AND THEY ARE NOW HAPPILY MARRIED WITH A BUNCH OF BABIES

history of the entire world, i guess; a transcript

hi. you’re on a rock, floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it’s water. fuck it, actually most of it’s water. i can’t even get from here to there without buying a boat. it’s sad. i’m sad. i miss you. how did this happen? a long time ago, actually never, and also now, nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn’t happen. nothing was never anywhere. that’s why its been everywhere. it’s been so everywhere, you don’t need a “where”. you don’t even need a “when”. that’s how “every” it gets. (pause). forget this. i wanna be something, go somewhere, do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it’s possible because everything is here and it probably already happened. i just don’t know when to start. and that’s exactly where it started. (background noise) woah. i… paused it. i think there’s a universe now. what’s it made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that’s a thing, in a place. don’t like it? try a new place, at a different Time™. try to stick together because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it’s not empty yet. it’s still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees. (about no seconds later). great news! the quarks are now happily married in groups of three called a “proton” or a “neutron”. and there’s something else flying around too that wants to join in but can’t cause it’s still to (HOT). (about ten minutes later). great news! the protons and the neutrons are now happily married to each other (some of them even doubled up). (about 380,000 years later). great news, the electrons have now joined in. congratulations, the world is now a bunch of gas in space. but it’s getting closer together and it’s getting closer together and it’s getting closer together. it’s a staaaar. new shit just got made. some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion! and make some brand new way crazier shit. space dust! which allows newer, more interesting stars to be made, and then die, and explode into even crazier space dust. so now stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. like this ball of flaming rocks, for example. holy shit, we just got hit with another ball of flaming rocks, and it kinda made a mess. which is now the moon. weather update: it’s raining rocks from outer space. weather update: those rocks might’ve had water inside them and now there’s Hot Steam in the sky. weather update: cooler temperatures today, and the floor is no longer lava. weather update: its raining. severe flooding alert: the entire world is now an ocean. volcano alert: that’s land. there’slifeintheocean. what? something’s alive in the ocean. oh cool, like a plant or an animal? no. a microscopic speck! it lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup which is being served hot and fresh made from gnarly space ingredients leftover from when it was raining rocks or whatever. oh yeah, and it can do that. it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that’s pretty nifty, i would say. tired of living at the bottom of the ocean? now you can eat sunlight. using a revolutionary technique you can convert sunlight into food. taste the sun. side effect: now there’s oxygen everywhere and the sky’s blue. then the earth might’ve been a snowball for a while, maybe even a coupla times. it’s a sponge, it’s a plant, it’s a worm and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish. it’s the Cambrian explosion. “wow, that’s animals and stuff.” but we’re still in the ocean. hey, can we go on land? NoO. why? the sun is a deadly lazer. oh okay. not anymore there’s a blanket. now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let’s go on land! “nope, can’t walk yet. and there’s no food yet so i don’t care.” (100 million years later) ok, will you learn to walk if there’s plants up here? “maybe,” said some bugs, and fish. “uh. uh. uh.” (five million years later) “ok so i can go on land but i have to go back in the water to have babies.” (idea) learn to use an egg. “i was already doing that.” use a stronger egg, and put water in it, have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg, baby, in the water, in the egg. works for me. bye bye ocean. aaand now everything is huge. including bugs. wanna see a map of the land? sure. ah fuck, now everything’s dead. just kidding here are the survivors. keep your eye on this one because its about to become the dinosaurs. here’s another map of the land. yeah, it broke apart, don’t worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor. and the dinosaurs are gone. its mammal time! here come the mammals. look at those breasts. now they’re gonna dominate the world, and one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like ‘that’. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make… pointed rocks. “ouch.” and set things on fire. “yeouch.” and make crazy sounds with their voice (“gneurshk.”) which can mean different things. that’s a human person. and now they’re everywhere, almost. ice age. what? you can walk over here? cool. not anymore. i guess we’re stuck here now.

let’s review. there’s people on the planet. and they’re chasing their food. fuck it, time to plant some grass. look at this, i control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let’s all build houses except mine is bigger because i own the food. this is great, i wonder if anyone else is doing this. tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it’s underground. better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping. guess what happens next. more food, and more people who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in, and people to make the houses. and now there’s more people and they invent things, which makes things better and more people come. and there’s more farming and more people to make more things for more people. and now there’s business, money, writing, laws, power. sociiiety. coming soon to a dank river valley near you. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed. why is all my metal so lame and lumpy? tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing bronze, made with special ingredient tin from the far lands of tin land. i don’t know, my dealer won’t tell me where he gets it. also, guess what - egypt. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we’re getting somewhere. also, china. and did i mention indusrivervalleycivilization. norte chico. the middle east is getting more complicated, maybe because it’s in the middle of the east. knock knock- er, clop clop, it’s the people with the horses? and they made an empire! and then everyone else copied their horses. greeks! ah look, it must be the greeks, or a beta version of the greeks. let’s check in with the indus river valley civilization. they’re gone. guess who’s not gone? china. new arrivals in india. maybe it’s thosehorsepeopleiwastalkingabout or theircousinsorsomething. and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff. you could make a religion out of this. there’s the bronze age collapse. now the phoenicians can get down to business. also, can we switch to a metal that’s a little easier to find? thanks. look who came back to israel, it’s the twelve tribes of israel. and they believe in god. just one though, he’s got like a ten step program. here’s some huge heads, must be the olmec. the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies. here comes the assyrian empire. nevermind it’s the babylonian- median- it’s the persian empire. “wow, that’s big.” ah, the buddha was just enlightened! who’s the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we’re all dying. you could make a religion out of this. oops, china just broke, but while it was breaking confucius was figuring out how to have good morals. ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff. and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it’s a great idea, he was…great. and now he’s dead. hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them. knock knock, it’s chandragupta, he says, “get the hell out of here, will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? ok thanks bye; time to conquer all of india- or most of india”. but what about this part? that’s the tamil kings, no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably. and they’ve got spices. who would like to buy the spices? “me,” said the arabians, swiftly buying them and selling them to the rest of the world. hey, china put itself back together again with good morals as their main philosophy. actually they have three main philosophies. out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city. let’s check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms: greekification overload! “bye,” said the parthians, “bye,” said the jews. “hi,” said the parthians, taking over the entire place. “heyyyyyyyy,” said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. “thanks for invading our homeland,” said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland. “hi, everything’s great,” said some guy who seems to be getting very popular, and then gets arrested and killed for being too popular, which only makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this. want silk? now you can buy it from china! they just made a brand new road to the world…or you can get there on water. “sick, new trade routes,” said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast. hmm, that’s a good place for an epic trading kingdom. there goes buddhism, travelling up the silk road. i wonder if it’ll reach china before it collapses again. “remember the persian empire? yup,” said the persians, making a new one. axum is getting so powerful they would like to build a long stick. has anyone populated madagascar yet? let’s do it together. china is whole again…then it broke again. still can’t cross the sahara desert? try camels. “hell yeah, now we’ve got business,” said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold, and slaves. “hi i live in the roman empire and i was wondering, is loving jesus legal yet?” “no” “actually ok sure,” said constantine, moving the capitol way over here to be closer to his main rival. don’t worry about rome, it won’t fall. it’s the golden age of india. there’s the gupta empire. not chandragupta, just gupta, first name chandra, the first. guess who’s in rome? barbarians. what’s a barbarian? “non-romans,” said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. or actually, just half is just fine. but it’s not in rome anymore so let’s give it a new name. the mayans have figured out the staaars. oh, and here’s a huge city, population everyone. the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks. how’s india? broken. how’s china? back together. how’s those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there’s more of them. korea has three kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it’s the sunrise kingdom.

deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammad’s ear, so he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods, and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this. and maybe conquer the world as well. the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus there’s new kingdoms all over europe. i wonder if there’s room for moors. here’s all the wisdom, in a house. it’s the baghdad house of wisdom, just in time for the islamic golden age. “let’s bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast,” said the swahili on the swahili coast. remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now. wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere? the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. “surprise, you’re the new roman emperor,” said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not france. the northerners, or just norse if you don’t have that much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north, and they find some land. two types of land, and they name them accordingly. they also invade some other places and get called many names, such as vikings. there’s the rus, the kievan rus. are they vikings? “i don’t think so,” said the kievan rus. ok, fair enough. the pope is ready to make some more emperors of the roman empire, the holy roman empire. it’s actually germany but don’t worry about it. new kingdoms! christianizeallthekingdoms. which brand would you like? “mine’s better,” “mine’s better,” “mine’s better”. “time to conquer england,” said william. it’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s the seljuk turks. “ahh!” said the byzantine empire, who’s getting so small it almost doesn’t exist anymore, “we need help!” they need help, so they call the pope. “hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you wanna take back the holy land.” “yes, i do actually want to do that. let’s do a crusade.” crusade. they did many crusades, some of which almost didn’t fail, but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals. goodbye mayans. hello toltecs, goodbye toltecs, hello mississippi. look at those mounds. there’s the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff. guess who’s here? khmer. where? here, and pagan is there, and vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government. china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis. i bet that will last a long time! some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india. is it tonga time? i think it’s tonga time. i just found out where the swahili gets all their gold. look at this chad (means lake), there’s an empire there, right in the middle of africa. the king of mali is so rich he’s going on tour to let everyone know. “wow, that guy’s rich,” everyone said. the christians are doing a great job of conquering iberia which will soon be called spain and not spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you are still christian when you least expect. whoops, half of europe just died. ming. china’s back, yay. hey khmer, time to share, new kingdoms here and there. oh look who controls all the islands, its the mahajapit. majahapit, mapajahit, mahapajit, mapajahit, majapahit? oh, italy’s really rich, time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it’s kinda like a rebirth. here’s a printer, lets make books. so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? “yep,” said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. whoops, you missed a spot; don’t forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade. “what? that’s bullshit,” said portugal, spiceless. well i guess we’ll have to find another way to india. “wait,” said christopher colombus, probably smoking crack, “if the world is round, lets go this way to india!” “nah, don’t worry we already got this,” said portugal. so chris goes to spain. “hey spain, wanna hire me to go find india by going around back of the world?”  “no.”  “please?”  “no.”  “please?”  “no.” “please?” “ok.” so he sails into the ocean, and discovers more ocean, and then discovers ‘the indies’ and ‘japan’. let’s draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world. the aztec and inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent. the habsburgs are marrying into so many royal families they might have to start marrying each other. move over lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again. move over timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again. let’s make it the other kind of islam, the one where we thought the first guy should’ve been the other guy. hey christians, do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell. “that’s bullshit, this whole thing is bullshit, that’s a scam, fuck the church, here’s 95 reasons why,” said martin luther, in his book which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation. “you know what would be magnificent?” said suleiman, wearing an onion hat, “what if the ottoman empire was really big, which it is now.”  “what if russia was big,” said ivan, trying not to be terrible. portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade, and then that dream was real. and spain realised that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. “damn,” said england and france, “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” then the dutch revolt and all the hipsters move to amsterdam. “damn,” said amsterdam, “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” question one: can you get to india through north america? no, but at least there’s beaver. question two: steal the spice trade. that’s not a question but the dutch did it anyway. sugar. guess where all the sugar’s made? in brazil. stolen! in the carribean, and it’s so goddamn profitable you might forget to not do slavery. the next thing on russia’s to-do list is to get bigger. britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world, more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who’s boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who’s boss? yes they did, it’s britain. guess who’s broke? also britain. so they start taxing the hell out of america.

“fuck you,” says america, declaring their independence, and fighting for it. france helps them win, now france is broke. and britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent. wait if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses? “let’s overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!” said robespierre, cutting everybody’s head off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off. you could make a reli- no don’t. haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. “why didn’t we think of this before?” wait, who’s in charge of france now? “me,” said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back. luckily, they banished him to another island. there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin america wars of independence. britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast. then they invent some trains, and conquer india and maybe put some trains there. “hey china,” said britain, “buy stuff from us.” “nah, dude we already got everything,” says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked actually, but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy-fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island. britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop each other from conquering afganistan. also the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now, that’s just where he lives. india had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. “nope,” said britain, governing them even harder than before. technology is about to go crazy. the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. “it’s bad,” they decided. and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land, and maybe kick out the mexicans too. “i know, let’s rape africa,” said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. they never got ethiopia.  britain and france are still hungry. they never got thailand. the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they’re looking for more. hawaii. cuba. wait spain controls cuba. “well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on them? let’s blame the maine on spain!” so they blame the maine on spain. now we’re in business. to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans. britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go. china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and controlled by a guy from the previous government. europe hasn’t had a war since the last war, so they start world war one. look at those guns. it’s gonna be a great war, so great we won’t need a second one. after it’s over, they blame germany. russia went on strike and the workers overthrew the government. now everyone’s paycheck is the same. communism, in the soviet union. the arabs revolt, and britain helps. now the ottoman empire is gone, so we can give the jewish people a place to live. hopefully the arabs won’t mind. “let’s cut the cake,” said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore empire. except turkey, turkey makes a brand new turkey. and then the saudis conquer arabia. it just seemed like the right thing to do. hello? yes, it’s the 1920s calling. let’s get in a car and drive to a party and listen to the jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy’s great and it’ll probably be great forever. just kidding. germany’s back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model. he’s mad at the jews for existing. japan is finally conquering the east, and they’re so excited they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it. hitler’s out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all the jews is a bad idea, but he kills himself before they could explain it to him. that’s world war two. bonus round: pacific showdown, united states versus japan. fight! finish him. let’s unite all the nations and have some world peace. seems legit. “hi i’m gandhi and if britain doesn’t get the hell out of india i’m going to starve myself in public. wow, that worked?” bonus: now there’s pakistan. actually two pakistans. one of them can be bangladesh later. the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. “me”, they both said at the same time. “let’s divide up the land so everyone’s happy.” sike! they both get angrier. look out china, there’s a new china in china. what’s on the menu? communism! “no thanks,” said the other china, escaping to an island. i wonder which one is the real china. there’s the korean war, korea versus korea, nobody wins, then it’s on pause forever. let’s meet the sponsors. oh, it’s the two global superpowers. they’re having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which is an evil virus of satan. and they both have atom bombs. fight! wait no that would be the end of the world. let’s just keep it cool and spy on each other instead. and make sure we have enough atom bombs. “i’ll race you to space. now let’s make some more countries fight themselves.” europe is tired of pillaging other continents, so the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. so here’s a new map, with new countries. now you can’t tell who they’re being pillaged by. the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it’s bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it. let’s check the world population. woah. okay. technology’s better too, that might keep happening. the soviet union decides to relax a little and accidentally falls apart. europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money; except britain because they don’t feel like it. let’s check the mail. surprise! it’s on the computer! whoops, someone just attacked america, i bet they’ll remember that. phone call, surprise, it’s in your pocket! wanna learn everything? surprise, it’s on the computer! now your phone’s a computer, which is in your pocket. whoops, the economy just crashed. don’t worry, the big banks won’t fail, because they’re not supposed to. surprise, flying robots! with bombs. wanna print a brain? some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming, and the ocean is full of plastic. “let’s save the planet,” said everybody, not knowing how. “let’s invent a thing inventor,” said the thing inventor inventor, after being invented by a thing inventor. that’s pretty cool. by the way, where the hell are we?

