6 8 10

20.

The larkspur rises in spikes from the garden, blooming rich and blue as twilight.

Missy, in all of her half-baked witchy wisdom, used to say the flowers provided protection from evil spirits, that they symbolized true love. Rich, considering that larkspurs were a deadly poison, carrying highly toxic alkaloids that killed gourmandizing free-range cattle by the paddock every spring. 1501 Larkspur Lane was aptly named. A place for spirits, a rancid core of death wrapped up in a pretty story about eternal love. 

She can’t help but think that Mulder dragged her out there on Christmas Eve to distract her from thoughts of Emily. She loathed to imagine that he felt sorry for her, that he’d plot a night of cheap thrills for her benefit, as if she were some wilting rose, incapable of living with the weight of her grief. 

Then again, maybe it hadn’t been a distraction after all. Maybe there really was a part of Mulder that wanted to bind his soul to hers forever - he was a romantic at heart, and she could see how the tragic lyricism of a murder-suicide would appeal to him. 

If only he knew the options.

If only he knew how often the question had rested in her mouth, squatting on the flat of her tongue like a toad. This is how we do eternity, Mulder. We create life. The most permanent of intimacies, the two of us unified in chromosomes, stitched together in strands of DNA. 

Scully sighs and turns over in bed, resigning herself to sleeplessness. The leftover buzz of fear bristles through her veins, and she thinks of blood, of betrayal, of the fireplace still warm. Maurice and Lyda, trapped in that house… but it was all in her head. It had to be. A mutual hallucination, maybe brought on by some unknown environmental contaminant, mold in the walls, or perhaps by her compromised emotional state…

She heaves another weary breath into her chest, glancing at the clock. 4 AM. Screw it. It’s Christmas, damn it, and on Christmas, you should be with the one you love. 

Mulder is happy to see her. 



They trade sheepish apologies and hungry looks, packages in festive paper. Beside him on the couch, she rips into hers with abandon - Mulder’s rare gifts are always puzzling, always a challenge, more of an experience than a thing in itself. They’re extensions of him and all of his complexity, like little pieces of his soul. 

She pops the plastic lid off of the cardboard tube, and shakes out a tightly-packed roll of newsprint, flicking her eyes up at Mulder in the process. He’s watching her, his own gift half-unwrapped in his hands. She digs through the nest of paper, flirting - “Hmm… let me guess, a replica of an ancient ritualistic phallus?”-” and then she finds it, and the breath is stolen from her lungs. 

A spyglass, very old, but in beautiful condition. Scully blinks slowly and runs her fingers along the smooth brassy curve of it, transfixed by the craftsmanship, the history. Holding it aloft, she extends the draw and examines the maker’s mark, smelling the sweet scent of old metal. Her thoughts wheel, trying to eke out the deeper meaning, but she stops herself. She’d rather savour the challenge, turn it over in her mind for days, extract the message slowly, like fine oil. 

“It’s wonderful,” she breathes, and he beams down at her in relief. “You like it?” he asks, and she brings one of her hands up to his jaw, thumbing at the corner of his canted smile. He presses his lips to her knuckle. “I love it. Now open yours.”

He finishes shredding the wrapping paper, uncovering a worn VHS tape, the cover faded. His head juts forward, jaw agape. 

“Holy shit, Scully, Destination Inner Space? I’ve been looking for this for -”

“- years, I know, so now you can shut up about it -” 

“How did you find -”

“- Oh, you know, Langley knew a guy who knew a guy…” 

He sets the tape on the coffee table and cups his palms around her cheeks, kissing an eyebrow, the bridge of her nose. “You little…” he says through gritted teeth, and pulls her into a long and elaborate kiss. His hot breath is in her mouth, his fingers locking into the hair at the back of her neck. She flickers her tongue against his ripe bottom lip, panting, giddy with exhaustion and leftover adrenaline. 

It swiftly becomes absolutely essential that he be inside of her. She breaks from him, gets up clumsily and stands between his legs, shrugging her coat down her arms and tossing it over to the chair. Mulder gets savvy, grinning, shifting his hips and unhooking his belt as she shimmies out of her trousers and unbuttons her shirt. He wrestles his cock out of his jeans, and she bends to swirl her tongue around the head of it before slinging her knees around his hips. “God, yes,” he growls, clutching at her hipbones, pulling her down. 

The stretching fullness of him is crucial, life-affirming, and Scully remembers how a close encounter with death is often their most powerful aphrodisiac. She sinks all the way down onto him, squeezing her muscles, leaning her mouth to his and chasing his tongue. They ride out the urgency of it in a slow, symbiotic grind. 

After a few long and delicious minutes, they begin to lose steam. Scully rests her head against Mulder’s chest, listening to the thud of his heart.  He strokes the length of her thigh. “We can finish this later, hey?” he mumbles. “I think we’re both a bit tired.” 

“Mmm.” 

“You, uh, gonna be at your mom’s all day?” 

“Yeah,” she says, nuzzling her nose into the neck of his t-shirt, suddenly unable to imagine the day without him. “…Come with me.” He smooths his hands over her back, silent, and her stomach pitches. 

