Shells range from well-kept to shady as hell, so dying here is an iffy bet, but at least it has variety. Usually pretty busy, so your body will probably be discovered quickly therefore taking all the mystery out of it. Conventional, but some people might like it.
Basically just like a less popular Shell, so you have a better chance of kicking the bucket here. The blue hues make for soothing colors to stare at as your ghost lingers there for all eternity.
3. Quik Trip
High quality gas station with endless drinks and snacks. Seat yourself under the soda fountains and drown in sticky disgusting sugar. Excellent place if you want to get up to some poltergeist hijinks in your afterlife.
Some go to heaven, some go to 7/11. Shady enough to feel like you might die any moment, but with a slushee selection that’ll knock your socks off. Perfect place to die if you want to exist in a almost-but-not-quite liminal space.
5. Circle K
As soon as you pull up to Circle K, you’ve already accepted your death. Anyone there is a possible death threat, and everyone there is doing something otherworldly. Extremely possible that all employees are extraterrestrial. Circle K is the ultimate liminal space gas station and the most likely spot to catch Bigfoot out of the woods. Who wouldn’t wanna die there?
1. FAQ: What can you use instead of a yarn bowl? Literally anything. Cups. Bowls. Cookie jars. Your little sisters. The skulls of your enemies.
The floor. The floor makes a fantastic place to put yarn.
Unless it’s the floor of your balcony. Because then the yarn will inevitably fall through the slats and the neighbors get kind of peeved about falling yarn cakes and also, you will absolutely have to throw the rest of your knitting after and then go downstairs and fetch it. Or so I’m told. By other people. Who are not me.
2. Whoever told you DPNs are hard and circular needles are where it’s at is a lying liar who is lying with their pants on fire. DPNs are not hard. Stitches do not slip off. There are no funny gaps. You do not poke yourself all the time. Circular needles on the other hand, exist solely because the devil once had a slow day and thought, “How do you think I could ruin people’s lives in the subtlest way?”
3. No. You never have enough yarn.
4. FAQ: How many projects are too many projects to have going at once? This is a trick question. Do not answer. Demand a lawyer. Or more yarn. Or both. Actually, make sure there is always a lawyer in your knitting circle. As a precaution.
5. All lost needles will be in the sofa. Only people who are not you will be able to find them. With their butts. Call it free acupuntcure, laugh, and offer them enough alcohol to not notice when you apply sutures.
6. You still don’t have enough yarn. Your kids, on the other hand, don’t really need that much lunch money. Or do they, the greedy little bastards?
7. You will never feel as in control of your goddamn mess of a life as when you make a gauge swatch. It is a heady feeling, best experienced sparingly so try not to make one more than once a year.
8. People who say knitting involves math obviously don’t understand you at all and really, if you’d wanted that fucking vest to fit, you would have bought it in a goddamn store and not invested a hundred and twenty bucks, seventy-five work hours, a broken marriage and traumatized children in it, so shut the fuck up and admire it, you asshole!!! ADMIRE IT!
9. Maybe get that yarn bowl after all. And that yarn. They match! You’re practically obligated to buy it now. In fact, buy seven skeins. At least.
10. Look. Patterns are really just society’s way of stifling your creative and free spirit, okay? Burn them. Burn them all.
11. Just take the fucking yarn already! Who cares if you can’t afford it. It’s not like the cops will ever -