earthquake? Will the zombies just kind of wear themselves out? What good is hiding in a basement during a nuclear blast if the radiation will just kill all of us a week later anyway? Host Adam Tod Brown welcomes Brett Rader and Cracked editor Alex Schmidt to discuss all of this and more!

Apocalyptic Scenarios You’d Probably Survive

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Just finished cutting the #NewGuyWeekly for tomorrow (Sat) and @adamtodbrown is so goddamn funny in it. Have an outtake slash sneak peek!

You can probably even make that with pumpkin spice at home.

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#5. How to Make Lattes Without a Machine

The one thing separating the average citizen from a bottomless supply of delicious blended coffees is that gigantic, noisy, and borderline impossible to clean machine that the baristas of the world use to make the milk foam that, inevitably, becomes the canvas on which they put their art degree to its best use. The dirty little secret Big Coffee doesn’t want you to know, though, is that you don’t need their stupid gadgets to make foamy milk.

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Are musicals the Disney-ed-up, Broadway-safe, sing-song-y choice for children’s entertainment because they should be…

…or because we as a society have made a tremendous mistake?

THIS WEEK ON THE PODCAST: host Adam Tod Brown and Mayor Of Podcast City Brett Rader welcome comics Maria Shehata and Sophia Benoit to dig into the Serge Gainsbourg-y, claymation-riffic terrors we all get subjected to as impressionable people.

On Scaring Children