“I don’t wanna ruin your family Christmas, Scully. Bill hates me.” She considers this, pressing her lips sulkily against his Adam’s apple. “C’mon, Mulder. You shouldn’t be alone on Christmas. Mom won’t mind. And if you can break out of a gulag with a homemade shiv, you can handle Bill.” He runs his nails down her bare ass, scratching her lightly. 

“Mmmm. You really liked that, didn’t you. Remember how… you pulled me into that airport bathroom…? Horny little thing.” He grabs her hips and tugs them forward, pressing himself up against the sweet spot inside of her as she nibbles at the rough of his stubble. “Alright, G-woman, stop biting me. I’ll come. Just let me grab a quick shower.”  

-

She gets herself back into her clothes and finger-combs her hair, flipping through one of his old National Geographics. There’s a good article on the Capuchin catacombs in Palermo, and she’s studying the mandible of a mummified friar when the phone rings. The machine picks up, and then a soft, smoky, familiar voice fills the room. 

“Hello, Fox. It’s me.” Heat creeps up her neck, and she snaps her head around and stares at the phone. “I guess you’re not up yet. You mentioned the last time we spoke that you didn’t have any plans for Christmas… I just… wanted to say that you’re welcome to come over if you’ve got nowhere to be today. Or I could come to your place. We could get Chinese, watch Plan 9. Like the old days. Just… let me know. You know where to reach me.”

There’s a dizzying blaze of hatred within her, and even though she knows she shouldn’t, even though it’s childish and jealous and petty, Scully leans over, presses number 7, and deletes the message.

Mulder emerges from the bedroom, his hair wet and spiky, tugging down a handsome knit green sweater over his t-shirt. Scully throws the magazine onto the coffee table, collects her spyglass, and walks over to him with purpose. She kisses him hard, the kiss of a woman who knows what’s hers. When she pulls back, his eyes are questioning, amused. “Is it the sweater?” he chuckles. “Hey, who was on the phone?” 

“Wrong number,” she says mildly. “C’mon, Mulder. We’re going to be late.”


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Momma’s Boy Part 11

Prompt: A witch turns Liam into a toddler causing the reader and Scott to take care of him. (Requested)

Pairing: Liam Dunbar x Reader (platonic) , Scott McCall x Reader

Parts

1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10

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100 Ways to Say “I Love You” No. 79

“I’ll still be here when you’re ready.” [AO3]

A/N: so I actually wrote and posted this on my AO3 4 months ago, but it never made it here… so here we are!

Pre-destiel, AU, College/University AU, Young Dean and Cas, fluff

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 23, 26, 28, 30, 31, 32, 36, 37,39, 40, 47, 49, 50, 56, 57, 64, 66,70, 71, 75, 7982, 83, 84, 85, 89, 92, 93, 97, 98, 99 

It was unexpected. That’s what threw Castiel off the most. One minute they’d been standing and waiting for the last train back to Kansas University, and the next, Dean was close to him. Too close.

Personal space, Cas, rang through his head as he held Dean at arms distance and kept his eyes to the concrete floor. Heart beating, everything moving faster than it should be, Castiel felt off. It wasn’t Dean by a long shot, if he took a moment to think, this was everything he ever wanted since Dean sauntered into his dorm room. His duffle bag slung over his shoulder, red plaid shirt, worn jeans and a Led Zeppelin shirt. Yes, he remembered. He wouldn’t ever forget.

“Dean,” Cas breathed. Dean paused before resting his forehead against Cas’. He didn’t say anything. Maybe he didn’t know what to say or was waiting for Cas to carry on. “I… just…” Cas didn’t know what to say either. Just something, something, made him stop. It wasn’t the public place, hell, they were the only ones here.

Castiel closed his eyes and sighed. He felt Dean pull away and knew he was looking at him with that look. The one where his eyes look greener than ever and he looks so concerned. Castiel tries to explain but he can’t even begin, he can’t even look at Dean.

A finger pulled his chin up but he kept his eyes closed. He didn’t want to see his face. Dean’s face was beautiful; freckles dancing across his nose and cheekbones, eyes greener than the greenest grass, smile as sweet as maple syrup. “Dean, I want… I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, Cas. If you want, I’ll still be here when you’re ready. I promise.” Dean’s quietly spoken voice soothed Cas to the core. He opened his eyes and as expected, Dean’s face was laced with concern.

“I don’t know how to do this…” Castiel admitted.

“Neither do I, who does?” Dean reassured, gentle smile gracing his face. Hands fell to his arms and gripped them comfortingly.

The station master announced that their train was arriving so they stood back from each other ready to board.

Castiel couldn’t get Dean’s words out of his head. Castiel wanted to kiss Dean, do everything with Dean and he knew it was only himself and his anxieties that were holding him back. Knowing Dean would wait for him though, that meant everything to him. It also made him feel a little guilty; what if there was someone else who was perfect for Dean but they didn’t get the chance because Dean was waiting for Castiel?

