In light of my last cover :
So my most recent cover was Human by Christina Perri and a lot of people seemed to like/relate to it, so in this one, I thought I’d share my story with depression, etc. This is a big deal for me so please respect it, share it if you like it, and follow me for more wonderfullness….idk ok but here goes.
To set the stage: I live in a pretty small city in Ohio, with my two parents (both strictly religious, and strict period - not to dis, though because they’re actually not that bad) and my two extremely talented and intelligent sisters, who both get straight A’s and play at a high caliber of sports (Soccer, primarily). One is older and one is younger. I never had a boyfriend in middle school because I was awkward - too chubby, acne, braces, glasses, all that stuff. I wasn’t miss popularity either. I’d first found out about what “self harm” was from a Seventeen Magazine I stole from my older sister. I hadn’t yet really put my heart into singing. Ok, here we go.
March 8, 2010
I send a suicide letter to my friends at the age of 13. One girl tells her mother, who calls my mother, who flips out. I’m admitted to a teen psychiatric ward after months of cutting - this is the first time anyone found out about anything like this with me. I was put on Zoloft, an antidepressant/anxiety pill and got a therapist. I still couldn’t sleep through the night.
Everything should be okay…. right?
October 30, 2011
My always-difficult relationship with my Dad hit a stumbling block, while at the same time, through losing a ton of weight by skipping meals and working out way more than a person my age should, and just growing out of my awkwardness, and my spot on the cheerleading squad, I got more male attention than I EVER thought even possible from boys. I felt constant pressure to be perfect, which caused me to get to be more bulimic and suicidal. A friend I confided in, once again, got me caught. This time, though, nothing changed a whole lot - I was an expert at seeming like things were better than they were.
I had become a professional liar, telling people crazy things that weren’t true about me to create another personality for myself, another life to avoid dealing with the hell I was living. Things blew up n my face, and I was subject to bullying, hate, and ridicule, from classmates, which, to this day, I deserve.
We had a lapse in time - all of my sophomore year in high school went well, and I got taken off my meds and stopped going to therapy. I was enjoying the freedom of having my license and a car, and hiding and bottling all the hatred and sadness I was feeling - BAD IDEA.
September 21, 2013
After months of smuggling pills up to my room, I have an old retainer case with 33 pills of various kinds, which I carry around EVERYWHERE, just in case. I also purchased a pack of exacto knife blades which were hidden in the box and in the back of my underwear drawer. I got a speeding ticket - my parents would freak. I laid down in my bed while my little sister, the only person home at the time, is downstairs watching Netflix. I ingested the pills - 16 of them - and begin to slice into my arms 21 times. I felt nothing. But a friend from the 5sos fam calls and texts and etc. hundreds of times. The buzzing keeps me alive.
After weeks of hiding my arms and facing major consequences of the two tickets I obtained, my parents found out. I was put back on my meds and given a new therapist, who got me on supplements as well.
I’m clean now, and with the help of my therapist and meds, have learned to accept my past, my circumstances, and all the things I can’t control. I still have panic attacks, cry more than I should, and get lonely, but now, I have strength. Music honest to God saved my life, because it’s given me an anchor and something to live for. And 5SOS are just that. So there’s my story. Sorry it’s not on Read More, but I feel like some people need to hear and see this. This is my story, and this is me.
IF ANY OF YOU EVER EVER NEED SOMEONE PLEASE MESSAGE ME AND TALK TO ME I AM HERE AND I LOVE YOU AND YOU ARE IMPORTANT I PROMISE.