8th row


i love you red hair, see you real soon.

louisiana gothic
  • “wow, sure is humid,” you say, looking around. everyone agrees. this is the 8th day in a row you have said this. it’s always humid. everyone knows it’s humid. there’s water everywhere. you’re drowning
  • a nervous hum rides over the school students, everyone murmuring. the voice of one comes up, “it’s going to get in the 20s to 30s tonight. school might be cancelled.” everyone’s hoping. it’s so cold. everyone’s cold. please help
  • it doesn’t snow.
  • “there’s a tropical storm watch,” somebody in your class says. nobody’s surprised. there’s always a storm watch. it’s raining. somebody laughs in the distance. nobody cares
  • when you awoke, you stepped outside, numb to the cold winds suddenly howling against your body. you bundle up, ready for the cold day and the cold rise of the sun. 9 hours later, you arrive outside in the heat of the afternoon. it’s 79 degrees. the sun beats down on you, laughing at your misery. the wind is non existent. the humidity sits in the air, stifling and wet. this happens every day, but nobody learns.
  • a student stands up, looks around. he’s committed, and confident. “obamacare,” he says, “is the leading problem of today’s society.” fuck, you hate that guy.
  • there are two different types of people in your school. half have thick southern accents and plans to go to college in state. they have few plans beyond that. they’re planning on going hunting this weekend. you ask the other half where they plan to go to college. “anywhere,” they say, “anywhere other than here, please, god. please let me leave, i want to leave. save me, god.” you agree.
  • when you were in middle school, you heard the sound of girls laughter echo around the classroom. you ask what they’re laughing about. they smile and gush, “me and all my friends went to the church youth party together yesterday.” you are scared
  • it’s summer. it’s so hot. please save us. it’s so hot. it’s so hot. it’s so h

Oh god, this is my 8th year in a row of trying to find somewhere stable and not completely batshit to live.

That’s a slight exaggeration because my current place is “permanent”, but the hellish things started a month after I moved in and they started threatening to sell about a year after that so I have never been settled here.