The train came to a stop in front of them and Castiel shuffled his messenger bag on his shoulder before following Dean on board. There were plenty of seats available but they sat next to each other anyway, shoulder to shoulder.

“Whatever you’re thinking, Cas, it’s okay, yanno. I wouldn’t have offered to wait if I didn’t think there was anything between us. I’ve seen the way you look at me, okay.” Dean chuckled before adding, “You’re not that subtle.”

“Meg said the same thing to me several weeks ago.” Castiel muttered quietly before yawning. The rhythmic sound of the tracks beneath the wheels and the late hour are sending him off to sleep. Slowly, heart pounding and brain stuttering Castiel edged his hand to where Dean’s rested on his lap. He entwined their fingers, Dean being patient as Castiel did so, and breathed out a sigh of emotional relief. He pressed his head back into the headrest before closing his eyes.

Their stop was less than ten minutes away but that’s all Castiel needed right now.

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

so, my score would be: stydia 4/10, scalia 9/10, thiam 6/10, morey 8/10, ending 4/10, i feel cheated (i would love the episode, if it wasn't the last one ever)

moray were so cute, i loved them

Originally posted by deanwinchestor

thiam fight scene was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G 

Originally posted by thiam-lover

and theo was just… words can’t express how proud i am of my man, he saved the day one more time

Originally posted by sweeetblueberry

also my baby scott was so precious i love him

Originally posted by tw-source

Brutally Honest Venus in Houses

Venus in House I
Aren’t you miss Marilyn Monroe? You present yourself to the world with charm and cuteness and get stuff on your way like that. You’re very flirty and love to play dumb so stupid people thinking they’re too smart will lecture you and you will even get out of the situation pretending you’re a good learner when in fact you’re just being diplomatic and shady. You like to be sexually admired and know how to use it in your favor without being obvious. How not to like you? Not even you know that.

Venus in House II
Here comes Lana del Rey in her Sugar Baby phase. Maybe is not even conscious but your love life has to be luxurious and you will probably fall for rich people - not that you are actively looking for this kind of thing. To you, romantic means financial effort, and if they care enough they will do it for you, right? Also you’re pretty obsessed with stability. Love comes with a price, and you won’t marry and put your being in the hands of someone who can’t even pay its own bills. Maybe you have a heritage or come from a wealthy family, and you will keep at least the same pattern of life you already have with someone stable that knows how to $ enjoy $ life.

Venus in House III
You probably fell in love for a teacher once. You just can’t resist a sweet talk and somebody that can share stories, knowledge, with good humor and a mind sharp… you’re so done. You also like to be with someone that can talk about anything without making a big deal of it, and if they don’t have anything interesting to say anymore you get bored and that’s it, the end. Also because of your endless need for new information and learning you may feel polyamory is something considerable, maybe even desirable. So many people with so many stories to share! Or maybe not, if you date a true nerd with a good heart. Is very likely you will find romance in school or college, or any study group, and maybe inspire you to follow an academic or scholar career.

Venus in House IV
You are very, very, very romantic and sentimental. Love means marrying and children, or at least marrying and having loving pets to raise. Sometimes both. You like the traditional bound - you may even say is not for you but honey, you don’t fool anyone. You like the idea of having a ring in your finger and showing off your sweet partner while making up names for your future children (or pets). You probably came from a family that gave you this traditional view - or from a so fucked up family you desired your whole life yours were better than that and decided to make your new family the closest thing possible from a traditional one. Either way, you will look for someone that can handle your family or be among the other half’s family as it were yours. And you are a hard worker to keep things as perfect as a butter advertise.

Venus in House V
You are so in love… with yourself. And everything you create. You are expressive and people love your presence - they better do, you’re a fucking genius - and you know how to attract people, how to flirt, how to keep them interested. Is like they say: work on your garden and the butterflies will come to you, and geez, your garden is a stage with high quality lightning while Mozart plays in the background to make the flowers grow more beautifully. You work on your appearance, on your expressiveness, you know exactly what you’re doing and those who don’t know how to appreciate it are not worthy of you. Your partner is someone you picked from your fans, they must admire you too - better saying, they have to understand what you are and what you do. Otherwise why even bother to lose your time with them? Losers.

Venus in House VI
You love someone who is responsible and hard working. Love to you is something a bit colder than others, you have high standards for what you want in your life and need someone to help you achieve it. This someone must work as hard as you do, must cooperate with you and stand still facing critics because you’re really mental, and your relationship is one of the things you will analyze more than feel it. The problem is you might over analyze it and ruin things when they were supposed to be ok. Chill, man. You do a good work, trust your standards, you will do fine. And so will the person you coldly chose to be with you. You will probably fall in love for a competent co-worker, maybe even your boss, or someone with a very practical view.

Venus in House VII
You’re the Venus itself. You’re a social butterfly and diplomatic af, everybody likes you and you don’t even give them the chance to not like you. You’re so fucking nice and loving, how can they not like you? Unless you have a stellium in aries or something, geez, you’re good at attracting people. You will probably fall in love for pretty people, be pretty yourself and want pretty things surrounding you. You’re all about beauty - inner and outer, but c'mon, everybody likes the outer more. You’re well behaved, gentle, you talk looking into people’s eyes and genuinely asks if everything is ok. You will probably marry and be very happy since the person that will be attracted to you will admire every piece of you, and feel lucky to have you around. Just run from people that use other people (they might perceive you’re too nice and use the shit out of you) and creeps (they might see your kindness as openness and try to do creepy shit).