psychic: reads my mind
me: hi, you’re on a rock floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it’s water. fuck it. actually, most of it’s water. i can’t even get from here to there without buying a boat. it’s sad. i’m sad. i miss you.
HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
a long time ago… actually, never. and also now. nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn’t happen. nothing was never anywhere. that’s why it’s been everywhere. it’s been so “everywhere,” you don’t need a “where.” you don’t even need a “when.” that’s how “every” it gets.
forget this. i wanna be something. go somewhere. do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it’s possible because everything is here, and it probably already happened. i just don’t know when to start.
and that’s exactly where it started.
big bang— pause
woah. i paused it. i think there’s a universe now. what’s it made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that’s a thing! in a place! don’t like it? try a new place, at a different Time™. try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it’s not empty yet! it’s still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees.
about no seconds later
great news! the quarks are now happily married in groups of three, called a “proton” and a “neutron.” and there’s something else flying around that wants to join in, but can’t cause it’s too HOT.
ten minutes later
great news! the protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other! some of them even doubled up.
about 380,000 years later
great news! the electrons have now joined in. congratulations! the world is now… a bunch of gas in space. but it’s getting closer together…
ten million years later
and it’s getting closer together…
500 million years later
and it’s getting closer togeth—
star is born
it’s a star
new shit just got made!
some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion! and make some brand new way crazier shit.
space dust!
which allows for newer and more interesting stars to be made, and then die and explode into even crazier space dust!
so now, stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. like this ball of flaming rocks, for example.
meteor hits earth
holy shit, we just got hit by another ball of flaming rocks. and it kind of… made a mess. which is now the moon
weather update: it’s raining rocks from outer space.
weather update: those rocks might’ve had water inside of them and now there’s hot steam in the sky.
weather update: cooler temperatures today and the floor is no longer lava.
weather update… it’s raining.
severe flooding alert, the entire world is now an ocean.
volcano alert.
that’s land!
there'slifeintheocean
what?
something’s alive in the ocean
oh, cool. like a plant, or an animal? no! a microscopic speck. it lives in the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever.
microscopic speck asexually reproduces
oh yeah, and it can do that.
reproduces three more times
it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that’s pretty nifty, i would say.
tired of living at the bottom of the ocean?
now you can eat sunlight!
using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food.
taste the sun!
side effect, now there’s oxygen everywhere and the sky is blue.
then the earth might’ve been a snowball for a while. maybe even a couple of times.
it’s a sponge… it’s a plant… it’s a worm, and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish.
it’s the Cambrian explosion: “wow, that’s animals and stuff”
but we’re still in the ocean. hey, can we go on land?
NO
why?
the sun is a deadly laser
oh okay.
not anymore, there’s a blanket
now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let’s go on land!
“nope, can’t walk yet.”
“and there’s no food yet, so i don’t care.”
100 million years later
okay, will you learn to walk if there’s plants up here?
“maybe,” said some bugs. and fish.
fish gasps for air
five million years later
okay, so i can go on land, but i have to go back in the water to have babies!
idea: learn to use an egg.
“i was already doing that”
use a stronger egg. put water in it. have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg. baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg.
works for me. bye bye ocean
50 million years later
and now everything’s huge. including bugs.
wanna see a map of the land? sure.
Permian extinction
oh, fuck, now everything’s dead.
just kidding, here are the survivors. keep your eye on this one, because it’s about to become
75 million years later
the dinosaurs.
here’s another map of the land. yeah, it broke apart. don’t worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor.
meteor strikes
and the dinosaurs are gone
it’s mammal time, here come the mammals. look at those breasts.
now they’re gonna dominate the world, but one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like that. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks.
“ouch”
and set things on fire.
“yeouch”
and make crazy sounds with their voice:
“gneurshk”
which can mean different things.
that’s a human person!
and now they’re everywhere. almost.
ice age!
what? you can walk over here? cool.
not anymore
well i guess we’re stuck here now.
let’s review: there’s people on the planet. and they’re chasing their food.
fuck it. time to plant some grass.
look at this. i get to control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let’s all build houses, except mine is bigger because i own the food.
this is great! i wonder if anyone else is doing this.
tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it’s underground.
better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping.
guess what happens next?
more food. and more people, who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses and now there’s more people and they invent things which makes things better and more people come and there’s more farming and more people to make more things for more people and now there’s business, money, writing, laws, power,
Society
coming soon to a dank river valley near you.
meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed.
why is all my metal so lame and lumpy?
tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing: bronze. made from special ingredient tin from the far lands of Tin Land. i dunno, my dealer won’t tell me where he gets it. also, guess what?
egypt
meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we’re getting somewhere. also,
china
and did i mention
indus river valley civilization
society count: 5

norte chico
the middle east is getting more complicated. maybe because it’s in the middle of the east.
knock knock, er, clop clop. it’s the… people with the horses? and they made an empire. and then everyone else copied their horses.
greeks!
ah look, it must be the greeks! er, a beta version of the greeks.
let’s check in with the indus river valley civilization: they’re gone. guess who’s not gone? china.
new arrivals from india… maybe it’s those horse people i was talking about… or their cousins or something…
and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff…
you could make a religion out of this.
there’s the bronze age collapse.
now the phoenicians can get down to business
also, can we switch to a metal that’s a little easier to find? thanks.
look who came back to israel, it’s the twelve tribes of israel.
and they believe in God
just one though, and he’s got like a ten-step program.
here’s some huge heads. must be the olmecs.
the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies.
here comes the assyrian empire. never mind, it’s the babyloni— media—
it’s the Persian Empire: “wow, that’s big”
enlightenment
ah, the buddha was just enlightened. who’s the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we’re all dying. you could make a religion out of this.
oops, china just broke. but while it was breaking, confucius was figuring out how to have good morals.
enlightenment
ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff.
and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it’s a great idea. he was… great. and now he’s dead. hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them.
knock knock, it’s chandragupta. he says “get the hell out of here. will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? okay, thanks, bye”
time to conquer all of india
er
most of india
but what about this part? that’s the tamil kings. no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably. and they’ve gotspices!
who would like to buy the spices? “me!” said the arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world.
hey, china put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy. actually, they have three main philosophies:
confucianism: have good morals
taoism: go with the flow
legalism: fuck you, obey the law
out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city.
nomads ransack china
let’s check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms: greekification overload.bye, said the parthians. bye, said the jews. hi, said the parthians, taking over the entire place.
heyyyyy, said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. “thanks for invading our homeland,” said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland.
“hi, everything’s great,” said some guy who seems to be getting very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which actually makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this.
want silk? now you can buy it from china. they just made a brand new road to the world.
conquers vietnam
or you can get there on water
“sick! new trade routes!” said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast.
hmm, that’s a good place for an epic trading kingdom.
there goes buddhism, travelling up the silk road. i wonder if it’ll reach china before it collapses again.
remember the persian empire? yep, said the persians, making a new one.
axum is getting so powerful, they would like to build a long stick.
has anyone populated madagascar yet? let’s do it together.
china is whole again…
…then it broke again
still can’t cross the sahara desert? try camels.
“hell yeah! now we’ve got business,” said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold. and slaves.
“hi, i’m a member of the roman empire, and i was wondering
is loving jesus legal yet?”
“no”
“actually, okay sure,” said constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his main rival. don’t worry about rome, it won’t fall.
it’s the golden age of india
there’s the gupta empire, not chandragupta, just gupta. first name chandra. the first.
guess who’s in rome? barbarians. what’s a barbarian? “non-romans,” said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. actually just half of it, the other half is just fine, but it’s not in rome anymore, so let’s give it a new name.
the mayans have figured out the stars
oh, and here’s a huge city, population: everyone.
the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks.
how’s india? broken. how’s china? back together.
how’s those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there’s more of them.
korea has three kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it’s the sunrise kingdom.
intermission
deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammad’s ear. so, he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this, and maybe conquer the world as well.
the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus, there’s new kingdoms all over europe. i wonder if there’s room for moors.
here’s all the wisdom. in a house. it’s the baghdad house of wisdom! just in time for the islamic golden age!
“let’s bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast,” said the swahili on the swahili coast.
remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now.
wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere?
the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. “surprise! you’re the new roman emporer!” said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not-france.
the northerners, er, just “norse” if you don’t have much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north. and they find some land— two types of land!— and they name them accordingly.
prankd
they also invade some other places and get called many names, such as “vikings.”
there’s the rus! the kievan rus! are they vikings? “i don’t think so,” said the kievan rus. okay, fair enough.
the pope is ready to make some more emperors of the roman empire. the holy roman empire! it’s actually germany, but don’t worry about it. new kingdoms—
CRISTIANIZE ALL THE KINGDOMS!!
which brand would you like?
“mine’s better”
“mine’s better”
“mine’s better”
“time to conquer england,” said william.
it’s a bird! it’s a plane! it’s the seljuk turks!
“aah!” said the byzantine empire, who’s getting so small and almost doesn’t exist anymore. “we need help!” they need help! so they call the pope.
“hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you want to take back the holy land.”
“yes, i do actually want to do that. let’s do a crusade.”
crusade!
they did many crusades. some of which almost didn’t fail. but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals.
goodbye mayans. hello toltecs! goodbye toltecs. hello mississippi! look at those mounds.
there’s the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff.
guess who’s here? khmer. where? here! and pagan is there. vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government.
china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis! i bet that will last a long time.
some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india.
is it tonga time? i think it’s tonga time.
i just figured out where the swahili gets all of their gold.
look at this chad! it means “lake.” there’s an empire there! right in the middle of africa!
the king of mali is so rich, he’s going on tour to let everyone know. “wow, that guy’s rich,” everyone said.
the christians are doing a great job reconquering iberia, which will soon be called spain and not-spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you’re still christian when you least expect.
whoops, half of europe just died.
ming! china’s back, yay!
hey, khmer. time to share. new kingdoms, here and there.
oh, look who controls all of the islands. it’s the mahajapit.
majahapit.
mapajahit.
mahapajit.
mapajahit.
ma-ja-pa-hit?
oh, italy’s real rich. time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it’s kinda like a rebirth.
here’s a printer. let’s make books!
so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? yep, said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. oops, you missed a spot. don’t forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade.
“what? that’s bullshit,” said portugal, spiceless.
“well i guess we’ll have to find another way to india”
“wait!” said christopher columbus, probably smoking crack. “if the world is round, let’s go this way to india.”
“nah, don’t worry, we already got this,” said portugal.
so chris goes to spain. “hey spain, wanna hire me to find india by going around back of the world?”
“no”
“please?”
“no”
“please?”
“wtf”
“no”
“please?”
“…okay”
so he sails into the ocean, and discovers… more ocean. and then discovers the indies, and japan! let’s draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world.
the aztec and the inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent.
the hapsburgs are marrying into so many royal families, they might have to start marrying each other.
move over, lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again.
move over, timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again.
let’s make it the other kind of islam. the one where we thought the first guy should’ve been the other guy.
hey, christians! do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell!
“that’s bullshit. this whole thing is bullshit. that’s a scam. fuck the church. here’s 95 reasons why,” said martin luther, in his new book which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation.
“you know what would be magnificent?” said suleiman wearing an onion hat. “what if the ottoman empire was… really big?” which it is now.
“what if russia was big?” said ivan, trying not to be terrible.
portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade. and then that dream was real.
and spain realized that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. “damn,” said england and france. “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” then the dutch revolt, and all the hipsters moved to amsterdam. “damn,” said amsterdam. “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.”
question one: can you get to india from north america? no, but at least there’s beaver.
question two: steal the spice trade. that’s not a question, but the dutch did it anyway.
and sugar… guess where all of the sugar is made? in brazil! stolen! in the caribbean! and it’s so goddamn profitable, you might forget to not do slavery.
the next thing on russia’s to-do list is to get bigger.
britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world. more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven-year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who’s boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who’s boss? yes they did! it’s britain.
guess who’s broke? also britain! so they start taxing the hell out of america. “fuck you!” says america, declaring their independence and fighting for it, and france helps them win. now france is broke, and britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent.
wait, if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses?
“let’s overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!” said robespierre, cutting everybody’s heads off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off.
you could make a rel— no, don’t.
haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. “why didn’t we think of this before?”
wait, who’s in charge of france now? “me,” said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back!luckily, they banished him to another island.
there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin american wars of independence.
britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast. then they invent some trains. and conquer india and maybe put some trains there.
“hey, china!” said britain. “buy stuff from us!” “nah, dude, we already got everything,” says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked, actually. but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island.
britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop the other person from conquering afghanistan.
also, the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now:“that’s just where he lives.”
india just had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. “nope,” said britain, governing them even harder than before.
incoming telegram: HI I JUST SENT YOU A MESSAGE THRU A WIRE
technology is about to go crazy!
the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. it’s bad, they decided, and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the mexicans too.
“i know! let’s rape africa!” said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. they never got ethiopia…
britain and france are still hungry. they never got thailand…
the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they’re looking for more:
hawaii!
cuba!
wait, spain controls cuba.
well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on spain?
u.s.s. maine sinks
“let’s blame the maine on spain.”
so they blame the maine on spain.
now we’re in business.
to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans.
britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go…
china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and is controlled by a guy from the previous government.
europe hasn’t had a war since the last war, so they start world war one. look at those guns! it’s gonna be a great war, so great we won’t need a second one. after it’s over, they blame germany.
russia went on strike, and the workers overthrew the government. now, everyone’s paycheck is the same. communism in the soviet union…
the arabs revolt and britain helps. now the ottoman empire is gone, so we can give the jewish people a place to live. hopefully the arabs won’t mind.
“let’s cut the cake!” said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore-empire.
except turkey! turkey makes a brand new turkey!
and then the saudis conquer arabia. it just seemed like the right thing to do.
phone rings
hello? yes, it’s the 1920’s calling. let’s get to a car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy is great and it will probably be great forever. just kidding.
germany’s back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model, and he’s mad at the jews for existing.
japan is finally conquering the east, and they’re so excited, they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it.
hitler’s out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all of the jews is a bad idea. but he kills himself because they could explain it to him. that’s world war two!
bonus round! pacific showdown
united states vs. japan
FIGHT!!
united states drops two extinction balls on japan
FINISH HIM!
let’s unite all the nations and have some world peace! seems legit.
“hi, im gandhi, and if britain doesn’t get the hell out of india, i’m going to starve myself in public.”
britain leaves
“wow, that worked?”
bonus! now there’s pakistan. actually two pakistans, one of them can be bangladesh later.
the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. “me!” they both said at the same time. let’s divide up the lands so we’re both happy. SIKE! they both get angrier!
look out, china! there’s a new china in china. what’s on the menu? communism! no thanks, said the other china, escaping to an island. i wonder which one is the real china…?
there’s the korean war. korea versus korea! nobody wins, then its on pause forever.
let’s meet the sponsors. oh, it’s the two global superpowers. they’re having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which one is an evil virus of satan. and they both have atom bombs. FIGHT!! wait, no, that would be the end of the world. let’s just keep it cool and spy on each other instead. and make sure we have enough atom bombs.
“i’ll race you to space.”
united states plants a flag on the moon
now let’s make more countries fight themselves.
europe is tired of pillaging other continents, and the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. so here’s a new map with new countries. now you can’t tell who they’re being pillaged by.
the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it’s bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it.
let’s check the world population!
woah. okay.
technology is better too, that might keep happening.
the soviet union decides to relax a little, and accidentally falls apart.
europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money. except britain, because they don’t feel like it.
let’s check the mail… surprise! it’s on the computer!
whoops, someone just attacked america. i bet they’ll remember that.
phone call! surprise! it’s in your pocket! wanna learn everything? surprise! it’s on the computer! now your phone’s a computer, which is in your pocket!
whoops, the economy just crashed. don’t worry, the big banks won’t fail, because they’re not supposed to.
surprise!… flying robots. with bombs.
wanna print a brain?
some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming, and the ocean is full of plastic!
“let’s save the planet!” said everybody, not knowing how.
“let’s invent a thing inventor,” said the thing inventor inventor after being invented by a thing inventor. that’s pretty cool.
by the way, where the hell are we?
thanks for watching history
i hope i mentioned everything
psychic: what the fuck