six shots

this one’s a bit longer, got a little bored….hope someone likes it

The door slammed shut for the 8th night in a row at 3 a.m. Expensive boots were scuffed off, banging on the floor carelessly. Lennon rolled her eyes from the couch, standing up. Any other night she would’ve just laid in bed, pretending to be asleep and deal with him in the morning. But she had snapped. He was moving lethargically forward, no doubt searching for the stairs. She walked over to the lights, and flicked them on abruptly, receiving a groan from Harry.
“Bloody Hell Lennon, what the fuck are you doing” he said, voice slightly raised. Lennon only squinted her eyes.
“You reek of whiskey” she stated, crossing her arms.
“Okay?” he said, rubbing his forehead from what she presumed to be the start of an awful headache. Anger rose within her body.
“This is the eighth night in a row you’ve come home trashed from God knows where. Every time I ask you where you went you roll your eyes at me, and get all pissy. But I’ve had it. Where the fuck were you Harry, where the fuck have you been going?” she seethed, eyes blazing at his.
“Oh my god” he groaned, tilting his head back in annoyance, “here we go again. You can’t fucking trust me for one single second, can you?”
“I fucking trust you, Harry. I just don’t need a boyfriend who comes home from somewhere he won’t tell me about with people he fails to ever mention drunk every single night”.
“What, you think I cheated on you? Is that it? Give me a break and stop being so fucking clingy” he shouted. His voice was loud, and Lennon winced a bit.
“Clingy? You think this is clingy? You think me worried about where you’ve been when you refuse to tell me anything is clingy? You’re out of your damn mind. People tell eachother things in relationships, unless they have something to hide”.
“THEN MAYBE I HAVE SOMETHING IM HIDING FOR FUCKS SAKE” he yelled, stepping towards her. She flinched back, closing her eyes. Never had he ever raised his voice that loud. Tears welled her eyes, and when she turned her head back to him he look mortified. His eyes widened at what he had said, his stance shrinking within him.
“L-Lennon” he stammered, stepping forward again only to have her step back, “Baby, you….did you….did you think I was going to hit you?”
Lennon stood there silently looking down. The tears were now staining her face. Truthfully, she didn’t know why she had cowered away. She knew he’d never dare lay a hand on her, but then again his voice was loud, and he’d been so distant the past 2 weeks, what was she to think.
“Baby, look at me” he pleaded, moving his hands to her cheeks. Her eyes met his. She took his hands off her face, and brushed past him.
“Lennon” he called as she walked up the stairs, reaching out to grab her arm.
“Don’t touch me” she snapped swiveling around, “if you have something to hide than keep it hidden. I don’t want anything to do with you anyways”.
She ran the rest of the way up the stairs, slamming the bedroom door shut, locking it afterwards. Sobs racked through her chest, knees pulled up to her chin as she sat on the plush mattress. She was lying. She would never truly be done with Harry. But she was certainly done with him right now. A few hours had passed, Lennon now tucked beneath the covers with a tear streaked face, when Harry’s soft knocks were heard. Her eyes were closed, but she wasn’t asleep. He didn’t need to know that though. After a few minutes the door knob fiddled, and alas the door itself opened, Harry tossing a paper clip to the floor as he made his way over. He crouched down in front of Lennon’s face, taking his hand to brush her hair back softly.
“Lennon” he cooed, “Baby please wake up”.
Against her better judgement, she fluttered her eyes open slowly, meeting a puffy faced Harry staring at her sadly.
“There she is” he whispered. His breath smelt like mint, and she knew he had just brushed his teeth, most likely desperate to rid himself of the alcoholic taste and smell. Or the burning he felt when he had shouted at her. His thumb continued its strokes across her face, mouth searching for the right words.
“I am so sorry” he began, bringing his other arm up to grasp her hand, “I’ve been so shitty lately. Proper shitty. I’ve been the worst boyfriend ever, and I wish I could tell you why but I can’t. I hate myself for it. I’m not hiding anything from you, nor have I ever, and nor do I ever want to. I think I was just in a rut, and thought drinking would clear away all my issues. But I know I was wrong, so wrong, and I made a huge mistake, one in which hurt you terribly. Something I swore I’d never do. And believe me, baby, when I say I will spend the rest of my life hating myself for it. I would never even think of cheating on you, the thought itself makes me sick. Truthfully sick. I am so sorry I shouted so loud, as soon as it happened I regretted it. I felt like I had just downed sick shots, my throat burned so bad. I love you Lennon, I really really do. And I don’t want to lose you, and I know if I do it’s my own fault, but baby please, I can be better. I will be better. Please, don’t leave me. I love you so God damn much, and I know you deserve so much better than me, but I’m a selfish prick and I’ll beg forever and ever for you to just stay here with me. Please”.
Harry was now in full tears, his hand squeezing hers. She moved her own up to his face, taking his cheek in her palm. He leaned in, closing his eyes at the touch.
“Harry, you scared me” she whispered, tears pricking her eyes again.
“I would never hurt you. I would never touch you. When you flinched back I felt like someone had stabbed me. Please Lennon, I swear that wasn’t ever my intention and never will be. Even in my drunkest state I would never”
“Shhhh” she hushed, pressing her thumb to his lips, “I know baby, I know. Your voice was just really loud and it startled me. I know you’re sorry, and I know you hate yourself. I see that. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t really hurt, because I was. You were so distant from me, it nearly killed me inside. But I’m not leaving you. I won’t ever leave you Harry Styles. I love you too much to do so.”
An erratic sob shoved out of Harry, as he stood up, snuggling himself into the bed with her. He wrapped his arms around her tightly, careful not to let her go. He pressed a light kiss a top her head, resting his chin after.
“You’re too good for me, Lennon” he said, rubbing the back of her head.
“I don’t think so” she replied, kissing his collarbone. He sighed softly, pulling back to see her face. Their foreheads pressed together, eyes locked in intensity.
“I won’t ever lose you” he whispered lowly, right before smacking his dry lips to her soft ones in a rhythm she knew and loved so much.

Motivational email is literally Hitler.

We’re in our busy season at work which usually means about 8-10 hours of overtime a week with the occasional voluntary Saturday. This spring has been awful however: 16 hours OT every week with mandatory Saturdays. This week marked the 8th Saturday in a row I had to come in. Time off requests have been denied (except for the supervisors) and one mother was forced to miss her child’s graduation.