Venus in House VIII
The more complicated, the better. Not because of drama, you just like… intense things. Normal relationships bore the shit out of you, you need something that will change your life completely, change the way you see things, you feel things, someone that can divide your life in “Before my partner” and “After my partner”. Someone to do new things, develop new dreams, and someone to take care emotionally and trust completely. You’re not the type of going around telling everyone you’re in love - sometimes you don’t even feel it coming. Is just there, and then you want that person all for you, in a very possessive way, and do everything to mark your territory without being obvious. You like mysterious people, or just really different people, because they will make you feel beyond the obvious and share dark secrets - the ultimate love proof for you. You may have a thing for people you shouldn’t - be the other person, or even cheat. You also are a bit traditional… but a darker version, like Morticia and Gomez - to die and kill for it. Partners in life, partners in crime. Usually in life, though, if you’re healthy.

Venus in House IX
You want to PaAaARtYy. Woohoo. You have energy, passion, attitude, and you fall for very optimistic people that will take you out of your comfort zone and go beyond with you. You might fall for college teachers and researchers, maybe people that traveled the world, or even high knowledged religion leaders, like priests. Or just a parter for crazy ideas. To you, a relationship must be something to add flavor and spice to your life and make it something incredible. Make you do incredible things, go to places you never - or always - dreamed of. The ultimate romance is to take you in a trip where you will experiment so many new things and cultures. You’re all about expansion and your love will take you beyond, make you learn something new, master a new technique… love is something almost religious that will bring you salvation. The problem is when you notice the patterns of things and get bored, or if your beloved is passing through dark times of regression. You feel lonely and that energy becomes irritation, and you may go alone with hope to find new love since you have no time for sad people.

Venus in House X
You’re the boss here. You know exactly what you want for love, and this comes with traditionalism, effort and a good status. You like the idea of marrying and having kids but indifferently from your gender you will be the “man” of the house, the boss. You will lead the relationship, take the initiative, ask to go on a date, decide when to marry, choose where to live, what to do, how to do. You are very hard working and security is important to you - and if the person doesn’t give you enough of it you will just fire them and leave the spot open to better candidates. You may seem cold but you don’t play with your life and love is something strong for you, so you just don’t give it for anyone that messes with your head. You actually know very well the difference between love and lust and are able to have lustful relationships without love, just to relieve your carnal needs. Cold, right? But real. You take responsibilities and obligations very seriously, and if you decide to bond with someone you will do it in the right way.

Venus in House XI
You’re popular and care about everyone. When it comes to love you have to find someone that will bond with your friends and coworkers. You go along with everybody and important people tend to like you. You may get involved with someone very political, or with strong political views, particularly with the power to actually do something for the masses. Or maybe a technologic nerd that is developing solutions for daily problems. You’re all about improvement and will want someone to share this view, and work together to something that will help others somehow. You’re here to make things better and your partner must recognize this. You don’t fall a little tiny for selfish bastards, even if they look pretty af - at this point you’re probably questioning the beauty standards and laughing at people that tries too hard to look good. You’re different, unique, and sometimes this is a blessing, sometimes a curse. You know you’re out of the place and fall for smart all of the place people like you. And if your morals and political views matches you will probably going to die together, holding hands and shit.

Venus in House XII
Your love is unconscious. You’re dreamy and imagine a life together with an ideal you’re afraid it doesn’t exist. This may indicate your love is in a past life too, someone you’ve bond so strongly you miss him/her and don’t even know its face. Your love makes you better as a person, grow and learn more about you. You might feel you’re infantile and this is so strange for you, while it seems so obvious for others, and will want to hide and never try. You’re too ashamed to show your feelings and always expect the worst, sometimes making a self fulfilled prophecy, and then going after easy escapes such drugs, games, porn. Bonding is specially hard for you because that’s what you need most to grow, and growing is never easy. You might break up as soon as you realize the person is not what you wanted it to be, not wanting to deal with their problems. Don’t run. You’re lovely and you can make your big dreams come true if you stay and keep on trying. Or at least the closest thing to true, which is fantastic anyway, because you’re a fabulous dreamer and that’s a great gift.

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Astraea (5)

Astraea is considered to be the the goddess of justice and is often depicted carrying a torch and a set of scales. She was the last of the Gods to leave Earth and some have theorized that she is the representation of the constellation of Virgo, with her scales close by as Libra. However, due to the fact that she was so closely affiliated with justice, she often found it hard to let things go until they were perfect. This can be portrayed within the placement of the Astraea Asteroid in astrological charts as an area we find hard to let go of and move on from. There is rarely any closure when it comes to this asteroid. She shows us where we need to tie up loose ends, and where we struggle with letting go. Along with this, she may have an obsessive streak. When you see things through the eyes of Astraea, you cannot see an ending in sight and often people wait many years for things to end, to the point that they become consumed.

