:d:dd:d:d

Dear anyone,

Sometimes I wonder how things have become this way. A series of events that seemed to stack like blocks until this fort seemed too big to break down, until it completely surrounded me and no one was allowed in and I wasn’t allowed.

Sometimes I think it was because I was a foolish little girl. Gave my heart away too easily I suppose? Yet I had never had the pleasure of calling anyone ‘mine’. 

Sometimes I think of the first boy who I had ever let myself care for, brown eyes, a small freckle beneath his left eye. Cute. We were young, it was not real love.

Sometimes my mind wanders back to New Years Eve 2014 going on 2015. The night a boy stole my virginity while I was too drunk to give a shit. It’s just a stupid concept anyway. I don’t regret it, but I do regret mistaking lust for adoration or anything alike.

Sometimes I think of that boy who had allowed me to cry in his bed because the world is unfair. And god, his kisses felt a lot like love. But it wasn’t - we both knew that. It was a simple deal. We were friends, so what if we fucked? Friends. Fucking friends. What’s so hard to get? Guess you ruined it when you fell for a new boy.

Sometimes I think of him - how he was making my summer a whole lot less boring. Coincidence to have stumbled upon him but god this was the first time I felt like I could get serious about anyone. ‘I want us to be together.’ He wanted that too.

Sometimes I get a little drunk don’t I? Why did you ruin it? Why did you allow some dirtbag from high school steal kisses in some lousy bar? Guess you can’t stay loyal even if you wanted to, right? 

Sometimes I wonder why I can’t love properly. Why I push people away before they can do it themselves. Having no expectations won’t be a disappointment, right? You don’t know a thing about love.

Sometimes I think this whole thing just isn’t meant for me.

- The girl that is too frightened to love properly.

E,

F*ck you. F*ck you for not being able to understand that you’re hurting me. I’m not asking you to stop talking to him just that you stop doing it in front of me. Do you think I don’t know? And I’ve asked you nicely a couple of times to put your phone down for those 2-3 hours we are with our group of friends every week. I tried to be civil. But it’s like you’re not who you were, and you just don’t give a damn about me and my feelings. And I’m the calm type, but now I’m pissed. I know our deep and meaningful friendship is gone and can’t be fixed now, because you chose him, but at least f*cking try not being so proud that you get to talk to him and I don’t because it makes it so hard for me to be in the same room as you. It really shouldn’t be that complicated. You know at the end of high school I was afraid of loosing you, but now I honestly think I’m better off. How could I not see before that you are this selfish? But it doesn’t matter, I have friends now who’ve been honest and clear about who they are right from the start.

Thanks for the memories, and thanks for ruining them at the end with being so inconsiderate.

D.

PS: If you ever read this tell D that it’s been (20, 26, 38, 46, 53 and now) 55 days since we talked and I’m not sure I wanna talk to him ever again. It’s like you teamed up to ruin my life, but I’m not letting you, so I’m cutting you out of it.