Fairies First

PAIRING: Harry/Y/N
RATING: R (it’s smutty!)
WORD COUNT: 5.7k
REQUESTED: sorta lol

hello, tis i with yet another domestic, smutty one shot!!! i rly hope u guys like this :-) if u enjoy it, please dont hesitate to reblog or to let me know what u think! [feedback] [masterlist]

~*~

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2

Went so well with each other. 🖤

You looked at yourself in the mirror, taken aback by how you’d finally managed to get here. Marrying your best friend was all you’d ever wanted, and Eggsy made everything so easy, there weren’t any nerves, this was what you both wanted and you were getting impatient now.
“How long?” You ask Roxy, your bridesmaid.
“Just 10 more minutes!” She smiles excitedly, “I’m going to check on Eggsy, make sure he’s not leaving everything to the last minute.”
“Good idea! Thank you, Rox. You’re the best,” you say as she slips out of the room. You turn back to the mirror and sigh happily, then start pacing the room a little, trying to make time go faster. There’s a knock at your door and you call out to ask who it is, but there’s no answer, so you open it carefully, aware that this place is full of Kingsman agents, including yourself, and you never know who might have found out about the wedding today. No one’s there, but as you look down you spot a bunch of flowers, so pick them up and take them inside. You place them on the table and smile, then lean in to take a sniff of the floral scent. That’s when you see it, a second too late, a small device inside one of the flowers that goes off as you lean into them, emitting a gas that knocks you out cold.

“Where is she? Rox, where the fuck is she?! This ain’t a fuckin’ joke!” Eggsy shouts, barging past Roxy into the room you’d just been in.
“I… I don’t know Eggs, she was here 5 minutes ago, honest!” She says, eyes going wide and looking for anything that could indicate what happened to you.
“Get Merlin!” Eggsy shouts, rooting through your bag, looking for your phone and purse. Roxy runs out of the room to get Merlin and they rush back to your room.
“What’s the situation?” Merlin asks calmly.
“She’s gone! She’s fuckin’ gone Merlin!” Eggsy shouts through tears.
“Anything here that can help us?” He asks.
“Her phone’s gone, money’s still here…”
“They weren’t here before,” Roxy interrupts, looking at the flowers. Eggsy is first across the room and spots the small device hidden in the flowers.
“She’s been taken,” he says, showing Merlin what he found.
“I’ll be right back,” Merlin says, going off to get his laptop.
“She’s never been in the field, I thought she was safe behind her computer. Now on our wedding day she’s been taken, I can’t believe it,” Eggsy says sadly, running his hands through his hair in annoyance.
“We’ll get her back,” Roxy comforts, “I promise.” Suddenly, Eggsy’s phone rings and he scrambles in his pocket to get it.
“It’s (Y/N)!” He says, fumbling to answer it, “(Y/N), where are you? Are you okay?”
“Gary, I’m sorry, I… I can’t… can’t go through with this,” you say between sobs.
“I love you, we can make this work,” Eggsy replies, putting you on loud speaker for Roxy to hear.
“We can’t… Gary, I love you too, but… I can’t do this. I’m sorry, Gary,” you cry, then the phone goes dead.
“It’s fuckin’ him,” Eggsy seethes, realising it’s your ex boyfriend, who was mentally and physically abusive towards you. For so many nights Eggsy held you as you cried from your nightmares of him, only recently settling down and able to sleep through the night without one.
“How do you know?” Roxy asks.
“She called me Gary. When does anyone call me Gary?”
“Good point. Lets find Merlin,” she replies, heading out of the door. Merlin’s set up in the reception room, having told everyone waiting that normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.
“Merlin, it’s him,” Eggsy says, holding his phone up, “she rang and called me Gary. Remember when I told you about him? The fuckin’ piece of shit. Have you got the phone trace?”
“Oh I remember, Eggs. Nasty man. Right, I’ve got it, she’s in a barn the next farm over as far as I can see,” he explains. Eggsy and Roxy look at each, nod, and grab their weapons, heading outside and across the fields to the farm next to the Manor House estate you’d chosen for your wedding. As they approach the barn, the sounds of an engine running emanate from it. Roxy takes the back, Eggsy takes the front entrance, both bursting through the doors at the same time. Eggsy looks inside the car that’s running to find you knocked out in the front seat, blood dripping from your head, hands tied in front of you. He immediately climbs in beside you, not checking his surroundings, then tilts your head up to look at him.
“(Y/N), babe, please open your eyes, baby, please. We’ve gotta get married. You ain’t getting out of it this easy,” he says, trying to make a joke as tears escape his eyes at the sight of you. Slowly, your eyes open, just enough to see your ex behind Eggsy, pointing what you assume to be a gun at his head, although you can’t be sure through your blurry vision. You reach your hands up to Eggsy’s jacket, knowing where he kept a spare gun, reaching slowly inside to get it, then mouthing ‘duck’ to him. He does as you say and dives down, head hitting your lap as you fire the gun above him. Eggsy immediately gets up after your arms slump down and your head rolls back as you faint. He looks down on the ground outside of the car and sees the body, then turns his attention back to you, opening the door on your side and running round to get you out and untie you.
“Rox! I’ve got her!” Eggsy shouts, Roxy running to your side to help. Merlin appears with your in-house medical team and they see to your injuries as Eggsy and Roxy stand next to Merlin.
“Well done guys,” he says, a small smile appearing on his face.
“It was her, it was all her,” Eggsy says, his eyes not leaving your body as the team check you over. Merlin and Roxy deal with the body and clean up as Eggsy stays rooted to the spot, then he sees you being sat up and talking to the paramedics. They leave soon after, you sat on the floor in your now dirty wedding dress, cuts to your face and rope burns to your wrists, drinking a bottle of water.
“So, fancy getting married?” Eggsy says as he slides over to you on his knees, wrapping his arms around you and bringing your body into his protectively.
“Yes please,” you chuckle. He helps you up and you all head back to the venue, Roxy helps you apply layers of make up to hide the cuts on your face and ties cute ribbon bows around your wrists to cover up the rope marks, then the ceremony finally begins.
“Fuck,” Eggsy exhales as he sees you coming up the aisle towards him.
“Keep your language in check, Eggsy, her parents are right there,” Merlin advises, nodding towards your parents sitting in the front row. Eggsy nods and smiles at Merlin as you reach them, Eggsy taking your hand when you stop next to him.
“You look amazing,” he whispers in your ear. Luckily Roxy found you a replacement dress, you had no idea how but she was a life saver.
“So do you,” you whisper back. You say your vows and finally it’s the moment you’d both been waiting for.
“And now you may kiss the bride.”
Eggsy looks at you, that cheeky smile you’d fell in love with years ago plastered across his face as he finally got to show everyone in the room how much loved you. He leans you back, then goes in for the kiss as you squeal and throw your arms around his neck, trying not to lose your balance. He helps you up afterwards and you finally walk back down the aisle as husband and wife.
“You okay?” He asks, concerned, as you step out of the room and into the quiet corridor.
“I’m fantastic,” you smile, his fingers interlinked with yours.
“I mean, really, are you okay babe? Don’t forget I know what’s hiding under that make up, are you feeling alright?”
“I’m in pain, but I’m with you, so I couldn’t care less,” you say, looking up at his worried face. He looks down at your hands and peeks underneath the ribbon neatly tied on your wrist, kissing the mark underneath it and covering it back up again.
“I’ll never let anything happen to you ever again,” he sighs, placing a hand softly on your cheek and bringing you towards him, kissing you passionately. You lean back after a while as you feel wetness on your cheek and you see a small tear falling down his face.
“Hey, stop that. Look at me, I’m fine!” You reassure him, resting your forehead on his and wiping the tears away.
“What did he do to you, (Y/N)?”
“Now is not the time for this Eggsy. Please, lets just enjoy the rest of our wedding day and be around the friends and family we love,” you smile sadly, knowing this would play on his mind.
“Will you tell me?”
“I will, darling, just not today,” you whisper, kissing him and throwing both your arms around his neck to pull him down to you. He grabs your waist tightly and even when you lean back, doesn’t let go of you until you unhook his hands from behind you and interlink your fingers again to walk into the reception room.

happy super belated birthday to the beautiful @spookydownworld 💗 i love you and i hope you had a great birthday, and thank you for being an amazing friend. i hope you like this!

READ ON AO3

It was fairly unusual to see this many kids running around the Institute.

Alec always enjoyed giving the annual tours to the soon to be Shadowhunters. The kids were around the age when they really began training to be a Shadowhunters, rather than learning history or English, so the tours were created to get them excited for their future.

By the looks of it, every kid in the group today was thrilled.

Keep reading

3

after you got finished with texting jungkook, you pulled into the local supermarket parking lot and got out of your car. you already knew what you needed so, this trip should be quick.

you grabbed a shopping cart and walked straight to the baking area , grabbing about three boxes of cupcake mix and three different types of icing.

“hey, you’re that famous boy’s wife!” you turned around after hearing the voice of an older woman.

you slowly turned around and put a smile on your face. “well, my husband is…an idol yes.”

“he’s jeongguk from bts right?! i never thought that he’d end up with someone like you. my grand-”

“look, are you just gonna insult me? because if you’re planning on doing that, i’ll just go now.” you cut her off but kept a calm tone of voice.

“oh no no! you’re beautiful, i just thought that he’d marry a woman of his own race. but it’s okay, you two make a great couple and your daughter is so beautiful!” she reassured you.

you bowed slightly. “thank you and sorry for the misunderstanding. it’s just…people insult me all of the time. it’s a shame that they can’t see past the color of my skin-.”

before you could say anything else, she pulled you into a hug. it made you smile since it was your first time in a while receiving a hug and positive comments from an ahjumma.

“you’re too pretty to stress over these ignorant people. they’re too stuck in their traditional ways.” she paused and fanned herself. “ah those people, they’re so old and mean i’m so sorry.”

she literally looked like she was shopping for her last meal. she had a good soul though.

“alright, i should get going. it was nice talking to you.” you bowed again and proceeded to walk away until the lady grabbed your arm.

“you’re baking aren’t you?“she asked you in which you nodded in response.

she looked into your basket and took the mixes and icings out. “you can’t use these, they suck.” she lightly chuckled.

“i have so many grandchildren, they love this kind! they always fight over my bakings even when it’s enough! those kids..” she smiled, while thinking about her grandkids.

you watched her as she grabbed replacements from a more expensive brand. it didn’t even bother you since you were always going for the cheaper things. you never had a budget but you always acted as if you did.

“here you go.” she tossed a container of sprinkles in your basket. “your daughter will love those. take care.” she said before patting your back and walking away to another aisle.

