I think I’ve finally created the perfect girlfriend. No, no, I didn’t go around stalking and killing various women with ideal parts to stitch them all up like a sick sexual version of Frankenstein’s monster. Nor did I purchase one via human trafficking, cut off her limbs and hang her up in my basement as a living sex doll. And while I do appreciate your thoughts regarding my despicable mind and would be happy to reveal my methods, I must first explain how to select an appropriate template.
I myself began searching for girls with daddy issues, and while the deviants are easily made subservient their history provides an immovable stubbornness that prevents them from achieving certain goals. The rebellious nature is excellent in the sack and some may have the talent and willingness to cook or clean, but once you push them past their limit they’ll turn on you with quite a ferocity.
Next up I worked on fat girls. Considered ugly by many, they are eager to please and ready to obey most commands. You will need to spend a good deal of time slimming them down, of course, which some may not enjoy thanks to this new extremist feminism. I’m not one to fat-shame, but we all know the difference between a mermaid and a manatee. The problem comes when you’ve finally put in all the effort and they gain confidence. They’ll push back, knowing they can find someone else more easily now that they’re in shape.
Timid girls are the way to go, but do make sure they’re not terribly intelligent. Try to obtain them while they’re young, ideally before they reach their experimental college phase. Virgins are the best, if you can find one. Fair warning, they’ll need far more training than the others but the results are well worth the time spent. The more innocent they are the better you can instruct them how they’re supposed to behave, including things beyond the three major requirements (sex, cooking, and cleaning, for the slow ones out there). My main girl even knows to wait patiently by the window and begin mixing up a martini as soon as she sees my car enter the driveway. I haven’t had to punish her in a record four days now.
When you do punish them, do keep in mind to always restrain yourself from any physical violence. For the highest training efficiency it is imperative to employ emotional abuse only. If you must beat them, do it in the bedroom where you can justify it and apologize for not hearing them utter their safe word.
Now I’m pleased to announce that we’re expecting once again. I’ve had to get rid of the first few since they were the wrong gender, but I have a gut feeling we’ll finally be having a girl this time. Now of course I won’t touch her growing up, but I’m truly excited to see how well I can train one from scratch.
SEPTEMBER 7TH 2013. YES I REMEMBER THE DATE BECAUSE I AM A DORK. That’s when a beautiful, generous Bee made a post about offering a playlist to a couple of chapters of Ghost. And a shy, little Hippo (who thought Bee was basically the most amazing person ever) decided to reach out and ask for the playlist. We found each other on Skype.
AND HIPPO’S LIFE WAS NEVER THE SAME AGAIN.
I could not ask for a more generous, supportive friend. Not just in fandom, but in everything. She has this magical ability to know when to listen or when someone needs a laugh. I know I can safely pour out my salt to her and most likely, she’ll feel the same way.
There is a reason we yell ‘HIPPEE FOREVER’ and that’s because in fifty years, we’ll still be yelling about Garrus and Jaal and hopefully a few more characters we haven’t met yet. Because there is no one I’d rather yell about characters (and alien cock, let’s be real) with, than @theherocomplex