Astraea in 1st: You struggle giving up your independence and your ability to self express. The idea of ever uniforms, herd mentality or being a follower is something you cannot accept. You may also struggle with working or sharing with others as you want to follow your own rules and do your own thing.

Astraea in 2nd: You are very susceptible to becoming stuck in your ways and not being very open to change. You also hold onto your morals and ethics very strongly and struggle with the idea of ever going against them. You prefer security and comfort to the hesitancy of new things.

Astraea in 3rd: You struggle with having to pick one particular thing out of a range of options. You would very much prefer to keep your options open and wide. You also may feel as though you have unfinished business within your immediate environment in regards to your siblings, neighbors or gossip.

Astraea in 4th: You feel very attached to your family and dislike the thought of having to leave them. You also may find that you have a hard time letting go of emotions that hold you down. You may find yourself upset over tiny things and refusing to move on.

Astraea in 5th: You may lack in spontaneity and the ability to express yourself creatively (this of course does not mean you aren’t creative, just that you struggle to express it the way you want it to be seen). You may also have a hard time letting go of previous relationships with others and dwell on the past a bit.

Astraea in 6th: You have an intense need for perfection which would halt your productivity, You may feel as though you can’t move forward with projects until they are the best they can be which results in many projects left unfinished or in production for months at a time. 

Astraea in 7th: You feel as though you struggle to let go of partnerships you once had - be it romantic or business. You find yourself unable to forget the past and move on. Your sense of fairness also gets in the way of your independence. You find yourself so busy worrying about the needs of others that you never have time for your own projects.

Astraea in 8th: You have an inability to let go of your constant search for new ideas and resources. You struggle with joint projects as you find it hard to finish them and you often will stay stuck in your ways in terms of finances and money. You’re very stuck on your ideas of death and afterlife as well.

Astraea in 9th: You have an inability to see the bigger picture of things. You often focus on smaller aspects of things and your own personal beliefs, leaving little room for the opinions of others. It is almost as if you refuse to consider any opinion other than yours.

Astraea in 10th: You may be too cautious within your life path in fear of looking foolish if you take risks. This often results in missed opportunities and dwelling on the past or “what if”s. You may find yourself very hung up on the way the public see you and make you hesitant to express yourself.

Astraea in 11th: You may feel as though you have unfinished business within your community and friends. You also hold your ideals and ambitions very close to you, unable to stop your quest to reach them. You struggle to let go of ideals in order to feel at peace with yourself or conform to the ideals of others.

Astraea in 12th: You may cling to your own spiritual beliefs and refuse to see the ideas or views of others. You live in your own world and refuse to set the ideals that you have in your mind free or allow others in. This may result in the feeling of an inability to feel at one with the world and a sense of loneliness.

Vai ser sempre nós, independente do problema que surgir para afrontar. Vai ser sempre eu por você e você por mim. Vai ter momentos que a gente vai achar que não vai dar certo. Vai ter sempre alguém a fim de nos ver separados. Vai ter sempre um ciúme bobo, um olhar meio torto e uma insegurança que nos fará achar que o amor está chegando ao fim. Vai ter sempre uma saudade no meio da semana e um desejo de largar tudo pra ter o seu abraço forte me protegendo de tudo. Vai ter sempre um desejo de ir pra longe contigo, um jantarzinho a dois ou até um podrão na esquina da sua casa, a real é que qualquer lugar se torna o melhor lugar quando eu tenho você do lado. Vai ter sempre um desejo de dormir e acordar com o seu sorriso largo e me dando aquele bom dia que só você sabe dar. Vai ter sempre o melhor beijo guardado pra você e as melhores lembranças que me fazem ter a certeza de que é com você que eu quero viver mais uns duzentos anos. Vai ser sempre você, independente da distância, das circunstâncias e ocasião. Vai ser sempre por nós que eu lutarei até o fim. E mesmo quando você achar que vai ser melhor um ir pra cada canto, eu vou insistir, eu vou bater o pé, eu vou te fazer enxergar que é comigo que você precisa estar, e é por nós dois juntos que realmente vale o esforço. Vai ter sempre um obstáculo, uma chateação e algo que coloque a prova o que sentimos um pelo outro. Mas enquanto existir amor e respeito, pode contar que a gente vai além de tudo que planejando até agora. Enquanto formos um complemento do outro não existirá risco de deixarmos de sermos um. Enquanto o nosso querer for o mesmo e a reciprocidade ser presente, nada e nem ninguém será capaz de destruir o que Deus traçou para nós.

I saw you today,
The first time since
That cold night
Where we left each other.

I thought I would be okay.
It’s been months, weeks, days.
But we made eye contact
And I felt my freshly sharpened heart
Shatter back into thousands of pieces.

I loved you,
More than you deserved.
You treated me like the filth of the earth
But I loved you and I was patient
And I spoke sweet words into your ear
And comforted you when you needed

I was good to you.
I was gentle, patient and kind.

