A small part of me still wishes that I had pushed my 4th grade gym teacher into the pool; I’d be lying if I said I didn’t hope that the police officer who gave me a ticket the other day subsequently tripped and fell on his face, and I can’t say I haven’t asked the cosmos to give that kid I used to know a burning (but virtually harmless) STD

but you…

I’m trying my hardest to be happy that you’re happy.
Please don’t fuck that up for me.