90’s

Cook County, IL

Hello Friends! Yesterday was my last day of school before exams, a generally hectic time. This week’s Certified Dank™ McMansion (Friday Edition) comes to us from the home of some of America’s most beautiful architecture, and the city of Chicago: Cook County, IL. 

Man, for all the incredible buildings in Cook County, y’all have some real doozies. It was a hard decision this week, especially because y’all have some of the most impressive vintage 80s interiors in history. But since I secretly like that stuff, I opted for something a little more…bland and ugh. 

This 1991 treasure is a whopping 7,000 square feet and selling for close to 2 million USD. Without further ado: 

The Cathedral of Wasted Space

My suspicion is that Martha Stewart’s grandmother decorated this house. 

Sitting Room One

How much does vintage chintz go for on Etsy these days? 

Sitting Room Two

That weird fake/whitewashed “bamboo” furniture is an interesting interior design phenomenon not looking to make a comeback anytime soon. 

Sitting Room Three

The bonus of that maple/whitewashed furniture is that you can’t really tell when it’s been sunbleached. 

Kitschy Kitchen

On another note, how many white countertops like this are even left in the world? 

The Master Bedroom

Dream Job: vintage wallpaper designer. The goal is to make a room look as unsettled and busy as possible 

The Master Bathroom

How much water do you think it takes to get that shower room sufficiently warm? Also the dedication to matching throughout this house is definitely to be admire. My socks don’t even match today. 

Bedroom Two

((POLITICAL JOKE)) ((APOLOGIES))

Bathroom Two: Revenge of the Tub

Sorry mom about the kitchen comment - I’m actually nostalgic for those simpler times with more complex wallpaper. Also sorry bout that tub comment; I’m a little nihilistic these days, as is every college/grad student in the country right now. 

Bedroom Three

Long since gone are the days where our wall art coordinated with our matching lamps and carpet. Simpler times, my friends. 

Sad Upstairs Oddly-Shaped Dumping Ground

I think I have that Pottery Barn catalog somewhere.

Even Sadder Basement

Lonely Hearth just wants someone home for Christmas. :( 

Finally, our favorite and final part of the tour: 

Rear Exterior

I find the landscaping more pleasant than the house. 

Well that does it for this week’s Certified Dank™ McMansion! Fair warning: Sunday’s post might be postponed due to the end of the year exams. Then, it’s winter break and boy do we have some goodies for you, including a McMansion Hell Hall of Shame. 

If you like this post, and want to see more like it (plus get cool swag like stickers and exclusive content), consider supporting me on Patreon! Not into recurring donations? Check out the McMansion Hell Store - 30% goes to charity. 

Copyright Disclaimer: All photographs in this post are from real estate aggregate Redfin.com and are used in this post for the purposes of education, satire, and parody, consistent with 17 USC §107.

Mutants, menaces & dudes from Dimension X, oh my! 

Here’s an exclusive look at Dave Perillo’s TMNT print that will be featured at Mondo Gallery’s show dedicated to classic Nickelodeon content, starting today, Friday, December 9, from 7:00 – 10:00pm at the Mondo Gallery in Austin, TX (4115 Guadalupe St). The show will run through Saturday, December 17.

Visit the Mondo official site & social handles for more information:
Website:       MondoTees.com
Twitter:         Twitter.com/MondoNews
Facebook:     Facebook.com/MondoTees
Instagram:   Instagram.com/MondoTees

Talvez meu maior erro foi depositar em ti todas as expectativas que colecionei ao longo desse nosso tempo, que passa por tantos ciclos, e em todas as viradas, eu penso enxergar o fim. É difícil enxergar esse fim todas as vezes, sempre fico com o coração ofegante de desespero. O tempo passou pra gente sem se quer deixar um aviso do que viria depois de passarmos por tudo… Um bilhete, sabe, já seria o bastante, um “Olha seus otários eu tô deixando vocês se resolverem sozinhos. Fui.”. Nem isso. Às vezes me pego pensando  nos termos mais obscuros como “Trouxa” “Idiota” e eles se encaixam perfeitamente comigo em relação a você. Procuro saber de você mesmo você nem lembrando da existência deste ser aqui, é muita esperança ou muita “trouxice” que nem diz os seres humanos por ai? Às vezes penso seriamente em deixar tudo que passamos para trás, simplesmente esquecer, mas por idiotice minha fico aqui, pensando dez mil e quinhentas vezes em cada chance se nos dei. Não dei chances apenas pra você, dei chances pra nós, eu sempre via um nós no meio de cada briga, de cada discussão, de nada palavra mal dita, em cada lágrima que derramei, sempre vi um nós em tudo isso e não apenas ou você e eu separados. Sempre tive a esperança de que passaria, que nossos nós seriam atados novamente, mas pelo visto, apenas eu acredito nisso… é difícil lutar por algo sozinha, é complicado esperar sempre o melhor e receber essas palavras meia boca, é loucura!!! Sim, mais uma vez, eu deveria ter desistido, mas esse seu sorriso, ah, mas que droga, a pior droga de todas, sua falta me dói tanto.
—  Escrito por Lorrayne, Leticia S., Bianca e  Aline em Julieta-s