You ripped those things from me.

I am fierce, abrasive and disconnected.

I saw you today
And my body flashed back
To when I was weak and scared of you
Of losing you
Of your words
Of your hands

And I broke.

—  I’m not okay // @acomplex // Excerpt from the life I have

sirikenobi167  asked:

How would you describe Dean and Castiel's relationship over the course of the seasons? (and how did it evolve?) I've been thinking about this a bit over the last few days (my current headcanon is that Castiel fell in love with Dean somewhere in season 6, and Dean fell in love with Castiel in season 8).

Hi, dear! Wow. This is a very interesting and challenging question. I hope I can do it justice. Buckle up because this is gonna be a hell of a long post! I’ll give you my interpretation in the most canonical way possible.

In season 4, Dean and Castiel were reluctant allies. They weren’t friends, at least not at first. But this was the season Cas started to see for himself that Dean was a good man and that Heaven wasn’t pure anymore. Finding out that some of his brothers and sisters had been corrupted and seeing Dean trying to do the right thing made Cas have even more doubts and questions than he already had on his own. This was the season when Cas’ superiors began to question his sympathies because he was getting too close to Dean and was starting to express emotions (doorways to doubt). I don’t think that means Cas was falling in love with Dean or anything like that. I think Cas started to consider Dean more righteous than Heaven, and therefore, his obedience to Heaven could falter, which actually happened. Dean, on the other hand, had problems to believe in angels and hated the guts of Castiel at the beginning. He couldn’t understand why or how he was rescued by an Angel of the Lord, and he definitely didn’t want to do Heaven’s bidding. It was this season when Dean started to realize that Cas was different, that deep down he cared, that he was not a “hammer” because he questioned his orders and even disobeyed Heaven to help him (in 4x18). This was the season when Cas first rebelled against Heaven even after he was dragged back to “Bible camp” (and we learned four seasons later that brainwashing and resetting an angel was a cruel and painful procedure). This was the season Dean started to see they were really making the story up as they went.

In season 5, Dean and Castiel became friends. Cas rebelled against Heaven for Dean (and Sam). He did his best to keep Dean and Sam away from the other angels who just wanted them to say yes to Michael and Lucifer. This was the season when they went from allies to friends. Dean and Cas helped each other in their missions, reluctantly, but they did. Dean helped Cas in his search for God; Cas helped Dean when trying to kill Lucifer with the Colt. Both missions failed horribly, both of them thought the other’s plan was pointless, but they helped anyway. This was the season when Dean got sent to 2014 and realized that his fucked-up, poisonous self could destroy even an angel like Cas. This was when he realized Cas would follow him anywhere, and he probably didn’t know how to feel about it. For Cas, this was the season when he totally lost faith in God and learned to have faith in Dean. Angels were created to love and have faith in the Lord, and they associated love with faith for default. When he started to have more faith in Dean than in God, he somehow started to love Dean more than he loved his Father. In 5x21, when Cas realized Dean said no to Michael, he apologized to Dean for doubting him, and I think that was the moment Cas’ faith in Dean became unbreakable. And so did his love for the righteous man. At this point, Cas’ love for Dean wasn’t romantic. Dean became his role-model. He put Dean up in the altar where his Father used to be, and he loved him deeply, as one of God’s best creations. When season 5 ended, Cas cared about Dean a lot more than Dean cared about Cas. As friends, brothers-in-arms, they parted ways once the war was over. Cas wanted to see Dean happy, but he still felt he belonged in Heaven and liked the idea that God had brought him back to life (for a second time now) to fix things up there. Dean, on the other hand, saw Cas leave and probably thought he wasn’t gonna see the angel ever again. He had other pressing matters, anyway. Sam in the pit, for example.

In season 6, Dean and Cas became a dysfunctional family. Before going back to Heaven, Cas rescued Sam from the pit to give Dean the grand prize he was asking for at the end of 5x22. However, he didn’t know he’d left Sam’s soul behind and the whole thing blew up in his face later on. He thought he could set things right in Heaven, but he wasn’t expecting Raphael to have totally different plans. When he realized he wasn’t strong enough to defeat Raphael, he went to Dean to look for help, but once Cas saw him living his apparently happy and peaceful life, he couldn’t pull Dean back in. Crowley took advantage of the moment and managed to convince Cas to work with him. It’s totally true that Cas did a lot of regrettable things in season 6 and that he lied a lot, but everything he did was for Dean and because of Dean; everything was in the name of that profound bond he thought he shared with Dean. On the other hand, Dean, who was raised in an environment of neglect and abuse, and therefore considered that kind of behavior “normal” in a family, started to treat Cas in a very poor way. As I said in another post:

