Taming of the Squirrels
I reblogged this post about the campus squirrels being different from regular squirrels and noted in my tags that the OMGCP fandom had been woefully neglecting key Samwell campus life content. (Dedicated to @josighah, who let me spew random squirrel facts at them in chat while writing this.)
Summary: Tango and Nursey make it their goal to touch a Samwell squirrel. Mostly Tango-limited POV, with some accidental Nurseydex happening in the background.
“Have you noticed the Samwell squirrels are different from, like, normal squirrels?” Tango asked over breakfast one morning.
Whiskey just nodded in confirmation next to him, not bothering with words when there was still food he could be eating.
“Oh, bro, those half-tame little fuckers are terrifying! Look like they’re about to mug you,” Ransom said from the other end of the table.
“Oooooh, the Samwell squirrels…” Holster looked almost gleeful, which was always kind of worrying. He sat up straighter and took on his storytelling pose. Ransom rolled his eyes. “Legend says there was once a student who dedicated himself to picking up one of these fabled creatures before he graduated. For four long years, he strove to tame the beasts. He offered them food. He sat still as stone under the trees by the Pond. He learned to speak their language. And finally, the day before graduation, it happened. A squirrel came to him and took the bread from his hand, and did allow him to lift it. Verily, they even say he was able to pet it for nearly five minutes. He refused to walk at graduation, saying his true college mission had been accomplished.”
Dex raised a skeptical brow, while Bitty looked vaguely disgusted. “Well, I certainly hope he washed his hands afterward. Tree rats.”
“You don’t think they’re cute?” Tango asked.
“I mean, I guess,” Bitty conceded, “but they’re everywhere where I’m from. My mama uses a pellet gun to keep ’em off the birdfeeder. Why spend all your time trying to pick up a squirrel when you can pet Prof. Atley’s dog? Or the volleyball team’s cat? Respectable pets. Clean pets.”
“Guinea pigs,” put in Chowder. “I think I know someone with a ferret.”
“Rats,” added Whiskey.
“No,” said Bitty, “not rats. I said respectable pets.”
“Rats are actually very clean,” said Dex mildly.
“Yeah, Bitty, don’t judge,” drawled Nursey, clearly just to be a shit.
Bitty narrowed his eyes at them. “I will deny pie to any person who dares bring a rodent into my Haus.”
“Nah, bro, chill!” Nursey threw up pleading hands. But then he turned to Tango. “I do kinda want to touch a Samwell squirrel now, though. You in?”
Tango’s face lit up and Nursey held up his hand for a high-five.
Dex buried his face in his hands.
Whiskey took the opportunity to casually steal his bacon.