Something strange happened yesterday. I know I’m stubborn and I was having a hard time dealing with all of this, but I somehow managed to deal with it in the wrong way. See, I know that the last thing I should have done after he said it was over was look for him. After our talk on Saturday, I thought that things would be alright. That I would be able to see him, say hi, and quietly drift. That eventually the rift would grow enough that I wouldn’t have to keep looking for him. That slowly, but surely I’d be able to let go.
It didn’t work.
I saw a table of free books at school yesterday. They were all books on Latin America, sus meros moles, just his taste. I knew that he would walk out of class shortly after I stood at the table. I knew that if I looked for him, I would be able to bring him back. I would show him. I would be close to him.
As soon as I saw him step out, I shouted his name. “Jay!” I felt like I had shouted his name, but nobody around me turned or noticed my shout. Maybe all I let out was an inaudible whisper. Before I knew it, my feet were making a dash towards the grey hoodie that was slowly slipping away. That was my first mistake that day - assuming that he was slipping away. He was already gone. He made that abundantly clear. I didn’t want to see it. When I caught up to him I just asked him to follow me and that I thought there was something that he would want to check out. He followed me. I was walking so fast with my thoughts in a flurry my heart beating a mille a minute and my shaky sweaty palms betraying me with every breath I took. I had never felt that around him. These nerves weren’t the good kind. They were telling me that I was going to make another big mistake.
My next mistake was waiting for him. I waited for him to search through the pile of books and hesitantly hovered as he leafed the pages and fingered the spines of each book. When he finished he reluctantly stepped towards me. We walked down one flight of stairs and asked how he was doing. Another flight of stairs and his soft voice says “fine.” Last flight of stairs and he tells me “I thought we weren’t going to talk anymore.”
I knew it was coming. I’ve seen him be annoyed with me before, but this time he was visibly upset. I replied honestly. “I thought you’d like the books.” He thanked me and we made it to the first floor. He then asked if I had something to say. I did. I had a million things to say. I was trying to figure out what he wants. He first said he wanted things to be “light and fun,” but what does that mean!? Of course, my fucking brain just spewed the first thing that it had rationalized that to mean. “Did you just want to be friends with benefits?”
His already stern face shifted slightly as he said, “No.”
He asked me why I didn’t just message him that question, why I felt I had to stop him in person to do it. He was reacting and that’s what I couldn’t see behind messages. I couldn’t get the immediate response that he displayed when I ask him things that throw him off. I told him that it was hard. That I missed him. (Mistake number…I lost count already.) I told him that I could see how annoyed he was with me, that I was making things harder for him and me, and that I understood that we were done. He left and I didn’t go after him.
Twenty minutes later my phone vibrates with a text message alert from him. He asked if what I wanted was to be FWB. It wasn’t. It isn’t “It’s not what you want,” was all I could muster myself to say. That text became another two hour conversation in his car while it rained, thundered, stormed, and hailed outside. Perfect weather and even better for a third breakup. Pseudo breakup? He wasn’t my boyfriend, so not even a breakup. “Zeus is mad.” Yeah, he was upset with me for being so fucking stubborn. All he wanted and is willing to give me is sex. That’s not the problem. The problem is that I actually considered it. I know it’s not what I wanted or something that I could do with him because I so badly want him to be more. I knew that he would never want to be more. And I also knew that he didn’t want to become the type of man that would take advantage of me like that, but he said I was giving him that option. I was making it easy. He was right. The last thing I wanted was to turn someone that I was falling for into something else. I could have loved him. But the version of him that he was giving me wasn’t the man that I wanted.
That was all that I was getting from him. Nothing more. Just sex.
I wanted more. So much more. I entertained the idea for longer, but I knew that I couldn’t do that. He deserved better and I deserved more. I didn’t go back to his place.
This morning, he asked me again to “come over.”
I’m not going.
At this point, I know that he just wants sex. I know that he doesn’t like himself around me and because I’m so willing to take any little bit of him that he’ll give, I make it hard for him not to just offer sex. But he’s not the victim and I’m not going to feel bad for wanting more nor will I accept responsibility for enabling him. If he’s made the decision to be a nice guy for 32 years, there’s no reason why I should come in and change that. I may be temptation, but he’s responsible enough to know not to play that game. Not to play with my emotions, there is no excuse for that. He became that guy. The one that I’d been avoiding. The one that just wanted sex. I understand that.
I also understand that he’s not one dimensional. That while that dark side of him was introduced to me, in the end, there’s so much more.
I don’t think I conveyed that to him. Yes he was being a dick with me in the end, but he wasn’t always one. He stole kisses from me, held my hand, reassured me, talked with me, sang for me, shared his poetry with me, and tried his hardest not to take advantage of me.
I know that there is darkness within all of us and I’m sorry that I exposed his, but I saw the light within him too. The warm and inviting light that he radiates. Hopefully he understands that the reason why I couldn’t/can’t focus on the darkness is because there was so much light within him.
I see that darkness, Jay, but I’m not going to be your excuse to release it.
I’m not going.