Gif isn’t mine. Hope you guys enjoy this. Thanks for reading. xx
Word Count: 2525
I woke up with his arms around me and I hated it. I hated everything about it. The way he held me was wrong, the way he said my name was wrong, the way he tried to understand me was wrong. But it wasn’t his fault, he was decent, he just didn’t understand. And I wouldn’t let him. I couldn’t let him. I couldn’t bring myself to let him see me on such an intellectual level, especially since I thought so lowly of him.
I sighed and pushed his arms off of me. A small groan escapes his lips and I roll my eyes at the sound, finding it utterly obnoxious. I pulled on my clothes and headed for the door without leaving a trace that I was ever here.
I couldn’t do it anymore. The pretending was exhausting. I so desperately had wanted this to work out for once, to experience all of the things everyone else around me had experienced, or was experiencing. It simply wasn’t fair, the way this whole thing went for me. I’d given it my all until my all simply wasn’t enough.
I drove quickly towards the only house I could ever imagine myself being at the moment. Upon arriving I turned off my phone, so I could forget Jake ever existed. That this last month didn’t happen. I knocked feverishly at the door, the morning air nipping at my skin. I really should’ve grabbed a jacket or something of the sorts.
Ashton opened to door moments later, my teeth chattered as I stared at him. He looked at me with a bewildered expression. I could only imagine my appearance, last night’s clothes mixed with this mornings, and my hair doing god knows what. I smiled anyway as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes and tugged me inside.
My head fell to his chest and his arms didn’t hesitate to wrap around me. He placed a soft kiss to my temple before tugging me back down the hall. I could only guess he wanted to go to sleep. I hadn’t a clue what time it even was. But, after tossing and turning until the sun rose, I couldn’t wait any longer to leave. I followed behind him silently, wanting to feel his arms around me comfortably in his bed, snug against his chest. Our walk down the hall was slow since he was still asleep, but I didn’t mind him. He plopped down on his bed, pulling me with him. He sleepily pulled the covers over us, still refusing to let go of my body. I helped his fumbling hands, pulling the cover to our chins. He hummed in appreciation, his eyes closing softly as he rests his head against the pillow. I turn in his arms so my back is to his front and he sighs, complete comfortability encasing his lean figure.
“Missed you.” He hums against my neck and I smile softly to myself. This was how I wanted it to be. Unexplained, reciprocated, and understood. Something easy, someone I could trust without focusing too hard on trusting. A mutual understanding of each others intellect. But, as much as I wished I could, I could never have that with Ash. I wasn’t his type, so to speak. He was into the leggy girls with long bouncy hair and beautiful clear skin. I was just his frumpy best friend.
I studied the differences in our complexions as his arms held me close to him. He was so much lighter than I was and I often wondered if that was why he never considered me as anything more than a friend. I wondered if that was what was holding him back from loving me the way I wanted him to. He understood me completely fine, I just needed him to love me. My melanin stuck out drastically against his paler, pinker skin. I didn’t mind the difference in our complexions. I liked it. It just showed how despite our physical make up we were still completely the same on the inside. Two humans capable of love and deep conversation. Our backgrounds were very similar though we came from different cultures.
But as much as my pessimistic mind wanted me to, I couldn’t bring myself to believe that Ash felt this way. That he could be so closed minded to dating someone of a different race than him. He was the most stimulating person I’ve ever met and he wouldn’t, he couldn’t, let me down that way. My eyes studied how he pulled me closer to him, holding me tightly to his chest. And how he’d said ‘missed you’ like he’d been waiting for me to come home to him. He couldn’t be that shallow, it wasn’t in his chemical makeup. He was my Ash through and through. The heavy rise and fall of his chest soon lulled me to sleep peacefully. I was relaxed and unnerved.