“you too..”

🍜

you drove home happily after your small encounter with the ahjumma at the supermarket.

jungkook was standing outside, waiting for you just like you had asked him to. you lied to him and told him that you had got extra things and that there was a bunch of bags ; so you’d need help getting them out of the car.

that wasn’t the case though. you only had two bags sitting in the passenger seat.

you had figured that if he was busy getting the bags, you could get into the house before he could. one time, the kitchen and hallway was in a complete mess and he tried stalling you until yuri could clear it out but you caught them.

that time, you didn’t tell them when you were coming but this time, you showed a little mercy.

“baby! baby! kiss! kiss!” kookie came running up to you with puckered lips. he wrapped his arms around you and pulled your face to his, pressing his lips against yours.

you pulled your face away and scrunched your eyebrows. “you think i’m stupid huh? let me go.”

“no i don’t think that. can i just kiss my woman?” he nervously followed behind you after grabbing the bags from the car.

you couldn’t see him, but he did a small prayer ; hoping that when you two walked into the house, it would be clean.

well, he must’ve been out of luck or prayed too late because when you two stepped inside, yuri was stopped in her tracks, holding a blanket and bowl of mixed candies (there were some scattered acrosed the floor too). another blanket was somehow hanging from the ceiling fan and a bunch of dolls were everywhere.

“yuri-yah..” kookie sighed as he dropped the bags and face palmed himself.

you shook your head, turning around to face him. “you can’t be serious kookie i told you to have this house clean. you’re a grown man you know? you should know better. i’m dissa-”

“it was my idea mommy. so it’s my fault right? punish me instead of daddy.” yuri stepped in front of you and tugged on your shirt.

you looked down into her eyes, they held too much of an innocence ; you couldn’t do anything to her even if you wanted to.

“no one’s getting punished. i just want to know why daddy thinks that it’s okay to have a dirty house.” you looked back up at your tool of a husband, waiting for an answer.

“we we’re cleaning up what are you talking about?” he looked down at yuri. “why are adults like this? always nagging..”

you rolled your eyes and walked away when yuri laughed. “whatever.”

“mommy! you’re baking!” yuri shouted when she noticed the two bags on the floor.

“no, i’m returning those.” you lied.

as expected yuri and your husband that couldn’t accept that he was grown came running up to you with sadness written all over their faces.

“is this about what i said earlier? you can bake baby you’re the best baker there is even if you burn every batch of cupcakes you make i still eat them because they’re delicious!” kookie said without taking a breath.

“even if your cupcakes are usually rock hard i eat them because they’re delicious and i need strong teeth anyways!” yuri added.

you giggled a little even if they were coming for you and your baking. “i’ll think about baking today if this living room gets cleaned. what were y'all doing anyways?”

“we made a big fort and played with my dolls. we ate sweets too!” yuri responded, she was happy to tell you what she and jungkook did. “oh and daddy has a good girl voice.”

“i bet it was his cringey aegyo voice.” you laughed at yourself, just thinking about his aegyo made you feel weird.

“i’ll have you know that my aegyo voice is the shit!” he walked away after he realized that he had just cursed in the process of defending himself.

“the shit?” yuri shouted as she chased after him.

“yuri! don’t say that! it’s a bad word!” you told her in a serious tone but inside you were dying at her pronunciation.

she put her hands over her mouth and looked down. kookie noticed this and picked her up. “it’s okay, it was my fault for saying that around you. let’s clean up alright?”

“okay.” she wiggled out of his arms and started to pick up candies from the floor. kookie followed.

you watched them for a few seconds before pulling the contents of the bags out and placing them on the counter.

“we’re gonna die..” you overheard them say to each other.

“shut up!”

🍜

honestly how can you deal w/ them?

Surprise

Request: Can I request an imagine where the reader is two years younger than Shawn (they’re dating but the fans don’t know it) and is worried that his fans are gonna hate on her but they actually end up loving her?


It seemed so easy at first. Well, a year ago it did, but everyday it got harder and harder, as if it were slowly ripping at the seams. As Shawn’s name got bigger, so did the risk of the blanket hiding your relationship being torn away. You both were private people. Shawn sometimes got nervous bringing his family into the light on occasion, so he couldn’t imagine how the media would treat you. He wanted to keep you safe. He didn’t want to ruin your normalcy just because his didn’t exist anymore. And you had no idea how the fans would take it either. The hate that hypothetically could fill your notifications didn’t settle at all with you, for Shawn especially. So you two kept it under wraps. You didn’t follow each other on social media, you guys snuck around to get where the other person was, you two definitely didn’t go out in public. The world didn’t have a clue.

Shawn was in the midst of writing his third album. He was able to finally settle down back at home and not have to worry about jet lag or whether he’s getting enough vocal rest for a show every night. And you were on summer break, so no more exams or assignments that you had to keep track of. Saying you were happy would be an absolute understatement, it allowed the two of you to spend more time together. 

“Hey, how was the studio?” you asked, looking up from the book you were reading as Shawn walked into the bedroom. When he was back home, you practically lived in his condo. He slowly walked over and gently laid himself on top of you, snuggling into your neck.

“It went really well. I finished a song today, but when I was driving home I saw this new frozen yogurt place. We should go try it out later.” You sighed and looked down at him. 

“Baby, you know we can’t. It’s too risky.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. Everything is too risky,” Shawn mumbled. Hearing his tone made you frown. 

“Is everything okay?” He propped himself up, making eye contact with you. Just by looking into his eyes, you knew something was bothering him. “Be honest with me.”

He ran a hand threw his hair, letting out a deep breath. “I’m tired of this.” The simple statement automatically made you drop your book and sit up. 

“Tired of what?”

“The never getting to go out on dates. Always saying no whenever I get asked if I’m dating anyone during interviews. Staying inside. At first I thought it was the best option and it was, a year ago, but I can’t hold it in any longer.” You could feel your whole body freeze. Taking it in, your head moved down to face your lap. 

“I don’t know, Shawn.” He took your head in the palm of both of his hands, moving it up so your gaze met his. 

“I want to be able to hold hands with you in public. I want to take you out to whatever restauraunt we feel like eating at. I want to take you on tour with me. I just want to love you in front of everyone so they know that you’re mine and that I’m yours,” he pleaded. “It’s killing me knowing that I have to hide it. I shouldn’t have to.”

You took his hand into yours, lacing them together. “It’s killing me too,” you hesitated. “What if the fans don’t like me? They’ll probably say that I’m too young or how I’m using you for money.”

“Babe, you’re only two years younger than me, and who cares if they don’t like us. I love you, and if they can’t realize that, they’re gonna have to deal with it for the rest of their lives because I’m marrying you in the future whether they like it or not.” A smile broke out on your face and a million butterflies filled your body. 

“You want to marry me?” Shawn chuckled and rolled over so you were laying on top of him. 

“Of course. Why wouldn’t I?” You leaned into his chest as he wrapped his arms around you. “(Y/N) Mendes. Rolls right off the tongue. I know we’re way too young, but when the time comes.”

“When the time comes,” you repeated, grinning. “We have to tell everyone first then.” Shawn’s eyes widened in surprise. 

“You want to?” 

“Well, I want to marry you in a couple of years, so we’re gonna have to.”


The two of you were making breakfast in the kitchen the next morning, but you didn’t notice Shawn slip out of the kitchen to go grab his phone from the charger in the living room. With shaky hands, he tapped on the Instagram icon and pushed the button to go on live. Immediately, thousands of people poured in to watch. Now that it was happening he started to get nervous. He couldn’t predict how people would react.

“Hey guys. I hope you’re doing well. I’ve been writing a lot lately. Maybe I’ll give you guys a sample later,” Shawn smiled, knowing a bunch of people were probably screenshotting or recording the whole thing.

“But I have something else.” As if on cue, you called out to him, making his smile grow. 

“Uh, babe? I think the bacon is ready and I really don’t trust myself with hot oil,” you half shrieked, half laughed as the popping sounds of the bacon filled the kitchen. 

Babe?

Was that a female voice?

Shawn walked into the kitchen and set his phone down, helping you take the bacon off of the pan. Glancing at the screen, you saw how much it was blowing up, but your heart raced when you noticed the red box saying “live” at the top. Looking back at you, Shawn’s eyes immediately softened when he followed yours. 

“Are you ready?” he asked, pulling you into his arms. “I can end it. We can do it another day. I’m not going to rush you.”

“It’s okay. Let’s do it.” Taking your hand into his, he led you to the living room and sat down, pulling you onto his lap. His arm automatically wrapped around your waist, the other holding the phone up. 

“It’s time you guys know.” He then propped his phone up on the coffee table, letting you into the camera’s view. “This is my girlfriend, (Y/N)! We’ve been dating for a while, but we decided to keep it private until now. Trust me, she’s the greatest.” You were too nervous to look at all the comments, so you kept your eyes on Shawn. His words making you smile.

She’s adorable.

About time, Mendes. 

Aw, you guys are cute!!

“Hi everyone,” you shyly said, only making heat rise in your cheeks. The comments were overflowing with support. It made all the butterflies in your stomach multiply as you read all of them. After warming up to the camera a bit, you started to talk a little more.  

“Does Shawn snore? Eh, sometimes. It honestly depends, but when he does, it’s always in my ear,” you chuckled. 

“Oh yeah? This one over here talks in her sleep occasionally. One night, she was planning a whole murder. It was terrifying,” he said into the camera. Your head flew back as you laughed. “What’s scary is she doesn’t even remember all of it.” He looked at you giggling. 

Eventually, the live stream ended and you let out a huge breath. Shawn grinned at you, kissing your forehead. “See? They loved you. And now that everyone knows, we can go to that fro-yo place. I can even hold your hand while we wait in line,” he happily said, nuzzling his head into your neck. You hummed in content. 

“We gotta eat the bacon that almost killed me first,” you added, standing up. 

Groaning, Shawn followed you into the kitchen. “Frozen yogurt is better.”

We Are Family Too

Summary: Leo is one year old today and Anne and Gemma have come to celebrate, which means you’ll finally be meeting them in person. It can go two ways, they realize you’re not good enough for their boys or they think you’re perfect for them. You hoped it was the second option. Part four the the Little Lion Series.

Warnings: I love fluff

Requested: Yes. I’m so glad you guys like this AU. 

Leo is one, you and Harry have been together for eight months. Read part one of little lion series here, part two here and part three here


You run your hands over your dress self-consciously, today was the day you would meet Anne and Gemma in person. The three of you had talked before, there had been texts and phone calls throughout the past eight months of your relationship with Harry, but you knew this would be what sticks.  

“Stop worrying.” Harry wraps his arms around you from behind and presses a kiss to your forehead. “They already like you.”

“But we’ve only talked on phone before, this is in person! This is gonna be their true first impression of me.” You turn in Harry’s arms and wrap your arms around his waist. 

Harry opens his mouth to respond but is interrupted by a knock on the door, “That’s them.” You take a deep breath before going to open the door but somebody calls your name. “Go, I’ll get the door.” He shoos you away, laughing as he opens the door. 

“Mum.” Harry smiles as he pulls Gemma and Anne into a hug. “Gemma. I’ve missed you both so much.” He gives them each a kiss on the cheek. 

“Where’s my grandson?” Anne asks, all but shoving Harry aside after their hello’s. Harry rolls his eyes and shuts the door behind them leading them further into the house. 

“And her future daughter-in-law.” Gemma smirks as Harry blushes. He leads them towards the backyard, where a little zoo themed party had been set up for Leo’s first birthday. You and Harry had invited some of your friends from the variety of small classes you had done, Harry’s old friends, and Harry’s sister and mom. 

You’re talking to a few of the parent’s from the baby gymnastics class Harry had forced the three of you to take, “She says she hated that gymnastics class, but I know she loved watching Leo tumble around.” Harry shakes his head as the three of them make their way towards you.  

You’re telling an animated story about how Leo got his nickname, Little Lion, when Harry wraps an arm around your waist. “It was the cutest thing in the-” You cut yourself off, “I’ll tell you guys the rest later.” They nod and disperse to the activities set up for other kids and you turn to Anne and Gemma. “It’s so nice to finally meet you in person.” 

You hand Leo to Harry and go to shake their hands, but Anne pulls you into a hug. “Oh, no need for the formalities.” You laugh and hug her back, feeling relief flood through you.

You turn to Gemma unsure if she’ll be as comfortable with a hug as her mother was, “I don’t want to feel left out.” She smiles and you hug her as well.

“I forgot the Styles were a touchy bunch.” You laugh softly at Harry, who rolls his eyes. Gemma shakes her head and takes Leo from Harry’s arms, “I don’t want to know if there’s any second meaning to that.”

“Gem!” Harry’s cheeks flush as Anne and Gemma laugh, you look down at your feet with matching red cheeks.

“Oh relax Harry,” Anne smiles at your red cheeks, “You have a baby, we all know you’re no saint.” She tickles Leo’s leg, smiling when he giggles. 

The four of you laugh at Leo, who is looking around without a care in the world probably not grasping the meaning of Anne’s words. She takes him from Gemma and begins rocking him in her arms as the four of you chat idly.

One of Harry’s friends call his name, cutting all of you off from your conversation,  “I’ll be right back.” He presses a kiss to your head before jogging to where Liam is standing, his baby in his arms. 

You shake your head fondly before turning back to Anne and Gemma, “Did you pick out their outfits?” Anne nods to Harry’s leopard print shirt before playing with a button on Leo’s mini zookeeper outfit. 

You look down at your dress, little giraffes placed all over it before nodding. “Harry is the leopard, I’m the giraffe and Leo is the zookeeper.” 

“That’s just the cutest thing ever!” She laughs and you smile proudly. “I also heard about the matching outfit to dinner with your parents, such a cute idea.” 

“I have pictures!” You exclaim, pulling your phone out of the pocket in your dress, “They looked so handsome.” You smile proudly as you show the two women the pictures. Gemma watches your face from the corner of her eye, noting the look of pure adoration while you show them Harry and Leo. 