Additionally, management has been extremely tone-deaf in their communications to us: no empathy for the sacrifices we’re making (I have a legally disabled wife at home along with a 2 year old force of nature toddler and many of my coworkers are single mothers) and their emails are motivational cliches about working harder.

So when my supervisor asked us to submit our favorite motivational quotes, I saw my chance. So far, he has forwarded quotes I’ve submitted (unattributed) from Hitler, Stalin and Chairman Mao to the entire department. I’m working on finding a usable Pol Pot quote for tomorrow.

Maybe one day I’ll be able to look at a coffee without thinking of your brown eyes, or listen to Twenty One Pilots and not think back to the nights we spent up playing Call Of Duty: Zombies and listening to their albums for hours because I was shit and you found it cute, maybe slow dancing to Bohemian Rhapsody will just be another stupid thing, maybe one day I’ll go to bed without crying because I can’t text you and tell you how much I love you or how much I miss you cuddling me until I go to sleep.
—  That day is not today, so I won’t have a coffee tomorrow morning for the 8th day in a row, I’ll continue to skip Twenty One Pilots on my playlist, I’ll think of the you adorably awkward way you placed your hands while dancing to Bohemian Rhapsody when I hear it and I’ll go to bed crying as I delete the message that reads ‘Goodnight, I love you so much gorgeous.’ and hope that I’ll fall asleep before it all becomes too much again and I fall apart.
[Fanaccount] INFINITE EFFECT LONDON 091015

So you have already heard about the terrible pushing, fighting, even strangling and the queuing and how horrible the entire experience was at IE London. I’m just going to focus on the good stuff that happened because to me, that’s more important, although I’d have preferred to come away with just good memories, not bruises.

So even before the concert, I saw Sungyeol and Sunggyu arriving at the venue in a slick black car (the others went in through a different door on the other side). I didn’t quite see Gyu properly but I saw Sungyeol clearly and nearly fainted (from surprise and happiness). I kept saying to my friend, “They’re real, they’re real!”

Once inside the venue, I thought I was doing well. I started out in the 7/8th row from the front and I had a good view. I was having fun singing along to the songs – their mvs were playing. It was nice, no pushing and I thought it was not bad. How wrong I was. But I digress, just the positives.

But before going into it, let me tell you something. If you’re lucky enough to have INFINITE going to your country, make sure you go to the concert. Just do it and I swear you won’t regret it. You might be broke for months after and you might be exhausted from queuing and such but I promise you won’t regret it. Going to IE London was the best decision I made and the most memorable incident in my life.

One more thing – if you have never seen INFINITE in real life, you don’t know what you’re missing. Seriously, the HD photos, the 1080p videos – they do not do justice to INFINITE’s beauty. They are way more gorgeous in real life. They are like actual sculptures. So if you think you know how handsome INFINITE are, you’re wrong – it’s their pictures and videos multiplied by 100.

I can tell you exactly what happened in sequence because I can still see it happening if I close my eyes (except for certain periods where I blacked out) but that would make this fanaccount into a novel so I’ll just go for the highlights.

Eye contact list: I went to the concert with one goal – eye contact with Sungjong. Sadly, no eye contact with Sungjong. He focused on the first row mainly and I was disappointed. I saw him wink and smirk at the people in the first row and I was in shock. Maybe it was a good thing he didn’t look directly at me because I don’t know what I’d have done if I was receiving his wink. I wonder what happened to the girls who were on the first row – I’m sure they have all come out of the concert as Sungjong fans. I know a girl who was a Myungsoo stan but after the concert converted to a Sungjong stan. And seriously, if Sungjong winks at you like that, what are you supposed to do? He came to the front of the stage, he winked. He winked during his parts and that smirk….aaaargh. He was the angel and the devil at the same time. I actually needed time to recover from his flawlessness. He seemed determined to make the first row fall for him (and I’m sure they did).  And his laugh…he laughed mainly because of Sungyeol (during Heartbeat and Cover girl, there were YeolJong moments which made Sungjongie laugh – thanks Sungyeol). But seriously, Lee Sungjong is the textbook of perfection.

The greatest disappointment I have in this concert is not getting eye contact with Sungjong. Honestly, I was staring at him so hard. I stared at him for 30% of the concert without looking at anyone else but still no luck. But I think he noticed me though (I had a Sungjong headband) and I’ll tell you why later.

