Gerade in diesem Moment hayatim fehlst du mir.
Gerade in diesem Moment würde ich so gerne bei dir sein und in deine Arme liegen, würde so gerne dein gerruch riechen, dein Herzschlag hören und mich so stark wie es geht mich an dich rankuscheln. Wie gern würd ich in deine Arme liegen und deine Hand halten und dir sagen wie sehr ich ohne dich gelitten habe und wie sehr ich dich liebe. Wie sehr würde ich deine Hand nehmen sie auf meinem Herz legen damit du hörst wie sehr es nach dir schreit.
Ich wünscht mir du hättest ne Ahnung wie sehr ich dich liebe, ich wünschte du hättest eine Ahnung was du für mich bist… Ich wünsch es mir so sehr ..
wednesdays are the only day @luciferscoin and I both have off so we went on a date today and I’ve been a giggly piece of shit ever since omg he was so cute… I was kinda annoyed at first cause he was asleep and I had to awkwardly wait outside for him but it was such a great day like. he carried me which I always love and he even did that dumb movie thing where he swept everything off his desk and then set me on it which like I love dumb movie things ok. later we were cuddling watching a horror movie and he kept covering my eyes during the really scary parts and I could hear him whisper “no way I’m letting my baby girl see that”… oh and I stole one of his shirts lol he let me wear it like you’re not getting this back lol. he also tried to get me to play some of his video games which liiiike I sucked ok he ended up trying to help me but I suuucked lol. there was one part where he started getting kinda idk cause I wasn’t in the best mood and he started worrying that something was wrong and I didn’t think anything was but he started saying that I’ve been so mad lately which honestly is true things haven’t been the best lately but they’ll get better like he said they’d get better and even just in that day they did. we went out later and he drove this was the first time I’ve seen his new car and he preordered my pokemon moon lol like he kept trying to buy me shit all day omg he bought me harry potter candy later (he let me keep his card from his chocolate frog)(also he got a harry potter tattoo it’s so cool oh my god I kept accidentally hitting it but oh my goood it’s the deathly hallows and I couldn’t stop staring at it I love it). and he was just cute he kept pulling me into him or calling me cute names or saying how good I looked or just idk he was kinda nervous during parts but it was still great. and we got lunch which then I was nervous but still he was sweet. but I liked that we could still joke around like biting lemons (they were limes) or making fun of each other and shit. idk what my favorite part was but it was a good day very good day
I can’t believe you’re coming back. You’re coming back. It hasn’t sunk in yet. I can’t wait to see you. I’m afraid it’ll feel the same and I’m afraid it’ll feel different. I’d managed to stuff you into a distant corner of my brain, because thinking about you constantly for more than a year would have killed me. See you soon.
you know I can tell you’re actively ignoring me. I saw a notification today while I was on my phone that you liked my photo, and when I went to the app it was gone. you realized your mistake and unliked it. is this supposed to be apart of your “healing” process, ignoring me only because it hurts you to think of how much you’d like to be with me when it’s not possible? or has your love suddenly turned to hate? you worry me.
I actually remember the date, it was june 4th. I just graduated. we planned on spending the majority of the day together, the two of us downtown. we explored what the pride festival had to offer. we teased each other as we passed booths filled with leather, and collected pins and stickers and even condoms (I grabbed a blue one because blue is your favorite color. I still have it in my wallet.) we even saw a couple of the local bands play, and you brought me in close and held my hands and twirled me even though everybody was sitting down and staring. I didn’t care at all, I was so happy! you bought tickets weeks in advance to see perfume genius with me, even though there wasn’t so much as an actual crowd at the festival. we held hands and he kept smiling at us, the two long-legged-hetero-what-are-they-doing-here-lovers. it was nothing less of magic!
after looking every booth twice over we decided it was time to ditch and went about the city. we found a tiny tiny building on one of the campuses of the college I’m now attending, and to its side a concrete pit. being the true adventurer you are you dived right in the 10 foot tall pit! I couldn’t because of my slippery shoes but you entertained me anyway. we then got coffee at some place I’d never seen before and still haven’t seen since. I tried teaching you what little I knew about coffee and we talked about conspiracy theories.
we still had some time to kill by the time we got to my house, so I grabbed my nail polish and we headed to my favorite park. it was dark outside. we sat on a bench and you painted blue and purple squiggles and dots on my nails, and I to yours. just like any other time, we started kissing but it got intense. we decided to take it to a nice tree and made out. when we got in your car to go home, you told me “I dedicate this song to you!” and played open by rhye. I’d never heard the song before. I laughed at the lyrics “I’m a fool for your belly” and it’s been something we’ve referred to ever since.
I pass that park nearly everyday on my way to school. it rushes by too fast, but I always try to get a glimpse of the tree.
you probably ignore me because it hurts to miss me. I miss you too, but I think we should keep things more neutral.