[Dean] only called Cas when he needed something and didn’t really care about anything that was happening to Cas. That’s what Castiel perceived. He loved the Winchesters a lot, especially Dean, but he somehow thought he couldn’t really count on them. “Of course. Your problems always come first,” Cas told Dean in 6x07. “It sounds so simple when you say it like that. Where were you when I needed to hear it?”, Cas asked in 6x20. These two jerks really had communication issues at that time. Cas didn’t ask Dean for help at first because he didn’t want to disturb Dean’s apparently peaceful life, and he didn’t ask for help later because it was already too late (the deal was already made) and because anyway, he kind of thought Dean didn’t give a damn about his civil war. Dean was so worried about Sam and “the job” that he never cared to ask Cas if he needed anything. Probably because he thought an angel was so powerful, he didn’t need help. But also because the Winchesters are not exactly the most helpful people to their closest ones. Remember how Bobby didn’t get any help from Dean and Sam in 6x04 until he finally asked for it (and called them “self-absorbed”)? What was the boys’ reaction? “Bobby, all you gotta do is ask.” The whole speech Bobby gave them in that episode showed how the boys didn’t really give a second thought to other people’s problems. It was not because they didn’t love those people, it was just because that was the Winchester way. Dean didn’t know how to listen to Cas, how to offer help, how to empathize. And Cas didn’t know how to ask for help, how to consider that he might not be in a righteous path, how to doubt himself. I guess the “Next to Sam, you and Bobby are the closest things I have to family” Dean said in 6x20 came too little, too late for Cas at that point.

Cas desperately wanted Dean to have faith in him, but Dean didn’t. In Cas’ notebook, that meant Dean didn’t love him (no matter if he said Cas was family or that he would have died for Cas). Castiel had to finish what he had started. To defeat Raphael, he made very bad decisions. The ends justified the means, so he hurt Sam in the process. Castiel was disappointed. Nobody had faith in him, nobody loved him. That’s why he told Dean “You’re not my family” in 6x22, and that’s probably why the first thing he said as Godstiel was “You will bow down and profess your love unto me.”

In season 7, Dean and Cas had to reconstruct their relationship.  I’ll quote myself from another post:

Season7!Dean had so much going on in that head of his. I don’t think Dean had feelings for Cas at that point. When Dean said that Cas was like a brother to him in 6x20, I believe he really meant it. However, the guilt, anger and frustration Dean felt toward Castiel was drowning him little by little. Guilt because maybe if he had just listened, if he had said something, if he had been less self-centered, he could have saved Cas and prevented the whole Purgatory souls fiasco. Anger because how could Cas betray him? How could Cas break Sam’s wall? How could Cas lie to him? How could Cas die without giving him the chance to say everything he had to say? Frustration because he had to clean up Cas’ mess, because Cas was gone, because he had lost his best friend. It was so much for such a complex person as Dean that he couldn’t move on and dealt with all that the best way he could: drinking. When Dean found Emmanuel, everything that I just mentioned came crushing to his mind. Just add another frustration item: Cas didn’t even remember him. The frustration list just got bigger and bigger: Cas going kinda insane; Cas refusing to fight; Cas behaving like a little child. And the only method to deal with things like these Dean has known all his life is to lash out. That’s how he communicates. He learned it from John Winchester and has used that lots of times with Sam. He needed to take it all out, to yell at Cas in order to move on and start the healing process, the forgiving process (because he really wanted to fix things with Cas, he just didn’t know how to), but Castiel was denying him even that. Poor Dean! At this point, I felt sorry for both, Dean and Cas, because I could really empathize with both.

Cas realized too late that he’d made a huge mistake and before dying all he wanted to do was Dean’s forgiveness and make things right. He was absent most of season 7, and when he reappeared and remembered who he really was, he felt extremely guilty. Taking Sam’s pain was the only thing he could do to make things right. If drinking was Dean’s coping mechanism, staying away from all sorts of violence was Cas’ once he woke up in 7x21. Dean needed Cas to take out Dick Roman, and Cas agreed to help (and even protected Dean when the time came) because he wanted to show Dean gratitude for the faith he was showing him when he told him “I’d rather have you, cursed or not”. Faith equals love. Was that a “note of forgiveness”?

In season 8, Dean and Cas weren’t on the same page regarding their feelings. It was in Purgatory, the place that felt pure, where Dean realized that no matter what Cas had done, no matter what had happened, he loved his angel. He cared about him so much that he wasn’t going to leave Purgatory without him. In season 6, he was a shitty, selfish friend, but he wasn’t going to make the same mistake again. He needed to find Cas and take him home, where they could start over. It was in Purgatory where Dean understood he preferred a life of constant hiding, running for dear life, and killing instead of a life on Earth without Cas. He knew that if everything he suffered during the year Cas was gone was terrifying, the guilt he would feel about leaving his friend without even trying to look for him was definitely going to kill him. When he finally found Cas and realized that Cas had left him alone to try to protect him from the Leviathans, he decided to tell Cas how much he cared. He told him “I need you” and “I’m not leaving here without you”. Dean didn’t need Cas to be able to get out. He just needed Cas to be with him, and he wanted Cas to understand it. Cas, of course, understood, but he felt too much shame and guilt to consider the possibility of leaving Purgatory, so he just made sure he got Dean out.

