Ep12 Bye Felicia..
Things have finally come to an end with Gdude, for now.. For a long long time. Possibly forever. But it’s ok. I believe that anything after X-j is just to forget that pain. This time I didn’t cry once and I only moped around for 1 night. 1 night for the month we dated. The only thing I really really do REGRET. And I mean it. I regret introducing him to my grandparents. Fuck my life. How the fuck am I gonna explain this now? Aaaarrrrrrrgggggg. This is one of the reasons I don’t like to get back with guys to be honest, it makes me look real stupid to be breaking up getting back together with people, I just don’t like dealing with my family.
I can already see me talking to my mother now “he doesn’t like me.” “he said he wasn’t ready for an emotional relationship”
Mother “ what the fuck does that mean?”
How do I tell my mom that I think he used me, and it only took my sisters boyfriend one look to know he didnt want anything serious with me, and I didn’t see it. I was so caught up in seen what I wanted to see. Now I’m getting angry.
Thinking back at everything, I’m getting angry, angry because on that perfect day we shared with his friends and he didn’t tell me he liked me and I noticed, he told me that it wasnt about what he said it was about how he showed me and how he treated me, that’s how I was supposed to know, but it was bullshit. I knew. Once again, I knew and he lied, I don’t know who he was trying to convince when he said that. Now he says he never lied, but of course he never lied, he just left me to assume. Fuck you. There is a big fuck you and your bullshit feeling that I can’t get rid of. Any trust I had given him is gone and even thou I’m aware he has an upper hand because he got me to care about him, I know I’m gonna be over his ass real quick. I just don’t wanna make more mistakes in the process of letting him go.
Now the really hard part starts. No sex. And I hate him because he fucked me over even with sex. He made me look at his eyes while we had sex and he made me feel different, and now I crave that. Now I can’t just used the bastards as I used to because my craving changed, and I know this because I would have texted Meserito by now. My head is thinking a 1000 and 1 things at a time and they contradict themselves. I’m nowhere near being ready to make any decisions anytime soon about sex. Worst part is that now I’m complete aware of it.
When he came back from Peru and I saw him I wasn’t attracted to him anymore as I was before, I’m guessing I already anticipated what was coming. but I still wouldn’t let him near me because I felt vulnerable so I gave him a handshake and he gave me a kiss in the cheek. He told me that if our paths crossed again to keep an open mind about not shutting him out I guess. But in the realistic world of mind, I doubt our worlds will cross again. We have no ties and no common friends. I did try to maintain a friendship with Amanda, but she never replied to my offer of staying in touch so. I guess she was just being polite before when she was nice. We’ll see. Maybe she needs to talk to Gio first and see if it’s ok.
Hmm. I wonder how the next guy is gonna be… I guess it was good at the end of the day for this to happen, it confirmed my “don’t bring guys home theory” even though I really wanted to be wrong about that one. And now I care about who comes in to fuck up my life. Before I felt like Noone could get to me, and he did. So as I finish his chapter and let out all the anger I felt, I decided to take what I learned and move on to the next one. But with a smile, cause he wasn’t a bad experience at the end of the day. I’m actually very grateful for the little time we had. It does suck I was wrong about him. I really did like him.