50p

Sadly in the London Production [the chandelier] falls very slowly because of Health and Safety. I always wanted to have a block of seats in the middle of the stalls that were 50p each and you had to sign a form, saying “I sit in this seat at my own risk” and really have the chandelier belting down.

In the Australian Production - naturally, them being Australians - the chandelier comes down at a hundred miles an hour and stops an inch above the heads of the audience, and is much more exciting.

I’ve seen chandeliers fall now at productions all over the world and you can kind of tell which country you’re in by the speed of the chandelier.

—  Richard Stilgoe, Co-Lyricist on Andrew Lloyd-Webber’s Phantom of the Opera [in regard to his feelings on the Falling of the Chandelier and International Productions]

anonymous asked:

If you are still doing prompts, could you please write something where it is Jily's first time (Lily virgin, James not)? Or an embarrassing morning after story where James snuck into Lily's house, and her parents/Petunia are like why do you have a naked boy in your bed Lily? Thanks

an unforgettable birthday (for the birthday girl, @bantasticbeasts ily bonnie)

  • it all starts with a bottle of cream soda (lily’s favourite drink, which she liked to bring up in almost every single conversation with anyone who was ever willing to listen) on lily’s birthday
  • the scene starts with james, who has been staring at his table for over two hours, tapping his quill in an obnoxious manner that eventually drives sirius crazy
  • “can you please stop that?” is the first thing sirius asks, glaring over at james who only sighs back in a dramatic response
  • after another fifty taps sirius throws a cushion, hitting james square in the face and making his glasses slide over his ears
  • a body wrestle later (which ends in sirius yelling mercy! as his face gets shoved into a frilly pillow) james is finally explaining his dilemma to sirius. the two hover over steaming mugs of tea, james swirling his spoon so dejectedly that sirius wants to immediately call jeremy kyle and book him onto the show
  • “let me get this straight… it’s lily birthday and you don’t know what to give her? That’s the reason why you’ve been so annoying?”
  • “What do girls even like?” James complains. “I mean, she likes cream soda. should i just buy her a bunch?”
  • “you are kidding right?”
  • “what did you get mary for her birthday?”
  • the question both amuses and surprises sirius. the boy shuffles a few of euphemia potter’s magazines in faux interest, his fingers dancing on the bright covers. it’s only when james gives him a nudge, followed by a ‘…well?’ that sirius finally relents
  • well… i mean. i got her a watch. which she loved and a photo of us… but um the main present… wasn’t exactly a present you could um… yknow.” 
  • james just stares at him, blank
  • “i err… i gave her the best gift anyone can have.” he tries again. james still just looks confused.
  • “i wrapped myself in wrapping paper and gave myself to her.” 
  • You did?”
  • “jeez james, i mean, god how are you even headboy?… i mean in a metaphorical way.”
  • that’s how james ends up putting on a muggle suit (it’s technically fleamont’s, but sirius manages to shrink it to fit james’ smaller frame), buying seven bottles of cream soda (to which the cashier gets extremely annoyed that james cannot differentiate a 50p from a 20p, he only ever uses muggle money whenever lily’s with him) and walking to lily’s house as soon as the sun sets. 
  • he knows her house off by heart, which window is hers and which floorboard on the stairs creaks. he grabs a stone and throws it gently at her window, waiting to see if she’s there. 
  • she opens her curtains with a look of confusion, but when she notices who it is she’s smiling, completely elated.
  • “you could use the front door, you know.” 
  • “but…”
  • “my parents and tuney aren’t here.”
  • lily disappears back into her room and james has to breathe calmly in and out as he waits by the front door. 
  • let’s just say: the cream soda remains in the bags, completely forgotten as dusk becomes night 
  • its james who wakes up first and god, she’s such a sight to behold with her red hair flowing onto her bare shoulders and caressing his nose. he can’t help but smile and when she stirs up slowly he’s embracing her, kissing her all over and serenading her with birthday songs
  • that is, until there’s a knock at her door, followed by said door opening with a very loud bang!
  • “HAPPY BIRTHday…” 
  • it’s like the entire neighbourhood has come over. there’s dorcas, mary and marlene, their faces going from YAY to oh in 0.5 seconds, there’s Mrs Murn (resident old, cat lady) who holds a birthday cake in her arms and luckily doesn’t drop it in surprise and Mr and Mrs Evans at the front, wearing ‘birthday girl’ pink sparkly party hats.
  • james falls off the bed in shock, showing the entire crowd his rather pleasant looking backside before lily throws her entire duvet over him. he’s swearing and apologising profusely as he struggles with the duvet, finally wrapping it over him fully so only his face is on show.
  • mary’s the only one who doesn’t seem entirely gobsmacked. she grins. “how about we, err, bring the party downstairs and have a nice cup of tea first before the birthday girl can blow out her candles and open her presents?” 
  • james and lily are frozen as the people leave (james avoids mr evan’s eyes and lily in, horror and humiliation, notices how Mrs Murn’s gaze lingers on James for a few heavy seconds)
  • it’s only when mary gives them both a wink and says ‘i don’t think any present can top this’ and ‘be presentable and come down before mr evans has a heart attack!’ before shutting the door that it finally sinks in
  • they’re both laughing and crying at the same time, their faces completely heated and on fire that it takes them about fifteen minutes to actually get dressed 
  • mr evans is surprisingly okay about the whole ordeal and gives james a rather big slice of birthday cake before patting his shoulder and giving him the ‘if-you-hurt-my-daughter-i-will-skin-you-alive’ glare, followed by the ‘im-glad-we-had-this-chat’ smile
  • after this james never takes sirius’ advice ever again
How to survive on minimal money