“I have a few more!” You exclaim happily, exiting the few pictures you had shown and going to your photo albums. Anne notices the title of the one you click on is ‘My Boys’ and she smiles to herself, you really did love these boys. “Harry is so good, he goes along with it whenever I bring home outfits for them to wear.” 

They laugh as you scroll through pictures of the two, “Embarrassing me to my own family?” Harry places a hand on your hip as you laugh. “Just showing them a few pictures of my favorite boys.” You smile sweetly and he rolls his eyes, but all three of you see the small smile he’s acquired.  

You notice the sun beginning to show signs of setting and sigh, “I’m gonna take Leo to play a few of the games set up before it gets dark and we have to go inside, also give you guys time to catch up.” You gently take Leo from Anne’s arms and leave the three Styles to themselves.  

Harry watches as you walk away fondly, before noticing the women staring at him accusingly, “What?” He mutters defensively looking away from you. Anne and Gemma look at each other shrugging before turning back to him, “We love her.” 

Harry looks down his hands smiling to himself before looking back at them. He hadn’t brought a girl home since before Leo was born, and he wouldn’t admit it to you but he was just as nervous about it as you had been. “Really?” He asks softly, he doesn’t doubt you left a good impression. His mother has just always had high hopes for whoever her baby boy would end up with. 

“She’s amazing. She loves Leo like he was her own. She loves you a lot, and the way you are. Quirky sense of style and all.” Gemma smirks at Harry’s offended huff. “But seriously Harry, she seems like a really good person. I can’t believe you waited eight months to introduce us to her.”

Harry rolls his eyes, “It’s not entirely my fault. It’s difficult to get you guys out to Los Angeles at the same time.” Gemma shakes her head and gives Harry a slap on the back before walking away, muttering something about hitting on one of his hot friends.

Anne rolls her eyes at him, “Doesn’t matter now, I’m very glad you two are together. She’s a very good fit for two of my favorite boys.” She smiles pulling Harry into a hug. Harry kisses her cheek before turning to look at you. You’re playing a game of a ring around the rosie with a group of stumbling toddlers, but you couldn’t look more relaxed. 

“I wanna marry her, mum.” He whispers, the words a shock to himself. Anne looks at him with wide eyes and he begins to stumble over his words. “I mean, when things settle down for us, like she has a steady teaching job and when Leo is a little older. But I- I wanna marry her.“ 

Anne doesn’t say anything at first, just intertwines her hand with his and watches you with him. You’ve fallen down and Leo is crawling on you, you’re laughing as you play with him. “Darling, that sounds amazing.” Harry lets out a sigh of relief. She lets go of his hand, knowing he intends to go play with Leo and you. 

Anne watches as he kneels down and you give each other a quick kiss before both turning to play with Leo. What a beautiful family, she thinks before turning to make her way inside the house.


I went MIA, I had some serious writers block and figured it’s better to give yourself a break than force yourself to write pieces you’re not truly happy with. I hope you guys liked this though, I truly am in love with single dad harry. 

Next part is gonna be a little flashback, to how Leo got his nickname Little Lion.

As always, I hope you have a good day! 

Update - read the next part here

Birth Simulator - Jack Maynard

Requested: Yes

Request: Open

A/N: I loved the request but I changed it up so it wasn’t the reader who was doing it but it was Jack.

Originally posted by jackmaynard-23

Today I was with my boyfriend, Jack, his brother, Conor, and one of his best friends, Joe. Jack and I had been dating for a year now and I was absolutely in love. I was very much friends with all the boys in the Buttercream Squad and they felt like family to me. Joe had asked Jack to do a video with him and Jack happily agreed. So if Joe asked Jack to do a video, that automatically meant that Conor and I would be coming along with him. 

Conor and I were sitting behind the equipment in Joe’s room while Jack and Joe were sitting on the bed. 

“Welcome back to Suggy Surgery!” said Joe, in one of his many funny voices, “So today we are back at it again with the birth simulator! And today we have Jack Maynard.” 

“Hello.” said Jack, waving his hand.

“Are you ready Jack?” asked Joe.

“Yup, Conor even let me borrow his outfit from last time!” Jack pulled out the hospital gown that Conor had used in Joe’s earlier video he did with Conor. All four of us burst out laughing. 

“Did you really keep that Conor?” Joe asked.

“I mean, why wouldn’t I?” said Conor in a funny accent. We all started to laugh again. 

“Okay so we know that Jack probably has some kids out there somewhere.” said Joe.

“Well I’m hoping not in the past year he hasn’t. ” I said. 

“Don’t worry Y/N, I don’t.” said Jack.

“Stop interrupting Y/N!” joked Joe. 

“Okay, okay. I’ll stop.” I surrendered. 

“Anyway, Jack will be answering a series of questions that I asked you guys on Twitter to send in, that are questions that only women or girls would know. So Jack go get changed into you special outfit.” Jack got up and put on the hospital dress on and sat back down. 

“I think that looks great on you Jack.” said Joe.

“Shut up Joe.” said Jack with a frown on his face. 

“Now I am going to hook Jack up to the labor pain simulator and for every time you get a question wrong you will get a contraction.” 

“Shit.” said Jack. 

“Lets get you strapped in. Will you please lift up your dress?” Joe asked, pulling out the contraction device. 

“Oh, Joe. Stop it.” said Jack pretending to blush. Joe took so long trying to strap him into it, both Conor and I had to help.

“Well that took forever.” said Jack. He laid down on a bunch of pillows. 

“Now we are going to test it. If you feel any thing just say.” instructed Joe. He turned the knob. “Can you feel that?” Jack nodded his head no. Joe turned the knob up once more. Jack let out a little squeal. 

“Oh God!” said Jack. 

“First question,” said Joe. “So this comes in from Grace and she says, when does menopause start?” 

“How the fuck am I supposed to know this?” groaned Jack. “Uh, 70?” I burst out laughing. 

“Sorry Jack but that is wrong. Time for the first contraction.” He turned in on, and Jack let out a slight scream of pain. Joe, Conor and I kept on laughing. 

As the game went on, the contractions got worse. Jack got two correct and eight of them wrong. By the end, he had almost lost his voice from all the screaming. He also made Conor and I hold his hands for the last two. It was finally over and we were all just hanging out at Joe’s flat. Joe was starting to edit the video, and Jack and I were lounging on the couch, his arm around my shoulder. Conor had run to go get some Nando’s for us.  Joe would occasionally laugh from watching the video again. 

“You know,” said Jack, “I started to cry from the last one.” 

“You’re such a baby sometimes.” I teased. Jack kissed my temple. 

“We should have a kid sometime.” said Jack. 

“Well, we will have to get married before that happens, and we will definitely be having more than one kid.” I said. 

“Fine, get married and then have kids.” said Jack. “Sounds like a plan.”

We could make a religion out of this....

hi.

you’re on a rock floating in space.

pretty cool, huh?

some of it’s water.

fuck it, actually most of it’s water.

i can’t even get from here to there without buying a boat.

it’s sad.

i’m sad.

i miss you.

how did this happen?

a long time ago, actually never, and also now, nothing is nowhere.

when?

never.

makes sense, right?

like i said, it didn’t happen.

nothing was never anywhere.

that’s why it’s been everywhere.

it’s been so everywhere you don’t need a where.

you don’t even need a when.

that’s how every it gets.

forget this.

i wanna be something.

go somewhere.

do something.

i want things to change.

i want to invent time and space.

and i know it’s possible because everything is here and it probably already happened.

i just don’t know when to start.

and that’s exactly where it started.

whoah, i paused it.

i think there’s a universe now.

what’s it made of?

quarks & stuff

ah, that’s a thing.

in a place.

don’t like it?

try a new place.

at a different time™.

try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger.

and emptier.

but it’s not empty yet.

it’s still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees.

great news!

the quarks are now happily married, in groups of three called a proton or a neutron

and there’s something else flying around too that wants to join in but can’t cause it’s still too

HOT

great news!

the protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other.

and some of them even doubled up.

great news, the electrons have now joined in

congratulations, the world is now a bunch of gas in space.

but it’s getting closer together.

and it’s getting closer together.

and it’s getting closer toge-

it’s a star

new shit just got made!

some stars burn out and die.

bigger stars burn out and die with passion, and make some brand new, way crazier shit.

space dust

which allows newer, more interesting stars to be made, and then die, and explode into

even crazier space dust

so now stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things.

like this ball of flaming rocks for example.

holy shit, we just got hit with another ball of flaming rocks.

and it kind of made a mess.

which is

now the moon

weather update:

it’s raining rocks from outer space.

weather update:

those rocks might have had water inside them, and now there’s hot steam in the sky.

weather update:

cooler temperatures today, and the floor is no longer lava.

weather update:

it’s raining.

severe flooding alert:

the entire world is now an ocean.

volcano alert:

that’s land!

there’slifeintheocean

what?

something’s alive in the ocean

oh cool, like a plant or an animal?

no, a microscopic speck.

it lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever.

oh yeah, and it can do that.

it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself.

so that’s pretty nifty, i would say.

tired of living at the bottom of the ocean?

now you can eat sunlight!

using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food

taste the sun

side effect: now there’s oxygen everywhere and the sky’s blue.

then the earth might have been a snowball for a while, maybe even a couple of times.

it’s a sponge.

it’s a plant.

it’s a worm, and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish.

it’s the Cambrian explosion

“wow, that’s animals and stuff”

but we’re still in the ocean, hey, can we go on land?

no

why?

the sun is a deadly lazer

oh okay.

not anymore, there’s a blanket

now the animals can go on land.

come on, animals, let’s go on land!

nope, can’t walk yet.

and there’s no food yet, so i don’t care.

ok, will you learn to walk if there’s plants up here?

maybe, said some bugs, and fish.

ok, so i can go on land, but i have to go back in the water to

have babies

learn to use an egg.

i was already doing that.

use a stronger egg.

put water in it.

have a baby, on land, in an egg.

water is in the egg.

baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg.

works for me.

bye bye ocean

and now everything’s huge.

including bugs.

wanna see a map of the land?

sure.

oh fuck, now everything’s dead.

just kidding, here are the survivors.

keep your eye on this one because it’s about to become the dinosaurs.

here’s another map of the land.

yeah, it broke apart, don’t worry about it, it does that all the time.

here comes a meteor.

and the dinosaurs are gone

it’s mammal time, here come the mammals.

look at those breasts.

now they’re gonna dominate the world and one of them just learned how to grab stuff.

and walk.

no, like, walk like that.

and grab stuff at the same time.

and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks.

“ouch”

and set things on fire.

“yeouch”

and make crazy sounds with their voice.

“gneurshk”

which can mean different things.

that’s a human person

and now they’re everywhere.

almost.

ice age

what, you can walk over here?

cool.

not anymore

well i guess we’re stuck here now.

let’s review.

there’s people on the planet.

and they’re chasing their food.

fuck it, time to plant some grass.

look at this.

i control the food now.

now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me.

let’s all build houses except mine is bigger because i own the food.

this is great, i wonder if anyone else is doing this.

tired of using rocks for everything?

use metal.

it’s underground.

better farming was just invented, in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers.

and the animals are helping.

guess what happens next

more food.

and more people who came to buy the food.

now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales.

and now you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses, and now there’s more people and they invent things, which makes things better and more people come and there’s more farming and more people to make more things for more people and now there’s business, money, writing, laws, power.

Society

coming soon to a dank river valley near you.

meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed.

why is all my metal so lame and lumpy?

tired of using lame, sad metal?

introducing

Bronze

made with special ingredient tin from the far lands of tin land.

i don’t know, my dealer won’t tell me where he gets it.

also, guess what?

egypt

meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse.

now we’re getting somewhere.

also

china

and did i mention

indus river valley civilization

norte chico

the middle east is getting more complicated, maybe because it’s in the middle of the east.

knock knock, er, clop clop.

it’s the people with the horses.

and they made an empire.

and then everyone else copied their horses.

greeks

ah look, it must be the greeks, er, a beta version of the greeks.

let’s check in with the indus river valley civilization.

they’re gone.

guess who’s not gone?

china

new arrivals in india, maybe it’s those horse people i was talking about, or their cousins or something

and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff

you could make a religion out of this.

there’s the bronze age collapse.

now the phoenicians can get down to business

also, can we switch to a metal that’s a little easier to find?

thanks.

look who came back to israel, it’s the twelve tribes of israel.

and they believe in God

just 1 though, he’s got like a ten step program.

here’s some huge heads.

must be the olmecs.

the phoenicians make some colonies.

the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies.

the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies.

here comes the assyrian empire.

never mind, it’s the babylonian- median-

it’s the Persian Empire

“wow, that’s big”

ah, the buddha was just enlightened.

who’s the buddha?

this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we’re all dying.

you could make a religion out of this.

oops, china just broke, but while it was breaking, confucius was figuring out how to have good morals.

ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff.

and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire.

it’s a great idea.

he was great.

and now he’s dead.

hopefully the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them.

knock knock, it’s chandragupta, he says get the hell out of here.

will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants?

ok thanks, bye

time to conquer all of india

or

most of india

but what about this part?

that’s the tamil kings, no one conquers the tamil kings.

who are the tamil kings?

merchants, probably

and they’ve got spices

who would like to buy the spices?

me, said the arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world.

hey, china put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy.

actually, they have three main philosophies.

out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city.

let’s check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms.

greekification overload!

bye, said the parthians.

bye, said the jews.

hi, said the parthians, taking over the entire place.

heyyyyyyyy, said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast.

thanks for invading our homeland, said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland.

hi, everything’s great, said some guy who seems to be getting very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which only makes him more popular.

you could make a religion out of this.

want silk?

now you can buy it from china.

they just made a

brand new road to the world

or you can

get there on water

sick! new trade routes! said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast.

hmm, that’s a good place for an epic trading kingdom.

there goes buddhism traveling up the silk road.

i wonder if it’ll reach china before it collapses again.

remember the persian empire?

yep, said the persians, making a new one.

axum is getting so powerful they would like to build a long stick.

has anyone populated madagascar yet?

let’s do it together.

china is whole again

then it broke again

still can’t cross the sahara desert?

try camels.

hell yeah! now we’ve got business

said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold, and slaves

hi, i live in the roman empire, and i was wondering

is loving jesus legal yet?

no.

actually, ok, sure, said constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his

main rival

don’t worry about rome, it won’t fall.

it’s the golden age of india

there’s the gupta empire, not chandragupta, just gupta.

first name chandra.

the first.

guess who’s in rome?

barbarians

what’s a barbarian?

non-romans, said the romans, being invaded by non-romans.

r.i.p., roman empire, er, actually just half of it, the other half is just fine, but it’s not in rome anymore so let’s give it a new name.

the mayans have figured out the stars

oh and here’s a huge city, population: everyone

the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe.

great job, göktürks.

how’s india?

broken.

how’s china?

back together

how’s those trading kingdoms?

bigger, and there’s more of them

korea has 3 kingdoms.

japan has a kingdom, it’s the sunrise kingdom.

deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammed’s ear.

so he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods and he tells them their gods are all fake.

and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town.

you could make a religion out of this.

and maybe conquer the world as well.

the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope.

plus there’s

new kingdoms all over europe

i wonder if there’s room for moors.

here’s all the wisdom.

in a house.

it’s the baghdad house of wisdom.

just in time for the

islamic golden age

let’s bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast, said the swahili on the swahili coast.

remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there?

someone owns that now.

wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere?

the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas.

surprise! you’re the new roman emperor, said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire.

then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not france.

but the northerners, or just norse if you don’t have much time, are exploring.

they go north, from the north to the northern north.

and they find some land.

two types of land.

and they name them accordingly.

they also invade some other places, and get called many names, such as vikings.

there’s the rus.

the kievan rus.

are they vikings?

i don’t think so, said the kievan rus.

ok, fair enough.

the pope is ready to make some more emperors.

of the “roman empire”.

the holy roman empire.

it’s actually germany but don’t worry about it.

new kingdoms.

christianize all the kingdoms

which brand would you like?

mine’s better.

mine’s better.

mine’s better.

time to conquer england, said william.

it’s a bird, it’s a plane

it’s the seljuk turks

aah! said the byzantine empire who’s getting so small and almost doesn’t exist anymore.

we need help!

they need help, so they call the pope.

hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks?

maybe take back the holy land on the way?

come on, i know you want to take back the holy land.

yes, i do actually want to do that.

let’s do a crusade.

crusade

they did many crusades, some of which almost didn’t fail.

but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals.

goodbye mayans.

hello toltecs

goodbye toltecs.

hello mississippi

look at those mounds.

there’s the pueblo.

i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff.

guess who’s here?

khmer.

where?

here.

and pagan is there.

vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government.

china just invented bombs, and typing.

and the mongols just invaded most of the universe.

nice going, Genghis!

i bet that will last a long time.

some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india.

is it tonga time?

i think it’s tonga time.

i just found out where the swahili gets all their gold.

look at this chad.

means “lake”.

there’s an empire there.

right in the middle of

Africa

the king of mali is so rich he’s going on tour to let everyone know.

wow, that guy’s rich, everyone said.

the christians are doing a great job reconquering iberia, which will soon be called spain and not spain.

please remain christian.

we will check in later to see if you’re still christian when you least expect.

whoops, half of europe just died.

ming

china’s back, yay!

hey khmer, time to share.

new kingdoms here and there.

oh, look who controls all the islands.

it’s the mahajapit.

majahapit.

mapajahit.

mahapajit.

mapajahit.

majapahit?

oh, italy’s really rich, time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics.

it’s kinda like a rebirth.

here’s a printer.

let’s make books.

so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire?

yep, said the ottoman turks.

nice job, ottoman turks.

whoops, you missed a spot.

don’t forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade.

what? that’s bullshit, said portugal, spiceless.

well i guess we’ll have to find another way to india

wait! said christopher columbus, probably smoking crack.

if the world is round, let’s go this way to india.

nah, don’t worry, we already got this, said portugal.

so chris goes to spain.

hey spain, wanna hire me to find india by going around back of the world?

no.

please?

no.

please?

no.

please?

ok.

so he sails into the ocean.

and discovers more ocean.

and then discovers the indies.

and japan.

let’s draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world.

the aztec and inca empires are off to a great start.

i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent?

the habsburgs are marrying into so many royal families they might have to start marrying each other.

move over lithuania, here comes moscow.

ivan wants to make russia great again.

move over timurids, maybe go invade india or something.

persia just made persia persian again.

let’s make it the other kind of islam.

the one where we thought the first guy should have been the other guy.

hey christians!

do you sin?

now you can buy your way out of hell.

that’s bullshit.

this whole thing is bullshit.

that’s a scam.

fuck the church.

here’s 95 reasons why, said martin luther, in his new book, which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation.

you know what would be magnificent, said suleiman, wearing an onion hat?

what if the ottoman empire was really big?

which it is now.

what if russia was big? said ivan, trying not to be terrible.

portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade.

and then that dream was real.

and spain realized that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway.

damn, said england and france.

we gotta start pillaging some stuff.

then the dutch revolt and all the hipsters move to amsterdam.

damn, said amsterdam.

we gotta start pillaging some stuff.

question 1: can you get to india through north america?

no, but at least there’s beaver.

question 2: steal the spice trade.

that’s not a question, but the dutch did it anyway.

sugar

guess where all the sugar’s made?

in brazil.

stolen

and the caribbean.

and it’s so god damn profitable you might forget to not do slavery.

the next thing on russia’s to-do list is to get bigger.

britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world.

more specifically, ohio.

then it escalates into a seven year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who’s boss.

but what about britain and france, did they figure out who’s boss?

yes they did.

it’s britain.

guess who’s broke?

also britain.

so they start taxing the hell out of america.

fuck you, says america, declaring their independence, and fighting for it.

and france helps them win, now france is broke.

and britain’ll have to send their prisoners to a different continent.

wait, if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses?

let’s overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off! said robespierre, cutting everybody’s head off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off.

you could make a reli- no, don’t.

haiti is staring to like the idea of a revolution.

especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters.

why didn’t we think of this before?

wait, who’s in charge of france now?

me

said napoleon, trying to take over europe.

luckily, they banished him to an island.

but he came back

luckily, they banished him to another island.

there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin american wars of independence.

britain just figured out how to turn steam into power.

so now they can make

many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast

then they invent some trains.

and conquer india and maybe put some trains there.

hey, china! said britain.

buy stuff from us!

nah dude, we already got everything, says china.

so britain tried to get them addicted to opium.

which worked, actually.

but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea.

so britain threw a hissy fit, and made them open up five cities and give them an island.

britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop each other from conquering afghanistan.

also, the

sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now

“that’s just where he lives”

india just had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now.

nope, said britain, governing them even harder than before.

technology is about to go crazy

the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad.

it’s bad, they decided.

and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the mexicans too.

i know, let’s rape africa, said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest.

theynevergotethiopia

britain and france are still hungry.

theynevergotthailand

the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they’re looking for more.

hawaii

cuba

wait, spain controls cuba.

well, blame something on them and go to war!

what should we blame on spain?

let’s blame the maine on spain.

so they blame the maine on spain.

now we’re in business.

to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans.

britain just found oil in the middle east.

itmakescarsgo

china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and controlled by a guy from the previous government.

europe hasn’t had a war since the last war.

so they start world war 1.

look at those guns.

it’s gonna be a great war.

so great we won’t need a second one.

after it’s over, they blame germany.

russia went on strike and the workers overthrew the government.

now everyone’s paycheck is the same.

communism

in the soviet union

the arabs revolt and britain helps.

now the ottoman empire’s gone so we can give the

jewish people a place to live

hopefully the arabs won’t mind.

let’s cut the cake, said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore empire.

except turkey, turkey makes a brand new turkey

and then the saudis conquer arabia.

it just seemed like the right thing to do.

hello?

yes, it’s the 1920’s calling.

let’s get in the car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies.

the economy’s great and it’ll probably be great forever, just kidding.

germany’s back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model.

and he’s mad at the jews for existing.

japan is finally conquering the east, and they’re so excited they rape nanking way too hard.

they should probably just deny it.

hitler’s out of control.

so the international community tackles him and then tries to explain why killing all the jews is a bad idea.

but he kills himself before they could explain it to him.

that’s world war 2

bonus round!

pacific showdown.

united states vs. japan.

fight!

finish him

let’s unite all the nations and have some

world peace

seems legit.

hi, i’m gandhi, and if britain doesn’t get the hell out of india, i’m gonna starve myself in public.

wow, that worked?

bonus, now there’s pakistan.

actually two pakistans.

one of them can be bangladesh later.

the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land.

me, they both said at the same time.

let’s divide up the land so everyone’s happy.

sike, they both get angrier

look out china, there’s a new china in china.

what’s on the menu?

communism!

no thanks, said the other china, escaping to an island.

i wonder which one is the real china?

there’s the korean war, korea versus korea.

nobody wins, then it’s on pause forever.

let’s meet the sponsors.

oh, it’s the two global superpowers.

they’re having a friendly debate over which economic system is good, and which one is an evil virus of Satan.

and they both have atom bombs.

fight!

wait, no, that would be the end of the world.

let’s just keep it cool and spy on each other instead.

and make sure we have enough atom bombs.

i’ll race you to space.

now let’s make some more countries fight themselves.

europe is tired of pillaging other continents, so the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged.

so here’s a new map, with new countries.

now you can’t tell who they’re being pillaged by.

the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad.

they decided it’s bad, and the world agrees.

south africa might need another minute to think about it.

let’s check the world population.

whoa.

okay.

technology’s better too, that might keep happening.

the soviet union decides to relax a little, and accidentally falls apart.

europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money, except britain, because they don’t feel like it.

let’s check the mail.

surprise, it’s on the computer.

whoops, someone just attacked america.

i bet they’ll remember that.

phone call.

surprise, it’s in your pocket.

wanna learn everything?

surprise, it’s on the computer.

now your phone’s a computer, which is in your pocket.

whoops, the economy just crashed.

don’t worry, the big banks won’t fail because they’re not supposed to.

surprise!

flying robots.

with bombs.

wanna print a brain?

some people have no friends.

some people have no food.

the globe is warming

and the ocean is full of plastic

let’s save the planet! said everybody, not knowing how.

let’s invent a thing inventor, said the thing inventor inventor, after being invented by a thing inventor.

that’s pretty cool.

by the way, where the hell are we?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xuCn8ux2gbs&t=329s

anonymous asked:

Jonsa prompt: "one more and that's it"

Sorry, anon, you were probably looking for, IDK, orgasms, but please instead have some soulmate AU angst (of the type where soulmates share dreams, unless you’re Jon, who took the night shift specifically to avoid his soulmate):


One more hour, Jon tells himself. One more and that’s it. The problem is, there’s nothing conducive to staying awake about desk work late at night. Or rather early in the morning. If he worked first or second shift, then he could go on patrol, interview people, do something interesting. Something active. Sometimes that does happen in the third shift, but not always, and not tonight. Tonight has been one hundred percent paperwork and boredom. People are always surprised when Jon tells them how much policework is just paperwork.

“Time for trash can basketball,” Pyp announces, slapping Jon on the back. “Unless you want to take a nap?” he adds, eyeing Jon.

Jon shakes his head adamantly. No napping. He’s made that mistake before. Even just a few minutes of overlap is a few too many. He rubs his hands together, mimes enthusiasm. “You just want me to take a nap because then you won’t have any real competition.”

Pyp whoops and everyone gathers around the trash can in shuffles of varying awake-ness. It’s a familiar game: they all take turns tossing crumpled paper balls into the can from increasing distances. If you miss, you lose and you’re out.

It’s a dumb game, but Jon likes the third shift guys he works with. Most are rookies stuck with the night shift until they work their way up. They’ll be glad to get out of here, to get back to a normal sleeping schedule and back to dreaming with their soulmates. Captain Mormont is always bugging Jon about moving up, getting off the career-killing graveyard shift, but Jon dug in his heels years ago: he works nights or he quits. Others are more like Jon. Cotter Pyke hates his soulmate’s guts and never wants to dream with them. Uncle Benjen, who led the night shift when Jon started at the station, didn’t have a soulmate at all. Neither did Ygritte, which had been at least part of what attracted Jon to her: that she did her own thing, was beholden to no one. That’s what Jon says, too, when people ask. They always do, especially when they learn he works at night and offer their sympathies. That must be so difficult. How lonely. You poor thing.

But Jon knows otherwise. What’s actually difficult is when he fucks up and nods off at his desk, and he’s catapulted into her dreams. Even catching a glimpse of her makes him see red–ha, ha. His body has learned to jerk awake at the first sign of her dark auburn hair. It was especially hard when she was in college and went to the occasional party, staying up late and sleeping in late enough to catch up with him. Sometimes she was still drunk enough that she tried to explain–as if he hadn’t understood her disappointment in him for exactly what it was–but in a drunk, self-absorbed, rambling way that made it clear nothing about her had really changed. He spent many of those Saturdays perpetually exhausted from trying to avoid her. Recently, too.

Grenn wins trash can basketball, like he always does–it’s his reach, Pyp claims, every single time, and argues they should institute a special penalty for him and giants like him–and by the time Jon looks at a clock again, it’s almost time to go. He and Sam organize everything to hand off to the day shift and head out together, Jon tugging down his sunglasses as they step outside.

“You’ve been more tired than usual lately,” Sam observes.

Sam’s the only one who knows about his soulmate and why he avoids her, so Jon admits the truth. “She’s started taking naps in the afternoon. It’s messing with me.”

“Maybe she wants to talk to you.”

Jon gives a short laugh. “About what? Everything’s been said.” There’s been some mistake. It can’t be you. It just can’t.

Sam gives a shrug, not committing to Jon’s interpretation of events. It’s annoying, but also very Sam in a way that makes Jon fond. Sam’s a nice guy. Nicer than him, for sure. Good at keeping an open mind, and unwilling to judge strangers on the words of friends. Jon respects that. In a weird way, he thinks that might be the reason he told Sam in the first place. As much as the memory of their first dream together makes him grind his teeth, Jon isn’t interested in a bunch of people who don’t know her, even his friends, bagging on her. Even if they would say all the things he’s thought in the past (what a bitch).