I was awoken again by Ashton’s strong arms trying to turn me to face him. I peered my eyes open slowly, tiredness overcoming me as I groaned. I knew I wasn’t making whatever he was trying to do any easier, I was practically dead weight, but I also couldn’t understand what he was trying to even do. “Ash.” I groaned as his hands pulled at my hips again. “Closer. Want you closer.” He huffed. I opened my eyes fully to see his still closed, his arms reached out for me. I turned around so my chest was towards his, resting my head in the crook of neck. He sighed in relief, his body relaxing under my touch. His fingers grazed along my back, relaxing me back into a state of comatose. I looked at the clock over Ash’s shoulder, it was almost 11. I groaned, it was too late to sleep any longer.
“Ashton.” I sighed and rested my head on his chest out of exhaustion. “Hmm.” He hummed. Well, more like harrumphed, his chest lifting with the sound. His hands tightened around me to pull me impossibly closer to him, not that I minded. My head was dizzy with thoughts that I was embarrassed about having, I really hated that I was enjoying this. “Ah, u-uh, Ash. It’s late, we should get up.” I stammered. I brushed his unruly hair off his forehead. His eyes didn’t open, instead he shoved his face into my neck. His warm breath tickled at my neck which made my head numb, and my heart stutter.
“Little longer.” I heard him say. He placed a slow kiss to the exposed skin at my shoulder. It wasn’t odd for him to do so, but it still made me gasp. I tangled my fingers through his hair involuntarily, which made him groan and grip at my sides. I tried not to be obvious that I was enjoying this, but he was so enticing. I hated that he could act this way and have no feelings for me. I hate that he thinks this is platonic. This was anything but. Whenever Jake tried things like this I was always repulsed. But this, this was frustratingly sexy. He didn’t see it that way though. This was just him being him. Ash was handsy, but I’d grown use to the extra affection. In fact, I loved it. I was torturing myself by not putting an end to this, but I was enjoying it. I could let it destroy me mentally later.
“No, Ash.” I whispered. I didn’t trust my voice to say it any louder, it’d probably come out as a moan. “You smell good. But, you smell like Jake too. Don’t like that.” I could feel his lips tug into a frown at my neck. He moved away from my neck after that, his face contorted into one of distaste. Ash never was much of a fan of Jake, and he was never secretive about it. I could recall a number of times Ashton had made Jake feel especially uncomfortable. And not to mention, jealous. He’d purposely touch me in ways where, if you didn’t know Ash, were subtly inappropriate. This, of course, made Jake furious. I had to listen to him groan about it the whole way back to his place. I also had to do some un-namely acts just to make him shut up.
“I’m done with him.” I muttered, running my hands through my curls, my fingers getting stuck in the process. This made Ashton wake up, his bright eyes fixed on mine. I chuckled at his excitement, it was rather annoying. He could be happy with all the girls he pleased, but god forbid I did anything that didn’t involve him. “Good. I mean, why?” I rolled my eyes at his unsympathetic expression. “Do you care or do you just want to revel in the fact that I’m unhappy?” I snorted. I turned in his arms so he couldn’t see how annoyed he was actually making me. But, he could tell anyway. He knew me. “Of course I care. I’m sorry. I just…didn’t like him as all. Only want the best for you, love.” He moves the hair from my neck before nuzzling his face into the skin, kissing below my ear. His cool lips were tantalizing, making my head spin, making me forget why I was mad.
“I didn’t like him how I wanted myself too. He’s a nice guy, Ash. You never gave him a chance.” I huffed. His large hands rubbed at my shoulders. He knew he was upsetting me. Although I usually didn’t mind the gesture, now I found it manipulative. I push his hands off of me,and I turned to see his face in a grimace. “I just like you to myself is all. I’m sorry Y/N. Seriously.” He spoke. His hand rose up to caress my chin. “That’s incredibly selfish.” My frown deepens. I wasn’t sorry for making him feel bad. He should feel bad. He was being such an asshole.
