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I can’t wait to feel the heat of your body. To hear you whisper in my ear. To have your scent all over my skin. To hold your hand and hear you laugh and to touch you. To fall asleep in your arms and to wake up looking at your beautiful face. To traumatize you with my bad cooking. To kiss every inch of you and make love to you. To show you what a klutz I am. To cuddle in bed and watch movies together.

I can’t wait to just be with you.

I’m suffocating with my thoughts of you
Because my biggest fear came true
The love that had once burned so bright
Became nothing more than a speck of dust extinguished one night
I was just a kid, only 17
When I made this boy my everything
A tuesday in June was when it started
By friday we were together
A few bumps along the road in August
December and I knew I’d love him forever
He was funny and smart and his smile made me weak
He was tall with broad shoulders and had an accent when he’d speak
Somehow he loved everything I hated about myself
In his eyes I was beautiful and nothing else
2 years flew by, full of hours of Skype dates
And from the surface everything seemed great
Until it wasn’t

Because it wasn’t a fairytale
From the beginning we were doomed to fail
I ignored all the signs
Heard my friends’ warnings and rolled my eyes
And even when I knew it was wrong
I couldn’t help myself, I couldn’t leave, so I let it go on
He’ll change, I’d say
He’ll treat me right one of these days
I gave him my innocence and my heart
Continued waiting for him even when we were apart
Yet he couldn’t keep his hands to himself
I was just another trophy of many on his shelf
And even though it’s shameful to admit it,
He broke me

He broke my heart and my spirit
I had no pride, no self-respect
I wanted to be with him so I settled for less
And even though I gave him all I could, I gave him all my love
Nothing I ever gave him was enough
And after all the years I wasted,
He left

One day he decided it was the end
Rw’yn di garu di meant nothing to him
And for a moment I thought my life was ruined
But I’m a fighter and I’m tough
And I will survive when things get rough
I’m actually glad it happened to me
Because now I’m not weak, I’m no longer naïve
Oh

Oh those brown eyes that told me lies,
Those brown eyes that hypnotized
Those brown eyes I’ve learned to survive

When will I see you again?
You left with no goodbye, not a single word was said,
No final kiss to seal any seams,
I had no idea of the state we were in,

I know I have a fickle heart and bitterness,
And a wandering eye, and a heaviness in my head,

But don’t you remember?
Don’t you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more,

When was the last time you thought of me?
Or have you completely erased me from your memory?
I often think about where I went wrong,
The more I do, the less I know

I hate distance.

I hate not being able to see the person you love everyday. Not getting to watch movies or hold hands or kiss each other. Not being able to hang out with them and do absolutely nothing. Not being able to go out on dates or meet each other’s friends. Not being able to have them there for those little moments that are impossible to explain later on. 

I hate waiting to be able to talk to them. I hate worrying about them meeting someone where they live. I hate hoping that one day you’ll be able to see each other.

I hate spending every moment missing them and wishing they were with you.

Distance really sucks.

We’re falling apart. If feels like there isn’t even really an “us” anymore. Like we just keep going because it’s been so long and neither of us wants to be the one to end it.

We’re not even trying to work it out. 

I miss when talking to you would give me butterflies and when the things you said would make me tear up and smile like an idiot. Now every time I talk to you I end up frustrated or mad or annoyed.

Even our “dates” seem stale. We’re both distracted and not even interested.

I never wanted this to happen. I once thought we could make it through anything and now I don’t think we could possibly last much longer.

I still love you, but I don’t feel the same wild, out of control passion I felt before.

I hate the way you’re never around when I need you most. I hate that you talk to other girls. I hate that I’m always more affectionate. I hate that you make me cry all the time. I hate that I always apologize when I’m not even the wrong one. I hate that you can go days, weeks without talking to me. I hate how we never talk about anything serious. I hate when you lie to me. I hate how you never make any effort. I hate that you rarely make time for me. I hate when we fight and you leave without fixing anything.

