Last night I dream that Gary and I went to Mardi Gras together. As we were walking down Bourbon Street minding our own business, strolling hand and hand, a balcony of revelers start to chant.. take it off… take it off… take it off… We both realize they are talking to us. After some conversation and debate we decide to partake in this Mardi Gras tradition and flash ourselves for some beads. We count off so we can flash at the same time, 1.. 2.. 3.. up they go! All of a sudden a storm of beads go barreling towards Gary and nothing for me! I’m like WTF is going on? I look around and of course! We are in front of The Bourbon Pub the largest gay bar in the French Quarter! Feeling a bit left out I talk Gary into walking down Bourbon towards Canal Street so that I can get my fair share of round, plastic party favors attached to string.
We come to The Cat’s Meow a Karaoke Bar. All excited I ask Gary if we can go in and duet Set Fire to the Third Bar. Rolling his eyes his says, “Are you kidding me? I’ve had enough of that crap! Let’s go to Molly’s for a pint.” As always, King Gary gets his way and we head down to Toulouse Street towards Molly’s. When we walk in they are play Dropkick Murphy’s, then alcohol happened. Gary takes his shirt off and starts dancing like a giant albatross hopping on stilts. All of a sudden, Gary bends over in a whimper. I walk over to see what happened and his beads have gotten tangled up in his belly hair! As I’m trying to untangle the beads Nathan shows up and suggest we go to Wal-Mart for a home waxing kit.
So off to Wal-Mart we go. As we are in the beauty section trying to decide whether or not we should get the microwave wax, cold wax, etc.. Then the manager, Marty, shows up and says, “No shirt, No shoes, No service.” As the three of us are looking at him confused he repeats his self, “No shirt” as he points to Gary. Then he says, “And the penguin is not wearing any shoes” as he point to Peter. Ugh! I completely forgot that Peter was with us. I’m convinced he’s only there to rub in his Grammy, as it is around his neck dangled from a gold pair of Mardi Beads! Show off!
As we are walking out of Wal-Mart Gary is looking a little sad and down. Nathan puts his arm around him and I explain I know a friend who works at a salon and she can help us with the wax. His says, “No, that’s not the problem. I had Peter for Secret Santa last year and I got him a pair of crocs and he’s not wearing them.” Nathan and I move in for a group cuddle and explain to him that because of the natural habit for penguins the holes in crocs aren’t very comfortable and next year maybe we should all chip in and get him a pair of Uggs. All penguins love Uggs.
We get to the salon and Peter’s cousin Paul is the wax technician. Crazy! As Paul is finishing up with Gary he tells me I might want to get my eyebrows waxed. I tell him I don’t need it. Gary and Nathan give me a look and I’m all like, “WHAT?” Gary and Nathan explain to me that sporting a uni-brow is not very sexy and I should get something done about it. I explain to them that I am allergic to wax and I am not going to do it.
As we leave the salon Gary yells out, “If we don’t hurry up we are going to miss our flight!” I’m like “what flight?” He says, “I have to pick up my Vespa in London because it’s do for an oil change and tune up.” So of to the airport we went.
As we are going through security the TSA agent tells me to come to the side. I ask her why and she says that I have to be searched. I asked her if she was kidding. She assures me she is not. I asked why me and not everyone else. She says because I have a uni-brow and they search everyone with a uni-brow. So I tell Gary I saw an eyebrow threading kiosk when we first came in and asked him if he would come with me. He agrees. We get there and the woman says it is $35 and she only takes cash. I asked Gary if I could borrow $35, as I used my last bit of cash to check my luggage. He scolds me and tells me that as much as we travel you should always bring your bag with you. $35 here and $35 there add up. He tells me that it’s a rip off and could do the same thing with a string from his guitar; you know the black one with the Celt sticker.
So off we go to the family restroom. As he is threading my eyebrows the string snaps and cuts his forehead. As we decide he is too pretty to have an awful scar, Peter suggest we go to the local Emergency Room so that a plastic surgeon can get the wound closed with minimal scarring.
As we are waiting in the room the very same Peter with are with walks in dressed as a doctor. Perplexed Gary and I asked him what he was doing. He says he moonlights as a plastic surgeon when the cover band, Penguin Patrol, is not on tour. Even more perplexed we tell him that we thought the band’s album and singles were doing really well and did not realized he needed a second job. Peter explains to us that he’s not doing it for the money. He’s doing it because he is looking for a wife and nurses are much hotter than groupies. All of a sudden Gary gets really excited and decides he too should moonlight as a plastic surgeon to meet hot nurses and possible find a wife. Peter tells Gary that it takes a long time, 4 years for premed, 4 years for medical school and 4 years of residency. All-in-all it’s going to take 12 years. He says you are already 36, after all of that you won’t be in the hospital until you are 48. By the time you meet a hot nurse, get married and have a baby you might be 50, which means you would be 68 when the baby goes off to college. That’s if you only have 1 kid.
As Peter is finishing up with Gary the nurse walks in with follow up instructions. Sensing Gary is a little down she asks what is wrong and he explains the scenario. She explains there is a huge demand for x-ray technicians and that program is only 6 months long. Gary asks if x-ray tech’s get hot nurse wives like plastic surgeons. She says probably not, but you’ll access to equipment that can see through their uniforms so you can tell what they are wearing underneath.
Gary is now enrolled in the Baton Rouge Community College Radiology Program, as it is all online and does not interfere with the upcoming Tired Pony tour.