It’s weird how like.. trich is something I struggle with a lot but its also part of who I am? Like I want to find a way to cure it, but the thought of not deriving pleasure from pulling hairs just seems alien and wrong to me. It’s quite confusing.
Headcanon: The first time Mycroft woke from a nightmare was the first time he heard Greg sing. He was so shocked at how good his voice was that he forgot what he had been dreaming about and settled down peacefully.
My hair is a garden tenderly cared for day after day; there are gorgeous roses and vibrant daisies. When I look at other people’s gardens, I see that they just admire the garden. I couldn’t do that. When I see a flower with a color I can’t resist, or a texture that captures me, I have to have it.
So I pick the flower.
I hold it in my hands and savor it. The only bad thing is the flowers don’t grow at the rate which I pick them. There are days when patches of my garden are empty or full of buds. Even on those days, I love my garden. I run my hands over the flowers, inspect them, play with them; my garden enchants me.
Some days I worry that my garden isn’t as pretty as other people’s, as big as other people’s, or as full as other people’s. Some days I see my sisters and brothers like me who have to mow down their garden because of fear. Fear of what their family would say. Fear of what others would think. Fear of what they themselves would do. On those somedays, I stand with my brothers and sisters, because we are the only ones who know the true value of our gardens.
As I go through a particularly steep descent into heavy pulling, I’d like to share some of the reminders that help me stay positive even when it feels like I’m giving in completely:
- It truly is not the end of the world to not have hair. - There will be another time in the future where the places I’ve pulled will be totally regrown. That time may be a long way away, and it may not last forever, but it will happen and that’s something to look forward to. - Hating myself for pulling out my hairs will not change my condition, will not prevent me from pulling, and will not have any positive impact whatsoever. - It is okay to feel good and take pleasure from the sensation even if some think of it as self destructive behavior because it’s my body and I’m not actually causing physical damage. - Hair grows back 99.9% of the time. What I look like now is not permanent. - As fantastic as it would be to have and keep regrowth forever, each small victory is worth celebrating and is not diminished by the fact that I may end up starting all over again. - I AM NOT ALONE. There are so many incredible people out there struggling with this and although it is one facet of our lives that may cause great distress, we are so much more than just trichotillomania. - The people who really care about me will want me for more than just my hair.
I hate my trichotillomania.
I hate pulling out my hair.
I hate having bald spots.
I hate not being able to stop.
I hate that no one understands.
I hate that I have to cover my head up all the time and always live in fear that someone will see.
I hate the way it makes me look.
I hate that it destroys my self confidence.
I hate that I’m afraid to develop a relationship with someone because I feel like nobody can love a girl with ugly bald spots.