Hoya looked in my general direction and it would have been an eye contact if he didn’t have those stupid sunglasses on. Dongwoo also looked in my direction but no eye contact.
The first eye contact I had was Woohyun during Love Letter (I had been pushed to the 4th row by then). He smiled at and it was such a beautiful smile. But seriously though, Woohyun was so good. He made eye contacts with a lot of people, smiled at them, did aegyo. And guess what I did when he looked at me – I looked away!!!! I got shy and I looked away. I acted like a stupid shy schoolgirl being stared at by her crush and LOOKED AWAY!!!! I hate myself for that. But at least I prepared myself for the next eye contact. Which was Sunggyu. It was more like he was laughing at a group of us who were making finger hearts for him and then BAM, our eyes meet! But his laughter is so cute. And his eye smile – argh, I totally melted. Whatever anger I had towards him washed away.

The next eye contact was Sungyeol and he didn’t smile at me. He kind of stared for half a second but he looked a little mad. The thing is, all the members were worried about the situation in the stalls and they were all trying to hide it and be professional – some did better than the others. Like with Sunggyu did really well to mask his surprise and worry but it was evident that Sungyeol was worried. He smiled and did fanservice but from time to time he was looking at the crowd with a worried expression. They had the best view of the absolute mess that was going on at the stalls. I felt so embarrassed.
Anyway, the next eye contact was Myungsoo. He stared at me with that L look in his eyes for 2 full seconds. He didn’t smile but he was going for the seductive burning glare so I don’t mind.

Couple stuff: There wasn’t much really, or at least I didn’t see much. There was some YeolJong as I mentioned before. Dongwoo tried to strip Myungsoo once. During H performance, YaDong happened. But apart from that, they wasn’t anything. The reason is probably because they were too busy worrying about the fans who were going through Hunger Games at the pit.

One thing I will say, the members looked out for the fans. I spoke to a girl who fainted and Hoya called the security for her. Dongwoo also over. They were being really professional, trying to keep the show going. They were considerate too, cutting the show short, not doing the plushie and paper planes thing. Honestly, if the show lasted for 5 more minutes, I’d probably have fainted. I wanted to keep seeing INFINITE for as long as possible of course but I think it was in the stalls fans’ best interest that the show was cut short. They changed really quickly and everything.

I couldn’t see all the members at once so instead I just stared at whichever member was right in front of me. So I’ll briefly go through the highlights of each member.

Woohyun - Woohyun is so sweet and nice. In fact, if Sungjong hadn’t been so stunning, I would have come out of that concert a Woohyun stan. But anyway, he still managed to win my heart. He did so much aegyo especially to the front row fans. There was a fanboy there and Woohyun showered him with fanservice. Some fans gave him their phone for a selca but instead he decided to mess with them and pretended to take the fans’ picture (I’m not sure if he really took their picture). Throughout the concert, he was adorable. During Love Letter, he was acting out the words with expressions; seriously, he is super sweet and genuinely connected with the fans. During his solo, he came out in that super hot jacket, stood right at the front and sang his lungs out. The veins in his neck aaaaaah. And then he suddenly jumping around, bouncing wildly and enthusiastically. His energy was no joke but I loved every second of the performance.  Unfortunately, a fan fainted right in front of him and had to be carried away. He was so shocked, his voice actually wavered for a bit but he kept singing and smiling. Anyway, I would go as far as to say his solo stage was one of the best performances of the night. It was my most favorite solo/subunit performance even though I love F to bits and Kontrol is my jam. Sorry guys, best solo/subunit perf goes to Namcheese.

And his nose….ohh his perfect, perfect nose. Once again, the pictures don’t do his nose justice. It’s so sharp and straight and perfect – no joke guys, his nose is insane!

Dongwooo - He was such sunshine and energy. He’s like a cartoon character, bouncing about looking energetic smiling widely and trying to convince fans with aegyo to stop pushing. He called us “Baby and cuties to persuade us to not push. At one point, he asked the fans to take three steps backward. Woohyun had to actually count for us, “One, two, three.” And then Dongwoo went, “No, you can’t step to the right, step back.” Still the pushers…argh. Anyway, Dongwoo also did loads of fanservice and was nice to the people on the levels. He was really adorable. Hoya didn’t dance at all and I feel like Dongwoo danced with twice more energy to make up for his missing partner. He even covered Hoya’s dance break in Sorry, I’m busy.