“There are people who think there aren’t any pre-existing connections between soulmates at all,” Sam offers.

Jon frowns. “How would that work?”

“They suggest that who we dream with may just be random–that people make connections based on the dreams, not because of fate or the gods or any other outside force.”

“That’s unexpectedly nihilistic of you. Don’t let Gilly hear you say that.” Jon laughs.

“I didn’t say I agreed with it,” counters Sam. “But–I don’t think it’s nihilistic at all. It’s all about what we make of it, isn’t it? We already know having a soulmate doesn’t predestine you for a life full of happiness and perfection. Case in point.” He gestures toward Jon, though he looks a little apologetic as he does.

“Hey, now,” Jon protests. “My life is just fine, thanks.”

Sam’s look is skeptical, but he doesn’t push on that front. “I’m only saying, maybe you should resolve whatever it is between you. Maybe you’re not going to get married and have five kids and live happily ever after–lots of soulmates don’t, you know, they’re best friends or mortal enemies or just someone who changes your life–but if you’re nothing to each other, that’s on you too.”

“That was her choice.”

“Yours too. You sort of let her make it, didn’t you? And you’ve avoided every opportunity to change it.”

Jon scowls. “That’s assuming she does want to talk to me at all, remember? Maybe she just really likes naps.”

“Naps are wonderful,” Sam allows, letting the subject go. “Gilly takes them in the afternoon with the baby, while I’m asleep too. It’s nice.”

“Well, go on then, enjoy your perfect life.” Jon waves Sam up to his apartment building, and smiles to take the sting out. “You deserve it.”

Sam’s words stick with Jon on his way home, churning. Four bus stops take Jon to his place, and to blissful, uninterrupted, dreamless sleep.


“She’s been here for a while. Only wanted to speak to you,” Pyp explains as Jon comes in the next day, bleary-eyed with his red-eye coffee.

“They didn’t call me?”

“She said she was happy to wait. Wouldn’t talk to anyone else.” Pyp shrugs. “Get this, though, she’s a total babe. I didn’t know you knew any babes, Snow.”

Jon tries to think of who it could be, and fails. “What’s her name?”

“Wouldn’t tell us. Weird, right? But we patted her down. She doesn’t have anything to kill you with, we’re pretty sure.”

It is pretty weird, he has to admit. Until he rounds the corner into the bullpen and sees her sitting by his desk and understands exactly why she didn’t tell anyone her name. The coffee slips from his hand and spatters on the floor as Jon, only dimly aware, sees a face he hasn’t seen in ten years but in the occasional dream.

She looks less surprised to see him. “Hi, Jon.” Sansa gives him a small, sad smile. “I need your help with something.”

[part 2]

im youngmin as a prince

this is my first time doing this bear with me please– it’s also hellaaa long so i put it under the cut to save those who dont want to scroll past the whole thing lol

  • is highly highly highly respected and loved by everyone in his kingdom
  • hes so sweet to all his people like he’ll go out of his way to check on them and make sure they’re all doing well bc he loves his kingdom so much
  • even sent christmas cards and extra food to all the households in the town during the holidays like WHAT A SWEETHEART
  • anyways
  • he loves his kingdom so deeply you can imagine how on edge he becomes when his dad is suddenly ill and about to pass
  • bc now it’s time for youngmin to step in as king and like?? he’s nOT READY
  • but he can’t let his kingdom NOT have a king like his people need a leader– and his mother bless her but she doesn’t really have leadership skills rip so youngmin is their only hope
  • BUT he’s not married.. he can barely talk to girls lmao but it’s against royal law (?) to become a king without a queen so
  • that’s where you come in

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The Incredibles 2: Another Missed Opportunity by Pixar

If you haven’t heard, Pixar is apparently setting the Incredibles 2 right after the end of the first movie. This actually sounds like a mistake, because the Baby Boomers this movie appealed to when it came out… fucking christ, 13 years ago… those people are not the ones paying to go see this movie. Its their kids, who are now pushing 30 and have their own kids, both of whom will not be able to relate to the nuclear family dynamic portrayed in the incredible. Bob will be struggling to relive the “Good ol'days” when he had purpose, and Helen will still be a housewife with three kids who doesn’t work and is somehow able to afford a pretty nice house in the burbs. You know how many people that story is going to connect with? Basically no one going to see the movie. So here is my alternate pitch:

13 years after the end of the Incredibles, our story centers around Violet and Dash. Violet is the lead of our story, she’s now 27, living in a crappy apartment she can barely afford even with 2 roommates; working in the city for an Amazon-style online retailer after the brick and mortar retail store she worked at closed down, and she’s still not getting much use out of her Bio-Science degree. Violet goes super heroing in the evenings with her roommates and any other Supers who’ve come out of hiding (most of them are close to her age) and also on the weekends when she actually has a few spare minutes to herself, and while she loves it she just doesn’t have the time to put into it like her parents did. One night on patrol she comes across an armed robber who is able to spot her while invisible and push her away with a zero-point energy device. She tries to chase him down but is defeated by his gang all of whom sport similar weapons. That night she returns home, remembering her family’s battle with Syndrome more than a decade ago.

Meanwhile Dash is 19 and in college, but home for the summer with Helen, Bob, and Jack Jack who is now a super hormonal, but ultimately well meaning teenage boy, who we don’t see much of for the movie, as he actually has a pretty active social life outside the home. Dash was on the track team in college, but is on academic probation for failure to maintain good grades. Despite this setback Bob still treats him like the favorite kid because Jack is going out and heroing every chance he gets… but its pretty clear he has a lot of anxiety problems and is using hero work to literally run-away from his issues and impress his dad. He has a wide circle of new Supers he works with, but he wouldn’t really call any of them his friends.

Helen and Bob are still happily married, if a bit torn when it comes to their kids. Both Helen and Bob are overly critical of Violet, who Bob thinks is shirking her legacy, while Helen thinks she needs to find a boyfriend, and both occasionally say preachy/snide comments about how she isn’t doing anything with her degree or her powers, with Bob’s picking turning into outright rants about how her generation are lazy and entitled, and asking why she can’t be more like Dash, which gets on Helen’s nerves and the whole family (save Jack-Jack who had the good sense to leave early in the meal) get into a huge fight.

After the fight Violet leaves to walk around their old neighborhood only for Dash to catch up to here and the two have a nice talk about their mutual admiration for each-other and sharing their personal insecurities and their mutual desire to be their own heroes. At the same time we see Bob and Helen talking after the fight, Bob is still a little frustrated with his kids, but Helen pushes him to admit that he’s just projecting his fears onto them because they don’t know how much longer they can afford to keep their house. Linda is working as a secretary because that’s the only job a home-maker of 18 years could find, but its nowhere near enough to make up the difference. Bob isn’t super-heroing all that much anymore either, Super Strength or not, the years have not been kind. He’s visibly slower, stiffer, and his joints obviously hurt a lot from renewed hero work in his 40s. 

That night while the kids are away, a group sporting the same weapons Violet first encountered breaks into the Parr’s home and subdue’s Bob and Helen before Dash, Violet and Jack-Jack can stop them. The movie then follows the kids as they suit up to save their parents from what is revealed to be Syndrome’s old company. While their founder and chief inventor is long dead, the company itself has spent years using his inventions to become one of the most powerful conglomerates on the planet (think SpaceX and Tesla if the company was run by Peter Thiel instead of Elon Musk). The current CEO of the company reveals himself to be Syndrome’s chief investor, original business partner and only real friend. It turns out that our villain has realized that Syndrome’s inventions were all attempts to recreate superpowers for normal people, and he’s now collecting super heros to reverse engineer their powers, citing how the biggest loss his company took was with the destruction of the Omnidroids and all their data.

Violet, Jack-Jack and Dash all race to the company’s headquarters, and while their first encounter is initially a success, Not-Thiel gets the drop on them with a zero-point energy weapon and soon realizes that Jack-Jack is the most valuable super of the bunch, as the rest of the Parr family are left to watch in horror, Jack Jack is taken to be studied and Not-Thiel decides to transfer the boy’s powers over to him in a kind of super-hero transfusion. By the time the Parrs break out, Not-Thiel is basically Fontaine from Bioshock, and Jack-Jack is left drained and near death. The family is only able to defeat Not-Thiel after a wave of new heroes join the fight, having been called earlier by Violet during their escape. Thiel is ultimately brought down, the evil corporation is exposed, and its assets are seized by the MiB/SHIELD organization we saw in the first movie. We close with Jack Jack having lost his powers, but using Syndrome’s old gear, he is able to return to hero-duty as an Iron-Man type tech based hero. Violet returns to work having demonstrated her capabilities as a leader and uses her new found sense of agency to get a promotion. Dash has a heart to heart with his dad and steps away from hero work while in college. And Bob and Linda are able to buy a new home after a sizable settlement from Bob’s old insurance company, having retired from hero work to, with a end-credits tease, join the SHIELD agency to find and train new Supers.

Walk This Way (Owen Grady x Reader)

Originally posted by nuggetzhoran

As requested by anon:  Can you please do a one shot of Owen teaching AlphaBaby to walk?!?

“We need to get married right now,” Owen said as he pulled you close to him.

You wriggled around a bit, trapped in his bear hug, coughing from the stench coming off him. It was a very strong mixture of dirt, sweat, and gasoline. Granted, that wasn’t far off from how he usually smelled when you saw him, but this time it was amplified by a thousand. You weren’t going to hold it against him, though. After all, the man did just spend the last twelve hours running from bloodthirsty dinosaurs.

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5

This going to be a little like the Daryl Dixon imagine in that it isn’t going to be one continuous plot line but instead I’m just going to make a bunch of little scenarios. I’m so in love with Frank Castle. You guys know I can’t resist sad, smol characters. But I’m going to warn you guys right now, my sensory issues are acting whacky as heck and I have a migraine at the moment so these are probs a lot worse than I feel like they are right now. 


You sat in a booth in a small diner in your wedding dress, Frank in his tuxedo. The old woman behind the counter smiled at the two of you, remembering when she and her wife got married and she could tell the two of you were married no more than three hours ago. She could practically smell the newly-wed-twenty-something. The two of you hadn’t ordered anything yet but she fixed you ice cream. 

“Those aren’t ours.” you told her honestly. 

“They’re on the house… for the new couple.” she smiled and sat the glass bowls down. 

“Thank you!” you called after her.

“You two take your time, now. I’m behind the counter if you need anything.” she nodded. 

“That was so nice.” you beamed, turning back to your husband. 

“You look so beautiful.” he told you with all the adoration in the world. “I love you so much, baby..” he picked up your hand and kissed it, admiring the rings on your finger. 

“I love you too.” you told him through a mouthful of ice cream. He laughed at you. He wondered how on Earth he got lucky enough for you to fall in love with him. Someone so beautiful, and kind, and brave, and smart… How could you love him? 

                                ________________________


“Frank!” you screeched when you heard him open the door. You unfolded yourself from the couch and met him halfway through your living room. you jumped on him, Frank catching you happily, holding you up. 

“I was only gone for three hours.” he laughed, stumbling backwards. 

“Did you get my coffee?” 

He sighed. “It’s on the counter in the kitchen.” he let you down and you hopped into the kitchen, Frank following less enthusiastically behind you. You sipped your coffee as unsuspectingly as possible, flipping through the mail like you hadn’t already done it a thousand. 

“So…” you swallowed slowly. 

“Hm?” he asked, turning on the small TV on the counter to look at the news. His attention wasn’t completely on you so you took another sip of your coffee. 

“I got this thing in the the mail today.” you told him, pulling the envelope you’d opened earlier, the reason you’d cried the entire three hours he was gone. “I mean… you probably don’t want to hear about it.” 

“No, I do, babe.” he assured you. “I just want to see what the weather’s gonna be like this weekend. I was thinking we could leave the city, you know? Find a little beach town somewhere where we can spend the weekend.” 

“Oh, well… I guess if the weather is more important than this letter I got from the adoption agency approving the last of our papers…” you trailed off. 

“No, baby, it’s not that it’s more important,just give me a sec- What?” he dropped the remote and you bit your lip, keeping your smile from growing. “Wait a minute, what did you just say?” 

“They approved us… She’s ours… Our little girl.” you were tearing up again. “She’s ours, Frank.” 

“Oh my God.” he began to tear up as well, coming around the counter to meet you in a bone crushing hug. His chest heaved with sobs as he pulled back, tears in his eyes and nothing else but happiness in every molecule of his being. “I love you.” he held onto you as he grabbed the envelope and pulled out the picture of the little girl. “I lover her, too.” 


                               ________________________ 


!!!!THIS ONE IS REALLY SAD SO DON’T READ IT IF IT’S GOING TO TRIGGER YOU!!!!

“I-I don’t want you to leave…” you let your head drop, not because you didn’t want him to see you cry but because you couldn’t bear to see him cry. You couldn’t look into those rich, brown eyes and stay strong for long, you couldn’t give him the strength he needed. 

“I don’t want to leave you, Y/N. Don’t you go thinkin’ that, alright? I just- I want you to know that. I don’t want to leave you. But I have to do this.” 

“I know you do, Frank…” you put your hands on his cheeks, looking up into his eyes.You let your hands fall down his neck, over his thick, muscular arms, holding onto his massive, rough hands before you wrapped your arms around his waist… maybe for the last time. He returned the action, his hands slipping around you and holding you tight. “Come home to me.” you told him when it was time for him to leave. You didn’t want to let go, not ever. But you knew you had to. He had to do this. 

He kiss you one last time full on the lips, long and passionate, leaning his forehead against yours as he forced himself to pull his lips away from yours. “I love you, Y/N.” 

“I love you too.” 

XX.

Second day of waning gibbous of the twelfth month. Winter.

Dear Diary,

This weekend has been quite lively. Despite being on the early days of the coldest season, I woke up to the weekend quite toasty, comfortable, and very not in my bed.