Leaving Purgatory without Cas was so painful to Dean that he had to change the memory of what happened so he could blame himself. Once Castiel was back, even though Dean was suspicious of how he got out of Purgatory, he wasn’t about to make the same mistakes he’d made before. He was all “talk to me” with Cas. He wanted to make sure Cas was OK. He wanted to prove that he cared. No matter how shady Cas was, Dean still prayed to him. He still poured his heart out to Cas. Even when Cas was about to kill him, he didn’t fight back. He just reminded Cas that he was family, that they needed him, that HE needed him.

On the other hand, Cas was brainwashed into killing thousands of fake Deans so he would be ready to do Heaven’s bidding without interference from the elder Winchester. It took for the real Dean to say “I need you” to break the connection between Cas and Naomi’s mind control, but when Dean asked him what broke the connection, Cas honestly didn’t know what to answer. Unfortunately, there wasn’t time for Cas to analyze what had happened. There were more pressing matters, like the angel tablet. Cas wanted to make things right and got fooled by Metatron in the process.

At this point, I’m fairly sure Dean already understood he loved Cas. All season 7 Dean couldn’t understand why he couldn’t move past what Cas had done. In Purgatory he was free enough to say “I love you” in the Winchester way: “I need you.” He’s told Cas “I need you” a lot of times. Why? Because Dean Winchester is not really with the whole love and… love, so he says the next best thing. The question is what kind of love does Dean feel for Cas? I’m sure that’s something Dean doesn’t want to understand. He’s gotten hints from his family that he should try to understand his feelings for Cas (“he’s dreamy”, Charlie said; “because it’s Cas”, Sammy said), but he didn’t really get it, and even if he did, it didn’t matter anyway because his angel was going home.

In season 9, Dean and Cas weren’t on the same page regarding their feelings AGAIN. But this time it was Cas’ turn to start to understand. Castiel, angel of the Lord, has loved Dean Winchester since he decided to have faith in him. Faith equals love. However, I don’t think Cas understood what kind of love he felt for Dean. That’s why he couldn’t answer the “what broke the connection” question. HE DIDN’T KNOW. He had to be human to be able to understand that he can love his brothers and sisters, humanity, Sam and Dean, but each love is different. His love for humanity is agape. His love for his brothers and sisters is storge. His love for Sam is between storge and philia, but what about his love for Dean? I’m ready to bet it’s eros, but Cas didn’t know that before. (ETA: For more info on the kind of love Cas has for Dean and why I think eros is involved, you can read this). That’s why the PB&J conversation between Cas and Sam in 9x11 was so important. Being an angel, Cas has the physical capacity to eat or even drink liquor, but he can’t enjoy things the same way a human does. That’s why it’s been emphasized that emotions and even simple things like flavors are human things. I think it wasn’t until 9x06 that Cas realized he was in love with Dean. What about Dean? Well, 9x06 was probably the moment he realized he was in love with Cas, too, but this time it was Dean’s turn to let Cas live a normal and peaceful life.

Cas’ weakness was revealed in 9x22: he’s in love… with humanity. But, of course, everybody (Hannah, Metatron, and Dean himself) agreed that Cas sacrificed everything for just one man, to protect Dean Winchester.

In season 10, Dean and Castiel need to figure out what they want. They both don’t know. They both want more but are too afraid to go for it. Dean thinks he’s gonna die soon, but he acknowledges there’s people, feelings that he wants to experience differently or maybe for the first time. He has no doubts that Cas loves him. If he had any, he lost them after Cas gave up an entire army for him. Cas doesn’t know what he is anymore. He doesn’t belong in Heaven, he’s not a human, but there are human things he considers good –art, hope, love, dreams. However, he knows emotions… feelings are dangerous temptations. How does he know? Well, he’s been consistently screwing things up to protect the one thing that has become his priority: Dean Winchester. Everything has been, is, and will always be about saving Dean. It’s pretty much obvious Cas doesn’t have vessel issues anymore in case he decides to stay on Earth (whether angel or human). But his big questions are still the same, “What broke the connection?” “But as what [do you want to live] Castiel, as an angel or a man?” “Who are you? What’s your mission?” And the answers to all those questions are related to Dean. Therefore, Cas has to figure out what he wants.  

Dean, on the other hand, is afraid of losing control and hurting the people he loves: Cas and his brother. Notice who Benny (Dean’s subconscious) mentioned first. At this point in the story, I think Dean knows how he feels about Cas, but Cas doesn’t know. And Cas knows how he feels about Dean, but Dean doesn’t know. They both think they’re family for the other. They both are a couple of emotionally constipated idjits. Dean also has to figure out what he wants, but right now, he doesn’t give much thought to it because he thinks there’s not a good future for him.

I just hope that whatever the consequences of what Sam and Cas are doing to save Dean don’t separate Dean and Cas that much for season 11. However, they both already know how they feel. It’s just a matter of telling the other and we can’t get that yet. That’s why it makes so much sense that TPTB have kept Dean and Cas apart so much during season 10. So, I guess more conflict will be a must for next season.

If you notice, the thing that makes Destiel one of the most popular ships is that it feels real. It doesn’t feel forced. They have gone through a lot and overcome a lot together. This is definitely one of the best love stories ever told!