Hoya - Poor guy looked sad that he couldn’t dance. And I do feel sorry for him. I know people tend to focus more on the performance so Hoya was bit lonely by himself sitting down. But the fans chanted his name and I hope it made him happy. He made us do the ‘I say Ho you sa Ya’ only once, during Nothing’s Over. Goes to show that they were indeed hurrying and they didn’t want to waste any time. Hoya’s another person who couldn’t mask his worry for the fans too well.

Sunggyu smiled at fans a lot. And I mean a lot. He’s gorgeous though. He seemed really cute with all the smiling. His best English of the night:

SG: Do you speak English?

Fans: Yes

SG: But I don’t speak English.

Then continues the speech in English.

He also said, “Because I love you and you love me.” So cute! Kontrol was an amazing stage and Sunggyu probably had the most fans because the fanchant during Kontrol was though the roof. Everyone shouted ‘Kim Sunggyu’. He, along with Hoya, L, and Sungyeol seemed the most popular.

Sungyeol – Brownie points for him for making Sungjong laugh. He was really nice, he held out the mic to fans to sing, touched their hands, took selcas. And smiled loads. But at times he looked worried. He also seemed to be keeping an eye out for fans in the stalls. His live singing is so great though. Anyone who sees him singing live can’t say he’s a bad singer. He was really good. Oh and when he danced, I could see how defined his arm muscles were. Good job Yeollie, good job.

Myungsoo – Myungsoo was actually being cute. He did some of the familiar poses – the cat smile and the victory sign with eyes closed. And he did some L-like staring. Don’t forget the cheesy – “I’m your boyfriend, L.”

But I guess I now know why Myungsoo is considered the visual. He actually looks the same as in the pictures and videos. I guess cameras can capture his full beauty, unlike the other members, who are a lot more gorgeous in reality.

Sungjong - Finally Sungjong. What can I say? Did I mention he winked and smirked and killed off everyone? Seriously I wanted to cry because he was being so charming but he was serious with the seducing business. He made some bruises for sure (good ones). He threw towels, two in a row at first. Then, remember how I said I think he noticed me? I’m saying this because he threw a towel during Entrust in my direction. I know because he took his time throwing, not like the first two where he just randomly threw them. The third one was planned – you could see it. He had it ready in his hand and he was waiting for an opportunity and then he threw (and no, I don’t think I’m delusional; I could be wrong but I honestly don’t think I am). His aim was brilliant, my reflex just the opposite so I touched it before someone else snatched it away from my hand. My heart broke into pieces.

But seriously, Sungjong is so flawless and gorgeous. If I thought he was beautiful before, now I think he’s even more ethereal. His best performance was probably For You, their new song. He was so wild and mouth-wateringly sexy during that performance. His energy during the song was no joke either and his every move seemed to slice the air. He was sharp. Hot. He meant business. I just wished he paid more attention to the fans in the back as well as the first row. But I guess he was terrified of the kind of savagery he would have to see if he looked beyond the first row.

I didn’t think I could be any more in love with INFINITE than I already was but I was wrong. I’m even more in love with them. And we promised Woohyun we would always be together and I plan to do just that.


Cassie had been working almost non-stop since Halloween night. When she clocked out on her overtime, she kept working and following leads. After the 8th day in a row, Csssie was sat at the office going through some paperwork when she was offered a flask of coffee. When it returned, she took a sip to only taste vervain. Making an excuse of it being hot, she had to continue drinking it to stop any suspicions when eyes were all on her. An hour later, she could feel her stomach burning and turning and she could barely keep her pen straight without her hand shaking. Soon enough, her boss came to her office section and told her to go home and that she was probably ill due to stress.

Unsure of where to go without many questions, she managed to make her way back to her and Niko’s house - almost thankful that he was out from all she could tell but her ears were pounding and she couldn’t be sure. She made her way to the bed and curled up in to it with a groan. Her eyes slowly closing to fall asleep. She wasn’t sure how long she had had her eyes closed - two minutes, two hours, two days - she still felt weak but heard movement. Her head lifted slowly as she squinted to try and see properly.

{ @nikolai-branimir }