You see, Link and I met again in my room after the talk we had. We had tea by the fireplace, he told me about the avalanche and how he survived using Nayru’s Love. He was quite scant on details, but I think he just wants to move on. I cannot keep thinking if it was not for such a fortuitous fact, he would be dead. I must thank the Goddesses again for their constant protection of him.

I tried to teach him another spell, but we certainly got diverted because of two reasons: one was that when we resonated our triforces, we saw each other’s thoughts.

And boy, I had no idea how I made him feel. Some of his thoughts and sensations were quite arousing - we made out on the carpet until we were too short of breath to go on; actually it was more due to prudence than lack of desire. Which takes me to disclose the second reason, which is…

That later, the very same night, I went to his room and gave myself to him.

It was amazing; tender and rough at the same time. The sensations are quite hard to put into words, but in short being intimate is pure, untamed bliss.

I was woken at dawn, with strands of dirty blond hair tickling my nose, and soft kisses all over my face.

‘Love, wakey wakey’. His voice whispered tenderly in my ear. I felt fingertips caressing my cheek. 'I gotta leave to train’.

His gaze was one of pure, inmense love.

I slowly sat on the bed, realizing he was sitting there fully clothed, light armor and all. I was still naked.

'I didn’t have the heart to wake you up before’, he handed me my nightdress. ‘go back to your bed before one of your maids or Impaz arrives, love’.

The idea of being caught in the act, especially by Impaz, ended to wake me up. I quickly slipped my nightie over my head and got up, heading straight to the mirror door.

‘You forget something, milady’. I was about to open the door, when a pair of knickers - mine- flashed in front of my eyes. ‘This ain’t the kind of loot I’m used to, but I can get a likin’ to it’.

‘Cheeky’. I snatched them out of his hand, my face incandescently red as an ember.

‘And this’, he turned me, and kissed me goodbye.

I crossed immediately to my chamber, put on my knickers, and dunked in my bed to do what I have not done in the last hours: think about what I have done.

The only thing I could conclude was: nothing, actually.

So, to avoid having an unnecessary breakdown, I decided to go with the natural flow of things, at least for this weekend.

I called for Impaz earlier than usual, since it was useless to stay in bed any longer. She obviously noticed my lack of sleep.

‘Something on that restless mind of yours, dearest?’, she asked, pouring down some tea for the both of us. ‘You know you can trust me’.

‘I… confessed my feelings to Link’. I sighed, and sipped my tea. ‘my love is certainly returned’.

‘That’s marvelous, dear child!’, she was rejoiced, ‘being loved is a beautiful thing, and by such a good man!’

‘I laid with him last night, also’.

‘And you think this old lady is dumb’.

My jaw dropped.

She remained silent for a moment and looked at me.

‘You have the rosy cheeks and glow only someone who has been thoroughly laid can have’. She sipped her tea. ‘You are a grown woman, and also the ruler of this country. No one should ever even dare to judge you for what you do with your personal life’.

Her reassurance made me feel better. I smiled widely.

‘That’s my girl’, she patted my hand. ‘Now I have to ask you, is your love the real thing?’

‘What do you mean?’, I enquired.

‘Love is not just the “happily ever after” feeling’, she cleared, ‘It’s a conscious commitment to accept a person just as they are. You have burdens and duties not everyone is ready to face, so does Link. Not all days will be a bed of roses, nor you will be able to be always together. You will see the best and worst of each other’. She paused. ‘Life will change both of you. In short, is he the one you want as your consort?’

I stayed thoughtful. Her words are really important. I know what I feel for him is real. I am quite sure his are real too. He has done a really good job with the Army so far, but does he have what it takes to be… my husband?

‘Absolutely’, I realized, ‘I need to talk to him about this; I think it is mandatory to tell him from the start what are the challenges he will have to face if he agrees to be proclaimed my betrothed, but I think we can discuss that matter later. For this weekend, at least, I want to take things slowly’.

I took a deep sigh after that statement.

‘Oh, my!’, Impaz laughed at me. 'You have been fully lovestruck, dearest!’

I just wanted to hide my blushed face.

'He is training now. Is it bad that I want to go to see him?’, I asked, feeling already somewhat ridiculous for even saying those words.

‘If you want to go, then go!’, Impaz cheered, ‘I’ll help you get dressed’.

With a not so elaborate, but warm dress, boots and cloak, I headed to the training grounds.

What I did not expect was to find Link surrounded by his trainees. The soldiers froze and immediately bowed as I approached their Commander. His eyes widened at every step closer.

‘Good morning, Lord Commander’, I greeted him, controlling myself to not turn red, ‘How do you fare this cold morning?’

‘Good morning, my Queen, I fare more than well today’. He grinned and made a small curtsy. Cheeky. 'What a lovely surprise to have you visit us’.

'I thought it might be interesting to spectate your work with the trainees’  - a huge stray from the actual truth - ‘since I saw you on the early days of the process’, I commented. 'To oversee your improvements is certainly a part of my job’.

Link’s smirk read “worst liar ever”.

‘The Queen has amazing marksmanship skills’, he noted, ‘I wondered if you could show all of us here’.

He handed me a bow and three arrows, which all struck center on the aims. The rookies were impressed - some people still have the impression I am some sort of frail creature.

‘I shall not interrupt you more’, I retired, Link accompanying me to the exit. ‘Have a good day’.

Out of sight, we could leave our charade.

‘I thought you trained alone today’, I explained, ‘It seems I was wrong’.

‘I did! They just started joinin’ me outta the blue’, he shrugged. ‘It’s been like that for a while’.

‘That is a consequence of good leadership, dear’. He blushed. ‘I just wanted to ask you to have lunch with me, and maybe, if the weather allows it, go out for a stroll’.

‘Like a date?’, he asked, looking flattered by my proposal. ‘I’ve never been on a date before’.

‘It is alright, I have never been to one either’.

As we smiled discreetly to each other, he kissed my hand and went back to his labor.

I rushed to my room, meeting Ashei on my way back. I just waved, and I could swear she greeted me “hey, Mysterious Lady Z” as she waved back.

I put on some lighter dress to be more comfortable - and pretty. I have never been vain, but I have been more worried about my outward appearance than before.

A cart with the food arrived some time before my guest, who came straight from the training grounds, apologizing for his apparent delay.

We ate in silence the sweet potato and pumpkin soup we had for lunch, stealing glances from each other, giggling when our eyes met, like silly kids with a crush on each other. It did not feel awkward, just as if we were sharing a little secret without words.

‘You like me’, he started, in a singsong voice, putting our empty plates aside on the cart, ‘you wanna marry me and have my babies’.

I felt myself flushing from my toes to my head. ‘What is your age, again?’

He chuckled, leaning on the table, resting his chin on his crossed forearms.

‘In all honesty, love, I do want the whole thing’, he admitted. ‘To wake up every day with you by my side, some kids, a bunch of pets, y’know, the real deal. I wanted to ask Auru ‘bout the whole “may I have permission to date you” protocol at the beginning of the next week’.

A warm feeling spread from my chest. 

‘Impaz asked me something on the same page this morning when I told her what happened between us’, I revealed him.

‘How much does she know?, Link’s eyes widened as he asked.

‘Everything’, I confessed, ‘I cannot lie to her!’

‘That’s why she told me “I was radiant” when I met her before I came here!’, he realized. ‘Darn, she’s sassier than Elder Nabooru!’

After a good laugh, I addressed the subject of the strange nickname Ashei called me when I passed by her. He told me a story about the trainees finding out Link loved someone during the training at Snowpeak, but not realizing this Mysterious Lady Z was actually me. I think more than one of them tied the knots correctly after my impromptu visit.

I find the nickname rather amusing. It is like the name of the heroine of an adventure novel.

The snowfall was quite intense during the afternoon, so we stayed talking by the fireplace, lying on the rug, asking each other things we did not know about each other.

'Cats or dogs?’, he started.

'Both, except for the lapdogs of the court ladies, they are scary… one bit me when I was little’, I disclosed. 'I know from a trusted source you are mainly a cat person’.

'True’, he chuckled, 'Next one. A funny childhood memory’.

'My father had a portrait of me made the day before I turned thirteen’, I narrated. 'I had to sit for the painter for hours while the girls of the court made funny faces’.

'Does that painting still exist?’, Link asked. 'I’d love to see your baby face’.

'It does! It is on the Royal Family Hall. We can go if you are curious’.

In some minutes, we were looking at the faces of the kings and queens of yore. Link’s attention was caught by the portrait of a very familiar face to me.

‘She’s the Princess of Destiny, the Zelda before me’, I explained to him.

‘Her eyes are so sad’, he observed.

‘It is said the portrait was painted around the time she was about to be crowned’, I added, ‘we both know the story, and how that ended’.

‘At least it’s gonna be a different story for us’. he held my hand. ‘C’mon, show me your painting’.

A couple of portraits later, after the one of my parents, was the one depicting my twelve-year-old self. Link observed it carefully, eyes wandering to the image of my parents from time to time.

‘You were so cute with your flower crown! Look at your lovely chubby cheeks!’, he commented, eyes still on the painting, ‘You look a lot like your mom, with the dark hair and fair skin. Your eyes are like your dad’s though’.

‘Thanks for the compliment’, I noted, ‘But being on the rounder side and a bookworm was not a good thing in the eyes of the court girls; some of them were quite mean. Fortunately, puberty was kind to me’.

Kind?’, he laughed. ‘You went from cutie pie to heavenly creature. Don’t kid me, woman. I’ve seen ya naked’.

‘Anyway’, I sighed, ‘we are going to commission my official portrait soon. I’ll have to sit still and stay pretty for some hours’.

'I wanna be there and do my job!’

'You want to pose with me as my champion?’

'Nope, Imma gonna tease you! Maybe I’ll give you smoldering looks’ - he gives me this ridiculous fake suave look- ‘until you turn like a red carnation in full bloom’.

I did not know if to kiss him, laugh, or throw him in the dungeon. Silly pumpkin.

'Don’t give me that look’, he pleaded, 'consider that I’ve pined for you for a long time, and now I have you all for myself, and I feel I can be as silly and cheeky as I want with you’.

You cannot fight those kinds of arguments, especially when he involuntarily makes puppy eyes.

After looking at some other paintings, we went back to my room. There was a cart with food and a note.

Dearest,

I told people you felt indisposed and didn’t want to be bothered until tomorrow noon.

It’s not the first time a sheikah has to cover for her liege, so don’t worry and have fun.

Love,

Impaz’

The message made me smile. I am so grateful for her.

‘We can do as we please for the rest of the day… and night’, I informed him.

Link’s eyes lit up at my words.

‘We can sleep together again! Or keep chatting in front of the fireplace ‘till we fall doze off!, he enthusiastically proposed.

‘As you wish’, I told him, ‘I am good with all of your ideas’.

‘Alright, then, love’, he huffed, ‘wait for me, I’ll go to my room and be back in fifteen’.

He dashed through the mirror door.

I took that time to undo and brush my hair, the loose braid making soft waves on the ends of my hair. As I untangled some strands, the mirror door suddenly opened, and Link - or what appeared to be him under a duvet and pillows - came out of it.

‘Put on your nightie, love’ he ordered, head popping underneath, ‘We’re making a pillow fort tonite!’

‘I have absolutely no idea of what that is’, I answered quite puzzled. ‘Care to explain?’

‘You have never made a pillow fort?’, Link was outraged at my statement. ‘What did you do as a kid?’

‘Study to prepare myself to be the Queen of this land’, I explained, ‘or as I like to describe it, the most non-traditional upbringing ever’.

‘Over-the-top uncommon, for sure, love’. He threw the bundle of bedding on the carpet. He was wearing pajamas already. ‘Go get changed, quick!’

I started taking off my dress behind a divider screen - he might know my body now, but struggling to take off a corset and petticoats on your own is quite… unromantic. Once free from restraints, I put on a lovely white nightdress with thin straps, and a matching robe. Not precisely the most cozy garment, but my intention was to look attractive. As I came closer, his face blushed more and more.

‘Holy Three, what did I do to deserve this?’, he gasped. ‘You look beautiful’.

I just chuckled at his compliment and looked away, then proceeding to build the pillow fort - which is basically camping on your own room, but fun. We brought food and all bundled up in front of the fireplace, we continued our little question game.

‘First kiss’, he started. ‘There is no way you are such a good kisser out of nowhere’.

‘I was sixteen’, I answered. ‘Milena, a girl from court, taught me’.

‘You kissed a girl?!’, he almost yelled.

‘It is a perfectly normal thing, alright?’, I explained him, ‘She was the only friend I had for a while’.

‘What happened to her?’, Link asked, ‘Just curious’.

‘She married, later died during childbirth’, I remembered with sorrow, ‘She was seventeen and a half; so young. Her baby survived though, which is a good thing, despite the grim outcome’.

Link shuddered. ‘I’m sorry’.

My father died soon after she did. It was not a good year at all. 

And then the Twilight came. Not good at all, absolutely.

‘Let us move on to happier matters’, I changed the subject. ‘Your first kiss’.

‘You’.

Now, I was surprised.

‘I told ya I was an innocent country bumpkin’, he said sheepishly, ‘You took my innocence’.

‘Cut it out, you silly pumpkin’  - I pushed him playfully - ‘do not act so childish, you are a grown man through and through!’

‘I don’t think of anyone more perfect than you for the purpose anyway’, he commented, ‘so I can’t complain’.

He rested his head on my lap, arms wrapped around my hips. His posture was positively feline, which elicited a small chuckle from me. I stroked his hair gently, and his eyelids slowly started to close.

‘I wish we could stay like this forever’, he snuggled against my lap, ‘I know we can’t, but we should do this often; I liked it’.

I just hummed affirmatively.

He mumbled something else, and fell swiftly asleep.

I should do the same probably, to enjoy our remaining hours together free of the hassle of formalities, reveling in being wrapped in his warm embrace.

Yours,

Zelda


P.S.: I have run out of pages on this notebook! This is perhaps the last entry on this one. It is certainly metaphorical.

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A/N: Here’s the fluff! I’m sorry it’s a bit delayed. Enjoy it. And remember, a dose of smut is due on Sunday.