@memyselfandi

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“When I first learned that no one could ever love me more than me

a world of happiness previously unseen was discovered
because somewhere along the line of aging and scrutiny and time
I was taught to despise myself
but I made sure I kept myself beautiful so someone would love me someday
so I could belong to someone someday
because that’s the most important thing a little girl could ever want, right?
I was thirteen the first time I was embarrassed about my body
of course it would not be the last
and I remember stuffing my bra in the morning 
with tears stinging my eyes 
hoping, praying to something that I could look beautiful enough today, braces and all, for the ruthless boys
who mercilessly told me I was worthless
because my boobs weren’t big enough
and I would go home and put on a sweatshirt with my eyes closed,
deny myself the right to be shown myself,
because I didn’t dare want to insinuate beauty 
in regards to something so insulting as my body.
But I mean we all end up with our heads between our knees
because the only place we’ll ever truly feel safe
is curled up inside skin we’ve been taught to hate
by a society that shuns our awful confidence and feeds us our own flaws
and sometimes when I need to meet the me that loves me, I can’t find her,
a reminder that the mirror is meant to be a curse so I confine her in my mind 
but when when he or she shouts let me out
we’re allowed to listen.
But it’s met by a chorus of conceited
egotistical 
narcissist 
but since when was self solicitude a sin?
since when was loving who we are made an offense by morons that don’t matter
change this physicality and that one, don’t you shatter the illusion you could ever 
be anything beyond paper fine flesh and flashy teeth and fingernails
echoic accusations of not good enough, never good enough
have you ever felt so numb that it hurts
entertain me
whore
you can’t surrender to them 
you gotta remember you’re the only thing you’ll ever truly have
and no I don’t mean your body because someday it’ll go bad no matter what you do
I mean you
I mean the way your bright eyes go wild when you smile
and how your laughter’s so melodic it’s a song
I mean the way your creativity’s a compass that leads you to what you love
and you don’t need any miracle cream to keep your passions smooth, hair free
or diet pills to slim your kindness down
and when you start to drown in these these petty expectations
you better examine the miracle of your existence
because you’re worth so much more than your waistline
you’re worth the beautiful thoughts you think
and the daring dreams you dream, undone and drunk off alcohol of being
but sometimes we forget that
because we live in a word where the media pulls us from the womb
nurses us
and teaches us our first words
skinny pretty skinny pretty
girls soft quiet pretty
boys manly muscles pretty
but I don’t care whether it’s your gender, your looks, your weight, your skin, or where your love lies 
none of that matters because standards don’t define you
you don’t live to meet credentials established by a madman
you’re a goddamn treasure whether you wanna believe it or not
and maybe that’s what everyone should start looking for.”