Summary: You’d always known that you wanted to fly. The open seemed so inviting from the safety of the rooftop, much like the ocean: the tide lapping gently at your ankles, calling out to you, a soft and soothing voice whispering to you from the void. It convinced you that it would be okay, that it would catch you if you were to fall. Perhaps it would have done so, but thanks to Lin, you’d never know.
A/N: i apologize once again for posting something that isn’t a Kiss it Better update. I’ve been working on the write-a-thon fics all week and haven’t had time to edit kiss it better, oops. this was going to be for the write-a-thon but i realized while writing it that it didn’t really fit into any of the categories so i’m posting it now. also there are titanic and finding nemo references so basically i hate myself, and the title is a song by the 1975, why am i this way
You’d always thought the word ‘overdose’ to be an unnecessarily harsh word, and the reaction it invoked in people was, to say the least, not exactly understanding. Whether it was the word itself, or what the word conveyed that unnerved them, you didn’t quite care. Either way, you’d always known that an overdose wasn’t the way you wanted to go.
No, you wanted to fly. You wanted to hear the whistle of the wind as you fell, feel the sensation of the air rushing by you. You wanted to feel that small ounce of freedom that came with being utterly unattached from everything. Nothing to tie you down or hold you back.
You took a trembling step forward. The open air in front of you called out to you. Much like the sea, the sky seemed to be a source of comfort when you were so distanced from it, with such blatant unfamiliarity with the terrain.
Soft, yet menacing, the wind continued to pull at your frail body, demanding surrender. All you had to do was give in to the tempting pull of the air. Let yourself fall.
Below you, the rest of the world continued on with it’s business. Everyone with their own lives, their own friends, their own loved ones to worry about. And no one to worry about you. Not for that night, at least.
You could fall. You could allow yourself to surrender to the winds and plummet to your death, and the world beneath you would continue on as it was. Nothing would change, not until the next day at least. Not until Lin woke up and saw that you were gone. Not until your parents got the call the next day that you’d jumped from the top of Lin’s apartment building.
It wasn’t that you were sad. It was quite the opposite, in fact. You couldn’t feel anything, let alone sadness. You’d grown numb to the whole ordeal of life, and it seemed as though you were simply putting yourself through the motions of living without the capacity to pay the slightest bit of attention.
You could see the rest of your life stretched out in front of you, a tundra of monotonous greys and whites. Nothing particularly sad, but not the sort of life you’d aspired to live.
As you took a few more steps forward, you became acutely aware of the way the moon shone on you, almost like a spotlight highlighting your every move.
The edge was close. Too close, perhaps. You swayed precariously, knowing that one wrong step could send you plummeting into the open air.
You took a sharp breath in as you peered over the edge of the roof. The city gleamed brightly beneath you, as if mocking you. Telling you that it was your fault that you were so unhappy. If only you’d surrounded yourself with more people, brighter lights, taller buildings.
It was too late for that. No point in finding taller buildings and brighter lights now.
You felt a stab of regret as you prepared to jump. You hadn’t even left a note for Lin. You were going to die, and you hadn’t even bothered to leave something for your boyfriend. You felt as though you owed it to him to explain, but you couldn’t very well go back.
What would you have said anyway? That you couldn’t continue on because you simply didn’t care about anything anymore?
No, perhaps it was best if you kept your thoughts a secret from him. It would have been too hard to try and explain it to him, not to mention the devastation that would accompany seeing the look on his face.
You stood at the edge of the building and took everything in.
The night was silent, the sky dotted with stars.
It was 2:14 am, and the world should have been asleep. At least Lin was.
You let out a soft sort of whimper as you took a few steps back. If you truly intended to do this, you were going to get a running start so you couldn’t stop yourself.
Don’t hesitate. If you hesitate, you’ll start to doubt yourself.
You backed up until you were roughly ten feet away from the edge. You heard a thump from behind you, but you didn’t dare look back.
A soft voice cut through the bitter cold air, disrupting the silence of the night. “Y/N?”
Without having to turn around, you knew without a doubt that it was Lin.
“What are you doing? Are-” Lin’s voice trailed from mere confusion to the deepest understanding. “No! Don’t!”
You’d been certain he was asleep and that he wouldn’t notice your absence until morning, but there was no doubt that the voice belonged to Lin.
You tried to run, a desperate and final attempt to go through with this, but a pair of strong arms wrapped themselves around your waist, preventing you from moving.
“Please,” you whimpered, although you weren’t quite sure what you were asking of him. “Please.” You repeated yourself, repeating the word over and over until it felt foreign in your mouth.
“What are you doing?” Lin’s voice was tinted with the color of worry, a deep red clouding the night. “Were you-”
“Don’t,” you begged, cutting him off. “Don’t say it.”
Your voice was hollow, void of any sort of emotion whatsoever.
Lin held you as you trembled, shaking in from the combination of the cold air and the fear that had taken over not only your mind but your whole body.
“I’m going to take you inside, okay?” Lin spoke in a soothing tone, but it did nothing to make you feel better. “Get you some tea, blankets, whatever you need.”
You nodded, numbness spreading throughout your body. “Please… don’t…” You mumbled into his shirt, tears prickling in your eyes. They were wide, bright, even in the darkness. The shaky breaths that followed were, of course, to be expected.
“It’s okay, Y/N.” Lin brushed your hair out of your eyes. “Are you… are you alright?”
You didn’t bother to justify that question with a response. Lin knew you weren’t alright and there was nothing to be gained from saying it out loud. It was nothing but an empty whisper into the formidable vastness of the night.
Guilt stabbed at your gut as you gazed up at him and saw that his eyes were brimming with tears.
“Don’t cry.” Your voice came out as a hoarse whisper, barely audible, even in the silence of the night. You buried your face in the fabric of his shirt so you wouldn’t have to see him upset, but his body shook as he cried, seeming to shake the earth itself as well.
“I’m so sorry,” he whispered, hugging you tightly. “I should have done something.”
“There was nothing you could have done.” You drew away from him, but he kept a tight grip on you.
“I’m a horrible boyfriend.” Behind Lin’s watery eyes were islands of pain, a stretch of sadness that drew out for miles.
“Don’t say that. You’re not.”
Lin dropped his gaze, refusing to meet your eyes. “You’re shivering,” he noted, his voice shaking despite his attempts to keep it steady.
“It’s- It’s fine,” you replied, but your teeth chattered even as you spoke those two words.
“Let’s get you inside, okay?” Lin’s eyes searched for an answer, but none came. He let his fingers intertwine with yours and walked you back down the steps to the indoors.