I just met with my father. He isn’t willing to get std tested, cognitive tested or refrain from making sexist comments because he would resent me. I said I need 90days of no contact to think about things and to observe how he is acting.
His selfishness knows no bounds right now. He insists he hasn’t changed the past 3 years and any issue I had with our relationship with brought on by me. He claims to have always reached out to me and claims I refused to see him these past 3 years.
I can’t work with someone who is completely rewriting the past to suit his present narrative.
And seriously, he will resent ME? That’s just fucked up.
Today–July 1, 2015– is 90 days in recovery. 90 days clean. 90 days I wasn’t sure I was ever guaranteed. 90 days spent with friends and family and making new friends and family. If you asked me a year ago, I’d tell you I wasn’t an addict I didn’t have a problem, but I did. I do. And I’m working on it every day.
This is me after eating a ham and cheese omelet for breakfast, a ham and cheese sandwich for lunch with half a mango and half a Digornio’s pizza, a handful of mini kit kats, half a pint of strawberry sorbet for dinner.
It was my cheat day and let me tell you, I gained a pound and this is my food baby belly, haha. I just woke up and hadn’t gone to the bathroom yet.
30 seconds 8/10 (did two rounds of this = about 5 minutes of warm-up)
Exercise: Bike on level 10
60 seconds 8/10 (speed), then 60 seconds of 3/10 (speed) immediately after. Repeat.
I did this for 24 minutes, or 12 rounds, without a break. Then a two minute cool down.
I feel great! I had an awesome, filling dinner before I went to the gym: grilled chicken salad, veggies with a little rice, and Jell-O! This week is going much better then last, only I won’t have access to the gym on Thurs or Fri, and I’m a little worried about that. I ordered 10lb dumbbells and had them mailed home so I would have them for Thanksgiving, but they haven’t gotten there yet.
Oh, this is the first time I’ve worked out at night since I’ve started. Now I’m debating if I like working out in the day or night better. Hmm.
Today is the 90th day. I’m doing it. I feel so much stronger this time. My goals are in my sights and I’m absolutely unstoppable. Nothing is more important than my sobriety and my success. I used to get excited to drink, but now I’m just excited about the present and what my future holds. There is so much to live for, but it doesn’t materialize over night. Self-care is so fucking important and I don’t care how long it takes you, but every person on this planet needs to take the time to think about what that means to them and what they have to do to make sure they are giving themselves an outstanding level of care. My addiction is no longer an affliction it is now a source of gratitude. I’m living with my eyes wide open now and there’s so much to see with this new found clarity. I am so proud to say that I no longer want to escape my life, I’ve never been so excited to be alive.
I think I figured out what the plan is! But first, I must tell you about my workout. Today I went to the track, again, and decided to just run. To forget about running the bleachers, and to just run around the track. I did just that, and I ran two whole miles without stopping! That’s something that has NEVER been done before. Not even in high school when I was on the dance/cheer/swim team! And my pace was 10'18"/mi. Whoo!
Numbers aren’t everything! Although I haven’t seen a huge difference in my appearance, or on the scale, I feel so much better about myself. My confidence has boosted, and I’m always in a good mood after my workouts. Just to know that I’m becoming more fit, and that I’m eating healthier makes me feel better.
So, the plan is to keep running. I’m just gonna head down to the track and run. As time goes by, I hope to see improvement in my time and distance. Oh, and my weight. Lol. I’ve always said I wanted to become more of a runner, so that’s what I’m gonna do. And hopefully I’ll be able to run the perimeter of my school at some point.
Personality: Greylin is extremely sheltered and shy. She’s quite easily embarrassed and naive. Greylin is loving, kind and friendly. She is of average intelligence and incredibly selfless when it comes to her family and friends. Greylin isn’t very patient, somewhat temperamental and she hates liars.
Parents: Lauren (deceased) and Matthew Manchester. Widowed.
Siblings: Garrison (brother, 19) Grant (brother, 21)
I did NOT feel like working out today. But, I thought about my December goals, about how much I want to lose weight, and I made myself go to the gym. I was only going to do like 20 minutes on the bike. But when I walked in, the treadmills right at the entrance were empty, and the bikes just past that were all taken. So I hopped on the treadmill instead. I jogged for 20 minutes and walked for 2. It was a better workout than I was expecting to have.
Directly after, I had a filling dinner: spinach salad, vegetable rice, and jell-o. Jell-o is one of my favorite desserts. Although it’s super processed, it’s super light and tasty. I never feel guilty after eating it.
So far this month, I’ve worked out for 6 days straight. I’ve never worked out for so many days in a row. I’m not going to take a break until Sunday, because I want Sundays to be my rest days, which will give me a 10 day streak.
Unfortunately, I didn’t make today my best day. But it definitely wasn’t my worst day.
In dating (and I suppose in the workforce, ha), I think 90 days is a good amount of time to realize whether or not it’s working and if you want to stay on board to see where the ride goes or if you’re sufficiently nauseous and ready to get off. No sense in investing more time and energy if you felt you were just ‘being nice’ and enjoying the free dinners. But you know sometimes when you break it off and they’re totally confused and saddened and then they start doting on you and telling you all things you’ve been wanting to hear for the last few months and suddenly you wonder if you’re making a big mistake? It’s an unsettling feeling to doubt your intuition but you can’t back out now and as much as you want to- RUN don’t walk, as fast as you can, away from the break-up sex. Especially since you’re the one who initiated this. Ugh, that’s a real mofo. As the evening comes to a close and my head is full of doubt and wonder if maybe 90 days isn’t enough? Maybe this could have been something? He walks me to me car and says:
Him: “Please promise me one thing…”
Me: “Depends, but sure.”
Him: “Plug in your hard drive and back up your mac every couple of days. I really care about your computer.”
Riiiiiiiiiiiight….well, I guess any notion of doubt has now been lost and all is restored in my sense of self. Another one bites the dust….Is noon too early for a cocktail?
going from eating diet coke, mainly carbs, and a lot of bread and sugar to meat, veggies, eggs, and healthy fats is not easy. i have the self control and will power, it’s just the fact that my body isn’t happy. it’s craving all of those unhealthy foods and not used to the healthy foods yet. that’s the worst part of it all. it usually takes a few days for me to start feeling awesome again. the first few days of eating healthy again usually involve a lot of naps. my body is tired. it doesn’t know how to function without the unhealthy food. it’s the same as if my body was addicted to cigarettes and i decided to quit one day. your body just isn’t happy.
because of that, i didn’t feel up to being very “loving” today. i tried my best, but being an introvert and then adding on the extra exhaustion from my body made it really hard. every smile and extra effort to make someone else feel good felt like running 100 miles. i’ll try again tomorrow.
today i took a tour of the crossfit place i am joining and it was great. everyone i ran into said hi to me and it felt very welcoming. i have my first training session tomorrow and i’m very nervous. weight lifting is something very foreign to me. i have always been a cardio person. i think it’ll be a good challenge for me, but i still have that fear.
one last thing…today i felt those negative thoughts creeping back. i felt really exhausted during work today and wasn’t really joining in to a lot of conversation and i just felt bad about myself. i felt like an outsider. i felt like i was a broken person because i am so bad at talking. i get mad at myself a lot for being introverted. for not being able to keep up with conversation in group settings. but the important thing, i think, is that when these negative thoughts started showing up, i recognized them and tried my best to shove them aside. which is something new! and hopefully a step in the right direction.
also, thank you to all of the support i’ve gotten since starting this journey. i feel so loved! i’ve already gotten so many messages saying that i’m an inspiration or that they’re praying for me. i feel really happy, so thank you guys!!!!