But most of all, I hate that I love you despite everything.

This distance is killing me.

I need to see you. I need to touch you. To hear your voice.

Talking to you every few days isn’t enough. I want to fall asleep next to you and wake up in your arms.

This is so fucking hard for me.

My love for you is still so strange and new and scary. Sometimes it frustrates me because I know I care way more than you do. And other times I just sit there and smile and tear up like an idiot because you’ve made me feel something so beautiful and wonderful, something I’ve never been able to feel for anyone.

These past 10 months with you in my life have been an adventure. There were times when I was sure it was over, that we were done for good. There have been weeks where I’ve cried for hours straight. But somehow we’ve always managed to work through it.

You make me so indescribably happy. Talking to you for only a few minutes brightens up my entire week. The thought of your smile makes my knees weak.

I feel so blessed to have met you. Even if we don’t end up together, I could never regret meeting you. You’ve taught me so much about love and life and relationships.

I’m so excited for the summer where I’m finally going to get to see you. Every night I fall asleep dreaming about what it’ll be like when we finally get to do all the things we’ve talked about. To be in your arms is going to be one of the best moments of my life. 

I love you so very, very much <3

Thank you for helping me realize everything;

I’m happy again. Even when theres no REAL reason to smile at a time, I do anyways. Because I know that you would want me to smile. You like it when I smile. I’m starting to like myself. I never liked myself, but I think I’m a pretty likeable person. I’m getting there. I’m starting to be comfortable with who I am. I dont regret my past, but I know that now I’m a better person than that. I know that I can and will be a better person than that. Because you push me to be the BEST person I can possibly be. I am beautiful. Maybe not the way other girls are, but I am. I know I am. You are my motivation in alot of ways, you’ve helped me alot. And all I can say is thank you for sticking with me through everything and helping me. You have NO idea how much it means to me. I love you.

I still miss Ben.

I miss his smile and his broad shoulders and his voice and his terrible grammar. I miss telling him everything and flirting and waiting for him to be done with school. I miss talking for hours and our Skype dates and making plans and taking sexy pictures for him. I miss how happy and in love I was with him.

But I don’t miss waiting days, even weeks to hear from him. I don’t miss seeing that he was talking to other girls. I don’t miss crying from the pain of knowing all the things he was keeping from me. I don’t miss being lied to and cheated on over and over and feeling stupid for letting it slide.

Even though it hurts, I’m glad that it’s finally over. We were together over a year and I’ve learned a lot. Before him, I’d never come close to loving someone. Now I know how beautiful and amazing and heartbreaking it can be. Because of him I’m closer to my best friend than I was for years. I’m more confident.

Now I know what I do and don’t want from a relationship. I will never settle for anything less than what I deserve ever again. I’m going to find someone who treats me better and actually cares for me. Someone who will love and respect me, something I never got from him.

I’m no longer the naive and weak girl I was before I met him. I’m a strong, confident woman now. For that, I’ll always be grateful. It makes all the struggle worth it.

I can't believe I forgot to write about this.

Ben and I talked yesterday.

For months now we’ve felt really distant and I was scared to say anything because I didn’t want him to tell me he doesn’t feel the same way anymore. But yesterday I finally got the courage and I asked him if we were okay. I told him that it seemed like our feelings weren’t there anymore.

He said he thought that too.

I told him I didn’t want to get hurt and that I was scared of losing him. And then he told me that he doesn’t see his feelings changing anytime soon :3 But he couldn’t promise me that he wouldn’t find anyone else. And that he doesn’t want to hurt me.

So we talked about ending things. I was shaking and crying. I don’t ever want to end things, no matter how bad they get. And he didn’t want us to be over either.

So we decided that isn’t an option for us. We’re going to keep working things out.

And now, after telling him all my fears about what could happen with us and him listening and talking to me about them…I feel like we’re stronger than ever.

I am so, so, so happy.