7394

DAILY DUA

Dua and remembrance before sleeping #7

بِاسْمِكَ اللَّهُمَّ أَمُوتُ وَأَحْيَا

Translation

In Your name O Allah, I live and die.

Transliteration

bismika-l-laahumma amoo-tu wa aḥyaa

Sources: Bukhari No# 6312, 7394; Muslim No# 2711; Abu Dawud No# 5049; At-Tirmidhi No# 3417

7394

I think that Luca Turilli’s Dreamquest is best in symphonic metal, it’s a shame they only have one album. I’m a big fan of famous symphonic metal bands like Nightwish  and Epica, but Luca Turilli’s Dreamquest is pure symphonic metal with classical influences. And the vocal of female singer is perfection. When listening to this album I have the feeling that I’m sitting in an opera in Italy and watching epic play and headbanging to it

#7394

Before starting college I thought I would get new friends and I wouldn’t be compared to them or be second best to them. I’d finally be me, myself, and I. But what happens? Even if I make normal looking friends, or less/more attractive friends, I still am overlooked. I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF BEING IN THE SHADOWS OF ANYONE I BEFRIEND. I AM FUCKING SICK OF BEING SECOND COMPARED TO THEM, IF I’M EVEN NOTICED AT ALL. I don’t know what to do anymore, I should just accept myself as a failure. I quit.

I’m done fighting for all of you.

I’m done. I’m a dick. I’ve never hidden this from any of you. Don’t you come crying to me because I made a promise or some shit when you guys get offended and push me away and shit.

I’ve never left any of you unless you truly insulted me or hurt eachother and I didn’t know how to choose sides.

You guys’ all really know how to wear down on a guy’s nerves, and it’s too much anymore. I got Santana back in my life today only for Braelyn to tell me to stay the fuck away from her? Fuck you lot. I’m really done.

Being a dick doesn’t mean you don’t have feelings.

Lex. Alexis. The other half to Calexis. Or Lexlyn. I think me and Lexi are Lexlyn though.

Anyways.

You can delete this if you want, I don’t mind. But I want to say it.

I think you’re beautiful. It doesn’t matter how much you weigh or if someone decides to bust your face open because you like to speak your mind or anything like it.

You. Are. Beautiful. Inside and out.

You don’t need to diet or be a size 6 to be beautiful. You already are. And I think a lot of people would agree with me on that.

So yeah. I just wanted to tell you that.

Love, Lynny. ♥

stop being goldensdfosefnt.

    A - If I’m in love: Yes.
    B - Who the last person I talked to on the phone was: Lacy.
    C - How long it’s been since I’ve kissed: …A few hours.
    D - If I have a preference for boys or girls: Boys.
    E - How many holes I have in my ears: None.
    F - Henry or Puck?: I can’t choose.
    G - The last person I said ‘I love you’ to: Sam. Last night. When I was petting his hair.
    H - The last person I hugged: LanStacy.
    I - The last time I felt jealous, and why:
    J - How old I am: 17.
    K- What my full name is: Julian Miles Larson.
    L - If I have siblings: Yes.
    M - If I forgive betrayal: …Yes
    N - If you want to know how I treat my friends: Ask them?
    O - If I like my school: Ehhh.
    P - What kind of music I like: Any, really. I lean towards rock and alternative, though.
    Q - What the last party I went to was, and when the next will be: Brae’s. Ergh. Tonight’s?

    R - For me to tell 10 of my curiosities:   

  • How do you burn calories without moving.
  • How do cameras even work. They’re like magic.
  • If Ian Somerhalder would sleep with me.
  • Why does Stevie hate me lately.
  • Why am I such a fuck up.
  • What gender my babies are.
  • What would I be like if I was a girl.
  • Where would I be if Sam hadn’t helped me out post-Blaine.
  • Why Kelly always vanishes.
  • How come soda is so addicting.

    S - 2 habits.

  • Pacing.
  • Cursing.

    T- 5 things I love unconditionally.

  • My babies.
  • Sam.
  • Braelyn.
  • Blaine. 
  • Kingsleigh.

    U - How many texts I send daily: Enough.
    V - 3 big dreams: Graduating, stardom, life in NY.
    W - An idol: Lady Gaga.
    X - If I’ve done something I regret very much: …Yes.
    Y - If I like my town and why: Yes and no, because it’s too quite but the people way too loud.
    Z - Best female friend?: Braelyn.

I don’t know how to describe it, but Lexi’s fear scared me because she’s apologized and such and yeah but I mean what if shit does go down and I somehow manage to lose her? I’m not saying that will happen, I’m not saying that’s what she wants. Not in the slightest. I’m just saying I got scared. I’m not good with this ‘feeling’ business, I’m very apathetic, detached when it comes to serious emotions because I’ve been hurt a lot. I know we’ve all been hurt in some shape or form and I come off really bold and strong but I’m human. Human and weak. I’m pathetic and insecure and I really don’t like myself. I hate my looks, my weight, my voice, my attitude, my eyes, my everything. On top of physical shit, I also struggle with disciplining myself and being self-motivated, I’ve got MDD, sometimes I find absolutely no joy in life. I have no goals. When I set them, I usually always fail anyway so I rarely want to try in the first place because despite being nothing but a failure myself, I still fear it. I’ve cut, I’ve starved, I’ve abused, and I’ve neglected myself. I’m a really fucked up, weak, warped human being who has absolutely no regard for her own life in the figurative and literal sense.

I want to be someone, do big things, go to amazing places, and be proud of myself, but I haven’t got the money or drive or even the luck to do any of that. I don’t even know why I’m posting this except to let it all out, to put it down and look at it and try to understand myself when I really fucking can’t. I wish I could see what you all see, think of myself the ways you all think of me, but I don’t know how. Of course, I could blame my alcoholic, abusive father for cutting me down and making sure I knew I was nothing but fat, ugly, and hopeless for the first eleven years of my life, or maybe my uncle for doing pretty much the same.

I remember one time, my uncle said I’d have to save up big to get an operation in order to be at least butterface, so when I hear a certain someone saying how they’re saving up on a nose job to please someone who cuts them down in order to prove them right just so that they leave them alone, it breaks my heart.

It really does.

Not my eyes are starting to burn and I don’t want to cry so I’m done.

@ - One of my obsessions.

Food. I think food is an obsession. This turnover tells me so.

# - One of the things I am proud of.

Being the king of wet dreams.

$ - One of my insecurities.

Sucking at life.

% - My childhood career choice.

Relationship therapist.

^ - My favourite ice cream.

Vanilla.

& - One of my hobbies.

Theatre.

* - One of my bad habits.

Um. Cursing. 

~ - Where I want to be right now.

Napping.

! - Who I wish I could be.

Santa. That bitch has money and free labor.

> - Where I would like to live.

A city. Somewhere busy.

< - The last thing I ate.

My turnover and I’m currently eyeing Blaine’s biscotti.

? - Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediately.

Sam.

Kidding, kidding. It’s Blainers.

+ - A random fact about anything.

Filipinos eat weird shit.