I’m so sick of reading all these “how to save money” articles that only tell you to stop buying a morning coffee that you don’t buy anyway because you can’t afford it in the fucking first place. 

ANYWAY, as a person who never seems to have any money, and nothing to show for my lack of money, here are my tips for people in similar situations so that you don’t die. 

1) Start a budget book. I bought mine about 3 years ago for £3 from WHSmith. When you get paid, write down how much money came into your account, then immediately deduct every single bill you have to pay from that amount. Now you know exactly how much money you have to spend for the rest of the month until the next pay day. Write down every single thing you buy and exactly how much it cost, including cash withdrawals. Yes it’s boring, but holy shit it will save your ass so many times knowing that you’ve already accounted for all your bills.

2) Stop shopping in Tesco/Sainsburys/Asda/Waitrose/etc etc. Just stop. Holy shit just stop it. Tesco sucks the life out of me just walking in there I swear to god. Switch to Aldi and/or Lidl. They’re cheap because they give you ONE option of each thing. One type of tinned chopped tomatoes. One type of washing up liquid. One type of ketchup etc etc you get the idea. Their toothpaste, shower gel and baby wipes are pretty damn good and cost about 50p. Like, for fuck sake stop paying £1 for one damn cabbage. YOU DONT NEED TO SPEND A WHOLE QUID ON A FUCKING CABBAGE. 

3) Aldi and Lidl post what their offers are going to be for that week on their websites. Read them before you go shopping then decide what you’re going to be eating for that week based around what’s on offer. Deals on diced chicken and microwave rice? BOOM you’ve got yourself a cheap ass curry to last you at least 2 meals. 

4) Pinterest is your friend. You can look up anything in the world. From budget meals to how to make your own washing powder (if you really wana risk that…I wouldn’t personally but you do you). 

5) Join a Facebook selling site. Find one that’s based where you live and turn on the notifications. You’d be shocked to know how many people give away free sofas and washing machines. Fucking LOADS. You never know what people might be chucking. 

6) If you drive, stop driving like an asshole. A happy car means less petrol usage and less repairs (I HAVE LEARNED THIS THE HARD WAY, TRUST ME THIS IS VALUABLE INFORMATION).

7) Turn your lights off when you’re not in a room. Turn your heating down and put on a jumper. Candles are effective ways of combating both of these things. Candles are your friends. Go to the poundshop and buy candles. You’d be surprised how quickly a small room heats up with a couple of lit candles. 