He sighed deeply, his eyes closing. His needy hands reached for my hips, grasping at the long shirt I’m wearing. I annoyedly push his hands away again. “Ash, this is what I’m talking about. You can’t just do that! I’m a person. You’re best friend.” I whispered the last bit, a ping of disappointment settling in my stomach. His grip loosened and he used his hand to wipe over his face. “Gosh, Y/N. I know. You are a human, my favorite human. And I don’t know how else to say that I’m sorry than to just hold you close. I’m sorry. I am, and I know it’s selfish but, i just think no one deserves you. You’re just so wonderful.” He pushed my hair away from my face, his fingers lingering at my temple. My eyes bore into his, waiting for him to continue, waiting for him to finish what he’d started. I wanted him to tell me what I’d wanted him to say. My eyes fluttered closed in dismay when he didn’t. That was it, that was all he had to say. “Thanks, Ash.” I managed to say though I wanted to cry.
I didn’t object when he pulled me to him. I buried my head in his neck. It hurt to think that the person who could make me feel the worst, could also make me feel better in the same act. It was nothing short of agony to be in love with him and not have it reciprocated. But at the same time, I wouldn’t change it if meant Ashton leaving my life.
“Something’s wrong.” He murmured. I groaned, clutching my arms around his neck and pushing my face further into his neck. I didn’t want to talk about this. “M’fine.” I shook my head. He didn’t buy it, but he let me be anyways. His fingers circled over my back, creating abstract shapes. He let his finger wander underneath the baggy t-shirt I was wearing and I sighed, content with him. This was all I wanted. But in a less platonic way.
“You look darker than usual, richer.” He marveled. “Have you been in the sun?” I nodded. “It’s stunning.” He hums, his hands at my arms now and all my previous worries dissipate. I hum a thank you into his neck, my lips etched into a smile. I place a soft kiss to his skin, no longer mad at him, yet still completely in love with him. He continued to lead his hands astray against my skin. “You’re stunning, you know that?” He suddenly spoke, his warm hands never leaving my skin. I pulled my head away from his neck to look at him. He eyes bore into mine and i was slightly confused. Ash always touched and voiced what he wanted, but compliments were rare. It made my heart swell to hear him say something like that to me. Truthfully, I was over the moon. “Thank you.” I couldn’t help my smile from growing as his grew, the dimples in his cheeks appearing deeper.
“I don’t tell you enough and I should.” He murmured. “I think it but I never…” He trails off, placing his forehead on mine. I hadn’t a clue what was going on but I wasn’t going to stop him. “Ash,” I started my eyes boring into his. I didn’t know what I wanted to say, but I had to tell him. “Yes, darling.” He waited patiently.. My hands began to sweat. I was about to tell him everything I’ve ever felt for him. “I love you, Ash.” I admitted. My eyes darted everywhere but his, I didn’t want to see the rejection in his eyes.
“I know.” His hand gripped my chin, my eyes diverting immediately to him to see him smile softly. “No, Ash I mean I-“
“I know, my love.” He said. A thousand emotions swarmed my stomach. He couldn’t possibly have known, I wasn’t that obvious. Or so I thought. “I’ve known.” He hummed, brushing at my hair. My eyebrows furrowed in confusion at his confession.
“And you said nothing?” I scoffed. He chuckled slightly only agitating me more. “Y/N, I wasn’t ready to admit to myself that someone like you could be in love with someone like me. I didn’t want to be embarrassed if I confessed and you really didn’t love me.” He shrugged nervously. I smiled at him softly, my hand reaching up to caress his stubbly cheek. He leaned into my touch, his eyes fluttering closed.
“You’re incredibly annoying.” I chuckled jokingly. A smile etched into his tired features. “You love me though.” He hums. “I’m completely in love with you.” It was such a relief to finally be able to say that, and it was even more of a relief to see him smile when i said it. “I love you so much.” He responds, tugging me closer. “I should call Jake and thank him for for fucking up.” Ashton jokes, his nose nudging at my cheek. “Shut up.” I swat at him before he closes his mouth over my own, capturing my lips in his.
(5sos is a whole new breed of special i mean–) hello bad bitches!! i think it’d be easier if i re-linked my masterlist in a different way so i’ll just have many mini masterlists linked to one post and we’ll make this easy for me and you :-)