“What if I didn’t care too much? ” he said while looking at her, trying to imagine that she’s someone else. That he’s not asking this question to someone he loves truly—for the fact that he doesn’t want to hurt her. He never wants to cause heartbreak, especially to her. But because he can’t take it any longer, he took a deep breath and continued, “You don’t need to answer me. I just…you know…I just really have to let this out. Because it’s hard. I know you’re not even asking me to care about you this much, you didn’t even ask me to hold you up whenever you feel that you’re about to shatter and fall to the ground. But I care, hell I still care. And you know the only reason why I do. Why I always claim to be—that person who is always on your side—and it doesn’t matter whether you’re on your darkest times or brightest hours. I’ll still be there, to cheer you up when you’re down, and to clap my hands for you, to hug you warmly and to congratulate you every time you achieved something you always wanted.”.
He paused reminiscing all the good and bad times that they were together. He remembered the times she tried pushing him away. But he never left her. Because he knew that time was the moment that she needed him the most.
“Yet now, I wonder. What if I didn’t fall in love with you? Will I still care about you? Will I’m going to be one of those people who left you once they were ignored by you? Will I’m still going to be here—standing firmly next to you? ”. he said. He didn’t wait for her answer, instead he continued saying, “I honestly don’t know what exactly I would do. Because the moment I saw you, I never imagined being away from you. I never saw myself leaving you. I never ever saw myself not caring this much about you. And that’s the reason why—it hurts at the same time.”.
He looked at her just to find her staring back at him. With her eyes so beautiful that the stars weren’t enough to describe the way her eyes shone that night. He slowly grabbed her hands, closing it with his.
And when he looked back at her, both of them have tears in their eyes, as he said “Because the truth is, no matter how hard I try to move my feet miles apart from you, I can’t. I just can’t run away from you.
I don’t think you’re a bad person for leaving.
You knew I needed you, but I know I made it hard for you to be there when I’d push you far away from me.
I don’t blame you for leaving. I know I can be more than a handful at times. My head loves to get the best of me and my paranoia quickly replaced you as my companion.
I’m not mad at you. I just don’t know how to let someone love me at night without expecting them to leave the next morning. That’s why I sometimes cried while we had sex. I didn’t expect you to hold me afterwards. I wanted you to, but god, I was scared.
I wanted you to stay, but I didn’t know how to be okay with it. I didn’t know how to allow you to love the parts of me that I despised.
Above all things, please know that I did love you, but I was just too scared. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I know you did the best you could. I know a person can only take so much.
I guess what I’m left with now is guilt, but I don’t deserve to miss you. I’ll keep quiet for your own sake. I know I am toxic. I know it is time to move on. Please forget me.
I’m not a masochist but I’ve broken my own heart once or twice. You see I knew it would happen the instant I fell in love with you, but I couldn’t help it so I let it happen. And now that I’m stuck here suffering the bittersweet consequences I still don’t regret a single second of it. I can’t and won’t deny that… falling for you was the best thing that has ever happened to me.
And I will continue to adore you until all the love I withhold perishes… not because I would have fallen ‘out of love’, but because I would have given it all to you.