As much as I love “Exit, pursued by a bear,” I think it overshadows a few of Shakespeare’s other wonderfully weird stage directions. For example, Richard III features this peach of a stage direction before Richard receives Hastings’ severed head:
“Enter GLOUCESTER and BUCKINGHAM, in rotten armour, marvellous ill-favoured]”
Like, for a guy who seldom bothers who write stage directions, he takes the time to specify that not only is their armor rotten, they look bad in it.
I also like “He goeth down” from Romeo and Juliet.
Barbara: “If you eat that piece of bacon I swear to god this friendship is over"
Dick: *sneaks up on unsuspecting sibling* *randomly drops and crushes said sibling with all their weight* "HUMPBACK WHALE!!!"
Jason: "Hey come here, I have to tell you a secret. Closer. Little closer.” *sticks tongue in their ear*
Cass: “I’m sorry but I really don’t like you and I want you to stay outside of my house or maybe just be dead and burn in the darkest pits of hell please"
Tim: *loses battery for the remote* "WHY WON’T GOD JUST FREAKING LET ME DIE I THINK I’VE EARNED IT BY NOW"
Stephanie: *accidentally sets fire to counter* "You know, maybe you shouldn’t play with fire anymore” “Yeah, maybe-” *lights match* “-but not today"
Damian: "You know once a kid dared me to stick up the middle finger in kindergarten and I did and the second I did it he called the teacher and she made me sit out recess that day and this is why I have trust issues"
Alfred: *banging pots and pans* "GET THE FRICK DOWNSTAIRS YOU PEASANTS I MADE CUPCAKES AND NEED VALIDATION ON MY BAKING ABILITIES"
Bruce: "hOw DaRe YoU dIsReSpEct mE!!! i aM tHe KiNg Of tHiS LiViNg RoOm!!!"