cw people being wads about neurodivergence
since i’ve come into my spirituality and have become more confident in my perspective and story, even the people who seem excited about it handle me… delicately. deeply spiritual people will get very quiet when i mention my interactions with spirits. when i share my experiences with like-minded friends, they might celebrate them, but there’s still a level of hesitation. if people aren’t as spiritual, i avoid bringing forth much of my experience at all.
now that it’s a season of erratic fluctuations in energy, mood, and cognitive organization, it’s just going to get worse. it’s really frustrating, because i improve in those areas when given safe space to express myself. conversation gives me the opportunity to gauge how effective my social interactions are at that moment and practice slowing down and finding my ground in the midst of dialogue.
it feels like people don’t realize that i am aware of the difference in my perspectives and behaviors and that is simply not true.
i know that sometimes i talk really fast and say a lot and end up five miles away from where i began. i know that sometimes i’ll talk over people or speak very loudly without realizing until it’s too late. my struggles with in-the-moment recognition of such behavior has helped me develop incredibly powerful hindsight - be it two minutes or thirty seconds ago. i keep an eye on myself.
so, i know when i’m being acting differently. i am aware. i am trying to do better every moment of every day.
same goes for my spiritual beliefs. i know that having conversations with spirits or being an empath or any number of points within my perspective could be read as hallucinations or delusions. i am very, very fucking aware of that, thank you very much. in fact, i build that possibility right into the organizational framework through which i view my experiences. when i don’t feel like i’m being judged or looked down on, i find it kind of fun. it adds another layer to the experience that brings greater depth of meaning to it all, to what it means to be me.
it’s all a work in progress, though. incredibly difficult work. it takes a lot of self awareness, mental fortitude, and emotional stamina to do what i do on the daily.
and it kills me when people ghost me via text or email or get all quiet and avert their eyes when i say something they don’t understand or don’t agree with or my crazy slips out. believe it or not, i am capable of conversation. you can tell me you don’t agree or don’t understand. you can ask me about my experience, why i think of it the way i do. and if my behavior makes you uncomfortable, you can tell me and set your boundaries.
i am still a fucking person.
every person has flaws. people can be socially clumsy without being crazy and no one bats an eye. people can have differing perspectives without being crazy and it’s fine. as soon as there anything that smells like mania or hallucinations, all the sudden everyone gets weird.
it doesn’t have to be weird. it’s just life. and it gets a lot better when the people around me aren’t being wads.