8) Stop going out. You can’t afford to go out. If you keep going out and then complaining that you’re skint, get off this list. This list is not for you. You’re a jerk. If you must drink some alcohol, buy a cheapo bottle of wine (Aldi does a banging white for £3.89 a bottle wayoooo) and roll around on the floor of your own house.

9) Sell all your stuff. I’m almost 100% sure that if you have a job, and you at one point lived with your parents, you will have stuff in your home now that you don’t need. I have a pair of Urbanears headphones 2 feet away from me right now that I got as a gift and I know I won’t use. No one watches DVDs anymore, so Music Magpie those dinosaurs. Don’t forget about that stuff. Sell it. Sell the shit out of it. 

10) I know I’m going back to the whole food shopping thing, but I think most of the time this is the only thing in our lives that we can really control how much we spend. Gonna get it all out of my system now, ready? Make a list of what you’re going to buy a stick to it. Try to buy ingredients that can be used across multiple meals. Take tinned soup to work for lunch instead of spending £8 a day on disappointing sandwiches in Pret. Cut out meat as much as you can. SLOW COOKERS ARE YOUR FRIENDS! I know we’re trying to save money here, not spend it, but buy ‘A Girl Called Jack’ by Jack Monroe and it will show you how to eat on fuck all money without eating supernoodles for 3 meals a day. I recommend the mixed bean goulash, it will give you the farts but it tastes awesome. If you do find yourself in Tesco in an emergency, take a stroll past the reduced isle. Best reduced stuff to get is always meat (put it in the freezer) and cheese. I have at least 2 loaves of bread from the reduced section in my freezer right now that cost me 6p each. FROZEN FOOD IS GOOD, ESPECIALLY VEGETABLES.

11) Change all your suppliers. Electricity. Gas. Internet. Whatever. Go to uswitch and do it. It’s really not that hard. Okay, internet is a fucking faff but gas and electric are not. You might already have the best deal but you wont know until you look so go look. 

12) Loyalty points are the bomb. Get a card for every god damn shop you’ve ever been in. It doesn’t cost you anything, so start saving up those bad boy points now. When I first moved into my flat, I bought all my home essentials (milk, clingfilm, washing up liquid etc etc) all on my Nectar points and what would have been a £70 shop was fucking FREEEE.

13) Lastly, before you buy anything, stop and ask yourself, “do I actually need this thing?” You already know the answer. You know it. You already know it. No. You fucking don’t. You don’t need that thing. I was in Wilkinsons like 2 weeks ago and I almost bought a new roasting dish because the one I already had was “too big”. How the fuck can a roasting dish be too big? So your food is a bit more spread out, big fucking deal. There, you see? I just saved myself £6 for a piece of shit I didn’t need. You don’t need those shoes. You don’t need a limited edition bluray copy of Blade Runner with director’s cut . You don’t need a new ironing board cover with Batman on it. You. Don’t. Fucking. Need. It.

DIY - Simple STP

If you’ve ever done any research into STP devices for transmasculine folks, you may have felt the same horror I felt when I saw that a good quality STP would cost me in the region of £300. This wasn’t happening, so I had a think and did what trans people are very good at: I improvised. 

I made my STP out of a 2 pint milk carton. It is durable, hygienic, fits in my pocket, and cost nothing to make (well, 50p for the milk) Here’s how I made it:

You will need: Milk carton, scissors, lighter/candle

Instructions: You need a milk carton that looks something like this. Make sure you clean it out thoroughly. Mark with a pen and cut along the red lines shown here. 

The handle of the carton will act as a funnel. 

Cut a ‘V’ shape at the end of the funnel to make the flow look more natural.

Soften the edges of the STP with a lighter

and you’re done! Here is the finished STP:

Practice with this thing before you take it out, as there is a bit of an art to it, but I have never had any problems with mine! Just rinse it after you use it and you’re off. Happy peeing my dudes!